Recap: DWTS Season Premiere--3/22/10 "Tony and his Target Shopping Cart Dance the Viennese"

Kate's score: 16 out of 30

And the moment has finally arrived. This show has only been on for five years? Why does it feel like soooo much longer? And when will actual writers be back on the job and reality crap be over with? Sigh. We get a quick recap of the last five years, with everything but Marie Osmond falling in a Mormon heap to the floor forgettable. That faint was so wild, it was out of nowhere. That season was wild, too. And cursed. Not only did that crazy faint happen, but two guest performers--Gloria Estefan and Jennifer Lopez, had to cancel for family emergencies, and Jane Seymour got food poisoning so bad she had to go to the hospital and miss a show, and then missed another one when her mom died. That season was moderately tolerable. I don’t have the same hopes this time around.

There have been 104 celebrities on this show? I didn’t even know there were 104 celebs period out there, much less 104 desperate enough to be on this show. Must be the economy. They’re all working moms and dads.

Credits role. Everyone looks really sexy. Kate does this weird leg lift thing to Tony like she’s about to mark her territory. Kind of like how she marked Jon? This show is so darn campy I can barely stand it.

By the way, I’m really glad Shannon Dougherty didn't really tan much. She is beautiful because her pale skin contrasts with her dark hair and blue eyes. She may be batshit crazy, but she’s beautiful.

Buzz is absolutely adorable in red, like your favorite great uncle at a Bar Mitzvah. I love him already. For all the talk of Pam Anderson, Neicy Nash's boobs actually need more reeling in than any Baywatch babe I‘ve ever seen. But for some reason with African-American women, big boobs are more accepted and not really talked about--it may be politically incorrect but it’s true. They call Kate a “reality star” as she comes down the steps with Tony with giant teeth bigger than any smile she‘s ever made around the kids. I wondered what they would call her. IVF addict? Professional grifter? TLC’s whore? I bet Kate wanted them to call her “working mom,” since this is for the kids.

First up, another football player I don’t know. Chad. Sure, okay! He’s your cliché professional sports star with a giant diamond earring in his right ear, indiscernible tattoos/scribbles down his arms, and dressed all in black designer sweats. They dance the cha-cha-cha. To Jimmy Castor. I’m serious. Hey, this guy’s not bad for no experience. He’s sort of got a bell bottom, Michael Jackson thing going on. The judges actually think he’s got a lot of potential, but he only gets 18 out of 30 points.

Commercials, and we’re back. Ah, Brenda from Beverly Hills 90210. She and her twin brother Brandon were fish out of water in Beverly Hills after they moved from Minnesota. That episode where her mom finds her pregnancy test in the garbage because she's a recycling nut and goes through everything? Every teenage girl in America was talking about that episode the next morning in homeroom. Dylan, The Peach Pit, I could go on and on. It’s undisputed that that show officially jumped the shark when Brenda left. It’s one of those TV facts.

Brenda … sorry, I mean Shannen, even says she’s best known for her 90210 role, which is totally awesome that she embraces that even though she‘s actually done quite a bit of legitimate acting since. Kate should embrace the fact that her kids made her famous. Or her magical uterus. Whichever. I also like that Brenda (is it okay I call her that?) calls herself an actor, not an actress. It’s not the 50’s anymore, you go girl! She is itching herself wildly on the arms … um, facetiously, I think. I told you she’s crazy. Her dad had a stroke and wanted her to do the show. Aw. Wait, what? She’s not estranged from her father? I find that so hard to believe. But she even has pictures to prove it. Probably Photoshopped.

Brenda and Mark Ballas, the only performer with balls enough to tell the truth about what happened when he met Kate, dance the Viennese Waltz. Brenda is shorter and chunkier than I remembered. She’s not all that flowy, but she is really enjoying herself. The choreography was pretty ambitious, and Bruno agrees with me. Wait, is that her dad AND her mom in the audience? You mean she’s not estranged for her mom either? I need a moment. While I’m trying to process that a daughter would actually still want her parents in her life supporting each other even well into her 30’s, the judges give Brenda 18 out of 30 points.

Commercials, and we’re back with Erin Andrews. I actually watch a fair amount of sports for a chick, and I still have no idea who she is. I guess the semi-hot blonde sportscasters they always stick down on the field (while all the men sportscasters get to be up in the box smoking cigars and congratulating themselves on being masters of the universe) all look the same to me. You could have grabbed my neighbor‘s daughter, told me this is Jen Snow and she’s a sportscaster who's gonna do a little dance, and I wouldn’t know the difference.

Can I just put this out there? Erin is not hot. At all! Maybe sports casting is a real job Kate could actually do. Haha, Erin says she asked for Tony. Don’t you know, Erin, Kate always gets what she wants?

They dance the cha-cha-cha to Tik Tok by Ke$ha. For those of Buzz's generation, it's cool now to use a dollar sign in place of an S, such as in Ke$ha, or Multiple Ble$$ings. Tik Tok is a song with an actual plot, which I find very refreshing. It speaks of attending a party one night, coming home half-drunk, and waking up the next morning surrounded by beautiful women. Erin’s rather stiff, I expected better since she’s had some dance team experience in college. Straight 7’s and she gets 21 out of 30.

It’s The Bachelor, Jake. He is incredibly hot. I hate that reality stars are considered celebrities. I refuse to watch The Bachelor, I have enough rejection in my own dating life, I don’t need to watch other women get their hearts broken, too, repeatedly. They dance the Viennese Waltz to Kiss From a Rose, which is clever. He’s pretty bad, it’s obvious she’s leading him. But he keeps a smile on his pretty face. Bruno actually thinks the opposite, that he was leading too much. The judges give him a fairly decent score of 20 out of 30.

Everything about Neicy Nash is like nails on a chalkboard to me, from her scratchy voice to her high-pitched screams to the giant fake flower she always wears in her fake hair. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice person but my ears hurt.

Finally an actual SONG, Rescue Me. Excellent choice. Neicy has a lot of fun with this, lots of spins and kisses to the judges. Not only does she have a giant fake gold flower in her weave, but she also feels the need to attach one to her costume, too. Like if the flower on her weave falls off, she can reach down and attach the spare? She is ridiculous. Why is she crying? I hate when people cry on this show. Len calls her routine uneventful. And flat. Like Kate’s stomach after her free tummy tuck. The audience boos like they actually care. Surprisingly, Neicy tries to talk back. Bad, bad idea. Talking back never gets you votes. It just makes you look defensive, insecure, stubborn, narcissistic, and unable to take constructive criticism. I expect a lot of talking back from Kate. 18 out of 30. Neicy dedicates her performance to big girls everywhere. I wonder if Kate will dedicate hers to working moms everywhere.

Olympian Evan Lysachek is up next, and he’s good looking, talented, and dedicated. Olympians traditionally do very well on this show and I’ve picked him to win. His Viennese Waltz is just beautiful, perfect turns, he looks like he’s on ice skates. I agree with Len, he could use more chemistry with his partner. Maybe they should go to a Taylor Swift concert together. He gets the highest score yet, 23 out of 30.

Buzz is up, yea! Kate’s over-stimulated ovaries can’t hold a candle to this astronaut’s brilliance and accomplishments. Oh, God, he’s so cute! He’s wearing his NASA jacket around the house and calls his partner a “cute babe.” Their cha-cha-cha is really simple, like they’re worried about his hip or something. I keep picturing him at a Bar Mitzvah, or on a cruise ship. This guy is eighty years old, good for him to even try something like this. Too bad there wasn’t Dancing With the Stars in 1965. But no reality programming in the 60's. Back in the olden days they had things called TV shows with scripts and actors and all kinds of crazy nonsense like that. It’s like the judges want to give him higher scores, but just can’t. Buzz has a real purpose for doing this, to inspire kids about space. Oh, thought he was just a working grandpa. He gets a dismal score, 14 out of 30. Aw, Buzz.

Up next, that Pussycat Dolls chick. Hey, look, her partner Derek Hough has gotten his first facial hairs. Seriously, this guy has always looked twelve years old. They dance the Viennese Waltz, and it’s absolutely amazing. Beautiful lines, good chemistry (which is hard to do with Derek--he has such a baby face anyone who has ever danced with him looks like his mother), complicated choreography, what a treat. I’ll expect a lot from this cat this season. It’s really going to be between her and Evan, hang up your dancing shoes and go home to your eight kids, Kate! 25 out of 30.

Soap star Aiden Turner. No idea. No clue. They really are saving Kate for the end aren’t they? DWTS is using her just like TLC! This guy’s good looking, I guess. An uncomplicated cha-cha-cha to Hungry Like the Wolf. His facial expressions are sultry. His costume looks like a sexy plumber. The judges were kinda freaked out by this, as was I. Horrible scores, 15 out of 30.

I just checked my Tivo to see how much more of this torture I have to take. This episode is two and a half hours long?? I can’t do this.

Finally, it’s Kate! Thank you, thank you! “I’m Kate Gosselin, I’m best known as a mom who just happens to be on TV.”

Pause button! Let me stop you right there, Kate. You didn’t just happen to be on TV like I happened to pour myself a bowl of Cheerios this morning. You actively, aggressively, relentlessly pursued a career in TV using the fact that you “happened“ (yeah right) to give birth to six babies at once as your leverage. And when it was crystal clear this TV career was profoundly and perhaps even permanently emotionally damaging said precious innocent young children, you continued to play out your divorce and everything else private about their lives on TV, including but not limited to signing on with DWTS. Just making sure we’re clear, no “happening” here! Take some responsibilty for where you are for once. There, rant over.

Thankfully, they use some old footage from Jon and Kate Plus 8 of the kids, instead of filming them recently. They better not film one second of those kids during this. They've had enough. Kate wants to prove her kids wrong and show them she can dance. Yeah, prove your kids wrong, that’s healthy, Kate! Her eyes get creepy scary as she says this. Eh!

Well, I see Kate has really grown and matured since we’ve last heard from her. Not! The dancing practices consists of Kate sighing, rolling her eyes, crying, asking what has she done, and overall being a big unappreciative baby. Tony questions whether she even wants to be here. Good for him, call her on this whiny attention-seeking shit. Ha, I called it! Kate dedicates her dance to the mothers!

They dance an oddly slow, short Viennese Waltz to Billy Joel’s “She’s Always a Woman.” Do you guys know this song? I’m fond of the part that goes, “And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free,” which incidentally, the band cuts out. Ha!

Kate’s inexperience is painfully, horribly obvious. Poor Tony, he’s never won and he’s not gonna win this season. She’s choppy, short, ungraceful, everything you would expect and more.

Photo courtesy of http://jonandkateplus8snark.blogspot.com/

Len calls her nervous and oh, my, Kate’s smile disappears faster than a teddy bear with gum in its fur. What is going on with her crazy mascara-coated wonky eye? It’s wandering everywhere but where it should be. It’s worse than Brenda’s. I keep waiting for fire to shoot out it, or lightning bolts, or something scary like that. She is gonna turn on us Betty Broderick style at any moment, wait for it.

Bruno says it looks like Tony is pushing around a shopping cart. A Target shopping cart I hope. The audience boos. “She has to learn!” Bruno insists. Oh, Bruno, there’s a lot this woman has to learn, you don‘t know the half of it. I love the part when Carrie Ann basically says she has absolutely no talent in any area she can think of, unlike EVERYBODY ELSE who has been on this show who had some kind of talent in SOMETHING. Kate for some reason smiles, thinking this is a compliment. Okay, sure! Carrie Ann then calls her sweetly vulnerable and honest. I can think of a lot of words to describe Kate before I would pick vulnerable and honest. Vulnerable and honest are probably number 524 on the list, followed by kind and nice and works for a living.

They make us wait for a commercial before giving us the results. I’m guessing three sixes. Ohhh, worse than I thought, one six from Carrie Ann and two fives. 16 out of 30. Surprisingly though there’s scores out there lower than that.

Kate is actually pretty gracious about that sad score, just saying she’s honored to be here. Kate says her kids can rest easy tonight. Her kids were stressed out about this? Gee, wonder who made them feel that way. There really isn’t much competition here other than Pussycat and Evan, is there?

Finally, last, Pamela Anderson, whom I really like. I’ve had several encounters with her through mutual friends--her boys attend the same school as friends of mine. You wouldn’t think so, but my experience with her, in short, is that she is incredibly kind, gracious, and down to earth. In fact, I’ve never even seen her with makeup on--other than when I see her on TV. And she is almost always with her kids. Notice she went makeup free, unlike Kate and most other contestants, for her rehearsals. See? Like I said, down to earth.

Her cha-cha-cha is fast, complicated, and sexy. Her purple costume was sexy but restrained. The judges thought she was sexy too. That dance really exhausted Pam, she’s out of breath. I don't think she's a smoker that I've ever seen. They give her a decent score of 21 out of 30.

Oh God, this drawn out campy mess is finally over. Kate’s performance was worse than I expected for someone as driven as her. I don’t think we’ll see her for more than a few more weeks. I certainly will sleep better tonight!

No results show this week. I want to kick someone off. Kate survives another week.