Recap: Philly Fun! See how educational-ish Philly is. Our sediments exactly!

Coming up on Kate Plus 8! Kate flirts with some Founding Fathers statues, they go to a bug museum and she shrieks and runs away. Run, Kate, don’t come back!

Predictably so, “Philadelphia!” the kids scream on the couch. Yawn, that’s how every episode begins these days. Alaska! Australia! New Zealand! Hm, I have some places I’d like to send Kate. Egypt! Libya! Abbottabad, Pakistan! One can dream, can’t one? Come now, we already know how this episode will turn out. Philadelphia!! Sandwich in some shrieking and crying in between, end with Kate claiming how thankful and appreciative the kids were she took them to place A., B., or 3., and that’s your show. Done.

Eh, you want more? Ugh. Okay, Kate says they wanted to go on an adventure close to home and she had never taken the kids to Philly. Translation, TLC was looking for a quick, cheap trip for some filler episodes and Kate doesn’t take her kids anywhere unless she is paid. You know for all the places they have been to, it’s downright sad they haven’t been to Philly.

Update: A savvy viewer reminded us they certainly have been to Philly before, and here is the video proof. For all Kate's harping on making memories, Kate cannot even remember she's taken the kids here before.

I have been there once and since I’m a huge history nerd, mostly I did the Independence stuff, but I did get to a Phillies-Dodgers game too which was fantastic. Actually, if you want to feel better about Kate, manager Frank McCourt might just be more financially reckless than her if you can believe this. MLB had to take over the team for pity sake sort of like how TLC had to take over Kate’s Twitter-Twatter. McCourt’s been so bad with the Dodgers’ money the players are probably going to have to line up for their own reality shows to make ends meet now. Embarrassing.

Anyway, between this and Gettysburg, not to mention D.C. and New York only a few hours away too, Pennsylvania is a wonderfully central place to grow up for access to great educational, economical weekend trips.

They arrive at the nice hotel with Kate’s friend Jamie, and Kate immediately shouts at everyone not to touch anything. Even in the hotel they can’t touch things? It must stink to be made to live your entire life like you are a visitor to the Mona Lisa at The Louvre.

And for a brief moment, we get a taste of the original, halfway decent concept of this show, which was a normal family raising two sets of multiples including sextuplets--as Kate tries to arrange a bunch of bulky roll-aways in the room. She smashes a table with one of the beds, which is actually kinda funny--anyone who has ever tried to cram too much of a family into a small hotel room can relate to this. More of this spectacle and less of the shrieking crap, please.

Aw, some of the kids have eczema. That’s the worst. Though why in the world we should know something so personal and somewhat embarrassing about the kids God knows. Kate lathers their hands with medicine and then puts socks over them. At first I thought this was some kind of bizarre way to ensure none of the kids will unlock the door and escape Kate in the middle of the night. Kate Plus Seven or Six just won’t do. But I suppose it’s actually the best way to moisturize the poor thing’s little paws. Joel says he lost his other sock at Daddy’s. Uh-oh. I wait for Kate to make a knock at Jon somehow like how he always makes them lose everything including almost their T.V. show because he‘s a mean, awful Daddy, but mercifully, she controls her relentless obsessed parental alienation tendencies just this once and holds back.

“Do you mind wearing a dirty sock? Can you take one for the team?” Kate asks as she puts a dirty sock on Joel’s hand.

“Sure,” Joel replies sweetly.

“Thanks. Do you know what that means?” Kate asks.

“No,” Joel replies.

Aw, he’s the sweetest. Kate has such, such sweet kids. Will she ever understand it’s the morally wrong thing to do to piss away their precious childhoods?

Here’s an interesting tidbit about eczema. There is a very prominent theory that the cause of it? Is actually an environment that is too clean. In other words, you need to expose your skin to a variety of little boogers and dust mites and so on in the air to build up immunity. Sort of like that theory that asthma or allergies are caused by not being exposed enough to the big bad world. Hey, in third-world countries allergies are almost non-existent, there’s no denying this. Interesting to think Kate’s neat-freak attitudes might have caused this nuisance of a condition.

First up the next day, the Ben Franklin walking tour. Oh, the kids should be familiar with him as his face is on every 100 dollar bill they’ve ever earned for their mom. As is common in a lot of historical areas of East Coast cities, there’s some guy dressed up acting like Ben Franklin to give the tour. I’ve always found people that make dressing up like this their life’s work a little weird, but also fun I guess. Has anyone been to Plymouth? The people who dress up as the pilgrims there really sell it. For instance, if you try to talk to them about T.V. they ask you, Aye, what is that? The experience is, um, well, intense to say the least.

Philadelphia is, “the City of Brotherly … ?” Ben Franklin asks.

“Show!” Kate replies. Oh, brother. Show? How does that even make sense? Come on, Kate, even if you don’t know this independently, tell me you’ve at least heard that fantastic Neil Young song, you know the one nominated for the Oscar and all that.





Are the kids twins? Ben Franklin asks. He acts like this is the first time he noticed that more than one kid here might be the same age as another. I guess Ben Franklin was not known for being very observant? I mean he is a guy. “Sorta,” Kate replies, but Ben has walked away by now really not caring. Like a guy, again. Ha.

Ben marches them along on a walking tour of Philadelphia but mostly it’s a voiceover of Kate telling us they learned historical stuff. They pass by an inscription of the Preamble to the Constitution on some building somewhere, couldn’t tell you what or where. “We the People, of the United States of America,” (sic) Kate begins. She smiles goofily. “And so forth, waa-waa-waa.” I memorized it in 10th grade! Kate says. And never forgot it, Kate? Where’s Andy when you need his help?! He could have prompted her through this.





Next, the liberty bell. But I’m more interested in all the block lettering on the bottom of Joel’s sock as he waves his foot on the couch. What’s that? FREE JOEL???

The National Constitution Center. Which is sort of an interactive kid friendly history place. Kate literally races to the doors, even in her heels, yelling at the kids to “come on”! Why are they running up to a museum like it’s the final leg of the relay race in Munich? Maybe production is on a tight schedule? I think it’s a bit uncouth to run in public, especially at a museum. But couth is certainly not the first word that comes to mind when I think of Kate.

Kate tries to get excited about some tidbit about the Supreme Court, but naturally the exhibit that interests Kate the most is the little mini presidential podium that you can stand behind and get your picture taken. Like a bee buzzing around the prettiest flower, or the monkey who likes the ball that lights up the best. I’m proud to say I once got to stand behind the real presidential podium and take fun photos in the press room at the White House when I was an intern in D.C. They are very nice about letting journalism interns come in all summer, they just do a quick run of your background and you're in. You see if you work hard and stay in school and don‘t miss a bunch of days for vacations, there are a lot of opportunities out there for young people and a lot of generous people out there who will open doors for you, literally. And you don’t need a reality show, or even to be independently wealthy, to get there. I eventually chose law over journalism, but it was exciting while it lasted and is proof there are many other ways to be quite successful besides selling yourself or your family.

Oh … my, Joel doesn’t know who Obama is. I see that private prep school education is really educating-ish. Look, I’m not expecting six-year-olds to start rattling off the Gettysburg address or reciting pi, but sorry, they should know the name of the sitting president. All the educational-ish trips in the world and they don’t know about President Obama. Kate gets behind the podium giddily for pictures, apparently not very concerned the kids don‘t know who usually stands behind the podium in real life.

“Me being the next president?” Kate says with an evil laugh. “We’ll leave that to Sarah Palin.” Oh, you mean Sarah Palin of Alaska, quite possibly our next president at least until Obama got Osama, that future president you couldn’t let your kids spend one evening with they would have remembered the rest of their lives, because it was too cold and wet? Was it as cold in Alaska as it was in Philly on your walking tour where Jamie was jumping up and down to keep warm? A door was opened to these kids up there in Alaska and Kate slammed it shut.

“Is any of these guys single?” Kate asks as they go into a room full of statues. I don’t know, is they? Kate decides these are her “boyfriends.” She asks one if he’s married. Hm, wouldn’t that be “statue”-tory rape? She goes on and on about how a statue would be a great boyfriend pretty much ignoring the kids the entire time. This is funny I guess, for a bit. But she won’t stop and it rapidly becomes creepy. Rapidly.

Commercials. Oo, a promo for Extreme Couponing, which is a really fascinating show, surprisingly. I never expected to feel anxiety watching some stranger's thousand dollar grocery bill slowly tick down to under ten bucks. Eek, will they make it? Go, go, go. Ahh, the cash register just crashed! More extreme couponing, less extreme child exploiting!

Next, this “Farmer’s Market-y Thing.” I feel like I’ve been here. Yes, I have. Only I called it by its actual name, the Reading Terminal Market. This is where I wasn’t feeling very well and couldn’t eat much, which was a huge bummer since I had really craved an authentic Philly cheesesteak for months. I actually got salmonella poisoning in Philadelphia, but don’t worry, I’m pretty positive I first picked it up in Africa because I had just come back from there two days prior. Long story, but I can definitely not recommend Philly cheesesteaks when you’re trying to deal with salmonella. Fortunately my family was very supportive and understanding about me being sick with something that yucky on vacation, and we actually left a day early because I was just going downhill rapidly and really needed to see my doctor at home and not go to some strange hospital in Philly. Would Kate leave something a day early because a child is sick or would they press on? Sadly, we know the answer to that.

The kids make pretzels and eat them, Kate is being bossy and annoying. Please pass the boxed wine and tip it, I can barely type at this point. The only remotely cute part is when Alexis says “I can’t say cima-mim. Cima-mim.” Aw, that is a hard word.

After this absolutely jam-packed day, they head to an evening hockey game. Kate admits she has absolutely no interest in hockey but production lined this up (I.e. for free) so sure, why not?

“I don’t like sports,” Mady gripes on the couch. Poor Cara literally looks so bored she is tearful. Wait, is she okay? She is all balled up on the couch looking so sad and not saying anything, how heartbreaking. Sheesh.

Kate has moved on to actual living breathing humans and she and Jamie are now checking out the hockey players for potential dates and flat-out ignoring the kids. Hm, that might work; if Kate tries to tell Mr. Hockey Man to stop breathing or scratching, he could body check her.

A producer asks her if she would do online dating. “Like, I can’t do anything online! I can’t even print. I don’t have faxability,” Kate says. She can’t do anything online? Well, she can certainly tweet. One-thousand, eight hundred and twenty-five tweets to be exact in the three weeks she’s been online. So which is it? She can’t do online, or she can? Oops, they should have edited out that lie after Kate signed up for Twitter. Egg, meet face.

Anyway, why are we talking so much about Kate dating? Is this really appropriate given that her kids will be watching this? I feel like I am being groomed for a dating show, if they decide to go that way. Perhaps they could revive MTV’s singled out with Kate front and center keeping or dumping them. That was a decent show. You start with a group of 50 men and you have to dwindle it down to 1 by asking questions, only you can’t see them. It would be funny to throw Jon in the mix of 50 and see if Kate accidentally dwindles it down to him--tee-hee.

Is that a whole-wheat rice cake Kate is eating at the hockey game?? What a buzz kill she is. At least the kids were permitted hot dogs. Sportsification, says Kate. Shoot me, says I.

They arrive at the Insectarium, and next door is a bug extermination place. Ha, I love ironies like that! I could have just seen this part of the episode and been completely satisfied and ready to hit the bars.

Did they clear this entire museum just for them? There is absolutely no one else there. This is all very boring, but I do notice Mady is getting so pretty lately. Lately she reminds me so much of the pretty Vivien Cardone from Everwood.

Everwood was hands down the best-written drama ever to grace the WB. It really had no business being there it was that well-done.

Steve offers Kate 100 bucks to hold a tarantula, and actually lays the bill on the counter. Sheesh, moneybags! And what a Daddy thing to do, dare Mommy to do something gross. We are also being groomed for a possible Kate Plus Steve spinoff, too. They are keeping their options open. I think a better use of this money is for Steve to divide that 100 bucks by eight and give it back to the kids.

Shrieking, crying, screaming, and all else that is so attractive by Kate. According to Kate, Jamie said oh well we could go shopping tomorrow with the 100 bucks. And it doesn’t sound like Jamie was joking actually. Um, don’t they have to watch the kids? And since Steve is making this money babysitting Kate, and Kate is making her money exploiting the kids, shouldn‘t this money rightly just go directly back to the kids? Or maybe even Steve's own two kids, who are so frequently without their dad. Steve holds the spider first. Hey look, Steve chomps his gum like a cow, too. They have so much in common. Then Kate holds the spider for a few seconds, then runs away.

The guy at the museum wants the kids to eat some cheesy bugs, but Kate tells the kids they can’t, no. Aw, why? This is fun. They’re having fun. They want to try new things. You're not fishing a cockroach out of the bathroom sink, these bugs are perfectly safe and a great source of protein and I say if a kid wants to, let him. But that’s Kate for you. She makes her kids do the most ridiculous things and doesn’t care if they are stomping and ticked off through the whole thing, but if it’s something they actually want to do, like hang out in Alaska with Sarah Palin or eat a bug, they’re not allowed. The only thing I can think of to explain this is because she knew she physically couldn’t manage to eat a bug, and thus wouldn‘t get attention, but she knew the kids would do it and she couldn’t stand the attention would be just on the kids.

Next, the Benjamin Franklin Institute. Anyone exhausted yet? A giant human heart replica, which is a great idea. The kids want to go through it again, but Kate won’t let them. Why, why? An airplane, and a flight simulator. Cara and Mady don’t want to go into it with Kate, but eventually Mady agrees to it. Cara is still balled up on the couch looking sadder than ever.

“I love your show!” some complete strangers shout at them. Wtf. Other people take pictures. Steve has to hold some lady back who is approaching them. Gross. What sounds like some younger girls shout how pretty Kate is and they love her hair. Do any of these creepy fans think about the kids standing right there when they are shouting at this Mommy? Yeah, didn't think so.

“Who would want to be in the middle of a room having your picture taken by two million people while you’re stressed out?!” Kate cries.

No one, Kate. Which is why the vast majority of us would never, ever put ourselves or our kids on a reality show. And even if we did, we certainly would have taken them off years and years before it ever got to this horrifying point.

“It’s like we’re an exhibit! I feel like we’re an exhibit!” Kate goes on. That’s because they are an exhibit, thanks to Kate.

“It would be fun if it was empty but this is not fun,” Kate gripes further. What does she expect to do, go through the rest of their lives evacuating buildings in their wake? Get a dose of the real reality here, Kate. This is the world they live in, it’s not realistic to clear it out like they are the giant in Jack in the Beanstalk stomping through it. And she has made it a terrible place for her kids. And further, she has got to stop this madness to have even a chance at getting some normalcy back. And stop it yesterday.

Kate claims the kids are not aware of all the stress of being closed in by fans. “They were not affected!“ she announces. Wow, I completely disagree. Kate is completely delusional. She thinks she can say things and it will be true. There just ain't a magic potion that does that I'm afraid. Just look at their solemn faces during all this drama. Mady, bless her precious heart, has her arm around Alexis comfortingly. They know full well what is going on here. Kids know way more than Kate thinks, these kids especially. And this just speaks to how utterly elementary Kate’s understanding of her own children is, and child development in general. Stop patronizing the kids, it’s not attractive.

Kate and Jamie divide the kids up, picking them like sports teams (weird) and go to two different rival Philly cheesesteak places. Mady just wants a salad. I don’t blame her, I hate cheese whiz. I always used to get a cheesesteak with provolone, much better. Of course Mady is made to eat a cheesesteak. Cara has never looked more over this. There is a lot of boring discussion about which place is better. If I ever go back there I’ll just make my own decision, thanks.

Finally the Rocky stairs. A local Philly reporter who watched this filmed said the kids were made to run up the stairs multiple times, but we only see it once. Kate also specifically says nobody fell, but the reporter said one of the boys did actually fall.

It was a fun, exciting, educational trip, Kate says. Educational, huh? In closing, let’s just take a quick peek back into the brain of a narcissist:

I can’t tweet anymore because I, uh, I lost my phone. I mean the battery died, I mean no cell phone service. The cable is out. The dog ate it.


Who is our president? Who cares?!

My sediments exactly.