DWTS Finale Recap--the Paso Doble Redux

It’s been a blessed five weeks since Kate was last seen stomping around Dancing With the Stars, and unexpectedly, I’ve kinda gotten into this show and have been rooting for Pam and then Erin, even though there’s no way she will ever win. Predictably, the other final two are Evan and the Pussycat. Evan’s ice skating skills are so similar to dancing it’s like asking Meryl Streep to learn an accent she‘s never done before--it may take her a few days but I’m betting she’s going to get it down, and probably eventually win an Oscar, too. And Pussycat straight up is a dancer for a living, even with a college degree in dancing. Not fair, not interesting, defeats the purpose, this has all been discussed before. It is not just watching a celeb dance well that makes this show interesting. It is watching a celeb who doesn’t know how to dance learn to dance well--your Erin’s, Neicy’s, and Chad’s. Pussycat seems pretty nice though and it‘s not her fault they asked someone like her to be on the show. Although maybe she might have said, are you sure you want someone like me? Who knows, maybe she did.

Live from Hollywood, this is the finale! A bunch of girls saunter out hiding behind giant feather fans. Oh, it’s some professional dancers who’ve been voted off. Next there’s Buzz, Brenda, Aiden, Kate, Niecy, Pam (who looks hot!), and turns out this is a group dance, sorta. They put the two people who have no business dancing, Kate and Buzz, off to the side on the left stairs, and they sort of bounce in place there while everybody else gets to do some sexy moves and lifts with the feather things. “I’m so excited!” is the song playing. No child of the 80’s can hear that song without thinking of Jessie’s freak-out in that excellent classic half-hour very special Saved By the Bell: Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills studying for the SATs. “I’m so excited, I’m so excited … I’m ..so….scared!”

Did Kate even rehearse this? If she did she wasn’t paying attention. She finally clomps out with Tony for a couple seconds and they are at least three steps apart from each other, it’s that bad. He dances a bit, she just walks. She can’t even lift up her red feather thing at the same time. Tony is skipping around and smiling like a goon so glad this is the last time ever he has to do this with her. He basically made a total fool out of her on Jimmy Kimmel the other night. I wonder if she knew he was going to do that. It’s weird Kate and Tony are the only dancers who are not in the final “group pose” at the end. I realize they were busy with their feather things but they couldn’t work them in somehow?

Tom and Brooke explain all the boring rules for tonight--they are neither interesting nor difficult to understand so I won‘t rehash them, I trust you can follow along. Tom is really good handling a microphone, it’s cool how he lets it fall to the side when he isn’t talking, then snaps it back up when it’s time to go again. Brooke, not so good. She is always handing the microphone over three seconds too late. There is a bad joke in here somewhere but I won’t make it.

First up I guess they can pick their favorite dance and the judges will rank the three couples first, second and third. They all end up picking the Argentine Tango. They’re right, that one is really cool.

Pussycat and Benjamin Button: It is my favorite of theirs, too--firm and complicated but graceful. The song is also awesome. At first I thought it was an instrumental version of Everything is Everything by Lauryn Hill, a song I‘ve loved for years. But it’s actually El Capitalismo Foráneo by Gotan Project, a French band, only the DWTS band’s version is better, which doesn‘t happen that often.

Evan and Ana: Good grief, Evan even watches his old dances on video like a college football coach holed away in the archives studying film. Hey, this is how you get to the finals, what can I tell Kate? Six hours a day is not gonna cut it. No exaggeration, most people who do well on this show are well known to rehearse twelve, fourteen, sixteen hours a day every day until their feet are developing gangrene. Almost anyone who makes it in anything in show business works that hard. Their tango is fabulous of course, as is what happens when you put your all into rehearsing something.

Erin and Maks: Last time, that dance they did with the bed was just weird and everyone wants to forget it--except the producers never let you forget things you want to on reality shows. They fight a bit as couples doing it, often do. They’re good, not quite as complicated as the other two. Erin does an amazing jump right onto Maks’ shoulder, it looks scary, good for her. I remember when she couldn’t do even a little jump into his arms. Len and Bruno say Erin is most improved, which I completely agree with. She is the only one left who is still consistent with what this show should be about. And she and Maks have the best chemistry of all of them, although their competition is some cherubic little kid and his mother, and Evan and Ana, who are as flat as Canadian sausage.

The judges give them third place. Guess how it goes for the others? Yep, Evan second place and Pussycat first. I wonder who will win this. Yawn.

They do a little montage of everyone who stunk and got voted off during the first half or so (well, everyone stunk with the exception of Brenda who did not stink and did not deserve to be voted off first….B.S.!). The clip they show is of course Kate dancing/stomping to Papa-paparazzi and then shooting daggers at Carrie Ann after she told her it was hard to watch. (What? It was!) Let’s revisit the hypocrisy that is Kate Gosselin one more time. Kate is complaining about a few INF photographers taking some snapshots at her fence from 100 feet away with a telephoto lens. She’s never home anyway. And I’ve never even seen a paparazzi photo of her from L.A., so no one is bothering her out there. The Paps in New York get invited into her own limo. So it’s hard to believe she really feels all that harassed by the paps. Yet she has cameras in her home, in the bedrooms, bathrooms, capturing every intimate detail of her children‘s lives and even now while they are still recovering from a very painful divorce and by her own admission are throwing tantrums and crying …. Her children’s unhappiness is not enough to stop her, she still has cameras in her home! While these kids are going through the breakup of everything they have ever known, shame on her.

Come off it Kate, we choose to believe your direct quote in your own book which revealed even more of your poor children‘s secrets: “I truly love the media.” We know you do, thanks for finally admitting it. It’s a shame she has to involve her children in her love for all things fame and fortune, children who are far too young to make an informed decision about whether it’s in their best interest to have their private lives, especially during a divorce, exposed to this extent. Children probably still quite clueless how much they have in fact been exposed--they are not even capable of remembering the time when filming began, they were babies. And parents of course have a conflict of interest. Which is what child labor laws are for! After all, if we could trust parents (or even networks, for that matter), we wouldn’t need any laws to protect children. Keep it up, Murt.

Brenda is out first and she's great of course. It is so annoying she was voted out first, she could have done a lot more with this. Aiden spins around a bit, too boring to recap. Buzz beams down from the sky in a blinding green ray of light. I hope they are not making fun of a national hero. It is a fine line here. He looks like he’s wearing sparkly pj’s. He and Ashley waltz around for quite awhile and at the end she falls to the floor, which I don’t get. “Could he be any more adorable?” Brooke blurts. I think he is cute too, but Brooke is probably one of those shallow people who not only thinks he’s cute, but also thinks that’s the only thing he really has to offer at his age. Stop patronizing a guy who passed up MIT for West Point. Tom chuckles awkwardly. I think he gets it. I mean, that Brooke is a dummy that is.

You know what’s funny? During the commercial break there’s an ad for Shrek. We‘ll get to that later.

We’re back. And now it’s time for another montage. I don’t get what this is about, it’s just sort of a little bit of everyone wiggling around. Eventually Tom says it’s time for two reality shows to collide….Hmm, what crossover would I most like to see. Twisted Kate and the Deadliest Catch maybe? I would dress Kate in a rain suit and put her in charge of baiting the pots. Her shrieking would be blessedly drowned out by the crashing 30 foot waves. But instead we just get a lame dance with The Bachelor and Chelsea. And his fiancee is dancing with a pro, too? That‘s random. A hundred bucks they’ve tapped her to dance next season.

Top Five arguments of the season, oh, good. Tony tearing off his microphone and storming out on Kate when she accuses him of not teaching her right will be number one or I‘ll eat my hat. Number five through four are pretty much some mild disagreements and discussions among some of the other contestants and their pros. Maks is adorable when he stomps up and down--that wasn‘t a fight, that was two people hot for each other who probably sealed the deal that night. Number one is of course Kate whine, whine, whining to Tony during the second week. She’s not paying attention to his teaching, she’s “stressed” (everyone is stressed, you‘re not special), she’s telling him how to teach her how to dance, and then gives him a backhanded apology that goes something like “you’re not hearing what I’m saying.” I’m glad they are careful to show that it was Kate who walked out first, saying “I’m done,” and clumping away with shoulders slumped impossibly low. Her own kids are more mature. It was only after that Tony finally rips off his microphone and jogs out, muttering “I tried everything. I quit.” When you walk out first saying things like “I’m done,” you have no business being upset at the other person for subsequently walking out. Congrats, Kate, you’re number one in something on this show.

Some former winners weigh in. Apollo Ono is adorable. At the Olympics, watching his dad keep notes of his scores on his little notepad was just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. The Winter Olympics could happen every single year and I’d be perfectly happy. I have no idea who Kelly Monaco even is.

Predictably, Erin is voted out third. And the last celeb who is anything close to an amateur is gone. Their final dance the cha-cha-cha is beautiful. I like how Erin does not let bad things rule her life and just gets on with it and doesn’t have to constantly remind us every single day about how horrible her life has been this year and exploit her tragedies. A divorce is very, very sad, yes it is. But death threats are just horrifying. There is nothing creepier than a stranger trying to insert themselves into your private life. She is someone to truly admire. She hugs …. No, holds, Max for like five minutes. I don’t think this is the last we’ll see of them.

I forgot about the college dancing clubs. I think it’s really cool to encourage less mainstream activities. Everybody else in college either joins a fraternity or plays a sport, how predictable. Purdue goes first. I am rooting for them based on the fact that I have heard of this college before. Then Utah Valley University goes. The judges pick Utah Valley for the win and they get a baby mirror ball trophy, aw. Tom instructs them to water it, and I laugh. I love dumb jokes. Usually I am the only one laughing at jokes like that, but I don‘t care.

Other B-list and D-list celebs give their useless opinions as to who should win. I wonder if when George Stephenopolis was working for Bill Clinton he thought that ten years later he’d be giving his esteemed commentary on the Pussycat doll and her merits as a reality show ballroom dancer.

Kate is in her Papa-paparazzi costume and she and Tony stand there with Tom and Brooke while they blabber on. Brooke finally asks Kate what she’s up to. Notice how Kate says she has been working on Kate Plus 8. But her kids aren’t working, mind you--just her. They show a clip from Kate Plus 8. The children are huge, talkative, and just beautiful. They look nothing like that bizarre People magazine cover shoot they just did. Kate is packing for the Florida trip for their birthday--the working vacation she pulled them out of school for even though school was about to be over with anyway--but since it premieres June 6 I see why they couldn‘t wait around for children to finish the school year and other nonsense like that. Wait a minute …. are the kids sitting in highchairs? They are indeed! So that’s why they look so huge. I’m going to save my breath on this one, it’s not worth my blood pressure. Except to say, they are six years old. Six.

Kate eventually ditched the kids in Florida and came out to L.A. to rehearse a redo of the Pasa Doble with Tony. I have to give her credit for tackling this dance again since the first one was about as humiliating as that reoccurring dream most of us have all had of showing up naked to school or work. Only in Kate‘s dream, she shows up in a dominatrix costume on the set of DWTS tearing up fake tabloids.

Kate is pretty relaxed and happy rehearsing with Tony, which is refreshing. This is what Tony was trying to get her to do for so long. When you relax, you often do better. I think having the pressure off indeed actually helps her a lot. She even wants Tony to make it harder--good for her. Tony wisely points out that it’s one thing saying you want something, but it’s quite another to actually do it. Oh, how true that is for Kate. She has been quite a bit of talk about a lot of things, but not a lot of walk. For instance, she told us she would win DWTS. Except, she didn’t want to put in even a third of the effort somebody like Evan put in to make that happen. I quickly grow tired of people in my life who are all talk and no walk.

“I would probably guess that 90% of my audience doesn’t like me,” Kate says matter-of-factly. Yes, I’d say that’s a fair assessment. Kate says she is controversial, but she adds about two extra syllables to the word. Kate then claims she doesn’t know why this is. She is either lying, or has the self-awareness of a slug. If she’s trying to get us to feel sorry for her, it’s not working. I might feel sorry for her if it were the other way around--10% don’t like her. I would say those 10% are jealous, or insecure, or need to worry about their own lives. But when 90% of your audience doesn’t like you, do you think maybe, just maybe, there might be something about you yourself worth taking a second look at? Just a thought.

Look at, this is a lot better than the first Papa-Paparazzi, though Kate still looks like she’s got a metal rod in her back and is afraid of setting off airport security. Everything is going mildly okay until something very, very strange happens. In the middle of the dance, Kate runs over to a camera crane, climbs aboard, and the crane starts lifting her up, up, up into the air while she sings to the music and spreads her arms wide like the Y in YMCA. It doesn’t look planned, it looks like Kate had some kind of last minute inspiration that she should rise up to the heavens. Tony is left just standing in the middle of the dance floor like a dolt while she just keeps getting higher and higher.

Something is odd about the camera, it has like a slight fish lens look to it. The result is that, as a dear Canadian reader pointed out, Kate bears a striking resemblance to Donkey from Shrek.



This is not exactly Kate’s fault, but seriously, whose idea was this? She and Tony were looking half-way decent out there and then they cop out by raising her up on the crane like she’s going to be putting the star atop the national Christmas tree? It makes absolutely zero sense and is almost as embarrassing as her first go at this dance. If this is what a mother has to resort to in order to feed her kids, I think my kids might have to go hungry.

The first time I watched this I nearly wet myself. The second time, for the recap, I’m just kind of sitting here in stunned silence. I want a Brunoism, but sadly this isn’t going to be critiqued by the judges.

The audience goes wild, though a lot of them are laughing too. And guess who else is laughing? Tom and Brooke. In fact they can’t stop laughing. Tom and Brooke are trying desperately to transition into the next part where the final two are going to go, but they are busting out laughing through the whole thing. Tom literally has to bend his head and take a deep breath to keep it together. Ha! It was funny but was it that funny? Maybe, I guess! It’s mean to laugh at someone making a total fool of themselves, but humans are evil and always do anyway.

Brooke is back in the dressing rooms doing some boring interviews. She is asking useless stuff like, What’s it gonna take to win, guys?! I must point out, it’s okay to film adults in their dressing rooms, but not kids! Hehe.

Another montage of what I thought they said was supposed to be about Niecy and Pam. I really do not get these montages. They start out saying they are about certain people, but then they always stick in other people like Erin and the Pussycat. None of them have really had a discernible theme at all.

Pam is lowered from this brightly-lit circle thing and completely playing up her cliché sexy side. Woo-hoo, she is dancing with Tony! Why couldn’t they be partners? That would have been great. This may be Pam’s persona, but hands down her best dance was the sweet and actually in a way kind of heartbreaking I Can’t Make You Love Me--the dance that made me cry. She got the encore that week, it was that good. Here comes Neicy jiggling around. I was tired of her by week three.

I don’t have too many more good stories about Pam left, other than to sum it all up. My first-hand observations of her is that she is there for Dylan and Brandon and ain‘t afraid to get her fingernails dirty being there. She does not leave the care of them to nannies, she gets along with their father, doesn’t trash him in the press, and Dylan and Brandon don’t know how lucky they are as children of a celebrity to have a mommy like her. Most of their peers in the same boat are being raised by 22-year-olds because their mommies care more about the career and the fans, and the children were born for magazine covers and good press and because when you‘re a female celeb you‘re supposed to marry and have a few kids, not because they were truly interested in being a parent. Pam said in an interview about DWTS that Dylan and Brandon will decide if they want to be famous, but when they are adults. She obviously is on a different page than the parents of the Gosselin 8. The right page, if I may say so. Carry on, Pam.

Wow, could there be any more dry ice? Evan and the Pussycat walk out of a giant sparkly ball, ha, you don‘t need to water that one! Evan looks like he’s afraid he might trip because he can’t see the floor. Finally for the finale, Nicole dances the jive. Of course it’s incredible. Scores of 10-10-10. Evan does the Quickstep, which has always really worked with his lanky frame. He should have been born at the turn of the century. This seems a little short. Scores of 10-9-9. Aw.
Drumroll please, and the winner is …. Pussycat doll! What a shocker. I knew she would win from week one. So did everyone.

I did some predictions for this show on the blog before it all started. For fun let’s see how close I was! I said I didn’t think Chad would make it half-way: Wrong, he was a pleasant surprise! I didn’t think Aiden would make it half-way: Correct, he stunk. I actually thought Brenda would make it to the top three: Waaay wrong she was voted off first, boo! I said Niecy probably wouldn’t make it to the half-way, but she could be a wild card: Sort of correct, she ended up being a wild card I think. Erin Andrews I said top half: Correct. Pussycat would be top three: correct. Jake gone in the first half: correct. I said Buzz wouldn’t make it half-way: Correct. I said Pam Anderson would make it to the half-way mark: correct! I said Evan would be final three: Correct! Not bad. As for Kate, I thought she’d make it all the way to fifth place, knowing how driven she is. Boy was I wrong.

It’s been a long season, hard to watch at times, hysterical at other times. And some recaps have been harder than others! Thanks for sticking with me and see you for Kate Plus 8!