Episode 3 Recap--Bitch from hell does the Paso Doble

Last week, Brenda got kicked off …. Bulll shit! Enough said! Tonight, each dance must tell a story. Hmm, I have an idea, maybe Kate could dance around little cutouts of the kids while she yanks $100 dollar bills out of their little hands. Liiive …. This is Dancing …. With the Stars. And Kate! Kate lifts her leg and marks Tony again like she does every week, just like my dog marks the same little palm tree every time we go out. I’m such a dog lover I find that cute, that he has his little spot he always makes a beeline for. Heh.

Tom and Brooke are way up in the audience, except the audience has been instructed not to turn around and look at them, which just looks odd. DWTS is really proud of themselves they’re getting good ratings. They keep bringing it up. Admittedly it really is due at least in part to Kate. The train wreck effect. Me, that would humiliate me. But when you have no shame, the show must go on.

Derek and Nicole are in blue and white sailor outfits that make him look at most four years old. There’s Kate and Tony and …. Lordy be, Kate is wearing an absolutely horrendous yellow wig with a long nappy pony tail down the side. $7,000 in hair extensions and she’s wearing a wig you could find in aisle five at CVS in October for maybe $21.99. Between that and the blinding stop sign red …. thing …. of a dress with the sparkly black trim and long black dominatrix gloves, my best guess for this Halloween costume is, um …. Dirty Rapunzle? Tony’s costume is exactly the same as last week, only this time the red trim is straight, not curly. Tony is literally gritting his teeth, like he cannot believe his life right now.

Well, Kate’s dance is, predictably, going to be about the paparazzi. Sob, she walks out her door and the paparazzi (or paparazzo, according to Werny Gal) follow her! Her life is controlled by the flashing light bulbs! Normal is no longer normal! Yeah, does this seem a little trite right now in light of this week’s reports about Erin Andrews receiving….death threats?

I don’t recall seeing this before, they bring out several of the professional dancers to show us how the Waltz, Quickstep and the Paso Doble are supposed to look. That’s helpful I suppose, since we already can imagine we’re not going to learn much from Kate tonight. Is it kind of insulting they actually have to show us how it’s supposed to look first before bringing out everybody else? I feel like they did this just for Kate and maybe Buzz, but they’re pretending it’s for “everyone.” Kind of like how my chemistry teacher had to explain the concept of a “mole” five times for the whole class. But really it was just for me. I hated chemistry, I had no business being there. Hey, kinda like Kate has no business being on Dancing With the Stars!

Evan is tired of being in second place. Ha, Kate wishes. This whole telling a story thing makes the show tonight slightly more interesting. Slightly. Evan is really making his rather lanky body work for him, he is totally vaudeville and all flexibility in his Quickstep. I think he could get a 10 for this! Evan worked so hard he broke a couple toes? Holy fuck. If Kate broke toes she would see to it CNN made that headline news. Two 9’s and an 8, 26 out of 30.

Buzz has an iPhone? I bet he’s always texting away on that and ignoring the grandkids! I actually don’t think the fact that he’s eighty is the only reason why Buzz is having trouble. Like he says, he has a hard time turning off his racing mind. The man is brilliant. He passed up a full ride to MIT and went to West Point instead. You know, MIT as in Good Will Hunting. When you’re choosing between MIT and West Point, you’ve made it. Problem is, smart people overthink things like ballroom dancing. The 1940’s theme is way overdone on this show, but it’s okay for Buzz since he actually did do his time in the military, I say he can do what he wants. Their story is he’s a father coming home from war to see his daughter. It works. But as usual most of the dancing falls to Ashley. The judges are rather harsh, calling it poor and simplified. Something is not right about two foreigners criticizing an American hero. At least we know with Buzz that Carrie Anne won’t be bitching about lifts, that ain’t gonna happen. There is an awesome part that was easy to miss where Ashley tells Buzz, “You should say something if you want to say something.” Meaning, he should talk back to the judges. But Buzz has way too much class for that, Ashley, and instead just brushes this all off and calls himself a patriotic geezer. He is who he is and that’s why he’s still here. 13 out of 30 and everyone boos.

Jake is doing a mummy theme. I don’t get what this has to do with him, but it does have to do with tonight’s Castle, coming up at 10/9PM central! This is full of all kinds of props and dry ice and such, it looks kind of like something you would see at Disneyland. She even puts him in a tomb at the end. Since ABC is owned by Disney, of course the judges claim they love this kind of thing. 21 out of 30.

Neicy’s up, and my opinion of her is changing daily. She was on Good Morning America Monday morning and did you see this interview? It was awesome. It was supposed to be about the three moms on DWTS, but it ended up being more sort of Pam and Neicy passive aggressively insulting Kate the whole time, and Kate having no idea that’s what was happening, which is the best. First Pam, who was oddly seated outside what looked to be my ex-boyfriend’s apartment complex in Burbank (Ryan, what have you been doing with Pam?), said she would never intentionally expose Dylan and Brandon to the paparazzi until they are old enough to decide for themselves whether they want the attention. Word. And then Neicy said that raising teenagers is a hell of a lot harder than just handing a popsicle to a little kid and putting him down for a nap. Also, word. And, OMG. Ha! Why do I get the feeling that there have been a lot of “discussions” (or, Kate picking fights) between Kate and Pam and Kate and Neicy about whether it’s bad for kids to be in the press, and whether raising teenagers is harder or raising little kids is harder? I love it.

Neicy’s boyfriend is a white dude, so she’s going to do a dance about interracial relationships. Yikes, that’s heavy. I’m still way up here with the mummies and you want me to go way down there? But I‘m game.

You read a lot of really boring court cases in law school, but once in awhile there is a case out there that really moves you. For me, that was Loving v. Virginia, a landmark 1967 Supreme Court case that overturned interracial marriage laws. It’s a beautiful case because it was a beautiful love story. Richard and Mildred Loving, a white man and a black woman and childhood sweethearts, were married in D.C. and later lived in Virginia, where their marriage was considered void. Police actually stormed into their home while they were sleeping in their bed and arrested them. They were sentenced to a year in jail and ordered to leave the state. It sounds so outrageous now, but this was only a few decades ago. Mildred wrote a letter to Robert F. Kennedy pleading for help, and he referred them to the ACLU which took up their cause, as did several churches who also decided to take a stand. The law was overturned in an unanimous decision. They had three kids together and were happily married until tragically Richard died not too long after in a car accident.

So go for it, Neicy. This is an important topic and if I may say so, analogous to what’s going on with gay marriages right now.

Well, I’m not sure that this is really translating, and Crazy Anne is gonna bitch and moan about lifts, I just know it. I wish they would show Neicy’s white boyfriend in the audience, but oddly, they focus on that big black dude again. Who is he? Can’t be her bodyguard, no? The judges think she pulled it off. Crazy Anne had one crazy eye on all those lifts to make sure her feet stayed on the floor, of course! 21 out of 30. I don’t really like that they have to beat us over the head about how this is still going on today because gays can’t marry. I think we all got that way back ten minutes ago. Well, okay maybe Kate didn‘t. Maybe that was for her benefit, too. Incidentally, I always kind of assumed Kate was pretty conservative given her religious background. I would bet she doesn’t support gay marriage since most churches don’t, but I have no idea. I wonder what she thinks of all these liberal left-coasters?

Chad is up. It’s funny when he talks to himself, calling himself “son.” I think he and Cheryl are together, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the way he gripped her ass during the middle of their hot sexy Paso. This is Chad’s best dance yet. They focus on Chad’s family, and George Lopez. He’s an Ochocinco? Huh. Chad gets a 20 out of 30, and I think they could have been a little more liberal.

All right, it’s Pam. I thought she was amazing last week as Marilyn Monroe, but she was in the bottom two. She almost got voted out! Pam was funny last week when she quipped, “You’re supposed to vote?” Ha.

What was that about the boys being with their dad when they watched her last week? You mean she didn’t leave them with five nannies? Pam says she didn’t put a lot of effort into voting. Plus Pam, you only have two kids who can vote and Kate has eight, plus TLC robo callers! The deck is stacked, Pam, sorry!

And now it’s time for another Pam Anderson story. I would often see Pam in the grocery store. Not the organic grocery store. The one all the commoners go to with the shopper’s club rewards and the coupons. Pam does her own grocery shopping. This can actually be kind of rare in this town. A lot of celebs send the assistant or the nanny or both. I know a celeb who has not stepped into a grocery store in ten years. I wonder if she knows you can do self-checkout now and scan your own stuff, which sounds like fun at first blush but in actuality is a giant pain in the ass--your coupons never scan right, it’s all confused whether your apples are fuji or Granny Smith, I never was into it. There is no reason Pam really has to do her own grocery shopping. She can afford to pay someone to do it. But maybe she wants to feel normal, like a normal mom doing normal things for her boys. One time when I saw her she was buying juice boxes, fruit, and other normal stuff like that. She was in jeans, a white t-shirt, and no makeup. We ended up in the same checkout line. We’ve seen each other enough at the boys’ school for her to sort of know who I am even if she might not remember my name, but it’s one of those things where we’ve never been formally introduced. But she didn’t do the thing even laypeople do where you pretend not to know the other person. She paused in unpacking her cart, smiled, and said hello how you doing in a friendly tone. At this time in my life I had only recently moved to California and I was still getting used to bumping into celebrities, so this was all very novel to me. But the fact that Pam was acting like she had just run into a familiar face from the glee club, and didn’t seem to think it was any big deal she, Pam Anderson, was taking a moment out of her day to make small talk with me, a nobody--made it seem less like a thrilling celebrity encounter and more like neighbors just being neighborly. That’s Pam, a normal neighbor.

Charo has had so much collagen pumped into her face she can’t even speak anymore. But she doesn’t need to speak, she can still show Pam some good moves. Pam kind of looks like a Real Housewife of Orange County, only sans total narcissistic bitch. I feel like Pam’s Paso is selling herself short. I feel like this could be more complicated. But it’s good, she doesn’t miss a step and she’s completely in character again. Bruno is spot on: Underneath the blonde exterior she is a real performer. Yes, yes. She could be Meryl Streep, I’m serious. She simply stepped down a different path. Meryl went Oscar’s way, Pam went …. Hugh’s way? 21 out of 30.

Aiden. I’m still bored with him. So he threw up after his dance, I threw up too after my doctor put me on Cipro yesterday, show me something interesting. It’s not often the husband is better looking than the wife, for some reason it’s usually the other way around. I can’t make heads or tails of their story, other than he’s an artist painting. It’s kind of a shame Aiden is a total nobody, in my opinion (who watches soaps anymore, truly?), because he is what Dancing With the Stars should be about. He’s not a dancer, but he’s learning and improving week by week. His quickstep was decent, he’s gaining confidence, it’s a shame he just has one cute little baby to vote for him and not eight. 20 out of 30.

Erin Andrews. I cannot imagine how frightening it must be to know there’s death threats going around about you. Steve is carrying Kate's purse and walking around with his hands in his pockets and Erin is getting death threats. Seriously, Kate thinks her life is rough because an INF photographer is hanging around by the McMansion’s fence. During the middle of the dance Maks ties a blindfold over Erin's eyes. A blindfold covered in sequins of course, as this is DWTS. It’s mildly interesting to watch someone dance a waltz blindfolded. Excellent score of 23 out of 30.

Kate’s finally up, second to last. Tom says last week she danced a “jumbled jive.” Ha, that’s putting it mildly. Also don’t forget, Tom, Bruno called the routine a nightmare and said she was a Stepford wife! Predictably, they are dancing to “Paparazzi.” Kate says Lady Gaga speaks to her. I’m trying to think in what context a 35-year-old woman would ever find an occasion to say out loud that Lady Gaga speaks to her. I guess this is it. For some reason this kind of reminds me of Barbara Walter’s recent interview with Ms. Gaga, where clearly to her credit she had done a ton of research on her and really tried to get up to speed about what exactly she was all about, what do all the young'uns like these days, and yet still had no clue. When Lady Gaga could be your granddaughter, it just doesn’t work.

I love how Kate makes it seem like just one day she was stepping outside her home with her cup of coffee to get the morning newspaper and she was suddenly besieged by a bunch of evil menacing photographers. Not in fact that she actively put herself in the public eye for the past six years, made herself as controversial as possible, then refused to take herself out of the public eye when she easily could have at any time, and that’s when the paparazzi showed up. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? In this case, the Khicken. I also find it amusing that Kate let an entire production crew in her own children’s bedrooms filming everything including their dirty diapers, yet now has a problem with one lone photographer taking a couple telephoto shots from the fence a football field away. Ha, hypocrite, much?

They show a couple said paparazzi photos and there’s her boyfriend. I mean Steve. Holding his hand up to the lens all Princess Diana-y. Please. I cannot imagine Kate ever marching up to a photographer on a ski trip and saying, Excuse me I’m trying to have a private family vacation with my sons do you mind buzzing off? Because that’s what Diana did, often. That would be the day. In FACT, Kate invites them into her limo and Tony takes them out to lunch and pays!

Tony has to resort to bringing in an acting coach Kate is having such trouble with the routine. And it’s no wonder Kate is having trouble, she can’t act. Bruno said this, she’s said it, and we all know it. She simply loves the paparazzi, you can’t expect her pull a Sophie’s Choice kind of performance out of this.

Typical Kate rehearsal, Kate is crying, whining, playing victim again saying ridiculous nonsense like “it’s not only survival for me it’s survival for my kids.” She is barking mad, she really is. Kate, Jon just filed for custody from you because you’re never home. As well, he is paying you $20,000 a month in child support. Busted, again! What’s up now?! Not only is Kate a narcissist, I also think she is a pathological liar. If the veneers are moving, she’s lying. This should be funny, but it’s kind of sad, because the majority of her lies lately involve trashing the children’s father. He finally couldn’t take it anymore. At least Jon can go to court. Tony doesn’t really have that option.

This is the Paso Doble? It could be the waltz, it could be the quickstep, who knows. Tony basically at this point really is just like “fuck it” when it comes to her choreography. Kate can’t dance, so might as well just have her stomp around instead. He has her throw some fake tabloid magazines, then she clumps down a red carpet and does this bizarre thing where she holds her arms out to the sides and wiggles a bit from side to side, which Jimmy Falon later parodied hysterically. They march up and down the floor a few times, do a spin, she ends up in a heap on the floor clutching his leg, and that’s it. Oh, man, Bruno, do not disappoint me.

If Carrie Anne could say what the fuck on network TV, she would. Instead, she says, “That was odd.” Ha. She also says it was hard to watch, it was disjointed and strange. Oh my God, Kate gives Carrie Anne the biggest bitch face ever! Len simply says it wasn’t very good, and too pedestrian. Bruno, come on, give it to us. And here it comes: Super bitch from hell! Bruno, will you marry me?

Back with Brooke, Kate is still going on about how hard the paparazzi make her life over the “years.” Years? Well, actually, this only started about a year ago when Jon just couldn’t take it anymore and was spotted out with someone else. Up until then, you lived on Andrews Ave., a normal block, and it was rare you were ever in the tabloids. You did have cameras around, but you invited them into your home yourself! So don’t pretend this is the bane of your existence. Tony mutters something about how she did an incredible job, and he can’t even look her in the eyes. If you roll the tape backwards he actually says “Help me save me get me out of here I cannot believe my life!” Straight 5’s, 15 out of 30.

Finally Derek and the Pussycat. Linda Holmes from TWOP wrote an excellent article this week about why Nicole shouldn’t be here, basically because her profession, her college major, everything about her is dancing. That’s completely different than having some dance experience, as almost all well-rounded celebs do. They try to cook up some drama with Nicole pretending she’s worried she’ll look stupid. Look at Derek’s peach fuzz mustache, ha. As usual their Quickstep to “Anything Goes” is wonderful. They should be on Broadway or something, not here. I love Kate Capshaw’s version of “Anything Goes” in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The judges grapple to criticize them, overdoing it. Bizarre scores of 8, 6 and 9, 23 out of 30.

Results show: At least someone with higher scores than Kate wasn’t voted off. Buzz and The Bachelor are in the bottom two. I wouldn’t care if The Bachelor goes, but I’m also starting to feel like it’s really Buzz’s time, and he knows it. The criticism is getting mean. Buzz goes, and we salute you as one of the few celebs on this show actually worth admiring!