Alaska, Here we Come! Recap: The family visits Mr. and Mrs. Iditarod

Coming up on Kate Plus 8! Shrieking, moaning, crying, barking. And that’s just from Kate. The clan is headed to Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Only for the entire hour they’re going to pretend this crossover wasn’t the whole point of the trip in the first place, and also they will pretend they never met Sarah, certainly never briefly went camping with her and her family, and overall she does not even exist. I’m guessing this, shall we say, “distancing” request came from Team Palin and not Team TLC. Or perhaps after that fiasco, in good old-fashioned Alaskan speak Palin had a message for Kate, a big fat HELL NO!



“We had the opportunity to go to Alaska,” Kate explains. And by “we had the opportunity,” she means, I had eight kids, sold them to TLC which then proceeded to pimp them out for five years, and TLC has now decided to pay for yet another filmed trip no one honestly wants to go on other than to bank their $250,000 for purposes of doing a cross-over which will ultimately end up on the cutting room floor anyway!

“Ironically, it is one of the places on our wish list,” Kate adds. Kate still has places on her wish list she hasn‘t been to yet? How long is that list? Also, I don’t understand what is ironic about that. I think growing up she must have been in the same English class as Alanis, who thinks it’s ironic to have rain on your wedding day, or a traffic jam when you’re already late. Actually Alanis, that’s not really ironic. The first one is unfortunate, and the second is just plain bad planning. And so is this trip, when the children should be 1. Enjoying their summer at home with their friends and dad and 2. Enjoying their summer without cameras.

Kate brags that ever since they went to Hawaii they’ve wanted to go to Alaska, not because Alaska is unique and amazing and gorgeous, but because Hawaii and Alaska are both “unattached” states. Oh, I didn’t know those states were single. Just like Kate. Maybe Alaska and Hawaii could be set up on a blind date. Also I highly doubt six six-year-olds have been constantly talking about trips they want to take to Alaska, and not about Dora the Explorer or those bandz bracelet things Jon says they like or whatever they are really into that I highly doubt has anything to do with traveling.

Break out the Indian Jones map and cheap graphics as a little plane makes its way up to Alaska. It was a seven to “eightish” hour flight, says Kate. The kids did well. Or did Kate just not have to be all that concerned with them because she brought nannies, helpers and bodyguards to go along with her? Speaking of which, they outright completely cut out Ashley from this entire episode, even though we know she went along because her mom Carla blabbed about it on her blog. They literally make it seem like it was just Kate the entire time and not an army of qualified, experienced helpers, too. It can be hurtful as a nanny to be so discredited.

The background music is all swashbuckling, frontier sounding as they show us beautiful shots of the mountains and lakes. The music sounds so familiar, did they steal this from Oregon Trail IV for Windows?

Day One and they’re visiting a family that raises Iditarod dogs. The dog owners are really nice to the kids and do a good job explaining all about the race and the dogs. Hey, if you can keep eight kids under ten interested for more than a few minutes you’re doing fine. Finally they bring out the tiniest, sweetest little Husky puppies, only two days old! I wonder if this makes the kids heartsick for the dogs they used to have. Poor kids. In typical Kate fashion, she tells us the family had about “280 million dogs.” Fortunately Colin has not inherited the obnoxious exaggeration gene. Maybe it‘s recessive in males. There was really probably ten or twelve dogs, Colin explains rationally.

They hook up the dogs to a sled and everyone gets aboard. Since there’s no snow, the sled really just looks like one of those mule things with wheels the Little People have. I assume this may be how dogs are trained in the summer but TLC is not concerned about teaching us anything useful.

What concerns me about this episode is that I think people are interested in Alaska, as I am. It’s sort of a trendy place right now after the Palin craze. I think we might see some decent ratings because people are interested in ideas for a trip. Oh, well.

Back from commercials, Kate says they were visiting the “Iditarod family.” Kate knows the Iditarod is the name of a race, and not the last name of one random family who happens to be training dogs for it….right? Ha. Iditarod is in actuality the name of a town in Alaska, from an Athabascan word, a Native American tribe. The kids are really loving this rough, speedy ride. They are honestly thrilled. On the couch, which the children are all spending an absurd amount of time on, (Are they keeping track of these hours, too? They count.) they are laughing and making fun of Kate who didn’t really enjoy the ride as much as they did. I just love when the kids mock Kate. I guess it’s good to know we’re not the only ones who think she’s ridiculous. They stop to strap the children in with seatbelts. “They were not in any harm!“ Kate says defensively, literally slamming her hands in the air for emphasis. Okay, okay they were not in any harm! Not from that anyway, Kate.

Peace, Love, World should be ashamed of themselves. That’s all the kids wear lately. Kate forces the kids to wave at David the cameraman who is following alongside them during the ride. Why do they have to wave at the cameraman when they were doing just fine and enjoying themselves? Seriously, why? I thought this was supposed to be reality anyway. It’s not real to wave at a cameraman.

Kate claims Alaska does not have grocery stores or restaurants. Geez, Kate, it’s not Calcutta. She really cannot help insulting everyone and anyone she crosses paths with. I bet she tried to order an English-Alaskan dictionary on Amazon before she left, and pulled out her passport at the airport too. Uh, ma’am, this is a domestic flight, I just need to see your driver’s license.

Kate says the crew was shocked when she stopped at a convenience store and picked up some peanut butter, fluffernutter, bread, crackers, cookies and fruit for the kids‘ lunches. What’s funny is she doesn’t exactly explain what is shocking about this. Like, is it shocking Kate would feed her children something substantial? Or perhaps shocking she wouldn’t just rely on craft services to worry about this? Or shocking that Kate even thinks about the children’s needs for once? I don’t get it! But I do love when Kate runs her mouth like this.

Back at Mr. and Mrs. Iditarod’s house, the kids are loving on the dogs and it’s so sweet and they’re having so much fun and it’s so sad that their parents set the family up for failure with their own dogs.
The kids have to eat lunch in the bus, which looks kind of depressing, but they don‘t seem to care. Kids slugged around day after day on various sets quickly adapt to whatever they need to do, whether it‘s eating on a bus or under a tent or sleeping in a strange place or what have you. Emma Watson wrote a great article, in her own words, for today’s Parade about how she had adjusted to set life in a rather creepy way. It is a must read and can be found here. Basically she says the sets were so regimented she didn’t know how to do anything without someone giving her permission to do it, even use the restroom. Now that she’s a college student at Brown with lots of time and freedom, no one telling you when to go to the restroom and such, it has been incredibly liberating and she loves it. She sounds like a really sweet girl. At least when she was on the set, there was a set teacher making sure she got wrapped in a nice warm blanket when she was chilly. Seems there was no one on the Alaskan set looking out for the Gosselin kids' needs. This is one of the many things that a set teacher is good for: monitoring a child's personal comfort level. Everything from making sure they are not too hot or too cold, thirsty or hungry, tired, and on and on. I have met several set teachers, worked with one, and I think set teachers are completely awesome and definitely necessary.
At least this time Kate only says they need to eat the cookies last and doesn’t dictate a specific order to eat the rest of the food. Fair enough.

Kate takes Mady and Cara on a plane ride to land on a glacier. I really like that Kate is doing something with just the twins. They need her so much. Kate says she’s never gone this long without wearing heels before. A whole two days? Wow, I cannot imagine. She’s so courageous. The mountainous terrain is amazing, the twins love it, even Kate seems to appreciate it. This is surprisingly relaxing and beautiful. Of course Kate can’t help herself and has to shriek a bit over some of the biggest mountains, but oh, well you can’t expect perfection. Snowball fight with Kate, Steve and the twins. Just like a cozy little family. I wonder if deep down Kate sometimes pretends that’s the way it really is.

I’m not sure what day it is now but today they’re going to pan for gold with the help of another random family. Where do they find these families anyway? Let me get this straight. Kate wants them to go on a long hike into the woods, but doesn’t want them to get muddy. The entire unpleasant hike consists of Kate moaning and groaning and bellowing out, “Watch the mud!” “please don’t!” “Go quick!” “ohhhh!” and so on and so on. The problem with a parent like this is that it raises a child’s blood pressure, is irritating to him or her, and puts anyone in earshot in a bad mood, certainly the child. In other words, it ruins it. Also it is annoying even to a casual viewer.

The kids are really interested in panning for gold. When you have a parent who is obsessed with money, this kind of obsession trickles down to the kids and they too become overly preoccupied. It’s just like it’s 1849 and the whole family is pitching in. Kids, you are already more than pulling your weight in the financial department, you really shouldn’t be all that concerned about this.

Kate is shocked that they are not finding giant gold nuggets and is very “impatient” with this whole process. This woman has been impatient about a lot of things in her life, starting with her alleged “infertility.” I wonder if she realizes how many weeks and months of pan-swirling people did before they ever struck it rich back in the day. I guess that’s understandable when most of your money has been just handed to you by the 250-thousands simply for at this point, well, breathing! Meanwhile the kids adore this activity. Kate cannot like anything her kids like, it’s like if the kids like it, Kate is programmed to feel the opposite, and vice versa. “Clearly I’m not a gold digger!” Kate says, slapping her knee and cracking herself up. Well, that’s true actually. She’s more like an Asian sperm doormat digger.

“If we find gold we’re gonna split it up for everybody, okay?” the gold guy says as he digs. Excuse me Mr. Gold Man, but by split it up does that mean evenly? Or 15% to the kids and 85% to Kate? Sadly this really does need to be clarified.

Steve gives Colin a ring to put in a pan and trick Kate. Colin takes it over to Kate, all proud of himself at what he “found.” I can’t tell if she is just playing along or was really fooled. The oddest part about this is I’ve never seen a photo of Steve with his ring on, certainly not recently. Where did the ring come from? Also are they trying to drill it into our heads he‘s married? Because no married person would have an affair, right?

Kate gives the gold guy’s absolutely adorable two-year-old son Levi more attention in two minutes than she has to her kids in a year. What’s with the name Levi and Alaska? I seriously perked up thinking this was the part where they meet Sarah Palin, but alas, no. Kate even wants to take Levi home. Hmm, he’s no cousin Oliver but hey it might work.

I guess we’re now on Day 2, according to TLC. However from all the paparazzi photos, twitterers, blogging mothers, and other blabbers, we know they spent over a week here. Remember Ashley actually flew home for a wedding then flew back out there? Crazy. I find it very hard to believe all of this stuff was crammed into just two days, or that they could comply with Alaska’s child labor laws and still get enough footage in just two days. More than likely this was spread out over many more days than just two. It’s very telling the kids have on the same outfits the entire trip. It would be a good safeguard when you don’t know how many days it will take to just have your actors (and I say actors because that‘s really how they should be treated under the law) wear the same thing day after day so it doesn‘t look like you worked the poor kids nine days in a row.

They’re in beautiful Girwood, Alaska. All these little towns are incredibly far apart, which probably meant very long, tiring bus rides. Explains all the exhausted child actors in the paps photos from the trip.

They ride a gondola to the top of a mountain. On the couch, I just noticed, is Kate wearing panty hose? What is this, 1993? Please tell me that‘s not just her tan, it‘s very dark. Some guys are trying to parachute off the mountain but I guess they were having some difficulty and Kate and the kids all watch. It’s surprisingly boring. Some of the kids look really cold, they have their hoodies on and are tucking their hands in their sleeves.

Day 3, the “very last day.” Uh, huh, Kate, we know you did not spend just three days up there, we have proof. Who spends just three days in Alaska? And also, where was your overnight trip with Sarah Palin? How about the trip to the zoo where we saw cameras? Or to a tourist gift shop? No decent footage out of all of that? Just read our blog they were there over a week filming all kinds of things. Proof that what is filmed and what ends up on the cutting room floor has a ratio of maybe 100 to 1. But whatever. On the “last day” they go whale watching.

The kids are getting impatient because there aren’t any whales out. Well this isn’t a zoo the animals cannot be forced to just stand there while you ogle and take photos. It’s kind of an eerie contrast watching the kids ogle at other living things and demand they come out to be seen just like America ogles at them and demands they be seen. I think Kate is adding “ish” to everything just to piss everyone off. The whales were “slimish to none,” she says. Gaa. Alexis melts down, throwing a fit because she cannot see the whales anywhere people are pointing. She screams and stomps around. Who does that remind you of? Why is it necessary to show this?

More shrieking and screaming, mostly from Kate and Alexis. Kate is disappointed they didn’t really see the whales that much. Sorry Kate, the whales don’t know it’s THEE Kate Gosselin they’re supposed to be coming out for.

Kate tries to make whale calls. The kids look at her like she’s a nut. “You’re horrible at it!” one of them says. Haha. Sure enough the whales really start coming out and Kate is shrieking like crazy. It is the most annoying thing ever, I hate screamers and shriekers. The kids scream, too. You know there are other people on this boat. Even a nice young couple with their arms around each other. Show some consideration. I hate when people stomp around through the environment talking loudly and shouting and not only scaring the crap out of any living thing within a mile radius, but also pissing off all other humans around, too. I am the type of person who would confront someone being this rude even when other people are saying just ignore them, please don‘t. I‘m sorry but it‘s rude and it‘s ruining other people‘s good times. Also, does Kate assume whales are deaf? Because anyone who has ever been on a boat before knows if you want to see wildlife, you should be very quiet.

The trip winds up. What happened to Sarah Palin? Did Kate no likey going camping with her having to pee in the woods and roast a hotdog on a stick? You betch-ya!