6th Birthday surprise recap: Kids celebrate their 6th bday by themselves like they're TB patients in a sanitorium

Coming up on Kate Plus 8: Meltdowns, more meltdowns, 5-star vacations during the middle of a school week, and lots of vomit. Sounds like the last 130 episodes of this show!

Credits roll. At least they didn’t make the kids run around somebody’s yard with a parachute for hours and hours in the hot sun to get the shot. That was back when they could film as much as they wanted to. Those darn child labor laws they’re actually being sort of forced to comply with are really problematic, aren’t they? The credits this time are a bunch of still shots of the kids, with each of them shouting their names--it’s actually pretty cute. These kids are really quite sweet, I always thought they were. It makes me so sad though we even know who they are.

Kate missed the crew. Kate remembers the moment she told the kids they weren’t going to film anymore. The kids were shocked, confused, had an outburst. This is all to try to convince us that the children really just love the filming and need the filming and how cruel of Jon to take it away! But to me it just makes Kate look even worse than she already does. She was filming her children so much they got attached to a camera crew? There is absolutely no reason children at their age should be forming meaningful attachments with a crew. Try family members and friends their own age, for starters.

When your children are shocked, confused and having outbursts over a camera crew not being in their lives anymore, maybe it’s time to reassess your priorities. Also I’m just wondering, were they shocked and confused when they didn’t see Aunt Jodi anymore, or their grandparents, or how about was it shocking and confusing to have Kate take off for L.A. for days and weeks leaving them with 22-year-old nannies? Was the divorce shocking to them? I also need to point out that Jon’s story is slightly different. He in fact said the children are “UNANIMOUS” that they don’t want to film anymore, and would rather be swimming in the pool not going on trips. “We filmed 152 episodes. What more can you possibly still film?“ Jon said. So believe who you like, but they can't both be telling the truth.

Kate also never acknowledges the fact that these children may very well do their best to love this because they know that makes Mommy happy. Kids will say and do anything at this age to make Mommy happy--that is normal. I did it, we all did it. Kids aim to please. I wish Kate would have a conversation with them about how they can be honest with her, that even though Mommy loves this it doesn’t mean you have to too and I won’t be mad if you want to tell me you don’t like it anymore. Instead of just assuming they‘ll come to her when they don‘t want to film anymore. Maybe she has. Just a suggestion. And what’s been said a thousand times, kids this age are too young to make the call. That’s what adults are for. I’m also going to say one more time, Kate has a giant, glaring conflict of interest in filming her kids. And thy name is money. She has no credibility, sorry, she doesn't.

Count the times Kate directly or indirectly throws Jon under the bus: That’s one!

The crew shows up at the house for the first time since that mean awful Daddy told them to go away, and we know by the paparazzi photos they bribed the kids with presents, but of course they don‘t show us that part of it. The kids are excited to see them--I don‘t find this comforting, I find it weird. Like a kid who is excited to see the gardener or something--I‘m not degrading that profession, I‘m just saying you’re supposed to come to the house and do your job and you don‘t form attachments with children who aren‘t even yours because that’s creepy. It does not escape my attention that Mady however is not excited at all. She stands off to the side, hugging a baby doll and bending her head solemnly.

“Everything is back to normal,” Aaden says. And this is totally spun to make it look like he’s talking about the camera crew. Number one, you’re saying a kid thinks a camera crew is normal? This whole thing is so incredibly creepy I can’t take it. I honestly did not expect to be this creeped out. But number two if you listen to the conversation before, Aaden was talking about how he now has his “elephant pillow” and couches down in the basement and I think he was talking about how the dance floor was removed from the house after Kate got voted off DWTS, and now that is why everything is back to normal. Sure enough just seconds later Collin explains the dance floor is gone and things are normal now. These kids are NOT talking about the camera crew at all, they were talking about DWTS screwing up their basement and play area. TLC is bending over backwards though to convince us the kids love this, just love it! It’s their normal! Yeah their creepy normal. TLC--defensive much?

Did all these men have their background checks? Fingerprints? Livescans? The kids are jumping all over them and now are alone with them in the basement.

“It’s good that the paparazzi went away,” Collin says distinctly. Poor baby. He has to cover his poor little face every time he goes out. Think he was just playing peek-a-boo now? He just told us he doesn’t like the paparazzi--we were right and Kate’s defenders were wrong, again. Sadly Collin doesn’t realize that filming yet another season of this exploitation ain’t helping the paparazzi go away anytime soon.

Yawn, they’re out in the yard playing with the motorized cars. We saw paparazzi photos of that too, which I quickly am realizing are sort of like little spoilers for these episodes! It’s boring enough watching somebody else’s kid play with an electric car, but really boring when you already saw a bunch of still photos of it. Kate did not get each child their own electric car not because that would really be spoiling them and would be greedy and they already have a ton of toys and electric cars are really expensive, but because they didn’t all fit in the garage--she did the measurements. Really, this is what she says.

Kate “offered” to give the kids to Jon on their birthday. She says it like she also offered to loan him a hundred grand or something. My goodness how generous of her! I think she sometimes forgets they’re his kids, too, and he‘s entitled to see them. Still if Jon has a problem with Kate totally running the program, he can go to family law court and fix it, so I don‘t have a lot of sympathy for him. It’s as obvious as the nose on Kate’s face TLC is simply sending Jon regular checks to shut up and go along. He has no shame.

Kate says she didn’t like sending the kids off to Jon’s on their birthday, and they had cupcakes and gum. Eww, two things these kids do not have a good history with! Fair enough, sending them to Daddy on such a special day is hard. I get that they don’t get along well enough to have a party together yet--that‘s also fair. Who wants a birthday where Mom and Dad are fighting the whole time? I hope someday they can be amicable. I don’t have anything more to say about this except that this is what happens when you get divorced--a lot of sadness.

The six-year-olds are in highchairs.

The Florida trip is a surprise. Alexis guesses they are going to the North Pole. Hey, that’s not a bad guess as that’s about the only place they haven’t been yet on this show! Jon awhile back suggested a trip to the moon. I liked Jon better when he was pissed about this stuff.

Jamie has been Kate’s best friend forever. She has? I thought Beth was her best friend. Then Carla. Where’s she? I see a pattern here. Jamie‘s left her own young kids behind to be sort of a nanny on this trip. The whole thing is odd. Let me guess, Jamie just loves them. That phrase is the kiss of death for any family or friends on this show. Is Jamie getting paid or just doing this out of the goodness of her heart? Why is it okay to pay Jamie, but not Aunt Jodi who also went on trips with them?

Kate should know that rich people don’t actually do their own packing. That’s what nannies and assistants are for. She wants so badly to be rich, I’m just trying to help.

Kate did not tell the kids where they were going because the media could be alerted “by certain ones.” Throwin’ Jon under the bus number two! So basically, she didn‘t tell Jon she was taking his children out of the state? No tears for Jon though, go ask a judge to make an order she is not to do that without his consent, this kind of order is made all…the….time. It's as standard now as power windows.

It’s completely disturbing that at the airport when Kate is walking with the twins to get something to eat, total strangers are shouting her name at her. You do not do that period when someone is with their kids, I’m sorry. The twins look sort of dazed by this, like they‘ve been through all this before. At least this time when the sextuplets approach a complete stranger and start talking to him and touching him and basically becoming his best friend, he’s wearing a police uniform.

On the plane Mady is ticked because she wants the middle seat and Kate is making her take an aisle seat. Why is this so important to Kate? Both seats were empty. Why can’t Mady sit where she wants? She didn’t ask to go on this trip. She didn't ask to be pulled out of school. Mady is, 90% of the time, completely justified in the things she is protesting about. She’s got this odd reputation as the brat when really she is just standing up for herself. All the other kids are doormats, which they probably can‘t really help at this age.

Penguins were there to meet them off the plane. Yeah I’m sure that penguin prefers to be on a hot tarmac in Orlando waddling around a bunch of loud obnoxious humans rather than gliding off a glacier in South America. I’m just gonna tell you I am a total extremist when it comes to zoos--I don’t believe wild animals should be held in captivity for any reason whatsoever, even if it’s a sanctuary and supposed to be educational. I have not been to a zoo or a circus period since I was in middle school. I may make an exception for an injured animal who can’t survive in the wild. Go watch a documentary on Antarctica if you want to see penguins.

The next morning, Alexis is crying and throwing up. Unbelievable, Kate actually shows us the Ziploc bag containing her watery pink vomit. What, is Ziploc a sponsor? New Ziploc smartseal, now you can hear and feel the bag closing from edge to edge so you know your vomit is protected. Presumably Kate decides Alexis can’t go along to Discovery Cove today. Vomit, double ear infections and constipation never stopped her from filming her kids before, why stop now? Oh, right, because there’s some people who actually make laws now who are watching. I bet you anything there was a production meeting where it was decided they would never be able to do damage control for dragging a vomiting child along on a trip--they had no choice but to leave her behind. An insider reported that Aaden was seen vomiting at Discovery Cove too. Since illnesses quickly get around to all the kids, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Mady can’t even breathe in her wet suit, she hates it. I put one of those on once for snorkeling in the Red Sea and hated it too. It feels like once you get it on you’ll never be able to manage to peal it off. Claustrophobic. But Kate forces her to put it on. Doesn’t Kate know the easiest way to get on a wet suit it to actually get it wet?

They swim with stingrays. Fun enough. Kate says she has low blood sugar which is just an insult to diabetics. Someone in my immediate family is Type 1 diabetic, yeah, since she was a teenager, and low blood sugar means she starts talking like a drunken sailor and if you don’t do something quick, passes out. I was there once a couple years ago when she almost died and she had to go by ambulance to the ER. Yeah, it is not a joke thanks. Burgers for lunch for everyone, Kate refuses to give the kids a choice as to what they want to eat.

After lunch, Kate doesn’t appreciate the exotic birds but the kids love it. Look at, as long as your bikini fits you right and covers all your girl parts, I don’t have a problem. I know others disagree. After birds they swim with the dolphins. I feel so strongly about this, it is horrible to keep dolphins in captivity, any kind of captivity, period. It is even worse in other countries like Japan. You should rent The Cove, a disturbing documentary about the world‘s largest supplier of dolphins. People who can’t think in terms of shades of gray assume that just because dolphins have a permanent smile on their face they’re happy with their captivity. Much like how a declining number of people believe that just because the Gosselin kids have a smile on their face at times, they too are happy with their captivity. But I suppose the dolphins don’t know any better, a lot of them have always been there. The parallels to these kids are astounding.

The next day, Kate quickly takes Alexis, who I guess is feeling better although no one confirms this, to the stingray pool and to swim with dolphins. She absolutely loved it. But I think she loved having her mom to herself more. Actually, it wasn’t all to herself. She had to share her with a camera crew and 3.3 million other viewers. Why do moments like these have to be filmed again?

Oh, this is rich! “I was determined as I always am to give the kids as paparazzi free a life as possible,” Kate says as the bus pulls up to ride an airboat to their birthday party. Oh, so that’s why you signed up for DWTS, Kate Plus 8, and Twisted Kate, I see now! To make the paparazzi go away! I can’t help it I’m just angry now. Collin just said how much he can’t stand the paps. How can you make your 6-year-old baby continue to endure this? I’ve said this before, Kate seriously acts like just one day she was going out to fetch the morning paper and a bunch of paparazzi showed up at the doorstep snapping photos and never left. Not that she actively pursued fame knowing full well almost all famous people have to deal with paps at some point.

An insider who says she is the niece of the guy who runs the boats posted on Kate’s blog that they road this boat around basically all day long getting the right shots. And that, of course, Kate was rude. Everyone has speculated the production crew ran to Florida to try to escape filming laws in PA. Except, oops, Florida has their own laws too, such as having an on-set liaison to work with the Labor Department at all times. Who was that person pray tell? I don’t see anyone else in the boat but Jamie and Steve.

They stumble upon an alligator and Kate freaks and runs away. The alligator “won’t come out because she has babies,” the airboat guy explains reassuringly. Ha, even an alligator knows not to exploit her children. The alligator hisses at them menacingly. Well, no wonder, they’re basically ambushing her and her babies with a giant boat so loud everyone needs to wear earphones. Humans are so freaking dumb to poor animals, it's ridiculous.

They arrive at an empty pavilion for their sad birthday party with the bodyguard and Kate’s new best friend. No Daddy, no friends, no family. Here comes Mady to tell it like it is. First of all, their birthday was a week ago, she exclaims. Right on! Then Mady points out that she and Cara only had one birthday celebration. Correct again.

Jamie then tries to offer Mady water. Her tone is really sweet and helpful, which is a nice change from her own mother denying her water last time she was thirsty. Then Mady says tearfully…brace for this, this is really disturbing…. “I don’t want water because nobody cares about me, I want to die.”

Wow, just wow. Why in the world would any parent in their right mind ever, ever allow a statement like that to be aired on T.V.? I am beyond shocked and appalled. I am outright disturbed. I don’t care if Mady was just being dramatic, this is not a healthy statement for any ten-year-old to make period, and should be addressed in therapy and not on T.V., end of story. It is so incredibly sad that Mady basically has to threaten suicide to get anyone to give her the attention she deserves.

You’re right, Mady. Three birthday parties is bullshit. A birthday party staged just for the cameras a full week after the actual birthday that your mother even pulled you out of school for is even bigger bullshit. Fight on. So far, I have not seen Mady complain about one single thing that she wasn’t completely justified in making a stink about this entire trip. This girl does not screw around complaining that her lemonade ain’t cold enough, she is complaining about legit injustices here.

Kate pulls Mady aside and gives Mady some bizarre explanation about how the babies were still in the NICU a week after they were born and that’s why they’re celebrating a week later. Huh? WTF? “We were early too and you only celebrated one day,” Mady retorts. Ha, this child is wonderful. And so smart.

Kate, just admit it’s for the cameras. Mady would respect you a lot more. Kate tries to explain that because of the divorce and because they’re multiples they had a party with Mommy, then Daddy, and now this one. That explains the first two parties, but does nothing to explain the third one. Still no adequate explanation for yet another party and this discussion has gone on for like five minutes now. Mady is 100% right, this is borderline spoiling these poor kids now with all the parties, and not even remotely fair to her and Cara.

Admit it’s for the show, admit it! Mady is still grappling to understand why this is happening. Mady, there is no explanation for this other than the cameras. But I admire you for trying to make sense of your crazy mother.

Orange juice squeezing contest. I’ve never watched a birthday party without any guests whatsoever. It’s weird. Like it’s 1920 and the kids are in a sanatorium isolated with TB or something.

Oh my goodness, my blood pressure. Please somebody rescue these twins. During the squeezing, Kate snorts, “Cheaters never win and winners never cheat!” Then Cara sort of echoes to Mady, basically, you’re cheating so you’re a loser. Isn’t that just another way of saying what Kate just said??? Kate explodes on her, sends her away from the table, telling her she‘s “done.” W….T….F? Kate started talking about cheaters first. But because Cara said someone was cheating, now she’s done? Cara holds her hands out dumbfounded and says “I didn’t!” Even Mady comes to Cara’s defense, throwing something aside and stomping off with her to time out. Aw. The funniest part is Kate is shouting at Mady that she’s fine she can stay at the table, but Mady stomps off anyway ignoring her. It’s sort of satisfying to see the kids band together against crap like this that constantly spews out of their mother. That’s really the only thing they can do when this happens, stick together.

Piñatas. How 80s! Love it. Mady and Cara get their own piñata. In a very quick edit, they beat out a little candy and then beat it some more until realizing they've already emptied it all out. Kate cackles like a Disney villain at all the candy being gone. She is mean to her twins, period.

The little kids are spending an awful lot of time on the couch narrating this episode. Toward the end Hannah is starting to look really tired of this, leaning back on the couch, scowling and crossing her arms. But this isn’t work mind you. This is fun for them. It’s work for Kate but not them. This is according to Kate. They were not even paid for all this garbage until a government agency made TLC pay them--astonishing.

The kids are still smacking each other? Way too old. And I like how those kids don't go to time out, but Cara does, for just echoing what Kate just said. There are two people singing happy birthday to the kids. Kate and Jamie. This just keeps getting sadder.

As we finally wrap up, Kate laments that having six kids who are six years old just means that she’s old. And that six is just a big baby. Okay, crazy. I love how this is all about Kate and getting old, and not about what a wonderful thing it is the children are another year older. I personally think six is one of the best ages a child can possibly be. They are old enough to actually do cool stuff, you can have a conversation with them that isn‘t just about cookies and Dora the Explorer, but they still say really adorable things. Six all the way, baby. I mean big kids!

Well, Kate hasn’t changed much in nine months, sadly. And this show is missing a big other half--Jon. The whole beauty of why Jon and Kate Plus 8 worked was because of the dynamic those two had. People were fascinated to watch that couple, admit it or not. I don’t know how much longer this format of just Kate will last, who knows maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. But anytime I’ve seen a show retooled without a major character, it’s tanked. Every single time. Wow, I just called Jon a character. Now I'm creepy too.