Australia Adventure recap: Kate is a boomerang that just keeps coming back

Coming up on Kate Plus 8, or as Kate has renamed them, “the nine.” We get it, Jon is no longer part of this family and it’s all awkward to have him around just like the way it was awkward to have the sperm donor Mark Ruffalo around in The Kids Are All Right. For someone who has moved on from Jon, Kate sure will talk a lot about Jon in this eppy. The family is going to Australia and will camp again, and Sarah Palin is not there to steal the show being a better mother and overall kinder and sweeter person and all that nonsense, so naturally, it will work out just fine this time.

A lot of boring discussion about getting ready for Kate‘s dream trip to Australia because she wanted to see koalas. I think it’s cute how little kids don’t quite understand just yet the concept of time. How long did it take you to get there? someone from production asks the kids on the couch. “Like, one hour,” Leah says cutely. Aw. Kate reminds us that they were supposed to go to “Korea” a few years ago. Kate needs to double check the little globe she has the kids look at, as there is no such thing as “Korea.” I hope she’s not the one home schooling the kids, crikey. Kate neglects to add that mean awful Jon messed that whole trip up by stopping the show, but that’s certainly what she’s hoping we’ll remember.

“I don’t know any parent who would have the opportunity to send their kids on a trip that would say 'No, I don’t want them to go.' That‘s insane!” Kate says defensively with a dramatic sigh and roll of her eyes. “My kids were thrilled to go!”

Hi, Kate! Talking to us? I love how Kate completely, and I’m sure purposefully, misses the entire point. It’s not the trip itself anyone is against. I think Australia would be a great place to go and actually, probably way more geared toward younger kids than say, history-laden Europe. It’s exploiting the kids to get this trip and filming the whole darn thing, not to mention pulling them from both Dadd

y on his visitation holiday year, and out of school--that’s the big problem here. No trip is worth sacrificing a child’s every last crumb of privacy. You know what this is like? This is like you have

a crate of apples but you are told that they have worms in them, and Kate stands there rolling her eyes and passing them out to the kids saying, I don’t know any parent who wouldn’t want their kids to have a nice shiny healthy apple, they love them! No, Kate, it’s not the apples we are against--we just don’t want kids to get worms. She will never get it.

Also, Jon didn’t want them to go. This is a backhanded insult at Jon. How could any parent, much less their own father, not want his kids to be happy?! Because he doesn’t want his kids exploited, Kate. And also because it was his year to have them on this holiday and it’s just plain unfair to usurp that. Usurper! If Jon tried to take the kids on your holiday, you and your fans would raise Cain and you darn well know it.

Kate goes on to imply that the children wanted to go “100%” even though they would miss their daddy, the trip was worth it. She is very obsessed with Jon, and more defensive than a linebacker. Indeed, Linebacker U is just a little ways up the road, maybe she could be a walk on next season.

More boring packing, I’ve seen this same exact episode so many times I feel like King Sisyphus. Only instead of rolling a boulder up a hill I have to watch people pack suitcases the rest of my life. Oh, this absolutely takes the cake, Kate says that Ashley and their current babysitter went on the trip, but that the current babysitter would not be on camera “to protect them from the world.” What exactly is she doing to her kids then? How come a grown adult gets to be protected from the public eye, but not these precious kids? I also love how she fails to mention Steve-o went too. What, ashamed? It’s a little odd I don’t recall seeing the other babysitter in any of the paparazzi shots. Were the paparazzi instructed not to photograph her, too?

And they flew to Australia. The whole thing is about as boring as you might imagine a long flight like this would be. Poor Leah got a bloody nose, probably from all the dry air? Kate claims the kids slept through most of the flight and it was all no big deal. Once in Sydney they try to get into their van on the right side only to realize that is actually the driver’s side. Ha. Kate says “we’re backwards drivers” and I get this funny image in my head of Kate thinking everyone in Australia literally drives in reverse everywhere.

Of course she meant they drive on the left side of the road. I hope. Once on the bus, Kate “decided to let the kids call Jon” to let him know they arrived safely. I’m shaking my head at first, thinking how generous of Kate to let the children actually talk to their own father.

But then it is a tremendous relief to see that, surprisingly? Kate is able to have a civil, cordial conversation with Jon about how the flight went, the rough time change, and how they’re about to go get something to eat. So it’s not true they aren’t speaking as the tabloids tend to want to imply, I guess because that‘s far more dramatic. I cannot stress enough how important it is to be polite and kind to your ex while your kids are right there watching. Kate’s fans need to get on board that Kate clearly doesn’t hate this man, and if even she, the Queen of Stop Breathing, Jon! and so on, is at least able to be kind to him now, maybe they should just let it go? Look, is Kate obsessed with him, absolutely. Will she ever get over the way he tried to derail her dreams of riches and fame and get his precious children away from all that venom? Probably not. But she doesn’t seem to hate him anymore and she was actually quite civil to him here. She can talk to him. Hey, it’s a start. The kids are thrilled to call Daddy. Aww. Lots of “I love yous” and so on as they pass the phone around. Why any of this is a part of this episode and for what purpose I have no idea. This is their private conversation with Daddy, and it’s none of our business. Coming up, the beach and Mr. Speedo! Sweet.

We’re back on beautiful Bondi Beach. Joel is so bored he is slouched on the couch. Kate thinks it’s hysterical that they are going to the beach on New Year’s. Yes, it’s hot outside. That’s how it works in the Southern Hemisphere. Weird, maybe. Hysterical? I mean, I guess. I’m back to pushing my boulder again, watching the kids play on the beach.

What can really stink about being a celebrity, depending on how you look at it, is perfect strangers will approach you and start talking to you while you’re trying to do something with your family, as if you‘re an old friend they ran into. I experienced this working for a celeb and I found it incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. For instance we would be trying to go out to sushi to celebrate a birthday and perfect strangers think they have the license to just interrupt you while you‘re trying to eat. Even in the airport bathrooms while we were trying to just get the kids’ hands washed and then make our flight, they would come up to her and start yapping away. It’s very rude, and it’s hard on any kids there. Remember, Kate is these kids’ Mommy. She’s not a celebrity to them. And there are enough kids already who need Mommy’s attention not to add other people to the mix vying for it too.

Anyway, as expected random strangers are approaching Kate on the beach while she is trying to play with the kids. Sigh. Some mom with quads talks to her for awhile and, good grief, she said something about how Kate is her inspiration. Bernie Madoff should be your inspiration before this woman, come on now. The only thing worse than a man in a Speedo is a man in a Speedo who tries to talk to you. I know, I know, some people love those little things. But I don’t, and I’ll tell you why:

Because of that picture. I ... just ... can’t after that. I can’t. Mr. Speedo man so very rudely asks, “You don’t see Jon anymore?” Um, wtf! Even Kate seems rather annoyed with this question, heck, as she should be. I would have said none of your darn business, you f-ing creep, but Kate politely tells him, “They do, obviously.” I’ll give Kate credit, she has more patience with these freaks and creeps than I ever would. Maybe she was right all along about how "annoying" her fans are. They are.
Haha, this is great, Kate agrees with me! She says she and Ashley think Speedos should be outlawed! Amen. I hate to say it, but this is the second time this episode I kind of like how Kate handled herself. Number one, she was nice to Jon. And number two, she thinks Speedos have no business being on anyone at any time under any circumstances, much less the beach.
Cara gets to surf. Aw, good. Interestingly, Cara does not do one interview on the couch for this entire episode. Wonder if she doesn’t want to anymore. At least if that is the case, she is not being made to do them. Not that you can make a 10-year-old do anything. Next up, boomerang school. I like the metaphor here, boomerangs are just like Kate, we just keep trying to throw her away and she just keeps coming back. By this time Joel is completely reclined on the couch on his back, just stretched out across the entire couch. Poor guy, it‘s tiring having a full time job at six in addition to school! Coming up, New Year’s Eve meltdowns. Ugh.
New Year’s Eve party in the hotel. I don’t know, I find that kind of depressing to be celebrating in some strange hotel with no friends or family or anyone. The best New Year’s Eve I had ever was the year 2000. I was with my entire family at my grandparent’s house. And not two minutes after the ball dropped, my grandmother pulled out from nowhere a beautiful birthday cake for my cousin, who happened to be turning 16 that same day. She made a huge fuss over his birthday, she just didn’t want his big 16th birthday to be overshadowed by all the hoopla of the millennium. That’s just the kind of thoughtful amazing person she was and I will always, always remember that. We weren’t in a hotel or on some fancy trip, we were just at home with those we loved the most. And through her actions? She was teaching us kids about what it really means to be thoughtful and love your family. The whole evening probably cost $80 for the food. And that’s one of my best memories. Go figure.
Next up, they head over to the fireworks. Cara has a meltdown because she wants to sit next to Kate. Some of the other kids are crabby. Cara just gets worse and worse until Ashley has to take her to the bus. Kate clearly has no clue what to do. I think they’re just exhausted. Poor things. Naturally Mady gets wrapped up in this conflict like Kate always does to her. No clue what she did if anything, and even Mady is saying, quite desperately, “I didn’t do anything, I promise I didn’t do anything!” but she gets shipped off to the bus, too. Why is it that Mady is always being punished for absolutely no reason at all? Is it just bad editing? Alexis twists her knee and even had to go see the medic. She’s fine fortunately. The problem with Kate is she doesn’t know when to call it quits. With freaking anything. She will never quit her show. Her show will have to be ripped from her well-manicured paws. They stay for the entire show even though everyone was miserable.
Yawn, I’ve seen enough, but when I check my Tivo timestamp I realize I’m only halfway through! I can do it, I can do it. Kate goes shark diving, and it’s a two hour trip. Damage control time! Kate explains she couldn’t take the kids after the way they vomited on the boat trip in North Carolina. Or TLC just told her they could not explain away putting the kids through that again. Mercifully, the kids have a relaxing day at the beach with the nannies. Might I remind Kate even when her kids were puking their guts out, she refused to turn the boat around. But when she went camping in Alaska and she didn’t like it, everyone had to go straight back to the hotel. Whatever.
Kate is freaked out about this a bit; this is not my idea of fun either. Also I have a huge problem with baiting sharks to cages. They were out there eight hours and there were no sharks, which really disappointed Kate. Even the sharks knew to avoid this shrew. Kate does some deep sea fishing. She loves deep sea fishing, she says. When TLC pays, I’m sure she does! The following is such a textbook example of how a narcissist operates it bears a detailed recap. Kate arrives on shore with all the fish she caught, greeting the kids excitedly, like a kid herself. Look what I caught, look, kids! Collin is off the side, holding in his little hand what looks to be maybe a little bitty crab or something. “Mommy, look what we caught for you!” he replies animatedly. Kate flat out ignores him, going on and on about how she caught eight fish, one for each kid. By her own admission she has been gone more than eight hours. Not one single question about what they did today, how they are, what’s that you caught too, Collin? Just me, my fish, the sharks, and me some more. It is all about her, and very little is about the kids or their day. Very classic narcissism. Very sad, too.
Next up, they hang out with some aboriginals. Is this like those people who dress up as pilgrims at the Mayflower? Or is this the real thing? The briefly recap the utter disaster of the Sarah Palin camping trip. This time they’re going to go camping with the aboriginals. Now you might think, more whining and complaining and bitching from the moment she got off the plane, as Chuck would say, but nope, you are forgetting there is no competition here! Sarah Palin is all bundled up warm with the family up in Alaska in the dark, busy being a good Mommy, and is of no concern to Kate anymore. (Note: I still cannot get over that Kate walked out on someone who is quite possibly our next president.) You see, as long as it is all about Kate, she will do anything. She would smile while hacking off her own arm better than Aron Ralston ever did as long as it were all about her. I find it a little offensive TLC is putting all these subtitles up for the aboriginal talking to the kids. Sheesh, I understand him perfectly.
Well, at least the kids learned about the traditional musical instruments didjeridus. It’s dark now, but production is shining huge bright lights in the kids’ faces. No matter every other kid is home by now, relaxing and maybe doing some homework. These kids still have to work, even at night. As the aboriginal explains some more, both Collin and Joel turn away from the bright production lights and cover their eyes. Ouch, bright lights hurt. Reminds me of when Cara was rudely awoken by all the studio lights once, and production laughed at her. It’s not funny, you sick people. Here is a screen cap of the boys. Unfortunately my DVR is not set up on my LED at the moment, but you can tell even from this low quality screenshot anyway what‘s going on:

Camping goes well. “I think it was really good for the kids to see my positive attitude. When the conditions are right camping is great,” Kate says. And by conditions, she means, no future presidential candidates who are good mommies around. Sadly though, what her kids are learning, is to be spoiled. Have fun when things are just right, and don’t make the best of things when things aren’t perfect. It has to be said.
The kids loved it, says Kate. Well, they loved it in Alaska, too. “I think I’ll just leave them here,” she jokes. Why is she always joking about abandoning her children? It’s weird. Like people who joke about killing others. Stop that. Kate prattles on about how camping in Alaska was oh so very different, but this time it was great. I think I learned maybe two remotely useful things about Australia in this entire episode. Thanks The Learning Channel! I've learned a lot from you over the years:


And as we come to a close … wait, where are Australia’s own favorite exploited kids, Bindi and Robert Irwin? Oh, no, this means there will be another episode squeezed out of this whole boring trip? I’m reminded of Betty White, who said so accurately about Facebook, “Who wants to look at vacation photos? In my time, that was called torture.” Betty, I still call this torture!
Kate claims the kids thanked her a million times. Funny we didn’t see even one time of that. And wait a minute, shouldn’t Kate be thanking the kids? Thank you for giving up your time with Daddy, thank you for missing school, and thank you for paying for all this grandeur. After all, she didn’t make this lifestyle possible, her eight innocent children did.