Recap: Kate spits up that Alaska Hospitality right along with her moose hotdog

"She bitched from the minute she got off the plane."

Coming up on Sarah Palin’s Alaska! In just one hour Kate single-handedly elevates the stupidest woman in the Republican Party and her entire family into the most-loved political dynasty since John Kennedy‘s Camelot. I’ve heard a lot of liberals who watched this episode are “mad” that they basically like Sarah Palin now. Haha, I love it.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm registered Republican, have been since I was 18. I voted for the McCain/Palin ticket, grudgingly so. Like many Republicans I think Sarah Palin is a total idiot. Her show however is either the most genius marketing idea she ever had, or this really is how she is. Or maybe both. She’s been nothing but an attentive, devoted mommy, a genuine person, a supportive wife, down-to-earth and, well, kinda adorable. And Sarah is as usual adorable as she goes gun shopping to help protect a “gal” she’s going to be “campin’” with. Ha. Most people wouldn’t mind just letting the bears have at Kate, but Sarah cutely wants to protect her.

After the gun shopping the Palins go hike a local mountain. They take a bunch of extended family members--cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents and such. Extended family? I don’t get why you would want to include your relatives in your life experiences. I think Sarah Palin gets her cuteness from her dad. “I’m lost, where am I?” Chuck shouts, even though he‘s surrounded by like a dozen family members. Ha. And I love that his name is Chuck. It just fits.

Like it’s a freaking living breathing Good Housekeeping magazine, after hiking Sarah then helps Piper with her homework, lovingly chiding her not to rely on a calculator for her math.

Sarah breaks the news that they are going camping tomorrow with Kate and her eight kids. Piper is just thrilled, giving a huge toothy smile and thumbs up. Don’t worry, Kate will wipe that smirk off her face in no time, hand sanitizer or not.

“We always get a kick out of introducing people outside of Alaska to what it is we do,” Sarah says. I just love people who say they get “kicks” out of things. It reminds me of my growing up years in rural America, which I‘ve been very nostalgic for lately.

Kate and the kids trudge up to the front door. They all look really exhausted. Presumably they just finished a grueling three days or so of shooting Kate Plus 8, so I don’t blame them.

Kate makes the most eye contact with Sarah she ever will in this entire episode, about 2.2 seconds worth. “So good to meet you!” she says in that fake way you might speak when you really don’t give a crap and probably have already forgotten the other person‘s name. What did you say your name was again? Sarah what-now?

Kate does realize this is thee Sarah Palin, right? Not just another random family they paid to go camping with like they paid that random family to go gold panning with a few days before?

2.2 more seconds later and the children are already destroying Sarah Palin’s personal property, attacking a bearskin and even ripping out the tongue. No one scolds them or even suggests they calm down a little, they are just allowed to have at it like little killer bees swarming their victim. Finally Kate tells them eh, you best put it back now.

Kate admires Sarah “for being a strong woman, who doesn’t back down, who doesn’t let the world’s opinion of her change her or get to her.” It’s obvious Kate thinks she’s just like Sarah. It’s obvious Kate also thinks that the whole world just one day decided it’s pick on Sarah Palin Day or pick on Kate Gosselin Day, randomly like that. It puts the blame on the world, and not on Kate, as usual. It’s the world’s fault, why wouldn’t it be?

Let me explain something to Kate. With the exception of a small minority of Palin “haters” who actually do hate her as a person, Americans, in general, hate Sarah Palin because of her absolutely stupid opinions on things like immigration, gun control, foreign policy (I can see Russia from my house!), and things like that. And many Republicans resent her because she helped lose the election and made our party look stupid. Get it? We hate her opinions, not her. We just don’t want a woman with straw for brains to actually be in charge of anything, or even second in line to be in charge of anything (my liberal friends are shouting fiftieth in line is not even enough.). Most people really don’t have a problem with what she does in her spare time, like climb mountains with her kids and help them with homework. Now unlike Sarah, people hate Kate because she’s a greedy, narcissistic celebrity-hungry hair extension-loving whore who has exploited every last dollar out of her precious kids’ childhoods, destroyed any chance at a normal life in so doing, and is now holding them upside down by their ankles and shaking out any last remaining change. The reason Kate is hated and the reason Sarah Palin is hated is like trying to compare Alaska to Hawaii--you really can‘t. They’re both “unattached” states but it stops there. You both have a reality show and it stops there, Kate.

Piper shows the children Sarah’s home studio. “My mom has another job, she goes on TV and talks to people,” Piper explains. I wait for Mady to say, My mom has another job, too. She goes to New York and spends our money on fried Barbie doll extensions. But they must have edited that out.

Kate thinks she and Sarah can understand each other because of the media scrutiny. Their lives are so vastly different Kate cannot even begin to comprehend what it’s like to be Sarah Palin, but sure, whatever. Gee willikers, Sarah sure is giving ole Kate there a lot of credit, “I think Kate and I probably have a lot in common. I know certainly we will put our children first!” Um. Sarah? Have you actually seen Kate’s show?

I kind of like that Sarah stuck in “probably.” It sorta implies she really doesn’t know that much about Kate at all, has only just heard they would probably get along. From what I’ve seen of Sarah, I think had she really known, she never would have agreed to this trip.

I’ll say this for Kate, she is very comfortable holding Trigg, doesn’t seem to feel any awkwardness about that. I really do appreciate that Kate got right in there with him. If we’re going to be honest, this can be hard for people who are not used to being around a special needs child, it’s not something I would judge anyone for if someone were uncomfortable at first, but Kate wasn‘t at all. Good for her.

Sarah says they leave the children with the nanny to go to “bear school.” What nanny? Because they definitely edited her out and made it seem like it‘s just Kate. Sarah opened her big fat Alaskan mouth and blew the cover on that one. If called out on that Sarah is totally the type to say, "Oops, did I say that?! I'm so sorry!" Only she would not be sorry at all. This woman should get in line for sainthood she's coming across so darn likable. She probably has a better chance at canonization than becoming president anyhow. The miracle she performed was putting up with Kate Gosselin for a few hours.

I wonder if they will learn how to steal a pic-i-nic basket at bear school! Just a little Yogi Bear joke. I always thought you should shout and act really big if a bear confronts you, that‘s what they told me at Yosemite, but the bear professor is saying something completely different. He wants you to talk quietly to them and then at some point get on your stomach, and if all else fails, there’s the guns. I don’t understand this, but this is why I don’t live in the wilderness.

Sarah spouts some nonsense about how Americans need to realize we need guns to protect ourselves from animals. Yes, Sarah, the 0.1% of Americans who are actually in any danger whatsoever of that probably do need guns. The rest of us don’t really need semi-automatics or grenade launchers or all the other deadly weapons available out there to ward off a snippy chihuahua or a cat being a brat. See this is why Sarah should just stick to being a normal person and not talk politics. I instantly get annoyed when she starts talking “issues.” I don’t want her to ever talk about any “issues” again so I can keep liking her.

Next at bear school they do some target practice outside. Kate pretends she is super uncomfortable with this, even though she was practically Annie Get Your Gun when she took the boys to Wyoming last year. I think she probably sings in her head Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better when it comes to the kids--she is not the type to let the children beat her at anything, be it an actual game, or even, having fun. We’ll see this later. Anyway, let’s put it this way, if she feels like flirting with her instructor she’ll shoot whatever you want her to. If she doesn’t, she’s demure Kate who has never shot a gun before and isn’t all that interested in learning. Kate, ironically, says she would do anything to protect her children including using a gun. Which is why it took her so damn long to finally plant those bushes in the front yard of the house. What was it, a year? Come off it, Kate.

Sarah says she feels a responsibility to protect Kate’s kids. Gee I’m glad someone in their lives does!
Kate and the kids head over with Sarah to Grandpa Chuck’s house. I wonder if the children asked Kate what a grandpa is. The kids absolutely adore Chuck, completely fascinated by all his Alaskan chotskies. Of course Chuck is the type of guy to not just show the kids a porcupine quill, but to actually stick his arm with it to demonstrate. Sarah is basically like, Dad, please! Ha. I love when grown-up kids have to reel in their parents, it‘s like this funny role-reversal thing. They go for a fun tractor ride, which almost makes me cry with nostalgia because that‘s what my grandfather always did, took us grandkids for a ride around the property on his tractor. There’s nothing like a grandpa, is there? I have never seen such a genuine smile out of Mady. Not for several years anyway. They need genuine people like this in their lives so badly. People of all ages.

Finally it’s the big day and it‘s raining. Sarah is all, it’s raining but if the family is together we’ll have a great time! Plus it’s so beautiful out there! Let’s focus on the family! Everything is perfect! Seriously, she says things are “perfect.” Do you kind of wonder if she is being extra cheerful and chipper just to piss Kate off? Like those people who talk about how wonderful their health is thanks to their stupid raw foods diet and drinking lots of water, when someone is just trying to tell them about their bowel problems and mind-splitting migraines. It’s kind of funny because I bet Sarah’s happiness did indeed piss off Kate.

Waa-waa, here comes Kate boarding the seaplane, head bent and shoulders slumped. It’s cold and rainy, bemoans the Grinch.

Back at the campsite, the Palins are setting up the tents and the fire and you half expect Jeremiah Johnson to saunter up with a bearskin draped over his shoulders.

“Are you kidding me?” Kate bitches as they get off the plane. “Doesn’t the lodge sound much more exciting to you?” Chuck gives her the hand. I’m serious, he gives her the talk-to-the-hand. It … is…. awesome. And makes you wonder how much bitching she did at Chuck’s house before, such that this old guy is already giving her the hand before she even gets to the campsite.


Cut to Sarah, who is literally snapping kindling in half with just her hands: Rain or shine Alaskans still have a most excellent time, I know I’m gonna enjoy this, she says happily. Ha! Go Sarah. Go Chuck, too. Oh, this is gonna be good. It already is.

Waa-waa, we forgot bug spray, says the Wicked Witch. Um, what? I have been camping dozens of times in many different climates, hot, cold, dry, wet, humid, sticky, and so on. And I have never once seen bugs out when it’s raining and this cold. Most bugs do not come out in the rain, it turns their wings all wet and they go kamikaze on you.

You’re gonna love this! says the Good Witch. What a story for your schoolmates back home!

“You really like this?” Kate questions Sarah rudely. In response, Sarah rambles on about fish and a great fire roarin’ and the mountains and everything is gorgeous!

Kate parks herself under a tent and stands there. This is where she will remain for the rest of the episode. I notice she is chomping away on her gum. I don’t think it’s really the rain that is bothering her. I think she is just on edge because she can’t go off with her boxed wine and her pack of Camels or she might get eaten by a bear and then who would exploit the kids? And also, she is very, very jealous of Sarah, who is wonderful with all the kids and has a perfect life and makes way more money than Kate.

Meanwhile the kids are incredibly engaged with Chuck and Sarah’s brother Chuck Jr. (love it, Chuck Jr.), exploring the environment. Salmon teeth, cool. They run over to show Kate their findings and Aaden is basically like, Fool, why you be standing there under the tent when the fun is out here? He doesn’t quite say it like that but he does want to know why Kate won’t come join them. Poor kid. There are only so many precious few years that your son wants Mommy to take part in the fun with him, and then it’s gone forever. Keep chomping that gum, Kate, while their childhoods waste away.

Alexis is loving fishing with Todd. Willow says the kids are having a great time. Of course they are. Adults are engaging them, that’s all it takes. Keeping kids happy just requires a few salmon teeth. Not money, not trips, not stuff. Just salmon teeth.

Back under the tent, Kate is complaining about non-existent bugs still. She has delusions of grandeur in addition to delusions of bugs. “Sorry I’m miserable, but somebody’s gotta be,” Kate deadpans. Wow. Actually, no, miserable people suck and should be thrown to the bears.

Sarah states the obvious, although since this is not obvious at all to Kate I’ll go over it for her benefit: “Kids will always have fun if they’re bein’ productive and helpful and pitchin’ in!” Sarah explains. Good Lord, who knew Mother of the Year 2010 should go to Sarah Palin of all people? It’s like a hidden talent, like discovering George Bush was a chess master in his spare time.

“This is cruel and unusual punishment,” Kate says as she paces like a caged lion. “I’m paralyzed.” This woman is so barking mad she is just talking nonsense at this point. Paralyzed, what? How insulting to people who really are paralyzed. It really is a wonder she wasn’t hauled off the set in a straight jacket. It was pointed out that Kate wouldn‘t turn the boat around in North Carolina when the children were practically laying in their own vomit. Because she had her little heart set on deep sea fishing. Now this time it’s the children who want to fish, and I think Kate should be made to stay on this trip even if her fingers fall off from gangrene. No worse than laying in your own vomit. Fair is fair.

Sarah goes on and on about how camping helps you unwind and that you need to remember what is really important in life. She is seriously just poking the crazy now, and it is the most hysterical thing I have ever seen anyone do to this woman. If Sarah can’t be president of this country, she can certainly be president of the Kate Haters hearts.

Meanwhile it’s like an episode of Romper Room over there, the kids are still having a wonderful time, now they’re making a map of Alaska out of rocks, and shortly after that they start making hot dogs and smores. This is so fun, this camping spot is luxurious! Sarah adds.

“It just kills me that people willingly do this,” Kate mutters. Where’s Steve anyway? She could cuddle up warm with him. That might stop her bitching.

You know it’s been widely speculated that Sarah and Kate were put together because the producers knew full well they were putting Kate in a situation where she would implode. Maybe so, and that’s fine. Except for the fact that eight children are involved and have to deal with her shitty fallout and have their fun times ruined. Eight children are having an amazing trip (with a possible future president, I might add, what a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity) and Kate is sucking the life out of it. If they want to put Kate in highly charged situations, send her mountain climbing with the Dali Lama, explore land mines with Angelina Jolie, I don’t know, sail around the world with Danny Bonaduce. But damn, could they please leave the kids out of it? Just leave the kids out of it.

Kate, who is apparently three-years-old, makes a big fat rude face at her moose hot dog and won‘t even try it. Making smores is so fun! says Sarah. There is actually an interview with none other than Barbara Walters in which Piper says her favorite food of her mom’s is moose hot dogs. So not only is Kate insulting something her host made for her, but she is also insulting Piper’s favorite food of her mom’s. Just as a general rule? Don't insult your host, at all. I bet Kate didn't know that was Piper's favorite food. What is just another insult to Kate turns out is actually a comment that could be devastating to a young child.

Sarah shouts at Todd to come join the cookout but he pretends he doesn’t hear her and just keeps fishing. Ha! I just love how men like him choose to deal with situations like these. The world needs more Todd and less Kate. Mady, whom Kate always claimed was not into this stuff, is, of course, having a ball, and chatters on as such. It is so refreshing that for once, the children are finally able to speak for themselves and not through the propaganda machine of Kate.

“We are not camping people, I’ll scream it from mountaintops!” Kate says tearfully. “Why would you pretend to be homeless? I don’t get it!” Kate? It’s not we. It’s you. Just you. Little old you.

There’s no paper towels, there’s no utensils, there’s no tables, there’s no hand sanitizer! What, does she require a silver tea service to eat a hot dog? Is she going to ring for Chuck to bring over the ketchup? Require him to wear a butler uniform too? Also, she could have actually contributed to the camp site and brought along paper towels, utensils, and hand sanitizer if that’s what she required. You know, she’s still chomping away on her gum. She just wants a cigarette, that’s all this really is. My best friend is, sadly, a smoker, and this is how she gets when she goes without it for a few hours. She’s an absolute sweetheart again once she gets her fix.

Kate is crying to production. Crying. She held it together as long as she could but she’s “done now!” She’s hungry! Kate, that’s what the hotdog was for! She throws something on the ground. Also, oddly, she says she has 19 layers on. Why not an even 20? Kate picks the oddest numbers when she exaggerates/lies. She also says her hands are freezing, and holds them up. Oh, she’s not wearing gloves. Which is probably why her hands are freezing.

I said this the moment this episode aired: Kate sets herself up to fail because she wants to fail. She never wanted to go on this camping trip because Sarah would be the star, not her, so she made sure it was absolutely miserable so that it would not succeed. Somebody ring for that straight jacket now, please.

Come on, it wasn't that bad, "geez," Sarah says. Sarah has gotten quieter now, but, haha! Look at her face!


Todd's still fishing? Ha. Sarah wanders over, confused. "Are you staying out here by yourself? Are you escaping?" she asks. She pauses a moment, then, "Now I get it. You're smarter than you look, honey!" Baw-hahahaha. Baw-hahaha. Oh, my God. Could we have like a co-presidency? Todd and Sarah together?

Meanwhile Kate is over with Piper. It's one thing to be rude to an adult but quite another to be rude to a child. "Is this what you do for fun?" Kate asks. "This is fun for you?" Bitch. If Piper were taller she might have done just that, bitch-slapped her.

"I like the rain," Piper says cheerfully. I love children. I love them because they are wired to make lemonade out of lemons. It's like they don't even understand that rain is a bad thing. I honestly think children as they get older are "taught" that things like rain are bad. We are born not knowing that. We are born with a natural affinity to have fun under any circumstances, and adults like Kate fuck that up as they raise us.
Piper, who was so thrilled to meet Kate, now gives her a look. She was once a sheeple, now is a hater. Welcome, Piper, welcome.
Chuck, bless his heart, tries to get Kate warm by the fire. And thank goodness he points out he never once heard the kids complain. Once. They had a ball.
Kate asks the children if they want to stay or go. "Actually, I do want to stay," Joel says. They all chime in they want to stay. Fine, says Kate, you're now a Palin not a Gosselin. I don't understand why this makes the kids so sad. Being a Palin sounds a hell of a lot more fun. I'm being facecious of course. What a cruel and heartless thing to say to a six-year-old.

Totally guilt-tripped, Alexis says fine, I'll go. Kate goes over to Sarah and says they're going to go. Oh, WTF!

How are you going to break it to the children? Sarah asks. I just adore that Sarah's first thought goes to the children. Kate's last thought goes to her children. This would be after money, Steve, hooker heels, sushi, hair extensions, manicures, being bitter at Jon who long got over her like two decades ago, cigarettes, and her personal comfort level. Then she might give a fleeting thought to the kids. Sarah and Kate awkwardly hug, not even making eye contact. Piper doesn't even want to walk them over to the seaplane. She shakes her head vehemently. She even calls her Mom to come back over. Love it.

Ironically, the weather clears. How metaphorcally awesome.

"She bitched the minute she got off the plane," Chuck remarks. Sarah is the classiest reality star to ever grace our screens. She is kind of like, come on now Dad if you put me out of my element in New York City on the red carpet I would probably do the same. Eh, I'm guessing not. I'm guessing she would say this is fun! Let's have a double latte and get a manicure just like all the rich folk do down in these parts! We can have family time at Susan Sarandon's ping-pong club after we're done here! Yup, that's Sarah.

A lot of people must think we're just a bunch of nerds playing charades and going camping, Sarah says. Sarah, give yourself some credit. I think you and your family are wonderful. I think you and your family get it. And someday when you are gone, I think charades with their Mom and Dad and Gramps out there camping in the wilderness is what your children will be so fondly remembering when they have grandkids of their own. That is what making a memory is really about. Sarah says kind of sadly that the Gosselin kids probably would have had a great time and remembered this forever. Yes, yes they would have. My heart aches for them and I can tell Sarah's does, too.

As the Palins finally go to bed, Sarah says, sweetly, "Goodnight, I love you."

"I have to pee!" Willow replies. Is she....making fun of someone here?

"That's enough, Willow!" Sarah retorts.

Ha! Sarah for president of our hearts.