Recap: Kate's (drunken, slobbery) Night Out

Coming up on Jon and Kate Plus 8. Wait, that’s not Jon. Either that or he just got a lot blonder. Kate is sharing the couch with Jon 2.0, otherwise known as BFF Jamie. Is this anything like one of the top three ways a show jumps the shark? By this I mean, “same character, different actor.” (The other two are “they get married” and “Ted McGinley joins the cast”). Except when most shows replace a character, they at least try to hire someone of the same gender.

Jamie is literally looking into Kate’s eyes and rubbing her shoulder as they giggle girlishly about Jamie joining her on the couch. Weird. Jamie feels that Kate deserves a surprise birthday party because “she never gets time for herself.” No, this is really what she says.

Baw-hahahaha. Baw-Hahahaha. Has Jamie actually ever seen any paparazzi photos? Specifically the near daily mani-pedi, hair extensions, and tanning bed shots we used to get? Or maybe does she follow Kate’s tweets? She’s on Twitter all day long talking about herself and all the time she is getting for herself. I’ve pretty much concluded all Kate does is eat, use the restroom, Twitter, and get time for herself. More time than most moms could ever dare dream of in a lifetime.

Jamie and Ashley drive up to the house pretending this is all going to be a big surprise for Kate. They are truly terrible actors, no offense. They spend a torturous amount of time explaining to Kate they are going to NYC for a surprise party. Hey, I have the same Ray Bans as Kate, gold frames and brown lenses, slightly oversized and bowed around the face. I really love them and I’m not going to let Kate ruin them for me. I will not!

Kate’s bedroom looks like a Ramada Inn. Both in the choice of new money furniture and with all the luggage everywhere. In one breath Kate will say she practically lives out of a suitcase, and just a short minute later, she will claim she has been home more than ever this year. So, which is it? Suitcase or home? Apparently Kate wears fake eyelashes? She calls from the bathroom she’s putting them on.

They wanted to take a town car to NYC so they could talk. They can’t talk while they drive? Dumb as they are, maybe they find this to be like patting their heads and rubbing their bellies? I actually think they wanted to take a car because they’re divas and it makes them feel diva-ish. And also, they want to get smashed. Kate says of course they will take a car as she never drives to NYC. “The life of a princess,” Jamie replies. Ha! Well, I agree with that!

Oh, nice, they’re drinking even before they leave, right there in front of the kids. Kate makes some kind of raspberry margarita concoction in a blender. In college we called this pre-gaming. But by the time you are 35 this is called alcoholism.

Some of the kids are upset Kate has to leave. Cara is sobbing and naturally they zoom in on her big fat tears. I mean, why would a child being upset be a private moment and a reason to turn off the cameras? Kate says the less she is away the more the kids are upset when she leaves, and actually, I tend to agree with that assessment. Children adapt to a parent who doesn’t give a crap, and adapt right back if that ever changes. I get the yucky feeling Kate will use this reasoning to justify being away more. Instead of reassuring Cara, Kate scolds her telling her, “Come on!” and then reminds her of birthday trips Kate took Cara on before. Oh, you mean filmed working birthdays? I remember those.

Some boring talking in the car, but mostly just more drinking. When they finally arrive in NYC, it’s dark out. Kate’s eyes look glassy and as she chomps on some gum, she mutters, “Hi, what hour of the day is it? What year is it?” Well, I would say that was some successful pre-gaming.

Commercials. Adam Sandler’s new DVD is out Just Go With It. I think Adam Sandler movies are for the most part rather silly and not my cup of tea, but he is yet another celebrity who lives a normal, quiet, unpretentious life. He once asked if he could join an ultimate Frisbee game some of my guy friends were playing at the beach, and they said he was so friendly and pretty athletic. And coincidentally, just last week another one of my other friends ran into him riding bikes with his kids, and when my friend said, “hey, I know you,“ Adam Sandler stopped to chat with him for a couple minutes. Adam Sandler doesn’t act like he’s a celebrity, rather, he sincerely just wants to be another one of the guys.

We’re back. And the next day we’re at Ted Gibson’s salon. Kate is complaining they had to wait 15 minutes for the stylist to start on them and she could have been sleeping. Just a tad ungrateful, no?

Back at the house, one of the kids is coughing pretty badly. But don’t you know sick kids have to work anyway? I like Ashley right now. She says the kids have a very structured schedule and they need a break and should just have fun this weekend. I couldn’t agree more. Between school and filming and being shuffled back and forth between their parents so much, these kids work like dogs. Irony is, they are the ones who never get time for themselves, not Kate. Ashley has silly string for them, spray-on hair colors, and other fun stuff. It should be noted that the children were just being normal kids, and Ashley actively engaged them in all this mayhem. I really dislike the implication from the promos for this episode that it was some kind of when Kate’s away the mice play/kids gone wild scenario. Not at all.

Ashley spray paints the kids’ hair different fun colors and you can tell the kids just adore such unstructured free playtime; they are literally desperate for this kind of thing. Next, fun with toilet paper in the basement. These kids are really so cute when they’re not around Kate and allowed to just be free.

Back at DivaCuts, Kate and Jamie talk about all the fun they’re going to have tonight, as they get their hair done on the kids‘ dime--mind you, while the kids are at home, working. The only thing more boring and annoying than watching two unlikable reality people have a fun night out on the town, is listening to two unlikable reality people talk about having a fun night out on the town.

Speaking of jumping the shark, Real Housewives of NYC used to be a halfway decent guilty pleasure. It wasn’t ever going to do what Moby Dick might for your brain, but it was somewhat enjoyable. Now all they do is yell and scream at each other, or talk about that time they yelled and screamed at each other. It’s boring.

The kids are still having fun back at the house, this time with bubble packaging. This is a lot of waste, but in this case I don’t really care actually. They never get to cut loose and I say, let ‘em. They slide down the stairs in sleeping bags. Personally I would never let a kid do this out of fear of a skull fracture, but on the other hand, these kids should live a little.

Ashley also says the kids are only six and 10 and should be allowed to just make a mess. I think Ashley is a bystander in the children’s exploitation, and that’s not okay, but at least someone in their lives understands what their needs are. I am very reassured by the things she is saying in this episode.

Deana came to the hotel, says Kate. Huh? Deana who? You know what I hate? People who just start saying names like you’re supposed to just know who these people are. Like when your sister says, oh, Mark and I went to the beach last weekend. And you’re thinking, who the heck is Mark? She finally tells you, he’s my boyfriend! Like you’re supposed to automatically know this without being told.

By the way, Kate is drinking again. Red wine it looks like. Kate finally explains that Deana is a friend and makeup artist. She came to whore up Kate for tonight.

Up close, Kate’s skin is not that good. I only point this out because when I saw her up close about a year ago in Los Angeles, I thought her skin was radiant and flawless. Truly beautiful to a point that no amount of makeup could have created that--it was clearly mostly natural. It’s amazing how fast excessive tanning, surgeries, a stressful lifestyle and a nasty soul can destroy your skin.

Back at the working farm, human sundaes and water balloons with the kids. It’s just how you imagine. Hannah says she ate a whole entire bottle of blue sprinkles. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Are those the recycling bins from Sara Snow? They are! I recognize them by the black paint! I know we all have joked about whatever happened to those. Well, here they are. One of the boys fills the bin with water and dumps it on another sibling. If you’re not going to recycle, might as well put it to good use.

Kate and Jamie have dinner at STK. “Cocktail?” offers a waitress.

“Let’s get started!” Kate replies. Started? Um, Kate, try finished. You started drinking yesterday. Remember the raspberry margaritas? Maybe she’s at that stage in the odyssey of drunkenness we all remember from when we were 21, where it’s not just that you’ve forgotten how many you’ve had, but you’ve actually forgotten you’ve had any at all. This is about a cocktail and a half away (two for guys) from the final stage, which is when you black out sprawled across the dorm futon and fall blissfully asleep in your own vomit.

The restaurant was nice because it was quiet and nobody bugged Kate, explains Jamie. Oh give me a freaking break. This is NYC. I doubt anyone gives a rip who Kate is no matter where she parks her tanned fanny to eat. There are hundreds of other far more famous, and much more gracious and polite, celebs whom reside there or come there whom people see all the time. And wouldn’t dream of nor care about bugging.

At home, the kids are having dinner in their high chairs. No words for that. I see Ashley doesn’t believe in the same kind of strict portion control as Kate does. The kids got at least seven or eight edamames to chew on. Ashley better be careful with how likable she is tonight, she’ll be swatted away from this mess like a fly, never to be seen again.

You know those people who have that friend copying their hair, makeup, tanning, nails, and speak because essentially, they want to be them? That’s Jamie in a nutshell. Only most of the time, that friend is 17. Jamie is how old?

The kids clean up the house, how fascinating. Hannah screams at Leah and Aaden to open up a trash bag. That sounds eerily familiar.

They arrive at NYC nightclub 230 Fifth, and the bouncer asks for their IDs. They don’t have them. Kate doesn’t have her ID on her? Who does she think she is? Surely she must be confusing herself with that other Kate. The one who is living a quiet life with her husband hundreds of miles away from London and has only come out in public since her wedding like twice.

Just a smile then? the bouncer asks. Jamie smiles but Kate snaps, “You’re not getting one from me.” Welcome to 230 Fifth, Oscar.

Kate claims she doesn’t usually announce herself with cameras and crowdation. I don’t even know what she means by that, but if she’s actually trying to claim she likes to be inconspicuous, she is even drunker than I thought.

“Sometimes I have a bad attitude and I just can’t snap out of it,” Kate says. Sometimes? Try, a lifestyle of bad attitudes. They find a table and more drinks and Kate looks about as amused as you might on a trip to the gyno. Except I suppose her gyno trips were a little better than most since they turned out to be a million times more lucrative than mine ever have been, so bad example.

Some nice guy named Chris, age 24, comes up to their table and politely invites them to come downstairs and dance. Personally I really don’t like clubs and so I completely get where Kate is coming from, but when I do go, it’s nice when a guy approaches you who is actually polite and not slobbering and being a fool (the slobbering fools are the main reason I hate clubs, btw). The entire time, Kate literally sips her drink and refuses to make eye contact with Chris. As if you have to go through Jamie first before you ever get to be graced by Kate‘s eyes. Diva! And, tool!

“Where are all the 42-year-olds?” Kate demands. Well, Kate? The one or two here are busy being that awkward old guy at the club everyone wishes weren‘t there.

Finally, some 40-something guys magically appear at, you guessed it, the table right next to them! They talk about absolutely nothing. Another reason I hate clubs, because the conversation is always about absolutely nothing. Guys are usually too drunk to be interested in anything else but filling up the dead air with their voices and glancing at your breasts. One of the guys is wearing a pink v-neck Ralph Lauren, a woven bracelet and a silver cross necklace. Yeah, actor, for starters. Remember that awesome daytime show Blind Date with the little thought bubbles? Where fame-whores went on incredibly awkward dates and you got to see what they were really thinking, or what the producers tell us they are thinking. I know what the 230 bouncer was thinking anyway. “Is there a 12-step program for bitches?”

Some more 20-something guys talk to them and are really nice, but Kate bitches about how they were about ten years old. “Hey, did you want to play with matchbox cars?” Kate gripes on the couch. You know what this is like? This is like invading a retirement home and expecting to adopt a little baby there. Recalculate the GPS because you’re in the wrong place.

They continue to talk about absolutely nothing, at some point the Ralph Lauren actor licks Kate’s foot, but I kind of miss how that came about and I’m too horrified to go back and find out. Finally they go back downstairs.

“For once, I’m always with you and it’s always your world, Kate’s world,” Jamie says. For her best friend, Jamie is sure calling Kate out a lot here. But as we’ve discussed on the blogs before, a lot of narcissists have that one friend who says the same thing everybody else in their lives has tried to say (and in this case, even what a ton of bloggers have said), but for some reason, the narcissist responds to just them. I mean, how many people do you suppose have tried to tell Kate it‘s always all about her? And just ended up flushed down the drain for it. But not Jamie.

Back at home, they’re watching a movie. Ashley was glad they had a fun day because she was afraid they would be afraid to get dirty. Wonder why kids would be afraid of that. Um, who is watching the kids while Ashley does her interviews upstairs in the kitchen?

Kate takes this opportunity to share with a complete stranger, one of the old guys at the bar, how she feels about Jon. Among the things she says, it includes, “The physical body of him is still living, but he’s a completely different person.” Sort of like, he’s dead to her? Nice.

Kate’s on at least the sixth drink I’ve seen this trip and Jamie finally drags her to the dance floor. Think about it, a two day trip consolidated into 45 minutes and I’ve already seen six separate drinks. Steve takes away her drink so she can dance. Or maybe to cut her off, not sure.

“Why?!” Kate cries. She wants her little drinky-poo! Give it back, Rat Claws! Steve is here? Haha. Wonder if he’s jealous. Or, rather, wonder if Kate thinks she's making him jealous.

Of course, Kate can’t and won’t dance. She is a complete buzz kill on the floor, making weird faces at everyone else grinding and having fun. “You got a problem?“ some Jersey-Shore type guy demands. Ha. What’s his name gives her his business card at the end of the night.

Just a little tip: if you’re old enough to have business cards, you’re probably too old for clubs.

Ungrateful Kate won’t thank Jamie for this trip and refuses to say she had fun as they get into the limo. In the limo, Jamie asks in baby talk, “How many of those little drinkies did you have?”

“I’m not drunk,” Kate slurs.

“Um, okay. What are you?” Jamie retorts.

Sounds like the same conversation most girlfriends stop having at about age 22. And then they hold hands. They really do. I wonder if Kate feels that this trip was in God’s plan just like the sextuplets were.

The next morning, they’re sleeping in the same bed and clearly hung over. Since I have zero desire to sleep with anyone else on this planet other than my OH, I admit it’s very hard for me to understand a grown woman wanting to sleep together with her girlfriend at this age. I find it strange and I don't think I'm alone. I'm not suggesting there's anything sexual about this, but rather, there is some kind of weird immaturity and insecurity going on that is extremely hard to watch. This really does look like they recast Jon, it’s ridiculous. Right down to sticking her in the same bed as Kate. Look, most people have probably had a fun night on the town and woken up the next morning feeling like crap, but to do such a thing when your kids had to stay at home and work and were crying crocodile tears for you to please stay with them, I find downright disgraceful. They should be ashamed of themselves.

“I forgot how a couple drinks can zap you at my age,” Kate bemoans. In addition to acting like a lush all weekend, Kate can’t count.

While Kate is busy thinking of herself and trying to get over her hangover, the kids are busy thinking of her and planning a surprise party with cake, cards and decorations.

Kate arrives home. I feared Kate would come home and start talking about herself and her trip and not appreciate the surprise, but mercifully, she doesn’t talk about herself at all, and instead, thanks the kids, admires the cake, and asks them how their weekend was. Phew, thank goodness.

Kate wants to see the footage of the kids when they had to work without a parent present on set. Kate wasn’t worried about how unsafe the sleeping bag slide was for the kids, but rather, was horrified her good sleeping bags were used for it.

Here’s Jamie again telling it like it is, “They need that,” she remarks. Heck yeah they did. And I find it incredibly telling that she would say something like that about these kids. Why would kids ever need a fun relaxing weekend, unless the truth is that they never get such a thing? That they in fact spend most of their lives stressed out, with days full of long hours and lots of school work and work for the show, and a regimented schedule and narcissistic mother and demanding production crew? I would almost say Jamie’s trying to tell us something here, but I think she’s just being candid.

It was one of the “funnest” weekends of my life, Kate opines. Maybe next time, Jamie could get her a bunch of bachelors, Kate suggests. Subtle she is not. I can see how those casting calls would go. Uh, so, how do you feel about feet?