Kate's competition and our predictions

How does Kate stack up against her competition? We break it down:

1. Pam Anderson. She's incredibly fit, which is good for dancing, and she has experience dancing ... topless on Elton John's piano. She's worked hard her whole life and will undoubtedly work very, very hard at this, too. Moreover, we have first-hand knowledge that Pam Anderson trumps Kate in the Mommy department. Your administrator once nannied for a good friend of son Brandon Lee's, and saw Anderson chaperone a school dance, pick up Brandon and Dylan from school, volunteer in class, and never miss a Pop Warner football game. Good for her. She'll make it past the half-way mark.

2. Chad Ochocinco. Probably only on the list to try to bring in a few male viewers, or at least not completely torture our husbands and boyfriends when we tune in. Football can be technical and very physical, but it's not dancing. No guarantees he will "get it." Also has a history of injuries. And those teeth will weigh him down. Won't make it to the half-way point.

3. Buzz Aldrin. Have you ever heard of a mechanical engineer who can dance? We didn't think so. But his extensive military background means he's going to learn all these dances or die trying. Still, he's 80 years old. Won't make it to the half-way point. Maybe even out first.

4. Evan Lysacek. We enjoyed watching his cute Gold Medal self at the Vancouver Olympics beat that Russian who looks like Adrien Brody with a bowl cut. Olympians traditionally do very well on DWTS. Speed skater Apolo Ono, and ice skaters Kristi Yamaguchi and Shawn Johnson all won their seasons. Olympians come to the competition already in top physical form, and they know the time and dedication it takes to learn something and learn it well--that's why they have medals. Did we mention how cute he is? I'm glad I don't have the baggage of eight kids if I ever run into him. As an ice skater, Lysacek understands music, lines, and everything else it takes to do this kind of thing well. Final three and he can win, easily.

5. Niecy Nash. Oh, God, she is so annoying on her stupid show Clean House! She is so annoying in general! And she looks like a drag queen! Probably won't make it to the half-way point, but she could be a wild card, who knows. She will be a lot funnier than Kate, and her weave is better, which means Kate will see her as huge competition.

6. Aiden Turner. Oh, my eyes hurt. He's adorable, and English. The English have done well on this show. But he has to commute back to the East Coast just like Kate--that's where he lives. It's tough doing that commute every week, and he has a wife and baby at home. Doesn't make it to the second half.

7. Erin Andrews. Another cast member added to try to draw in male viewers. Yawn, come on guys, she's not even that pretty. However, she has sizable dance experience. In college she was on the University of Florida's competitive basketball dance team. Will work hard and has some dirty moves up her sleeve. Top half.

8. Shannen Doherty. She's a beast! And she's Kate's biggest competition in the female department next to Nicole Scherzinger. Shannen has been acting her little heart out since she played Jenny on Little House on the Prairie. She can relate to being a child star and she and Kate will be instant enemies if Kate isn't too busy hating Neicy Nash and her weave. She also has extensive horseback riding experience, which can actually translate quite well to dancing in terms of posture and form. Also competes with Kate for creepiest wonky eye. Doherty is determined enough to make it to the top three, for sure.

9. Nicole Scherzinger. She's a true professional dancer with The Pussycat Dolls, and has some acting experience to. If she cares enough about this, she will make it to the top three.

10. Jake Pavelka. Oh, so that's why the cast was announced on The Bachelor. Gimmicky! Pavelka claims he can dance, but he's spent too many hours above the dance floor in his plane to take that seriously. He'll be beautiful eye-candy for a few weeks, then he's gone in the first half.

11. Finally, the one and only KATE GOSSELIN! Kate has no acting, dancing, or performing experience that we know of. Running around shrieking at your children and husband while a production crew tapes it all is not acting. She's comfortable around cameras and media, but so is everyone else in this competition. But the reason she makes it to the top half? Voters will keep her on for awhile just to see what she will do or say next. Also, she loves money enough to dance her heart out for it, like waving a banana in front of a trained monkey and watching what happens. She makes it to fifth place.

Top Three: Nicole Scherzinger, Shannan Doherty, Evan Lysacek.
Winner: Evan Lysacek
Kate: Fifth place

Kate will feud with: Shannon Doherty and Neicy Nash. Most women.

Kate will get along with: Umm .... crickets. Buzz Aldrin? She lets him meet the kids, they love him as a surrogate Grandpa, then she estranges him four weeks later.