Episode 2 Recap--Kart dances a "nightmare" Jive

Coming up tonight …. Everyone else on this show is really dedicated, wants to be here, and is busting ass. Meanwhile back in the keystone state the shopping Kart is whining and crying and Tony is … quitting??? Awesome, this night might not be so bad after all.

Liiiive! This is Dancing …. With the Stars! Buh-buh! Da-da-da-da-dadada…da-da-da-da-da. Repeat as necessary.

Tom Burgeron is talking really loud, and I can barely hear Brooke, until the sound guy quickly adjusts. Live TV. Let’s welcome the stars. And Kate.

Buzz and Ashley look really amazing, like something straight out of a dance hall in Chicago circa World War II. I love them. Tony’s costume looks like he decorated it with the remnants of a red piñata, and Kate’s fake hair looks like how she wished it had looked in 1991, if her parents had done right by her and given her everything her little heart desired. Even the spray tan can’t help here--Kate’s white as a sheet like she’s going to puke, as well she should. I think the exact moment when she realized she had absolutely no business being here probably came sometime about Tuesday afternoon last week. I mean think about how surreal this is. A nobody kid in Pennsylvania goes to a fertility doctor, gets at least six embryos implanted in her uterus, manages to grow the babies big enough to survive, and now she’s …. on Dancing With the Stars? How does that even happen?

Wow, Pam Andersen is doing a Marilyn Monroe thing and boy is she selling it. More on Pam and how awesome and talented she is later. The judges say if someone had been kicked out this week it would have been an upset. That’s interesting, wonder who it was. Not Kate or Buzz, then? Um, I don’t know, Chad?

Brenda is up at the beginning again. That doesn’t seem fair. Personally I think it’s a huge advantage to go first and get it over with. Others I suppose might want to know what everyone’s scores are first and then go at the end. Her hair is in pigtails just like her character Jenny on Little House on the Prairie. You remember she was on that show when she was like 12, right? Only by the time she joined the cast, the show had strayed so far from the original books poor Laura was getting dizzy in her grave. Basically Michael Landon adopted every orphan that side of the Mississippi (yeah, not in the books), and then his daughter Half-Pint adopted Brenda, who then tried to commit suicide in the pond (negative, not in the books either. Pie baking was though.). It must be watched to be believed. Anyway, very aggressive jive, the judges give her 20 out of 30.

Aiden and his partner really struggled emotionally this week. It got them down when he got the second to lowest score. When your score is even lower than Kart’s, you have a God given right to be depressed. But they get out there and their fox trot is better than their performance last week, smooth and restrained. Solid, says Carrie Anne. Ooo, John Stamos will be on tomorrow? I love Uncle Jesse. You got it, dude. Brooke asks some stupid questions of the dancers and finally the scores, 19 out of 30.

Evan’s hair makes him look like The Beatles. I think he’s a little too old for the shaggy haircut all the 14-year-old boys have these days. Now he looks like John Travolta. Their jive is great of course, very complicated and he’s really feeling the music. Honestly ice skating seems awfully similar to this kind of thing. I know they try to say how different it is because they have to turn the opposite way (oh my!) but let’s get real, he has a huge advantage. I just realized this is two hours. Help. Score is 24 out of 30.

I kind of like how self-deprecating Neicy Nash is, but the giant fake flower in her hair makes her lose all credibility. I think she’s trying to make it her trademark, but that’s not anything original or unique, and I hate bees so anything that might attract them to my face just seems hazardous to me. I guess a lot of people are pulling for her. If she loses the flower, and tries not to sound so scratchy when she talks, I’ll reconsider. On the dance floor instead of one giant flower, it’s lots of little flowers. Same difference. Neicy gets props for having great music, and I kind of dig that she ends up in some big black man’s lap at the end of the routine. If they really want ratings, maybe Kate could end up in Steve’s lap at the end of hers. Wow, her sister looks exactly like her. Two Neicys wandering around out there make me uncomfortable. Her fox trot is better than last week, she looks like a real dancer, good for her.

You know what? Carrie Anne is kind of obnoxious at times. She jokes that they did a lift. Um, no they didn’t, Crazy Anne. Plus you relaxed that rule a long, long time ago, so why are you bringing it up? Niecy talks back again, but this time it’s justified. Shut up, Carrie Anne. 21 out of 30.

Jake the Bachelor. I really love guys in plaid jackets if they can pull it off. He manages it. I underestimated this guy, his jive’s pretty advanced, and he’s right on beat. Why is Carrie Anne so obsessed with lifts? Seriously, shut the hell up. Nobody cares, you’re the only one to ever bring it up, it’s super nit-picky, there are 20 other things to nit-pick with this guy first and you’re going to dock a whole point for a lift? I think at some point in her childhood, somebody, maybe her mother, dropped Carrie Anne trying to do a lift. 20 out of 30. A 6 from Carrie Anne (booo says the audience, justifiably) and two 7’s.

Anyone out there still think networks like ABC or TLC care about Kate? Well, besides Kate I mean. Because even though Kate herself said how nervous waiting until the end to dance last time made her, they are making her wait again. Not to spoil it, but she ends up dead last to dance! They really do care about you, Kate, they are not using you at all to get good ratings and keep people watching the whole show, I see that now!

See how easy it was to fake the moon landing? There are Buzz and Ashley right there next to the lunar modular. How many moon/space double entendre can we squeeze into five minutes? How many stars are in the sky? They even dance to “Fly Me to the Moon.“ Ashley draws Buzz a map of the fox trot. Hey, that’s a really good idea for someone with a linear mind like an engineer would have. Their dance kind of looks like exactly what they did last week, with Ashley dancing and Buzz sort of just walking around. He is a crowd favorite though. Carrie Anne is a little bitch tonight. Does she even really need to criticize this poor guy? Even Len won’t do it. There is this super awkward conversation with Brooke about Buzz showing his wife some moves. Dancing moves, that is. Ew, okay, enough. 12 out of 30, oh Buzz.

Derek’s got a sort of a teenage Brad Pitt thing going on. Benjamin Button? He looks happy, I think he knows he has this competition in the bag already. The dancers get more money, too, when they advance, and it sucks to be Tony. Kate never thinks any of her bullshit affects anyone, but she should realize that because she’s probably going to get kicked off in the next few weeks if not sooner, Tony isn’t making as much money for him and his own spouse and children. Because of her vanity and her insistence on doing a show she had no business touching with a ten foot pole, Tony didn’t get to have a partner who had a fighting chance. Kate needs to realize, even though she never will, her choices have real consequences. Kate keeps mouthing “I love you” obnoxiously to the camera, like Carol Burnett used to always tug on her ear. I hope Steve got the message. The implication is obviously, she loves her kids. We get it, Kate, you’re a mom and you love your kids. We get it, we get it. Pam Andersen is a mom too, but she doesn’t have a need to rub that in every chance she gets. By the way, the kids weren’t dragged to the set like the rumors said, thank God. But wait until next week. At some point she’s gotta go all in.

You know it’s one thing to have danced at some point in your career, but Pussycat’s career is dancing. I don’t mind her, but something about this doesn’t ring very fair. She is light years ahead of all the other contestants, even Evan. She’s got kind of a dirty jive but it works. Amazing scores of 28 out of 30.

Erin and Maks fight a little in the rehearsal clips. Hey, Erin is dancing to Taylor Swift. Kate thinks she and Taylor are friends, ha. Wonder how long it will take Kate to estrange Taylor. The fox trot is a little simple, although I love her modest costume. Len scolds her for fighting with Maks, which I wish he would do to Kate. He tells her to shut up, get on with dancing, and trust her Pro. Sing it!!! 23 out of 30.

Woo-hoo, Pamela Andersen is up. She was hysterical last week when she said “check!” at the end of her dance--a clear dig at Kate. Not only is she beautiful, talented and sexy, but she’s smart, too. By the way, this whole ditzy, flighty blonde thing she is always doing is just a character--if there’s one thing I hope to accomplish in these recaps it’s that I want everyone to realize that. You’ve probably figured out, I live in Los Angeles. I’ve had my share of celebrity encounters, have even worked for a few, and are friends with a few people you may know. And sadly most of them, like Kate, are narcissistic bitches and assholes who will wipe their boots on you until they have no use for you and then toss you out with the recycling. When I encounter a celebrity who is actually a nice person too? I want them to get credit for it. This isn’t how Pam talks in real life, or acts. She’s normal and intelligent. Put her in a burgundy suit and she could pass for a museum curator, believe it or not. This past week we’ve been getting reports from the rumor mill about the stars on set. Kate is, shockingly, a spoiled little out-of-her-league brat. But Pam Andersen is “down to earth,” which is exactly the words I used to describe her in last week’s recap.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve had a lot of encounters with Pam because we lived down the street from each other for three years, and I nannied for friends of her sweet children, Dylan and Brandon. I thought I’d share some “Pam is awesome!” stories right here in the recaps, until Kate is finally voted off. I’ll start with the best one, since Kate could go pretty soon.

First of all, Pam Andersen is the most hands on mother I’ve ever seen in Hollywood, celeb and non-celeb alike. She is right there in the trenches with Dylan and Brandon, hair back in a ponytail, no makeup, sweatpants on, picking them up from school with a backpack in one hand and their science project in the other. Her children adore her, they can count on her, and the love and security that gives them, being dealt the difficult hand of being the child of not one but two very famous celebrities, is invaluable. (Speaking of Tommy Lee, he‘s very involved in their lives too, visiting frequently.)

One thing you have to understand about a lot of celebrities in this town, is that their children are paraded out for photo-ops now and again and the rest of the time hidden away where they won‘t bother anyone. The assistant and the nanny typically take care of all the finer details busy and famous parents can‘t be troubled with, and every once in awhile the actual parent will swoop in for a kiss or a photo, then swoop out. Not so for Pam Andersen. While other celeb moms of her status and frankly even lower use the nanny as the substitute parent, Pam wants to do everything that a nanny typically does.

So anyway, at the local elementary school, a hot spot for celeb children and their nannies, they had a fourth and fifth grade dance on a Friday. They asked parents to help chaperone, decorate, do the music, etc. Except for Pam, no one famous or “important” helped out, most just sent the nanny. I was one of those nannies sent. But Pam signed up for everything! She helped decorate, she chaperoned, and she even hired the DJ, a friend of hers who spun some really cool stuff for the kids. She was out there dancing, too. Can you imagine as a fifth grade boy Pam Anderson chaperoning your dance? Of course the kids loved it, and Brandon was regarded as the kid with the coolest mom ever. You could see how proud Brandon was of his mama and how much he loved getting all the credit for the dance being such a blast. And by the way, there were no paparazzi tipped off to document all this. The truth is, I wish I had gotten a job with Pam Andersen being Dylan and Brandon‘s nanny, and not the other family I ended up with. Problem is, Pam so rarely uses a nanny I would never be needed. Her kids go to public school, if I didn’t mention that. And we all know she can afford the Gosselin’s private prep school if she wanted to. But I don’t know, maybe she wants her kids to be around normal kids in this town, have a normal life. Maybe she gets that privileges …. don‘t necessarily mean happiness. That’s Pam in a nutshell. More stories to come next week, if Kate makes it that far.

Pam’s Marilyn Monroe impression is remarkable. She could do this full time. Sometimes I wonder where she might be if she went a different direction with her career, like less Baywatch and more Meryl Streep. But I guess the problem is her whole persona is based on this bimbo character, again which she is nothing like reality. I almost kind of wonder if she has some insecurity with her talents and even looks. The way she runs through men she’s way too good for is a clue. Ha, Tom says a busload of Kennedys just pulled up.

Len says this is titivating. Hey, it’s in the dictionary. Pam is still in character. Everything she does is Marilyn. She’s so cool. 22 out of 30. Brooke asks, “Will we see all the sides of Pamela this season?” See, Pam is so quick and funny--she quips, “I think everyone’s seen all the sides of Pamela!”

Chad Ochocinco. Cheryl smacks Chad in practice, just like the way Kate used to batter around Jon! Are these guys, um, a thing? Jon and Kate taught me that if you hit someone, that someone is probably your lover and the father of your children. Their fox trot is tentative. I like the song “100 Years,” but it always tries so hard to make me nostalgic for 15. Braces, glasses, zits, and a nerdy boyfriend who was shorter than me and turned out to be gay? Not nostalgic, but good try! 16 out of 30, harsh!

Two hours later, it’s finally Kate’s turn. I’m ready to see Tony quit, let’s go! They show footage from at least three different dance studios, not just the basement of the McMansion. I simply don’t believe all their rehearsing happens in PA. The basement has a lot of expensive exercise equipment in the background, more toys for the parents bought with the kids’ money.

Tony says teaching Kate is hard because nothing is coming natural to her, this is all like a foreign language. And also, Tony, because she’s a self-absorbed, selfish, narcissist bitch with zero talent and one magical uterus. I’m guessing this interview was done before he quit. He really got a tough assignment here, I feel for him.

Kate bitches and moans a bunch of nonsensical stuff like “How can I do this?”, “I don’t feel like I’m doing it,” and “waa, waa, waa.” These are things a mother in natural labor and going through transition says, not someone given the opportunity of a lifetime. She even stomps her foot, pouts and bemoans, “We don’t have enough time! I’m stressed!” She reminds me of Mady when Mady was six and being exploited so Kate could someday get to this spot right here.

Tony‘s getting ticked. He kind of looks like an Eastern European version of Jon. Throw him in an Ed Hardy t-shirt and don’t shave for a few days and he’s there. I’d like to put him on the TLC couch with her, just to see it. Kate married him to have half-Eastern European babies because she thinks they’re little and have cute accents. Tony and Kate Plus 8, it still rhymes.

Kate says something nonsensical again about him asking questions, and now Tony’s really pissed, he says he’s trying to tell her how to do the dance so she doesn‘t have the same question a million times. Fair point. Kate says that doesn’t tell me everything I need to know. Okay, also fair point. So shut the hell up and listen and he will.

Tony finally joins the party and realizes that Kate is doing to him what she has done to everyone in her life: Informed them that they’re wrong, she’s right, and if you don’t do it her way, there’s hell to pay. If you own a teddy bear, hide it. Now. Please oh please Tony, be a man and stand up to this complete…and….utter….narcissistic….bullshit! “You’re telling me how to teach you how to dance?” Tony says in disbelief.

Believe it, Tony. Yes, she is telling you how to teach her how to dance. Still not getting it, he says, “That’s what I do for a living!” Tony seems so shocked Kate would behave like this, I’m guessing he also thought that Ricky Martin coming out was breaking news.

Kate tries to tell us that she is not undermining him as a teacher. But she is. You can say you aren’t, but you are. I too can say that milk is green, but it’s white. Kate is often in denial about how she makes others feel, we’ve seen this song and dance before. Or she just skips a step and tells us how other people feel, like how she always tells us how happy the kids are. Thanks, I can tell when the kids are happy myself, like when I saw their faces when Jon picked them up from the bus stop yesterday. Kate says she is qualified to know how it is she wants something to be shown to her. Umm, what? If you’ve never done the jive before, how can you possibly know the best way to learn the jive? Or any dance? “Show me so I can get it!” Kate says tearfully. Kate, he is showing you. You just don’t like the way he is showing you.

It’s true, Tony has never won Dancing With the Stars. But he’s taken third place twice, fourth place once, and brought two post-menopausal partners all the way to sixth place. He knows what he’s doing. As Len told Erin, who by the way didn‘t even deserve this: Shut up, get on with dancing, and trust your partner.

Tony says he has never been questioned as a teacher. Wellll, that’s not exactly true, Tony. Other celeb dancers have questioned his methods, but they have also said, wisely, he must know what he’s doing so I’m just going to go with it. They accepted that he’s taken third place twice, fourth place once, and brought two post-menopausal partners all the way to sixth place. It’s astounding the laundry list of narcissistic divas Tony has been partnered with, all of whom Kate has just made seem totally normal and down to earth. Even Kathy Ireland and her cheapo fugly furniture seem like something I want to decorate my living room with now.

Oh my God I love Tony. He is valiantly trying to put the bitch in her place. She tries to do one of those half-ass “apologies” that make it seem like she’s not responsible whatsoever, like, I’m sorry YOU got hurt. Tony mutters, “So it’s my fault this whole thing?”

“You’re not hearing what I’m saying,” Kate says, ignoring his question. Because in case you didn’t get the memo, this entire fight is all about Kate. As is Dancing with the Stars, the children, the divorce, the media attention, and so on.

“I’ve heard you all day,” Tony retorts. Oh … my … God this is getting so good. This makes me wonder, could anyone on this planet other than Jon have put up with her for that long? Tony only lasted four weeks here! When there used to be a board on TWOP, some folks used to call him St. Jon. But you see, St. Jon he kinda is. He has earned his wings. Jon haters around the world are suddenly realizing they‘ve been Konned--by Kart, TLC, and the whole lot of them.

“I’m done today,” Kate says. For the record, The Shopping Kart quit first. They make it seem like Tony quit on her, but really Kate said she quit, and then Tony said fine I quit, too.

Then she says, Please don’t make arguments where there’s none. What the fuck? Kate is arguing with him! She started this whole thing! So, like, if Kate says she wants something a different way and you try to protest, you made an argument where there’s none? But if Tony has a different opinion about something, she’s justified in disputing him. I can’t even follow her circular logic anymore, this is worse than the LSAT.

Tony rips off his microphone and says “I quit,” and literally jogs out of the room. Run, Tony, faster! Run far away, to Park City, or Vegas, anywhere but with Kart!

Kate is crying, and, “To be continued…” my screen says. Until when? I wanna know what happens! For a moment there I thought this was going over to tomorrow night. Oh, good, we just have to wait for a quick commercial.

We’re back. Oh, no, the producers won’t let Tony actually quit. Darn. Teams have quit before actually, believe it or not. Tony’s partner Sara Evans withdrew during the middle of the competition because she was going through a divorce. Tony gives some rehearsed speech the producers quickly scrambled together about how he had a weak moment. No, no, no, Tony, you fell for the classic Kate-trap! You are now blaming yourself, not her! You did EXACTLY what she wanted! This kind of thing just encourages her. Then he goes back. Thank you for not quitting, Kate tells him. A lot of people have quit on me in my life. I wait for Tony to remove his cowboy hat and tearfully quiver, “I wish I knew how to quit you, Kart!” Whoops, wrong movie.

Now, see, if you didn’t know Kate that well, like maybe this is the first time you’ve really seen her in action, you might fall for that pathetic and manipulative “Everyone has quit on me” comment. But don’t, and I’ll tell you why! People in Kart’s life don’t quit on Kart. Kart DRIVES THEM AWAY. She has estranged all the children’s closest relatives and friends. She goes through nannies like the kids go through organic fluffernutter. You wouldn’t know it the way she tells it, but she filed for divorce first, not Jon. Yes, check the archives of Radaronline, the Shopping Kart is the Petitioner and Jon is the DEFENDANT! She actively drove him away by treating him like a doormat. She’s amassed more enemies than Bernie Madoff. Kate has always wanted us to believe that all those people are wrong, every single one of them, and she’s right. Uh-huh. I’ll always remember what my old boss on my nanny job said to me once about a mutual “friend” of ours. “When one child is estranged from their mother, you don’t think about it. But when two are estranged, you start looking at the mother.” So true.

On a side note, I’m going to make a prediction. Someday, probably soon, TLC will have no more use for her and will dump her. And Kate will turn on them too. She will not speak to them, she will badmouth them in the press, lawsuits may go around, and they will go from friend to enemy faster than you can call the Paps out for a trip to the nail salon. They will be just one more entity on the list of people who have “quit” on Kate.

This is Kate’s story. She is responsible for being alone. I’m not counting the man she pays to be by her side while his wife waits back in Maryland. Everyone else on this show has fathers, mothers, sisters, spouses, kids, friends, etc., to pan to in the audience. Kate has nobody. No one. And it’s not because she lives in PA. We have airplanes now.

“This whole situation was just a miscommunication,” Kate says. Read, it was not Kate’s fault, it was Tony’s, for simply not understanding her.

This fight was so classic Kate I couldn’t have scripted it better. If you want to know how she is, that’s it right there.

Finally, The Jive! It starts out mildly okay, then progresses to Kate sort of bouncing gently up and down on her two tree trunks. If she’s anything like that in bed, no wonder she couldn’t get pregnant on her own. She is missing a ton of steps and Tony actually has to mouth the moves to her as they go. How much does she weigh, maybe 135? Tony is dragging her around the floor like she’s a linebacker. Kate can’t even smile she’s so petrified she’ll forget a step. Her teeth are sort of clenched and her face is rigid. She totally bombs, again.

Bruno, our new national hero and future spokesperson for Target, says Kart needs acting lessons and that her routine was a nightmare. A nightmare! And that she’s a Stepford wife. Tell us more, Bruno! But Tom moves along. Darn. Oh, Bruno also said something weird and awkward about dancing with Elton John in the south of France. As long as he meant that to be an insult to Kart, fine.

The only positive thing Carrie Anne can say is, well, Kart, you made it through the routine and are still standing on the other side! Haha! Carrie Anne is still going on and on about lifts. I want to punch her in the face. Look at, Tony can barely push the shopping Kart down the frozen food section let alone worry about a little lift. But it’s totally awesome when Crazy Anne says she can’t give bonus points for effort, in direct response to Kate’s statement to the press that they should. No special treatment for you, Kart! Ha-ha, you’re not in Reading anymore, this is L.A.! Len says she needs to get over her nerves and go for it.

See, Kate wasted a lot of time trying to tell Tony how to do his job and as a result their dance was atrocious. It’s her own fault. She wasted a lot of time belittling and berating Jon, too, and as a result there wasn’t enough time to work on their marriage. Incidentally, Kate says a dance partnership is like marriage. If that’s what marriage looks like, no thanks. Tony will say later in the press Um, excuse me, a dance partnership is nothing like a marriage, which implies equal partnership. I’m the boss, you’re the student, STFU. Gooooo Tonnny!

Honest to God, if you watch this show, Tony is NEVER like this. He hardly ever says anything. He is no hot-head like maybe Maks is. And he is always incredibly sweet and loving to his partners. Kate, you’ve pushed even TONY over the edge, congratulations.

Kate looks resigned to really sucking and Tony actually covers his eyes, ha. Straight 5’s, which is generous. Kate says they’re not quitters. Well, Tony quit, so ….

Initially, I wanted Kate gone. Now I‘m kind of thinking, you know what, she wanted it, so let‘s give it to her. She wanted to play with the big boys and girls, she wanted to be famous, force her to suffer through this and vote her all the way to the end. You want it, Kate, you GOT IT!

Do what you like. I don’t vote on these kinds of things though. I never have, even though I’ve personally known two people now who have danced on this show. I didn’t even vote for them. I think you’d have to get my own mother on this show before I’d be motivated enough to pick up the phone.

Results show coming up tomorrow …..

And here we are time for the Results show. I won’t recap these things in much detail unless something really interesting happens. Let’s just get on with it:

Len feels sorry for Kate. Do NOT feel sorry for her. I’m prepared to give you a thesis as to why, any time. They exploit Haiti almost as much as they are exploiting Kate. Buzz is safe, our voting strategy worked maybe a little too well. It’s bulllll shiiittt that Pam and Brenda are in the bottom two and not Kate! I think maybe Pam’s fan base is mostly men who maybe aren‘t tuning in or are too cool to vote even if they enjoy watching her. I feel bad for her, she so deserves to be here and Dylan and Brandon at least need to see her dance once. It saddens me her true beautiful personality isn’t coming through all that clearly. With Brenda, I think a lot of her fan base is 28 years old now and busy with careers and fiancés and aren’t watching either. Brenda gets voted off. It’s not fair. I protest! She did this for her dad, because her dad is still in her life and they love each other, and now she’s gone. Boo-hiss. Kate survives another week.