Recap: New Zealand: A library card will get you there too

Coming up on Kate Plus 8! Kate is mad at some paparazzi standing behind a fence taking photos of the kids. You see they were invading the kids’ privacy. She really is a complete lunatic, isn’t she? More on this later.

Kate doesn’t even bother anymore to explain that Steve is her bodyguard, as if he’s become that immersed in the family now. I’m surprised the kids don’t call him Uncle Steve or Steve-a-rino or S-Dog or something. She says that Steve has taught them a lot about New Zealand, his homeland, and they had to go. Also, a good opportunity to meet the parents, eh, mate? Are we gonna see that? Because that might actually be remotely interesting. Especially the part where Kate (allegedly!) tries to give his parents a photo of Steve with the kids and his parents were basically like, “um, creepy!”

Kiwi House. A kiwi is a bird with no arms, according to Kate. Oh, that would be all birds then? Not counting Big Bird.

The Kiwi House is another zoo? No, please, make it stop. I was hoping it was at least maybe a bed and breakfast or something, just to mix it up. I'm beginning to wonder if production thinks zoos are the only activity that appeal to kids. How patronizing. There are a few paps there. I think paps are violating their privacy to show up here, and I also think production is violating their privacy to film these kids as incessantly as they do. One and the same to me. Kate is mad because their zoo tour guy is just trying to get on with the tour and is ignoring the paps. She thinks he doesn’t understand that there are paps there, right there, trying to take pictures of me, me, little ole me! Actually, Kate? I think this zoo guy is just trying to keep things quiet and normal for the kids and not throw a big hissy fit about it, make a scene, and embarrass the kids and himself.

The kids for their part are pretty much ignoring the paps, which they must have learned to do by now. Only Kate is freaking out. She puts on a big dog and pony show about trying to get away from the paps. And the biggest irony yet? At one point some of the paps pushed and cursed, and why? Because a production assistant was trying to block their way! One person violating the children’s privacy is, with a straight face, trying to block another person doing the same thing? Isn’t this sort of like friendly fire? Kate really doesn’t see the irony, does she? She's split so many hairs in this conversation no amount of conditioner can help her.

Kate says some people don’t value their privacy. I agree, Kate doesn’t value this family’s privacy one stinking bit. She can't even break away for 10 minutes from tweeting all about their private lives. By the way, take a look at Kate’s official Twitter account profile pic. Yup, it’s a pap photo. She even said so. Homework assignment for Kate: In 500 tweets or less, please explain why this is not the most ridiculous double standard you’ve ever heard in your entire life. Begin.

Next up, some boring caves. Something about some glow worms. Well, at least Ashley's noggin hasn‘t completely solidified to jello like her employer's--she explains to everyone what stalactites/stalagmites are. Kate takes this as a sign home schooling is a great thing, i.e., further justifying the suspension of her two little ones. I love how suddenly Steve is allowed to be shown on film when he’s been just sort of lurking around the edges of the shots all the other episodes of this show. Only when they show him? He’s back waiting at the van! Ha, he really is like a real daddy. A daddy in the doghouse.

They take a slow boat ride through the cave and the glowworms really do look like stars in the sky, this is actually really fantastic.

Next up, a “controlled descent” off a building, called SkyWalk. This is not bungee jumping at all and I have to say, I don’t see anything dangerous about this. It was far more dangerous, no, downright reckless, to dump the six-year-olds in the elephant pen to give wild animals manicures. The same exact month they went to New Zealand a Tennessee zoologist was killed by an elephant. Yeah.

Most of this segment is all about how Kate and her stupid brain went back and forth about whether to do this, and very little about how fun this was for Cara, Mady and the rest of the kids. Me, me, some crying, me again, more crying, etc. It is hard to spot a scene over the past three episodes in which Cara is not standing off to the side, scowling and crossing her arms. I don’t blame her. Nothing is about her, it never was, and unfortunately, it never will be unless she someday decides to cut out the toxic people, or you know, person, from her life.

Cara suits up in this orange jumpsuit. “I look like I’m going to jail,” she jokes. Aw, funny. I hate to tell her this but she already is in jail, and Kate is the warden who will never retire. We could lend her a Rita Hayworth poster and a rock hammer, but everything else we've tried has fallen on deaf ears. It took that guy 20 years to scrape his way out but he did get out, there is hope I guess. Kate is crying in the bathroom, making sure even if Cara tries to steal just a tiny bit of our hearts with a cute joke, that it’s still all about Kate.

Kate, Ashley, Steve and the twins gather up on this platform. Kate is being extremely foul to Brad, the guy helping them jump. She even claps at him. I thought that was only reserved for Jon, maybe she secretly likes Brad? Kate even admits she was “mean” and “rude” to him. Although I don’t hear an apology in any of that. She later admits that she needs to apologize to Brad for her atrocious behavior. She has his contact information, but of course, has not gotten around to it yet. She really says this. Like, she couldn’t apologize to him after she jumped? Or at least while still in the same country as him? She’s just going to be rude, film it all, air it for our entertainment, and get around to apologizing to this poor guy if his business card didn’t get lost in the folds of her suitcase somewhere? Crikey.

Look, I would be scared shitless to do this too, but that’s no excuse to be rude. Also, think about it, why would you be rude to the person who’s holding your life in their hands? Just a little common sense, Kate.

Brad is basically like I could explain the mechanics of this to you all day but it doesn’t change the fact that you have to move now. Kate then goes crying to Steve, who looks very annoyed with her and as usual is not indulging her or any of her crap for one second. “You’re wasting time!“ he tells her firmly. Their relationship has always been bizarre. Anyone else who doesn’t put up with Kate is sent to the black hole, why not Steve? Cara seems embarrassed at this scene as any 10-year-old would, and Ashley is outright staring 180 degrees off to the side pretending she doesn’t even know this family anymore. Ha, that doesn’t work so well on such a narrow platform. For as glamorous as her job may seem to some naive people, a nanny has moments like this sometimes when you work for narcissistic celebrity divas, and … wish you didn‘t.

Kate tells Brad, “If I’m a paying customer I should be able to do five feet or not! Who do I talk to?!” Well, that is a big if, because Kate must have forgotten she’s not a paying customer at all, the kids are. Idiot. Oh, my God, I love Brad. He snaps back, “Unfortunately if you’re a paying customer, then you would have gone back inside a long time ago, we wouldn’t of had this much time.”

Essentially Brad is confirming that she did not pay, someone else did (TLC, obviously), and he has indulged her with this ridiculous celebrity special treatment long enough, so, forget you, lady, there are other more deserving people in line here. Thank you, Brad. Someone with some sense emerges in this whole fiasco.

Finally everyone but Kate and Steve jump. More crying from Kate. “I don’t want to let my kids down!” she sobs. Gimme a break, you just didn’t want any of this to be about anyone else, much less Mady and Cara. Of course she jumps, did anyone actually expect her not to? When she lands she literally balls up on the ground racking with sobs. It goes on forever. The kids are like, wwwhat? She is scaring them. Good grief what a performance. It was too fast, Aaden suggests helpfully. Like he actually thinks Kate is being sincere, how cute. I truly admire these kids and how supportive they are of this complete lunatic they have to live with. They are good kids. I guess Kate finally peels herself away from the landing strip and Steve jumps, but we don’t see it.

Next up, they ride horses. This is a bit odd--Kate says they’ve all ridden before except the three little girls. Did she forget the episode where she took Hannah to ride a horse? It’s sad I remember more things about these children than she does. The paparazzi are here, too. It was so bad the horses were getting a bit spooked. So, a horse is scared by paparazzi hundreds of feet away, but not by all the production crew with their boom mics and lights and cameras right up in their noses? Not buying that.

Finally, they visit a Maori village in New Zealand. Kate claims this is educational, but I’m not learning much, all I see are kids running in and out of the replica houses.

“Like, who has a chance to learn about the Maori people in New Zealand?” Kate waxes poetically. I don’t know, Kate, anyone who can get a library card?

“This was pure education,” she goes on smugly. “I mean this was like our own Gosselin field trip across the world.” Well, field trips usually do involve missing school as long as you have a signed permission slip.

As long as we’re talking about education, I think it’s time we take a peek inside the educated-ish brain of Kate Gosselin. The one she has been revealing to us over the past few weeks on Twitter. Seat belts please. And helmets. And possibly a Hazmat suit.

Here is Kate’s brain on narcissism.

And here we are learning about all the birds of the world.

Next up, Geography!
History time, where we learn about important Mythological figures, like Crazy Horse!

Make sure you leave time for play. I'm gonna find me a man on this Twitter thing!

Although in fairness, with 1,000 tweets already, only about 9% of them are truly idiotic and maybe just 7% really dangerous. That's not bad.

Some geysers. Kate is amazed. I’m surprised she has the capacity to admit the kids couldn’t care less about the geysers. Kids often don’t care about the things you do, and most of the time it feels like Kate doesn‘t have the slightest understanding of that. Some hot mud. It was hot, says Hannah. A ceremonial Maori dance. Yawn, I’m still waiting for Kate to explain how I can donate to the koalas. Website, address, e-mail? Telegram? Joel gets picked to dance. He doesn’t want to do it, but he is a good sport. About a lot of things, these kids are good sports.

Kate goes on about how you need to enjoy every minute of trips. What she really needs is to enjoy every minute of her kids and get off her damn Twitter account. This is over? Where does she get to meet Steve’s parents??? Strap this lady to a lie detector, kiwis, go for it!