Recap: Kate's Toughest Questions (part 1) 8/15/11: Kate and only Kate's propaganda film, 'Free Range'

Coming up, Kate’s Toughest Questions. Hm, wonder what those could be? Maybe, if you were stranded on a desert island and could only pick one Nobu sushi roll to eat, which would it be? Or, what do you hate the most about Jon? Name any current event at all either domestic or international, or maybe, without relying on your pink iphone calculator, what is nine plus twelve? Apparently on this episode, Kate gets her own open forum, once again, to trash talk. And trash talk. And trash talk. And no one she throws under the bus will get a chance to respond. Hm, one person telling us how it’s going to be and everyone else silenced--sounds rather like a propaganda film to me. I half expect Kate to tell us what we can read (my books!) and what we must burn (anything else I didn‘t “write”!), and declare who is of pure blood and free to reproduce (tanners and grifters and dummies) and who is not and must be sterilized (everyone else!). Wait for it.

We’re at the house, and Mady is bellyaching, like a normal child would, about why she has to help tidy up the house. “I provide a roof over your head,” Kate actually tells her with a straight face, without the slightest hint of irony either. We are so, so close to Mady being old enough to realize what is going on here and snap back, “No, I do, fool!” Maybe a few more months and we‘re there.

Oh, there’s Kate’s makeup artist powdering Kate’s nose in the kitchen. If I were a tweetie, my first question to Kate would be, Huh, if this is the realest reality show, who is that person in the kitchen? Here comes the plumber, or an underpaid extra, to try to balance that out and make this seem like a normal family. They pretend there’s some leak in the basement and it’s all very stiff and awkward, not exactly a Shakespearean performance from either Kate or this guy.

Kate says her tweetie friends really want her to answer some questions because they’re interested in her and so on. I call this obsessed creepy stalking, she calls it tweetie friends interested in her life. Po-tate-o, po-tot-o.

Exactly as suspected, there’s a shot of Kate glued to her phone like it’s a pacemaker for her eyes while Hannah is pleading with her to please fix her shoe. She ignores the kids to be on twitter all day, it’s obvious. Poor Hannah, she has to give Kate a generous deadline of tomorrow to fix her shoe. She may have to limp around another day shoeless while Kate posts some grammatically incorrect streaming consciousness about stewing tomatoes. It probably does take Kate a good twenty-four hours to wean herself away from Twitter to attend to her young children, Hannah is bearing this in mind. Hannah probably should get two Advil ready to go for the withdrawal headaches Kate is sure to experience when she finally puts down the pinkiphone.

You know, if there were a Nobel Peace prize for inventions for shallow, image-obsessed narcissistic women, it would go to Apple for inventing the key pad. Because that key pad doesn’t hate on your nails like Blackberry and most other phones. On the contrary, it welcomes them. Now narcissists like Kate can communicate with their fans like they never could before. An entire class of people cut off from the technological masterpiece that is Twitter are now brought into the fold, like inventing a cheap water purification system and saving a nation. Just think, without Apple? We'd never know about Kate's sediments. I’m tearful.

Why are the kids on the couch? I thought these were questions for Kate.

Pattiepie wants to know if Kate is dating anyone. Many of these names are going to sound familiar, as many of them have harassed us like crazy psychos on Twitter. Twitter is the playground for adults bullied as children who never got the proper therapy and support from friends and family and security in their own accomplishments to rebuild their self-esteem and properly process their childhoods. It fulfills every unhealthy desire they’ve ever had to pass it right on to the next person even worse without any consequences. It’s pathetic, really.

I’ll answer this question for you, Pat. No, of course Kate is not dating anyone. She will play this off because she has eight kids. But really it’s because she’s a narcissistic, pessimistic, selfish, self-obsessed, self-absorbed, money-hungry, man-eating, gluten-hating, child-exploiting bitch that no man wants to be around. Next?

Why in the entire world are the kids being asked by producers whether they want Kate to date and marry? That’s so inappropriate! There isn’t a child psychologist in the entire state of Pennsylvania who would condone this as healthy. It’s so disgusting I‘m not even going to go into detail what they‘re saying, other than to say a lot of it has nothing to do with what Kate always tells us they feel, as several of them say very firmly, “NO” and they “DON‘T WANT A DIFFERENT DAD.” Whatever, Kate the lying liar about the kids begging for a new daddy.

So, is Kate jealous of Jon dating?

Puh-shaw! says Kate. No! Whatever! OMG yada yada. It kills Kate to admit the kids come home happy from their visits with him. Also, it kills me to have to look at that right mound of tanned boob pouring out of her matching blinding pink iphone top. What the heck? Is it looking for a baby or something? Or just trying to escape I guess.

Life landed her single, bemoans Kate. Wow, she’s even blaming life itself now? Even Life is now the narcissist‘s victim. Don‘t take it personally, Life.

Next question, how do you get eight kids out the door for school? How stupid are these people? Nannies, nannies, nannies, of course.

But Kate’s PC answer? “Schedule, schedule, schedule.” As in, making sure the nannies know the schedule.

Another twitter-twatter asks, do you ever miss marriage?

Well, as expected, Kate doesn’t miss Jon. But she does miss having a parent to do shit for her. That wasn’t the question. What does her stupid answer have to do with the daily ups and downs and joys and fulfillment of the unique and profound relationship with a man or woman we call marriage? Because all I’m hearing is an evil stepsister wants her servant back. Waa-waa-waa, Jon changed. No, Kate, you changed, which is why Jon wanted to go back to how things were before except you wouldn‘t let him! But people who change into something horrible always think everyone else changed except them, don’t they? The best part is this all occurs while old clips show Jon practically rescuing some kittens from a tree with one hand and saving a baby seal with the other. Tons of footage of him hugging and kissing the kids, helping them get ready for school, the kids all over him adoring him. Ha, slick one, TLC.

Next, why has your style changed so much?

Kate: Uh, um, you know I wore a tshirt because I had little kids, something about tie-dye (what?), I have eight kids. I.e., I wasn’t famous enough and getting enough stylish free crap just yet, but just wait, I will! What do clips of Alexis’s poop and Joel’s vomit have to do with anything, other than to humiliate them once again?

Why do you always wear high heels? Oh sheeple, why is the earth round?

I don’t understand Kate’s answer. They don’t stop me? Huh? Well, TLC stopped you. Last week. They canceled your show. Bam! Kate says heels make her feel good about herself. It’s typical that someone like her would use inanimate, expensive objects like heels to feel good about herself, and not feel good about herself because maybe she has a lovely family and supportive husband and good job and is a good person.

Next question. Give me something deep, tweeple, I know you have it in you: “If you didn’t know how old you were how old would you be?” Like, uh, wow, um! Ooo, philosophy. I dig it.

Hmm, how old does Kate feel? I’m guessing at least twelve but no older than fifteen. No, surprisingly, Kate is 30, she says. She started to know what she wanted then. Eh, I think most of us have come to the conclusion she knew exactly what she wanted before the sextuplets were conceived, which was way before she turned 30.

Fired Up (for Kate, not Jesus. No, really) says, what dress size do you wear? Good grief, who cares? Two-fourish, lies Kate. Baw-hahahha.

Does Kate use tanning beds, we already know the answer to this. Yes. At least Kate admits she’s not an advocate of it. So, do what I say not as I do. I freaking hate adults like that. As a kid, and now just as much as an adult.


Is her tummy tuck the only plastic surgery Kate has ever had? Watch how diabolical Kate is here. “Plastic? Yes, my stomach is all plastic!” she says sarcastically. You see, by telling herself in her mind no surgery is “plastic” she can answer the question “truthfully.” Yes, it‘s the only surgery she‘s had. Baw-hahahaha. Her boob is halfway down the Nile and she’s actually trying to tell us those girls are all hers. She also says some nonsense that “will it be forever in a day, probably not?” What in the world is she blathering about? She is so batshit! And TLC doesn’t care, they’re just throwing all her ramblings in without a care whether they make any sense whatsoever or not. Also, she says if any other surgeries are necessary she’s not against it. Hm, does this mean she’d consider a lobotomy?

How do you deal with negativity? I ignore it, Kate says. Oh, I didn’t realize calling a non-fan “rude” for questioning her ridiculous greed to take dozens and dozens of free cupcakes from DC Cupcakes was “ignoring it.” She gets testy every few days or so and responds nastily to a non-fan on twitter (and sometimes even a fan that pushes the wrong button), that’s hardly ignoring her criticism. When you’re in public people think it’s “free range” to put their opinions out there.

First, Kate, the expression is not “free range.” You are confusing this with how those organic chickens you love so much are fed. The expression you’re looking for is free reign (or less commonly but still correct, free rein). And the fact that people feel they have “free range” to criticize you has a heck of a lot more to do with the fact that you have exploited these kids for six years, and little to do with your very firm status as a public figure, otherwise we‘d be going around ripping on every single person all day long who‘s ever had their face on T.V.

Kate babbles some nonsense about how if she were a nurse or teacher, people would still criticize, but no one would really care, so she doesn’t pay attention. Wait, if she had a real job like a nurse or teacher, she wouldn’t be exploiting the kids, so why would people criticize her in the first place? That’s what started this all, being on T.V. and exploiting the kids. What is she even trying to say here? A jar of fluffernutter probably has more logic than Kate.

Kate says at the end of this all the only opinions that are really going to count are the kids’. I couldn’t agree more. And she seems blissfully unaware of what lies ahead. Let her enjoy the honeymoon period I guess.

Oh, God, this is rich. Let’s ask Kate how the kids feel about being on TV, how are they handling TV life? Kate’s absolutely ridiculous answer? They don’t know any different.

Kate, let me introduce you to something called logic. A child who is beaten up every day by his mother also doesn’t know anything different. That doesn’t mean beating a child up is good for him. Nor do many of us believe filming a childhood for six years is good for them whether that‘s all they know, and you know full well the vast majority of rational people feel the same and have said so. Your justification for this exploitation is about the most illogical answer I’ve ever heard in my life.

A few of the kids say being on TV is fun and they like it. How come the rest of the kids don’t get to answer this question? Also, if Kate claims they don’t know anything different, then how can they be in a position to say they like it as opposed to having a camera free life if they‘ve never experienced anything else? She boxes herself into a corner every single time with these answers. Well, at least the show is canceled now and hopefully they will never have to go through this again. Poor Mady says there are some people at school mean to them about being on T.V. Aw. But most are true friends. Good, though I fear that might not last.

Aaden’s favorite episode is when he went to Australia. His favorite episode? His life is in episodes now? Truman Show anyone? All of the kids’ favorite “episodes” of their lives are pretty recent episodes. Duh, because they can’t remember so much of what was filmed before. Ha, all those trips and they don’t have any memory of it.

Cara’s favorite episode is one with a scene of Jon and Aaden where he lost his glasses. I love that her favorite episode is something with Jon, that must kill Kate.

Harry’s Princess asks, What is the “funnest” part of having eight kids? Can’t Kate just sort of correct her grammar so as not to embarrass her? Instead she calls attention to it and claims she, Kate, made funnest a word. Her narcissism knows no bounds. Oh, Harry‘s princess, you’re royalty, you should know what‘s so great about having eight kids! The money, Princess, of course! But Kate makes up something about family and teams.

It’s pick on Alexis day, they all complain that Alexis screams. Oh, time to pick on Collin, who eats like a pig. This is basically what many large families do, tease and pick on each other. Only something seems very despicable about all this, by virtue of the fact that it’s being filmed so publicly.

Oh, this is revealing. They ask the kids, “If you could be any other brother or sister who would you be?” Guess who they pick? Hannah! The golden child!

If you don’t know about narcissism and golden children and scapegoats, here’s a quick 101. Psychologists have noticed a common trend among families with a narcissistic parent--often the mother. Moms will have one or more golden children she treats lovingly and fairly and often lavishes special treatment on, while other children are scapegoats and treated cruelly. This fascinating dynamic was observed in Joan Crawford’s family. Christopher and Christina reported incident after incident of abuse toward them and were backed up by several witnesses, while Crawford’s younger children, Cathy and Cindy, disputed their accounts. Why? Likely they were Crawford’s golden children, and therefore, might not realize abuse was going on toward the older scapegoat children. Scapegoat children lie awake nights just praying and wishing they had been born the golden child. In a way it’s kind of sad to hear the kids say they want to be Hannah. It just fits too perfectly with everything that’s been said about this family and Kate’s severe narcissism. Wouldn’t you know it in Kate’s own book, she sets Hannah apart from the others, admitting she has a special relationship with her.

Joel says he would just be himself. Good for him. This started out as rather a silly question, but turned out to be very revealing.

Cara and Mady slap each other then hug it out on the couch for about five minutes. They're just putting filler in now, they really don't care. I think they know full well at this point this show is done, and frankly, Kate is lucky to get any kind of send off at all, let alone an entire hour to just speak her mind without anyone questioning her.

Coming up in Part Two, Kate is pissed off at Kevin for helping a baby chick across a puddle. To be continued...