Recap: Rough Ride 9/13/10: While we watch the twins take a surfing ride, Kate is taking a ride of her own in Cabo

Coming up on Kate Plus 8. The kids are vomiting all over the place on the boat. Ugh, poor babies. I’m upset not just that they’re vomiting, all kids vomit at some point, but that it’s filmed and that all their friends are probably watching and making fun of them the next day in school.

It's been an interesting week for Team Kate in their last-ditch effort to pull the ratings out of the deep end of the ocean. To recap, first Kate went on Regis and Kelly and told so many lies about Jon that her nose is starting to grow branches and leaves. See, Kate thought we would all be sympathetic to poor Kate and be so angry at mean awful Daddy for being so mean and awful. Except, she forgot we have eyes. And ears. And we hear her children screaming for Daddy, not her. And we see the children in photo after photo having a ball with Daddy and his surprisingly down-to-Earth girlfriend. The stunt completely backfired when long-standing sheeple like media exec Bonnie Fuller, editor of Hollywoodlife.com, turned on her big time for making derogatory comments about her children's father on national TV. Not okay, Kate. Ever. Jon for his part basically said that his kids know the truth, and that Kate needs help. She does need help, and if someone needs help, you should be able to say so. Otherwise, he's kept his nose to the grindstone and has been quietly spending time with his children. Kate's interview a few days later to try to save the ship only made things worse. She insulted every mother who has ever provided for her children by basically saying that she, Kate, was a rare woman who was stepping up for her kids. Basically implying she should get a medal for doing what any good mom would do. Barf. And a shout-out to all the moms out there who step up and do this on your own every day of the week without the benefit of a TV show. You are thankfully, not rare, but you are special, there's a difference.

Then Kate went for a true Doug Flutie and threw the Haily Mary pass when photos leaked of her and Steve at a romantic resort over the weekend in Cabo on the Emmys' dime. Girl hasn't been back two weeks from the Emmys and she's already trading in her taxable freebies like it's the Second Coming and she actually thinks she's not gonna be left behind.

So here we are back on another trip, with Steve, on TLC's dime this time. I’d already seen enough of this trip in Bald Head last week but TLC sure doesn’t think we have. They’ve got a whole other episode to squeeze out of it. The family, and Steve, is still at their ridiculously awesome beach house that as we learned last time, neither Kate nor her twins appreciate. The twins because they don’t want to share a bed, and Kate because the windows don’t have shades. The little kids are staying with Ashley to play at the beach while Kate takes Cara and Mady to a surfing lesson. Wonder which party Steve went with.

I really don’t think that one 21-something nanny is enough people to watch eight children play in the ocean. I am sure Ashley is perfectly capable of watching children, but there simply isn’t enough of her. I find this dangerous. Of course you can say well that’s what the lifeguard is for, but the lifeguard isn’t going to do anything if someone doesn’t let him know that someone is missing. I would be constantly counting heads. That said, the kids appear to have a great time with Ashley.

At the surf lesson the twins are complaining. I hate to say it, the older these kids get the more they sound like Kate. I don’t like the sand, I don’t wanna do this, I don’t wanna do that. Mady even stomps away at one point. Hey, just like how Kate stomped off on Tony first on Dancing With the Stars. I was briefly obsessed with surfing until I had a big wipe out and a nice stream of saltwater up the nose. Also I was so irrationally scared of sharks I couldn’t really enjoy myself. I decided it wasn’t for me. But I had looked into surf lessons and, yowser, they are expensive. Yet another thing served to the twins on a silver platter, private lessons. They don’t even say hi to the two guys who act mildly psyched to teach them (every surfer I‘ve ever met acts exactly the same, mildly psyched about everything). But the twins just sort of stand there shoulders slumped staring at the nice teachers. It’s rude.

Children learn how to be appreciative, polite and kind, largely from their parents. Let me make this clear, I don’t blame the twins for their attitudes. Look who they are parroting. Also, they could be tired of being dragged to various activities for the cameras. And maybe they know they don’t get to do cool stuff like this with Mommy unless the camera crew is there, so they know this is total bs just like everything else. I’d stomp off, too.

Cara, the sporty twin, takes to surfing right off. Kate talks about how Cara was really great at skiing, too. Hey, I was just thinking about that. I love how practically every milestone in Cara’s life has been filmed. Seems we all know just as much about her as her own mother, which I find creepy. I shouldn’t know this much about some random nine-year-old little girl. Also as I recall, Jon took Cara to her skiing lessons while Kate hung back at the lodge faking sick and getting spa treatments. So Kate has only heard tell that Cara is good at skiing, not actually witnessed it.

Haha, this is great. The surfer dudes get Mady to go out into the water and try it with the promise that they will make Kate go too so everyone can make fun of her. Mady even points at Kate and laughs when they tell her the plan. Ha. Child, you‘re awesome as usual.

Kate is predictably not very good at this. Most people aren’t because surfing is very hard, I certainly wasn‘t expecting stumpy here to be some strange exception. But does she have to shriek about it all morning? Kate says she’s not very “waterish.” Hm, she’s not very Mommyish either. But she is quite bodyguardish.

The teacher even tells Kate to concentrate on not screaming. About time someone told her to please knock it off with that nonsense. The teacher gives her a B. Not for her surfing, but for her effort. Ouch. Even if you stink, aren’t you supposed to at least get an A for effort? But I suppose it’s better than the D plus I gave her for effort on DWTS. Kate is so respectful of her teacher. She calls him her “little instructor man.” I wonder what she calls Steve. Little doodle bug man maybe.

Of course Kate missed the one time Mady got up. Figures. Kate makes sure to explain she is equally proud of her twins. Why wouldn’t you be? Why would you play favorites with your own children?

Back at the beach house, Kate says they’re going to pirate school. If that’s anything like her chicken school no thanks. None of the kids want to go. None. “I don’t want to go to pirate school!“ Hannah shouts. “I’m out!“ Mady adds. They really are starting to rebel at all these canned filming excursions. They are only six so you can still physically drag them places, but won’t be long before that’s just not going to be possible. Last week they nearly unanimously refused to go fly the kites. The wench pulls out a bunch of 99 cent pirate junk like skull caps and a scope the nanny probably picked up for them and tries to get them into it.

Every time the kids don’t want to do something, they immediately cut to the next scene where the kids are actually doing what they had just firmly said they didn‘t want to do. You have to wonder how they got from A to Z and why they don’t want us to see it. Bribes? Threats they’ll have to walk the plank if they don‘t cooperate? Be good or Kate’ll take your Daddy away?

They meet these two kinda scruffy middle-aged guys dressed as either pirates or Revolutionary War soldiers, I can’t really tell. Poor Alexis is afraid of them.

One of the pirates says that he is looking for a cook and would the kids being willing to sell him Kate? Yes!!! I cry, leaping to my feet. Make Kate actually work for a living for a change!

“No, she’s my mommy!” Hannah cries, running to Kate. But the rest of the kids kind of stand there looking like they’re actually pondering how much money they might be able to get for her.

Finally though, the kids all gang up on Collin and decide he is the sacrificial lamb and that he should be sold. Kate supports this, probably wanting to get rid of the kid who is rebelling against the fame the most, makes sense. Collin seems to understand it’s all a game and is more interested in admiring the pirate coins. The pirates leave seemingly almost as quickly as they came. Why are they not taking the wench back with them and how much did this little shtick cost?

Well, that was completely boring. I want to see something interesting like vomit. They saved the “bestest” for last says Kate. Vomiting or deep sea fishing? What’s more sick than vomiting is that there is this weird sense I get about Kate that although she was sorry the kids got sick, she was also kind of glad, because she knows it makes good TV. She is one twisted lady. If she were truly sorry they were sick, she would sit with them in the hull and also she would make the boat turn around. We'll get to that.

The boat has a life ring but just like we already saw, none of the kids are in life vests. They are just sitting there on the open deck. Cara doesn’t look all that thrilled, she is crossing her arms and scowling. The kids will like it, Kate says. I guess the bribes, threats, etc., didn’t work, because Kate says that Mady refused to come. Good for her. She should not have to go on a set-up like this if she doesn’t want to. This is one of the only times I can remember that a child is not along on a filmed trip. And Kate even admits it’s because she didn’t want to come. I wonder what she expects to do when all eight refuse to come. Just film herself? Probably.

Almost all of the kids are starting to look quite green. Cara is crying. Collin starts crying, too. And the vomiting starts. First Leah. Then Cara. Four of them are vomiting at the same time. They show it. All of it. It’s everywhere. Aaden is lying in his own vomit and Steve has to help him out of it. Collin has vomit all over him, too. Oh, God. Poor, poor babies. This is clearly not working for the vast majority of the children, so why not turn around? Even Clark the production guy is vomiting over the side. Just turn the boat around for God sake.

By the way, a little note about vomiting. Have you ever noticed when one person vomits everyone else does, too? Supposedly that’s an evolutionary thing. When we hear someone or see someone get sick we are programmed to get sick too because in the cave man days, everyone was sitting around the camp fire eating the same mammoth meat or whatever, and so if one person got food poisoning chances are you got it too and it’s in your best interest to vomit, too.

They describe the horrible vomiting episode some more, I won’t get into it. Nothing is private about these kids. Poor kids are inside just wiped out collapsed across some chairs in vomit-stained clothes. Poor, poor babies. And there is absolutely no reason any of this needs to be filmed.

“It was vomit-fest, Gosselin style,” Kate says. Hey, was that a shout-out to this blog? Haha, hi Kate! How was Cabo? For that one sheeple who called me a narcissist, apparently I have to make it clear that of course I don't really think that's a shout-out to us. But it's still funny.

Someone pointed out that Zack Roloff was shown vomiting in the episode of Little People that aired before this one. I saw that and I think that’s gross, too. Totally unnecessary. Why not just say Zack vomited? Why show it? But Zack is 19 and an adult. He is old enough to decide whether he wants to be shown vomiting on national TV. These children are six and cannot give informed consent to such a thing, period. If you can’t do long division yet you can’t consent to filming.

Kate said she was in a dilemma, “It wasn’t like I could say stop this, stop the world we’re getting off.” Well, no, but you can turn the damn boat around, Kate. Geez. But then they wouldn’t get all the fishing they need to film. I don’t think this was a dilemma for her at all, she knew she had to film vomiting or not. So while her babies are inside trying to recover from that horrible vomiting episode, Kate screams, “Captain, I wanna fish!”

And fish she does. Or catch some bait anyway. The kids trickle out to try fishing, looking really tired. They are very close to the edge without life vests. This is so dangerous and stupid. As I’ve mentioned before, I had an amazing boyfriend in high school who had a tragic accident happen to his family. Before he was born, his father had a boat and he, his wife and two children got into a bad accident on one of the Great lakes. His father lost his whole family. He was lucky enough to eventually meet someone else and to have my boyfriend and his sister and start a new family. But gosh, what a horrible, horrible tragedy. And no life vests, by the way. Jamie and I have remained friends all these years later, even though we’ve both moved on to other people, because I don’t believe a bad breakup means you have to lose a great friend. And also I find his family’s story nothing short of inspiring and I like having amazing people in my life. The Great Lakes, by the way, are nothing to mess around with. I had another close call with my uncle and cousins where we got caught in a horrible lightning storm out there fishing. I was crouching down on the floor (in my life vest) praying we wouldn’t get struck. I kind of don’t like going out on those lakes even though my whole family is into it just because there are just so many dangers to reckon with. I do like fishing, but you can get some great fish right off the dock.

“My favoritest fish on the planet” is Chilean sea bass, Kate says. Miss Organic should know that Chilean sea bass has some of the highest levels of mercury of all fish, and according to the Monterey Aquarium, "most Chilean seabass in the U.S. market come from boats that are fishing illegally and using unmodified bottom longlines. This unmodified fishing gear hooks and drowns thousands of seabirds each year, most notably endangered albatross." I don't expect Kate to know everything there is to know about food, but it's annoying when someone who claims to be a health nut is actually very ignorant about it. If you are going to go around saying you are a health nut you should know what you are talking about, otherwise, shut up.

The kids are eventually coming around and really seem to be enjoying this, which is nice. I am biting my nails watching Joel lean over the edge watching Kate catch something, neither of them in a life vest.

Haha, they didn’t catch enough to eat so Kate has to go out and buy some fish for dinner. Back at the house, Mady says she is so glad she didn’t go since everyone was puking. Good for her.

The kids instantly look way more relaxed and happy now that they’re back at the house. Kate simply does not get that children don’t need expensive excursions and other similar crap to have fun on vacation.

The kids are all around the table eating the fish, but Ashley is kind of standing there in the background watching looking hungry. I guess the servants have to eat at the servant table? They show us the family praying over dinner. Good thinking, just in case they need to go for the religious angle again. After that stunt Kate pulled in Cabo this weekend, I’d be appealing to a higher power for help, too. Dear God, please save our ratings. Amen.