DWTS Episode 4 Recap: Scent of a Liar: Kate's Tango is surprisingly .... okay, but the mistruths are at an all time high!

Kate's score: Technique: 14/30. Performance: 18/30. 32 out of 60.

Last time …. The graphics guys had a lot of fun making Buzz’s lower body a rocket ship and blasting him off into the world of cast-offs, and to having his life back. All the dancers salute him, and Kate finally catches on to what the party is doing and salutes too, talking and laughing as she does so while everyone else shows quiet dignified respect.

Coming up, they are getting really gimmicky this season. Tonight they will get two scores--for Performance and Technique. I like how the preview clip of Kate is just her shrieking … still think everyone on DWTS loves her? I kind of don’t mind all the ratings gimmicks. I find this show inexplicably mind-numbing, and all this stuff relieves my boredom ever so slightly, such that I feel like maybe I’m reading Moby Dick, instead of War and Peace.

Live! This is Dancing … With the Stars!

I hate the part where the stars come down the stairs for like ten minutes, it’s like a bad cruise ship variety show. Neicy’s boobs are huge, I mean huge. Why is this never talked about? Derek trips, haha. When you’re seven-years-old you’re still rather clumsy.

Tony is in all black leather and chains, he looks like Zorro and Michael Jackson had a baby. I think Kate looks surprisingly decent tonight, she has on this silver metallic sleeveless number with a really flowy skirt, like a really expensive prom dress, and her hair is pulled back modestly with flowy tendrils. Tony’s smile at this point looks like a Ken doll, and why does he keep avoiding our eyes? Maybe he’s embarrassed at the nonsense he says in their segment, which we’ll go into later.

Len, Bruno, and Carrie Ann sit down in an empty room at this round table with a black table cloth. It‘s all dark and smoky. They look like they’re in the basement of an Italian restaurant in Queens discussing how they’re going to cause an unlucky accident to befall the guy who ran over the boss’s 12-year-old. But really they’re just talking about what a terrible dancer Kate is and how she‘s going to butcher The Tango. They give the other dancers some constructive criticism and then some professionals come out to show us how The Tango is really done, with pyrotechnics! Cool, but wouldn’t that be a lot more appropriate to save for the Bitch from Hell?

Erin Andrews. She says her favorite athletes are those who never talk about their injuries and don‘t lose any playing time. Exactly. Are you hurt, or just injured? I love Erin so much for this statement (and by the way, I‘m the biggest Penn State fan you‘ve ever met this side of the Mississippi, and Joe Paterno‘s team never complains!). I think this philosophy could apply to emotional turmoil as well, or anything rough going on in your life. Just get out there and get on with it, quit your crying. Because I can, I’m going to take this as a passive aggressive dig at Kate, even though I don’t think she meant it that way. After all, they went out of the way last week to prove to us that Erin and Kate are “friends” because they text on their iphones! I think she is getting better and better every week, this is a real treat. Her Tango really shows off her long legs. Technique: 18 out of 30. Performance: 21 out of 30. 39 out of 60, rather underscored I think.

Evan. I like that he’s doing The Tango, he could be a young Al Pacino. When you’re a nanny you meet a lot of other nannies, and I once was actually pretty good friends with someone who worked for Al Pacino. One year Al Pacino didn’t have a date for the Oscars … so he took Ariana. It was maybe five years ago? I know some sheeple out there don’t believe my stories, so I suppose you could dig around for old Oscar pics to find him with the nanny. Believe me a lot of celebs would not do that, they would sooner hire an escort than take the lowly “staff,” especially the nanny who is just a step above the Guatemalan gardener. Flashbacks to 1998 and The Backstreet Boys, they’re using a chair as a prop. I do not think The Tango works with “Boy Why You Trippin’ Like That.” Have you ever noticed Brooke always passes the microphone back and forth in slow motion? Technique: 26/30. Performance: 26/30. 52 out of 60.

It’s back to the basement for the judges. Leave the gun, take the cannolis, says Lenny. It’s not personal, Kart, it’s business, says Bruno. In Sicily lifts are more dangerous than shotguns, Crazy Ann opines. Why did you go to the police, why didn't you come to me first? the Godfather demands. Lenny, Bruno, and Carrie Ann are total mob names, which makes this all the more hysterical. The professionals show us the real Rumba, to Kelly Clarkson. This show.

Neicy has to rehearse on the set of Clean House. I never got that show. Is it Hoarders (yeah, it wishes it were that awesome)? Is it about how to throw a great garage sale? Is it a forum for Neicy to tell dumb jokes? Trading Spaces? It tries to be all of that and as a result, is inexplicably obnoxious, which is why it’s buried up in cable no man’s land somewhere about 1 a.m. on channel 312 or some such. Neicy works 10 to 12 hour days on the Clean House set, then after rehearses. Wasn’t Kate just remarking how she puts in a long and exhausting six hours of work each day? Phew! The thing is, the sort of sad truth about making it in show business? You have to be that rare person willing to put in 10 to 12 hour days on the set, then rehearse for hours and hours after it‘s a wrap. If you don‘t want to do the time, you probably don’t make it. Lots of coffee and possibly speed helps. Neicy also suggests an angel. Ha, what? Realize that most people do not just fall into celebrity (as Kate so wants us to believe), they work like dogs to get there at the expense of everything else including their time. It is a strange anomaly to see someone as lazy and worn down as Kate be this famous for this long. There’s something missing in Neicy’s Rumba. The judges try to figure it out, Len saying there were no highlights and Bruno saying she was in a trance. Yowser, big bitch face from Neicy; Kate, you’ve got some competition. Technique: 18/30. Performance: 18/30. 36 out of 60.

Why does Aiden always sound like he has a bad head cold? Is it just his British accent? Pretty much everyone still has other commitments to take care of during DWTS, but Kate still thinks she wrote the book on multi-tasking and also you better give her a medal for flying back to PA every week (for just one day this week), and the medal should be mounted too. And since it’s DWTS, have glitter on it. For Aiden, he had to do a cruise this week. Oh, Susan Lucci is here. Did I mention Tony brought her all the way to sixth place? The woman was like 63. She wasn’t qualified to tell him how she should learn things. Edyta is wearing pretty much nothing. She literally has one metallic sleeve and some pasties on. This wasn’t that good, I think his biggest problem is they have absolutely no chemistry, pasties or not. He’s just one of those guys who is so fiercely devoted to his wife and baby he’s never going to look that good with another woman. Technique: 15/30. Performance: 18/30. 33 out of 60.

Up next, Pussycat and the Kid. Derrick is scarfing down potato chips, I hope the boy knows that will just make the acne worse. Naturally Pussycat’s Rumba is excellent, although it looks like she’s wearing a bed sheet, which I find rather inappropriate actually. Isn’t Ballroom Dancing sort of supposed to be something classy and dignified? Americans insist on adding sex to everything, it’s a shame I think. Americans would find a way to sex up bocce ball if they could. By the way if you missed it the first 22 times they told us, Tom Burgeron is going to be on Castle tonight. My friend keeps telling me what a great show that is, but my Tivo is already away from her kids almost as much as Kate, I hate to ask her to do one more thing. Technique: 25/30. Performance: 25/30. 50 out of 60. Pussycat is tearful, aww wasn’t that good enough for the dance major/professional dancer?

The Bachelor. His Tango looks pretty traditional. It’s weird how he’s smiling goofily, I thought it was supposed to be a really serious dance. He trips a little on his shoe but he keeps going. The judges criticize the technique, which they’re right about. The connection is missing. Technique: 19/30. Performance: 19/30. 38 out of 60.

Kate’s finally up, not exactly last, but close enough. Last week: Paparazzi. What in the holy fuck baby Jesus hail Mary blesset art thou among women was that? is all I have to say. Do you see the incredible irony that Kate’s whole story was how much she “hates” the Paparazzi, and yet in her book, which we got our grubby little hands on yesterday, Kate says, and I quote, “I truly enjoy the campaigns, books, shows, media.” Do those two things really reconcile? Drink every time Kate lies in this segment. On second thought don’t, you better not, you’ll end up drunker than a Southern Baptist Preacher at a High School Dance.

Once again, her segment is basically, “waa, waa, waa.” Tony is acting like he’s falling for this, which is incredibly disappointing. First Kate claims she’s been going through shit for two years. Wait just a minute. Did Kate just get Kaught? We long suspected that the marriage has been a sham for years. In August 2008, she and Jon renewed their vows in Hawaii, promising to be together forever. That’s a year and a half ago, not two years. So, that REALLY WAS a sham! Good to finally see her admit it.

Kate next claims that she wakes up every morning and checks the news to see what her day will bring. Hopefully she also checks our blog, which is the most up to date on her shenanigans/lies if you don‘t mind my saying so! And she can pull it up on her iphone! First of all, though, that’s incredibly unhealthy. Most very famous people will tell you not to read the tabloids, they will just make you ill. Second of all, I thought she didn’t care what the press says. Now she wakes up every day hanging on their every word? How sad for you that you base your day around what some 25-year-old writer who really would prefer to work for The New Yorker is saying about you in US Weekly. I think she just likes to read about herself in print, she gets off on it, but Kate tries to play it like they are causing her to have poor self-esteem and all those magazines just want to be big meanies to her.

Kate then brings up the custody stuff going on right now. Aren’t her kids at home watching this with five nannies and eight bowls of popcorn? Kate is so majorly busted right now thanks to Jon finally retaining a real lawyer at least half as good as I am, let me count the ways. I have to work and my ex is a deadbeat … but Jon pays you 22k in child support a month: BUSTED. Jon is an absent father who never sees his kids …. But you control his visitation schedule and won’t let him see them and now he‘s filing so you don‘t have the final say anymore. BUSTED. This is all for the kids …. But you just put it in writing in your book this is all for the publicity. BUSTED again! I love it. Let’s keep going!

Tony then says, “If you fail this week, he wins. Will you let that happen?” I’m trying not to lose all respect for Tony because I actually really like him, but that statement is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, and absolutely something the children have no business ever hearing. In fact several judges (bench officers, not DWTS panel people) I know would give Kate a serious smackdown for discussing an open family law case involving five-year-old children on national TV and accusing their father of just trying to “win“ something. If I were the judge, I would threaten to hold her in contempt of a court order if she discusses the case publicly one more time. I can only hope Tony was just saying that to get Kate to suck it up and get back to rehearsing, I don’t know. First of all, Tony, I love you, but DWTS has absolutely nothing to do with Jon, I don‘t think Jon really cares what all campy D-lister reality shows Kate embarrasses herself on, the point is she is not home. And Jon doesn’t want Kate to fail nor is he trying to “win“. He wants the kids when Kate is not home, what is so damn terrible or hard to understand about this? Kate, you are never home! Why can’t the children be with their father when you aren’t? Everything Jon has said about her being on this show has been very supportive. It’s not all about Kate, as Tony and Kate are spinning it. The suit wasn‘t filed to screw Kate over. I know that‘s hard for her to understand since everything she‘s ever done in court was to screw Jon. But see, unlike Kate, Jon actually goes to court for the kids. This is about the kids being with their father more, and a mother who is never home. Was not even home a full DAY this week (see the Kate Kalendar, where travel days count as whole days to us, giving Kate the benefit of the doubt). That’s all it’s about, pure and simple. Of course we all know what the custody suit is really about, we’re not stupid, and we’re not falling for this narcissistic mumbo-jumbo confusing the issue and other lame victimish tactics. God I hope the rest of America isn’t falling for this either, I have faith.

Kate wants us to believe that all the contestants have huge advantages. Okay, I’ll give her Evan and Erin. But The Bachelor has an advantage because he loves performing? Haha, oh, Kate. I don’t think anyone loves performing more than you, that’s impossible.

More waa-waa-waa, Tony doesn’t deserve her (actually you don‘t deserve Tony!), I can’t get voted off or I‘ve quit, I don‘t believe in myself---Oh, shut the fuck up and all that jazz.

Here we go, The Tango. It’s a shock to be able to watch this without wanting to tear my hair out one strand at a time. It’s an improvement. Kate’s nailing her footwork although it‘s simple, her expressions are right for a Tango--in other words she doesn‘t look like she‘s passing a kidney stone tonight, and she’s got a few moves up her sleeve, like the way Tony spins her around over his knee for the finale. Of course when the first week you were a Shopping Kart, the second you were a Stepford Wife, and the third you were a Bitch From Hell, how can you go anywhere but up? I predict the judges are going to be pleasantly surprised, and sadly, we’re not going to get a good Bruno-ism this week. Aw.

The folks who post on the blog are hysterical. I hope Kelly doesn’t mind I repeat a few observations from him: He says watching Kate is like waterboarding, Tony looked like a striped bass being off loaded onto the cutting board, and Kelly’s Yorkie can lift his leg better. Haha!

Bruno calls it a “mini breakthrough.” For a moment, he actually believed she was dancing. I agree, for a moment, I wasn’t sick to my stomach. Carrie Ann has respect for her, although calls her out on a lift. Have you seen Kate dance/stomp around? Carrie Ann is truly worried about a lift? Tony argues with Carrie Ann a bit about the lift, and man he got pissed quick. Sometimes I’m a little afraid of Tony the way he can go from happy and carefree to furious in about a second and a half. Tony went through a huge thing with Jane Seymour a couple seasons ago where Crazy Ann was being a total sociopath about a lift they did. All season long no one ever got called out on doing lifts, not once, then they did a teeny baby one that is still debatable today whether her feet ever even came off the floor, and Crazy Ann went nuts on them and sabotaged their whole score. It was probably Jane’s best dance the whole season, Tony clearly really liked her, and he was playing the “don’t you be messin’ with my girl, you bitch” role, which was actually rather sweet. Later, Tony reportedly gave Carrie Ann the rule book for DWTS which supposedly permits whatever they did. I think that’s fair, pointing out that the rules permit it. And Carrie Ann reportedly gave him the finger, which I find childish. Even Len has admitted it after when he made a mistake on a score. Anyway, there is a history here.

I think it’s nice that Len points out it’s easier to have a partner who’s really talented (cough, Derek). Instead, Tony has a tough assignment and he’s got such mad Shopping Kart skills by now he should own a Ralph’s. “Kate is speechless, this is awesome,” Tony quips backstage. If Jon knew all he had to do to get Kate to STFU was Tango with her? I’m guessing he wouldn’t be dolling out 22k in child support right now. Technique: 14/30. Performance: 18/30. 32 out of 60. Scores aren’t too great for all the praise the judges gave them.

There are a number of conspiracy theories going around as to why Kate’s Tango was so much better than her other three dances. I don’t really know, but I think my take right now is it was a combination of things. She got a lot of quiet rehearsal time since she spent most of the week in NY, not with the kids. The Tango is easier--the steps are simple, it’s easy to stay on beat, it plays to some of her, um, strengths, if you can call it that. And the way the Tango works is Tony does a lot of leading and guiding, Kate is not left to stomp away on her own which is always when it gets really really bad.

Ochocinco. I think he gets better every dance. This is a little disjointed though. Carrie Ann liked his hip action. They are together, it‘s official. Chad gave her a ring/ROCK, and it’s on her engagement finger. Technique: 21/30. Performance: 23/30. 44 out of 60.

Pam Anderson. Just a quick story this week, Pam volunteers in Dylan and Brandon’s classes. Their public school may be “good” (and these days in CA, that‘s not saying much), but they still require donations, parent volunteers, etc., just like every other public school. Most celebs send the nanny to volunteer, it’s part of your job as a nanny. In fact most celebs even put the nanny’s cell phone on class phone lists. I know because I was on one. The school requires either a parent or nanny to volunteer in class at least a few times a month. Pam does it. Pam does it every single time. In jeans, a t-shirt, and no makeup. Just hands on Mommy. If Pam or her people ever by chance happen to stumble upon this, I want her to know what a gift of love and security she is giving Brandon and Dylan. Something I fear the Gosselin Eight may never truly experience. Is she a perfect Mommy? No, no one is. But she’s a THERE Mommy. And frankly, 90% of motherhood is just being a presence in your children’s day-to-day lives, I firmly believe this. Leave your children enough, and they learn not to depend on you, to be able to get along without you. And let me tell you speaking as a nanny, it’s really heartbreaking to see an eight-year-old who has already learned how to get by without his mother.

Pam is single right now, frankly those moments are few and far between. I think one of her biggest flaws is her dependence on men. She’s dated everyone and your mother. I am going to cry, this is beautiful. She looks like an angel. “I Can’t Make You Love Me” just seems so appropriate for Pam. She’s had all these failures in the men department, several failed marriages, miscarriages, Tommy Lee gave her Hepatitis C, and here we are now and she’s got two middle school aged boys and she‘s alone. You can tell she really, really wants to have Prince Charming in her life for her and the boys, but it‘s almost like she‘s not sure she really deserves it. She deserves it, I hope she knows that. The judges love it, just a few nitpicks with her arms. Technique: 23/30. Performance: 24/30. 47 out of 60, good job Pam!

By the way don’t forget to watch Tom on Castle!

Results show: Aiden gets voted off. At least his scores really weren’t that much better than Kart’s. This could start to get really violent if she stays longer than say a Pussycat Doll or Erin or Evan. Just in case there is any confusion, just because they always wait until the very last second to tell us Kate is safe, doesn’t mean she’s not getting the most votes. We have no idea how close she is to the bottom because they don’t tell us that. For all we know she could be winning every round of this, which is frightening. But I also think by manipulating it so she’s almost last every time, it makes fans nervous and gets them to vote more, which I find inherently unfair. You need to rotate the people who finish almost last week to week, it is not fair to use Kate every … single …. time.

Next week, the gimmicks continue. They’re supposed to do a song from a movie. I like this since as much as I watch too much bad TV, I’m almost a bigger movie buff. I’m trying to decide what would be my wet dream movie for Kate: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Psycho? Wait, wait …. Mommy Dearest, of course! No …. wire …. hangers!