Recap: Pirates, Kites, and Turtles 9/6/10

Coming up on Kate Plus 8. Who in their right mind would give Kate Gosselin a bullhorn? And the kids are being dragged on another filmed vacation.

Part one is Pirates!

Kate claims that all summer long the kids wanted to go to the beach. Really smooth, make it seem like this was all the kids’ idea. And when they said they wanted to go to the beach, did they mention they wanted the camera crew and Steve to come, too? Just wondering!

In front of the kids Kate is talking all about how she’s been single a year now and it‘s been “good.” In front of the kids. Does she not realize that all kids will hear is, Life is so much better now that that mean awful man-boy who fathered you is out of my life!

On the couch, this is what Kate says, word for word: “It’s the place where I called my divorce attorney. I knew at that point, I was told that was the next step, I had to do it. So I spent my afternoon at the beach last year researching divorce attorneys.”

When she says “I was told,” what does that mean? TLC told her it was now time to divorce Jon? Steve told her? Shouldn’t you ultimately make this decision for yourself? She makes it sound like she had nothing to do with divorcing Jon even though she is the one who filed first, like she’s a freaking robot. Maybe she is. Once again, Kate deflects all responsibility off her and blames it on vague outside forces. Darth Vadar made her divorce Jon, or possibly Elmo. Kate’s mouth runs so much she can’t help letting the cat out of the bag, or at least a heck of a lot of big clues. She makes it sound like the whole divorce was very calculated, and orchestrated by her and TLC at just the right moment. I have a funny feeling it was.

The kids and Kate are taking a boat ride to Bald Head island. Here comes Mady to make our day, as usual. Mady had a little toy in her hand and Cara took it from her. Cara doesn’t seem angry or upset, but when she took it, it looks like she grabbed it harder than she intended and it dropped to the deck.

Kate immediately snaps at Cara to stop being so “grabby.”

Mady, bless her heart, immediately jumps to her sister’s defense. “No, she did it on accident!” she cries.

Band together against, Kate, kids! The numbers are in your favor! Mady has always been good at math.

As they begin to dock, they spot a replica pirate ship. Cool, maybe they’ll make Kate walk the plank. “I wanna find me a cute pirate!” Kate says as they get off the boat and walk over to the pirate ship.

“Good luck with that,” Mady deadpans. Ha. Sing it, Mady.

I hope Kate knows Johnny Depp just plays a pirate on TV. Pirates of the Caribbean is not a reality show. He goes home at night and lives a private life. Last I heard he lives in France because he doesn’t like paps, press, and attention, and also doesn‘t agree with American politics. You mean he questions current laws because what’s on the books might not be right? The celebrity lifestyle got good friends of Johnny Depp’s killed, like River Phoenix, who died outside Johnny‘s nightclub. He doesn’t want a part of it anymore, and was quoted as saying he loves the anonymity of living in France and the simple life. You mean he doesn‘t want attention either? A difficult concept for a fame-wench like Kate.

Joel says he’s tired of walking. But he must walk to the next scene! It quickly becomes apparent this whole thing is a setup as a guy in full pirate costume with some kind of down-under accent greets them as Captain Sinbad. Hm, a relative of Steve? Steve is wandering around in the background by the way pretending not to be there.

Kate says the pirate was trying to explain some of the history of how pirates discovered Bald Head, but she, Kate, cares too much about the sand and sun. Figures. And it’s too bad, because she could at least try to make these endless working vacations somewhat education for the kids. But since it’s always all about Kate and she’s never interested in history, she won’t let the kids be either.

A quick Google search shows Bald Head has a very colorful past, involving the famous pirate Blackbeard, later the Civil War, and still later, host to the first U.S. Coast Guard base. I find that fascinating and I want to know more, but that’s just me.

Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger was a pretty decent movie for the 70’s. The kids get on board and good Lord, I guess we can blame Captain Sinbad for giving Kate a bullhorn. Arrg.

“Captain Mommy on board!” Kate screeches into it. Is that Captain Sinbad setting up the plank in the background? Of course when Collin starts shouting into (He says, “What‘s for dessert?” Which is cute.) Kate pulls the bullhorn away.

“You look like a real sailor!” the pirate says sweetly to Leah as he helps her off the ship.

In case you didn’t get the memo it’s all about Kate. It always has been about Kate and it always will be about Kate. “Do I in heels?” Kate demands.

“No,” the pirate retorts. Ha!

Kate is upset because her beautiful, humongous, expensive beach house she is likely not paying a dime for has no shades. Aw. Horrible. And, ungrateful wench.

I am going to try to say this very delicately. Mady and Cara are really unappreciative about this house. And I don’t blame them at all because from the time they were four years old they have been given the world on a silver platter and I don’t know how they could possibly have any sense of gratitude about anything. I’m surprised these girls are as sweet and kind as they usually are given their rapper lifestyle.

It‘s sort of like if you were to be presented with the double-chocolate banana split special for dinner every day of your life, after several months you are probably going to start to get a little bit testy when the banana is not perfectly ripe or the sauce isn‘t hot enough or someone forgot the nuts. This is how the twins are acting. And their attitude is all Kate’s fault because she was so caught up in giving her kids everything, that she accidentally gave them everything. And now they are, sadly, showing signs they are getting spoiled.

Kate presents the twins with a beautiful, pristine guest house with their own bathroom. They’re going to get tons of privacy. It is going to be awesome. But the twins are not happy at all because they will have to share a queen bed. Kate explains to us that they refuse to sleep with the little kids. I don’t get it. Kate makes no bones about saying she is in charge. So take charge and tell the twins where they are going to sleep. I don’t understand why Mady and Cara are allowed to walk all over their mother now, but not the one-hundred other times she has ordered them what to do. It’s odd. And there is no reason they can’t sleep with the little kids once in awhile. This is a big family, and sometimes you have to sleep with your younger siblings like all other big families. Deal with it.

The kicker is Kate, who was just complaining about the windows not having shades, says she can’t believe the twins are complaining.

Oh, and also, Kate says that Jamie sleeps in the same bed with her when she comes over. Hmm, rrrrreally! I personally find that weird, but I know some people are very close with their girlfriends. This almost sounds to me like an attempt to be so open about how “close” their friendship is that no one could ever accuse Kate of trying to hide anything. That way if they ever were caught sleeping together, Kate can say something like, “Oh she‘s my best girlfriend I have said all along we sleep together we‘re not trying to cover up anything!” I think it’s a very intelligent and calculated statement. And I’ll leave it at that.

Kate says that after everyone chooses a room she gets the castoffs. I find that hard to believe given the way she passes off castoff lollipops on the lesser children like Joel. I think more likely, Kate picks first and everyone else has to deal with the leftovers. Wonder where Steve sleeps. In between Kate and Jamie? At the foot of the bed like a guard dog? Jamie is not even on this trip so why is Kate talking about her? Is she on her mind? Just some questions.

Mady actually has a reasonable explanation for why she doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as Cara. Cara kicks her and yells in her sleep. Mady even says she is willing to sleep with the little girls. All right, fair enough.

Part Two is Kites!

The next day they had set up kayaking, but they have to cancel because it‘s too windy. Oh, no, what will production do?

While production is trying to scramble to come up with something else to film, the kids are cooped up at home. Alexis is jumping up and down on the bed screaming at the top of her lungs. She is six. One of my rules for six year olds was no screaming. Save your screams for a true emergency, such as a broken bone. The twins are putting on plays. I guess production got back to her on what to do because Kate finally suggests they go fly kites. The kids all groan. They love this!

Kate can’t put together the kites but thank goodness Ashley the babysitter is there to do it.

One of my favorite movies ever is Mary Poppins. Only in that movie when they fly the kite, it’s because Jane and Michael’s father finally realized what a neglectful parent he was and that he needs to stop leaving his children with nannies, even very good ones, and just be home and enjoy spending time with them and being there as they grow up. But on Kate Plus 8, nothing profound like that is happening. Nope, they’re flying kites because their whole shooting schedule is completely screwed up.

They make it to the beach to give this a go. Just in case all the groans didn’t get the message across, one of the kids says, “I don’t want to fly a kite!”

It’s far too windy even for kites. They can’t even get them off the ground. Production tries to help but it’s really impossible. A string cuts Cara’s hand and she‘s bleeding. Someone brings her ice. Aw.

“I hate kites!” Leah shouts.

You have to carry it in so we can throw them out, Kate replies. What? The kites won’t fly because of the wind, not because they are broken and need to be thrown out. She’s such an idiot. Go walk the plank already. She reminds me of that person who throws out lemonade because it’s too sour. No you dumbass, add some more sugar.

My goal is to go to Bald Head island and do everything, Kate says. You left out, “and film it.” They head to a lighthouse. This is not her thing, Kate says. Nobody cares, it’s not about you. It’s about giving the kids a great time.

I feel like we’ve seen these kids climb a lighthouse before. That’s because we have. They claim it was not this particular lighthouse but I can’t tell.

The kids are surprisingly really fascinated with the light house. They talk endlessly about the number of steps. Seems to me this is the most fun they’ve had this whole trip, and Kate didn‘t even want to go. I don’t know how much the fee was to go up to the top, but I grew up near a lighthouse and they only ask for two bucks. It’s one of those things you can do almost every year and it’s still great. Once again proof the kids don’t need expensive things to be happy and have fun.

Part Three is Turtles!

They arrange to go out with some zoologists or something to try to see a turtle nest hatch. That is really cool. At the nest, of course the kids are screaming and talking really loud. I don’t expect to see any babies tonight. Leah comes over to Kate having a total meltdown that Alexis got sand in her eye. It’s the beach, child. Sand gets in places.

“Ashley, I need you! Take this child!” Kate shouts fiercely, pointing at Alexis.

A zoologist hears about another nest further down that is hatching. Leah is still carrying on. They cart the kids over there. Literally, in motorized carts.

They get to see the babies poking through the sand at this nest. They look like sandy little mice all squirming. They are tiny! There are a ton of them!

The miracle of life, a nice way to end things. Kate is the most annoying person on the beach oohing and ahhing over them.

“Thank goodness you didn’t have that many,” Mady says, patting her mommy on the back. Aw, Mady. You are so awesome. Kate is probably jealous of the Mommy turtle, tons more kids to exploit!