Recap: Gosselins, Goblins & Gouls 11/28/10: Sister Wife likes Halloween if the price is right!

Coming up on Sister Wives! Kate ditches the hooker heels and dons a neck-high neutral-colored frock with shoulder pads, gets herself hitched to Kody Brown and she and her magical uterus bear him eight more kids.
Wait a minute, this isn’t Sister Wives! Even though most of our TV listings told us so. This is Kate Plus 8, and TLC has never looked so desperate. It’s appropriate this is a Halloween episode, because TLC will not surrender until they’ve tried every last trick in the book. Bait and Switch is on page two-hundred-two of the secret manual of shady TV executives. Personally, I’d like to accomplish good ratings because I produced a great show and people liked it, not because I pretended to move the family to Utah to do something illegal. It’s Kate Plus 8, the Halloween episode. On Thanksgiving weekend. If you follow that logic.

What do you suppose they bribe the kids with to so boisterously scream and shout all their lines on the couch? Peanuts, Hershey kisses? Dogs? Kate used to think Halloween was tacky, creepy and evil, but now she thinks it’s fun. Translation? If you pay me $250,000 I’ll like whatever you want me to.

It’s Kate at Party City without the kids, and do you remember that completely awesome game show Supermarket Sweep from the 90’s? Where basically three teams pushed carts through the supermarket trying to rack up as much merchandise as they can, if they’re smart usually going for the big ticket items like the turkeys and the gourmet coffee and those monster wedges of cheese. That’s kinda what this looks like, Kate throwing plastic gravestones and skeleton heads and bloody eyeballs into her carts willy-nilly without so much as checking the price tag. She fills three whole carts with this crap! She would have done awesome on Supermarket Sweep, I bet she would have even found and sprinted back the M&M bonus item plush toy worth an extra $250.
So did she have a coupon for that severed foot? I thought we don’t buy things without a coupon--clap, clap!

Who are all these other moms Kate is running into and actually talking to? They must be extras; Kate usually doesn’t make eye contact with the slaves rowing below. I actually thought you were supposed to stop what you were doing and turn and face the wall as she walks by, but these women are acting like they just bumped into their best girlfriend they haven‘t had a chance to see in awhile. It’s pretty convincing acting actually, Emmys all around. Apparently Kate has finally realized that just because you don’t have eight kids doesn’t mean you don’t bust your butt just as much as she does to give them a nice holiday. She really does think she owns the patent on martyrdom for your kids. Says Kate, Whoa, other moms who have “less kids” than her are scrambling about Halloween, too. It’s nice all the other moms in the world are finally getting credit.

Kate wants a medal for basically bringing the Party City stuff back to the house and picking up the kids from school, which is what most mothers do on a day-to-day basis--get things done that need to be done and then pick up the kids. I hope those orange sunglasses she is wearing are one of those giant joke pairs she maybe just bought ... or are they seriously the Beverly Hills type Chanel things all the faux rich women wear? I really can’t tell.

Kate claims she picked up the children from school and brought them back to Party City where she just was, but two of the children, hmmm incidentally Alexis and Collin, are in regular play clothes, while the rest are in uniform. So if Alexis and Collin were already kicked out of school at this point, where were they all this time?

Since they didn’t bother to take care of this until the day before the children’s school Halloween party, all the costumes are picked over and the kids aren’t all that thrilled about what is left. One of the girls finds one she loves but, bummer, they don't have her size. Had she been taken there just a few weeks before she could have gotten what she wanted, but I suppose the camera crew couldn't come then. The kids are very well-behaved and cooperative. Kate won’t let Collin be what he wants to be, some costume with a red star, because it’s too scary. After just telling them to look at the costumes and pick out one, which is exactly what he is doing, she grabs him by the chin and whips his head toward her, ordering him to “look at me when I‘m talking to you please!” This precious little boy was doing absolutely nothing wrong and everything right, and does not deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I find it ironic (I know how to use the word correctly!) that Kate is implying he is disrespectful by not looking at her, but to solve the problem? She does one of the most disrespectful things you can do to a person--grab them by their chin and force them to look at you. As I’ve said so many times, you can’t treat a child like this, then get mad when that child is having problems socially. Collin is a great kid who has demonstrated as such time and time again, and that’s all I’m going to say because it’s not worth belaboring what we all already know.

Joel looks so interested to be on the couch! He’s wrestling Aaden, hanging off the back of the couch, etc. I’m guessing his bribe was in the form of sugar.

Kate is going to be a “She-Devil.” So a devil costume, the epitome of evil and scary, is allowed, but not Collin’s costume? How so very fair! Kate’s She-Devil costume consists of hooker heels, skinny jeans and an Ann Taylor cardigan. Wait a minute.

There have been various reports of how long the children actually spent in Party City, but Kate herself says it was a “long, long trip.“ Guess that settles that, filming does indeed take a “long, long” time, according to Kate. Kate says the kids behaved very nicely, which they totally did given that it was all Kate's fault for not taking them here earlier when the costumes weren't so picked over, and it’s nice to see her praise them instead of just criticize.

Cheap-o scary music plays from probably an intern on a synthesizer. With all those big-budget trips TLC has to make cuts somewhere. Kate orders the children to waste toilet paper times eight and wrap themselves like mummies while she works on a big “surprise” for them. Sara Snow would not approve. Naturally, the surprise is all about Kate. She got “Mommy of a Lifetime Award” for it. I’m guessing whatever it is, it’s probably something to undermine Jon. Like those parents who sneak $100 bills into their children’s pockets on visits and tell them not to tell Mommy. Sometime later, Kate orders the kids to get their shoes and go outside and line up in front of the garage.

Aw, it’s Shoka. Shoka’s back. I am both horrified, and thrilled for them. The children obviously adore Shoka, just adore him. But this family has no business having a dog and we all know why. Jon was very clear, Shoka and Nala were neglected at the compound. Kate herself even said Shoka chewed his way out of a crate, which simply never should happen when a dog is trained correctly and treated humanely (absent perhaps a dog with a very abusive past, which wasn't the case here). Also, I haven't heard this mentioned too much, but remember one of them swallowed a toy and had to have dangerous surgery and could have died. I remember the first thing my vet said to me when I brought my darling 12-week little peanut-head in, puppy proof your house and watch your dog please, most of the dangerous surgies I have had to do on puppies are because of careless owners.

And just as I suspected, this move is very shitty. Toward Jon. Jon rightly, even though it was painful, sent the dogs back because they were being neglected. He had to do it for the love of the dogs. By Kate bringing Shoka back, she sends a clear message to the kids that‘s as glaring as a fire siren: Big mean awful Daddy took your precious doggies away because he’s mean! But now sweet loving kind Mommy is bringing them back because she would never want to hurt you like Daddy does. Think kids don’t process that exact message out of all this, think again. Shitty move, Kate. Below the belt.

To top it all off, Kate explains that Shoka will be an outside dog. Dogs are pack animals which is why this is so wrong, except in uncommon situations where the family really is outside all the time like farmers or ranchers--this family definitely isn’t! Unless you can plow a field or herd cattle in Jimmy Choo’s. Even the Humane Society says forcing a dog to stay outside when humans aren’t out there is psychologically damaging. Oh hell no, Kate wants Nala back someday, too! Is she flipping kidding? So Nala will just remain in limbo like she’s an unwanted foster child while this family takes their sweet time to get ready for her. Why can’t they just unselfishly actually want her to go to a great home right now even if it's not them? A home that will actually allow her to be inside with her pack, the humans. Who is this breeder that would make a dog wait for such a selfish family? These people have no business owning dogs, none whatsoever. As a dog owner and lover, I find it plain sick. Somebody stick some Betty White on them.


Cue the creepy music again. What’s with the shot of the goat? Are they neglecting goats now too in addition to chickens and dogs?

Collin, always a little sweetheart, helps Aaden zip up his Peace, Love World product placement hoodie. The kids play on a bunch of hay bales and a couple of the girls start violently wrestling, but since it’s the girls no one says anything. I’m surprised Kate isn’t talking about how cute and sweet it is they are beating each other to a pulp.

Kate pulls Collin aside and tells him this is the Collin she likes to see. “When things make us angry we need to deal appropriately with it,” she explains. So, does that include, hit the other person, make fun of them for breathing or scratching, and throw them under the bus on the Today Show and Regis and Kelly Live?

Someone posted in the comments here an absolutely fabulous analogy as to why this little conversation is such a gigantic bummer. Imagine you just broke up with your significant other and you and your girlfriends all go out for drinks and have a great time. Then one of your friends pulls you aside during the middle of all the fun and says “Isn’t this great you are not thinking about Bob right now and all the crap that happened with him and can move on from that tonight?” Yeah, not so great to hear something like that. Deflate the balloon. Thanks a lot.

Other people have said this conversation would have been wonderful if only it had been when she was tucking him into bed that night, and obviously, without the cameras. I couldn’t agree more. A kid just loves to hear from his Mommy that he had a great day, but in privacy. I want to make this clear--I have absolutely no problem with what Kate says to her child here. The problem is, it was done in the middle of him having a great time, and more glaring, it was done for the cameras--in front of me and 1.3 million others. That’s the problem. Why Kate has such a need to prove her motherhood to the public who knows but it's gross.
Naturally Collin, a boy, is the one with all the issues, and nothing is breathed about Alexis, who is also not in school and also, clearly, has issues. I don’t know why Collin hasn’t been blamed for Alexis’ issues too by now. According to Kate, Collin is angry, he has post-divorce issues. She has researched this. Did she stumble upon any research that says never, ever, under any circumstances, talk negatively about a child’s father? How about anything on Parental Alienation? She fits the mold of an "obsessed alienator," would she like to read this article as part of her research? Acting out is normal, Kate explains. Eh, perhaps, but it’s not so normal to trash their father on live TV. If she does that on television, what does she say about him behind closed doors? She really needs to get over him and move on.

Kate goes on some nonsensical rant about how there are so many “negative” things about the kids and that you can forget that Collin is a great kid. Take your crazy pill, Kate. Does TLC pick up that tab too? There are way more positives than negatives about your kids, by a landslide, and Collin is and always has been a great kid. None of us ever forgot that. Except his own crazy mother!

Just a note, that the children’s issues are not just related to the divorce, and even Kate herself admitted it to Mary Hart. I actually found her comment to show quite a bit of self-awareness, which is very unusual from the same woman who put on…that…and danced/shuffled around to Papa-paparazzi in front of millions. Kate specifically said that the divorce issues, in addition to the “pressure” the children felt, were causing their problems. Why a six-year-old should feel pressure about anything more than whether to watch Spongebob or Dora is beyond me. By the way, a talking sponge squashed Kate in the ratings. And divorce issues go both ways. She may think they are upset at Jon, yet doesn't even let the idea enter her mind that maybe, just maybe, all the trash talking she has done about him especially in the last several months has gotten to them, too. That is, after all, their daddy she's talking about.

Next up, a hayride. We’re only twenty minutes into this episode? I am already so thoroughly exhausted between watching these children shuffled and lined up all over Reading and listening to Kate wax on about how negative they are and how many issues they have--well, the whipping boy has. I guess if she can’t pick on Jon, then Collin is next in line. I’ve learned that a bully has to have someone to bully. If they don’t they go stir crazy. If one victim disappears, they find someone else.

They show some flashback clips from the first ever episode of Jon and Kate at the pumpkin patch, conveniently leaving Jon out of all the clips. You can cut Jon out of the clips but you can‘t cut him out of your children’s live‘s, Kate! Hahahah--cue the evil Halloween laugh.

It’s not Halloween that is all that creepy, what’s creepy is that when Kate asks the kids if they remember their first trip to the pumpkin patch, they talk about the “episode.” Their life is a series of episodes and they know it, and what‘s more, they act like it‘s normal.

The kids pick out their pumpkins which, not surprisingly, is no more interesting than watching any other kid in America do this.

It’s Supermarket Sweep again, at the pet store now. They fill a cart with dog food and a bunch of unnecessary dog stuff. Make sure you pick up the M&M super bonus for an extra $250! Hurry, ten seconds left! Sigh, now Aaden is climbing over the back of the couch. These kids are so bored and tired of the couch interviews, I cannot imagine. Especially when you’re only getting 15% for this, that’s b.s., man. I’d be hanging off couches, too. I love that Kate is as honest as the pilgrims about feeding Shoka a treat in the store that she wants to be sure the cashier charges her for, but not honest about a dozen other important topics in her life, for starters, trying to convince us, despite all the photos and footage to the contrary, that Jon was not involved with the children until recently. I mention the pilgrims because it’s actually Thanksgiving. Halloween was like decades ago in TV time.

The kids are so loud and enthusiastic on the couch I cannot even understand them. Something about holding bunny rabbits. It almost seems like they took them to some cheap acting school where the acting coaches who have only ever been an extra themselves told them to remember to be excited! Smile! Think big!

Collin grabs one of Shoka‘s dog biscuits and shoves it into his mouth, I guess thinking it‘s a cookie. No, no, Collin, it’s Daddy who is a dog, not you! Kate, who claims they need a bodyguard, has to page the “Gosselin children” over the loudspeakers. Geez that’s not dangerous at all! Although no more dangerous than filming 150 episodes worth of their private moments and broadcasting it to the world.

Now they’re at a corn maize. I thought they were just there, I’m confused. I guess the hay bales was some other thing? Gosh this is tiring. Was this all in one weekend? Phew, a shoot more grueling than Titanic’s.

“Don’t go this way, you’re gonna get lost!” Kate warns the kids. Kate, ever consider maybe the children are trying to lose you? Kate basically yells at the children the entire time in the maize. “I’m just glad we got out alive before we died of starvation,” Kate deadpans. Her humor is weird. I don’t like dead people jokes.

More synthesizer music. I have to admit Pennsylvania is a great area for a spooky Halloween, lots of creepy woods and nice brusque weather. I think I’ve mentioned it, I lived in Pennsylvania for awhile and spent several Halloweens there and it was fun.

Apparently it’s the crew’s job not just to film every private moment of the children’s lives but also to build them a haunted house downstairs. They basically do it all while Kate, in typical fashion, orders and points. The kids go through the haunted house and love it. No friends, no cousins to enjoy it with them. Just the eight kids. My mom threw the best Halloween party ever for us kids when I was about 10. I’ll remember it forever. We didn’t spend a ton of money, but we didn’t need to. She had this wonderfully creative thing where she set up a creepy “Horror Workshop” in the basement where we sat around a table, she turned off all the lights, and we got to feel various “bowls” in the workshop like eyeballs (grapes), blood (heavy cream), and brains (jello). I think she set up the whole thing just from ingredients on hand. We screamed like crazy. I had about eight friends over and we still talk about it sometimes. The point is, without friends to share these moments with, it’s just not the same.

If I didn’t mention it, Collin and Alexis are doing all their interviews together. Nice, so now that they are not in school there is more time to film them?

Pumpkin carving time. Kate doesn’t enjoy carving pumpkins because, you guessed it, it’s all about Kate. It always was about Kate and it always will be about Kate. The kids obviously need a lot of help and Kate does help them. “Hang on, I’m getting to you. There’s one of me and eight of you,” Kate says. Someday, the children are really going to appreciate those odds.

Kate is a martyr for cleaning eight pumpkins. Well, I might give her that. Carving a pumpkin is fun but taking the seeds out really is a total drag. Times eight? Ugh. I think I have a good excuse to show the pumpkin I carved this year, if you’ll indulge me! I like doing the carving itself, but I didn't like taking out the seeds.
It’s finally Trick-or-Treat time and little kids dressed up is always very cute, but no more cute than any other child in America. The kids are dressed in mostly nice neutral costumes like pirates and bunny rabbits, while Kate, oddly, gets to be the devil, even though Collin wasn‘t allowed to be something scary. I adore Aadan as a SWAT man. Maybe he can orchestrate some kind of tactical plan to take down Kate! Cara goes as herself--okay, I'm not sure what to make of that. Holy crap, one house is giving out super-sized Kit-Kats! Halloween when I grew up was serious business and a lot of strategy, involving mapping out routes, finding the "best" neighborhoods where they gave out stuff like that, and tremendous speed. By the time I was eight or nine we knew exactly where the goldmine houses were.

Instead of just saying we had a great time I can’t wait for next year, Kate has to get all defensive and claims that the children told her they love these action-packed weekends, and they get to “go out in the public and do great things” (right, sure a six-year-old said just that). “Honestly, I don’t think there is anything that could have made this weekend more fun.” I’ve pretty much figured out that when Kate begins a sentence with “honestly,” get ready for her nose to grow another inch and a few more branches to pop out the sides. She should have been Pinocchio for Halloween. Kate is absolutely right about one thing, Halloween is more about spending time together with those you love and less about the spooky. I thought this was sort of something all parents knew intuitively. I didn’t realize you suddenly had to have a great epiphany and finally realize life is not about what you do, but who you do it with.

Have you noticed she is always claiming the children tell her this or that, mostly having to do with supporting everything she does for the cameras, but we never actually hear them say it? Things that make you go “hmm.”