Recap: RV Trip 8/29/11: Even FDR would prefer his lettuce chopped, not torn!

Coming up on Kate Plus 8! The Griswold’s road trip, remember that? Picture yourself in Clark’s shoes. You accidentally kill Aunt Edna‘s dog when you forget you tied him to the back of the station wagon, the hotel won‘t take your check so you have to steal out of the cash register to pay, the not-a-boob-job hot chick driving the red Ferrari turns out to be just a figment of your imagination, and when you finally get there, Walley World is closed for repairs. Only picture all that about 666 times worse and you’ve got the vacation (a.k.a. TLC‘s great revenge) that Kate is about to take with Jamie, Ashley, the kids and a massive support system that rivals the production crew of Celine Dion’s What’s Goin’ On Show--Live in Las Vegas at Caesar’s Palace through 2012.

Credits! Sheesh, from all this happy music and excited shouting (Mady! Cara! Alexis!) you would think this show is sooner about lollipops and Leprechauns. When really it’s a highly unethical psychological experiment of misery and infuriation and one cruel, delusional, batshit crazy bitch.

Weird serious graphic flashes across the screen: “In July of 2011, Kate and her kids embarked on an RV Trip … ” What is this, did Michael Moore join production?

Day 13. Oh, are we starting at the end and working our way backward? Will Kate wake up from a drunken night of clubbing and foot licking in NYC, wondering why there is a baby and a tiger in the room, Jamie’s missing a tooth, and Steve is nowhere to be found but his mattress is on the RV roof?

It breaks my heart to recap this part, and I think TLC, and Kate, and anyone who had a hand in letting this be filmed are sick, disgusting human beings. Ashley cannot stand it anymore. She says to Kate, “I’m done! After this trip, I’m done!” Mady, Cara, and Collin are literally sobbing and wailing Ashley’s name as she packs up and leaves. Ashley’s devastated, too. This show has never made me cry before until now. Actually, one other time I cried, when Kate suggested that kiwis are birds without arms, but that was tears of disbelief as I could not comprehend the sheer stupidity.

Flashback to Day 1 and Kate is packing like it‘s the second coming and she actually thinks she‘s not going to get Left Behind. I know it‘s the wild, wild West, but we do have grocery stores and Targets and even a couple gas stations out here, too. I hear tell some folks even have that fancy newfangled cable T.V.! Also, no aliens, don’t believe the movies! Kate wants to surprise the kids with each location. Eh, rather she’s just too lazy to take them to the local library and help them read up on what they‘re going to see. Kate also tries to play this off like it will be leaked to the paparazzi. The concept that no one gives a flying rip about her 100th stupid stressful child exploiting trip is as foreign to her as physics, or even, American history.

Even though Kate has tried to keep it a secret, sharp as a stick Mady has already figured out they are going on an RV trip, how? Because her stupid mother labeled a bunch of containers none other than, “FOOD TO BE PUT IN RV.” Oops. Oh, and Mady heard Kate talking about it on the phone while Mady was standing right there. Remind me never to hire Kate for espionage.

Kate snaps at Mady to get paper towels. For what? Why, to wipe a little dust off the bumper off the van. Oh, good, I thought it was something serious like she hit a deer or somebody vomited again or something. Mady is going as fast as she can, bolting back inside, but Kate shouts, “Honestly! Get a little bit of fire under your butt! Man! You should know by now whenever you’re helping me you should be running at all times!”

“Sorry,” Mady murmurs, chastened. I may cry more than once this episode yet.

The RVs are on the lawn and Kate starts shoving stuff in the storage below the cabin and being a big baby about it, crying she hurt her hand. “Uh, um, at some point we’re going to have to stop playing ‘we’re filming a T.V. show’ and really work because I’m really done,” Kate snaps to what appears to be some production off camera.

So this whole time we were playing filming a T.V. show. Ah-ha, I knew it!

More rather creepy documentary graphics. Also, as someone pointed out, there’s no music. Budget cuts? What’s next, no more Starbucks and manicures for Kate? This is like a prison movie. I need upbeat drums and an intern screwing around on a keyboard to soothe me, I‘m getting anxiety otherwise.

“Two days later, the Gosselins flew to South Dakota to meet up with their packed RV’s.” Jamie and her kids met them there.

I need a second. Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Okay, I’m good. I never realized the “road” in “road trip” meant you hire some stranger to do the driving for you and you fly out and meet them later. This is like paying someone to say Hail Marys for you. Or if you like, having children only to leave them to nannies like Ashley to raise while you twitter all day. Missing the point, really, really, missing the point.

The kids all pile into the gigantic RVs and explore. “It’s small!” is Hannah’s first reaction. That makes sense. To Kate, millions upon millions of dollars is not enough to fully fund college, so why wouldn’t a huge luxury RV famous rock stars use all the time on tour be “small” to this family? One thing that will become very clear about this episode? Just as we feared, six years of giving kids everything they could ever dream of is finally catching up, and it’s very sad to watch (and certainly, not the children‘s fault). Kate wanted her kids (read: herself) to have everything, and this is the result of that misguided wish.

“Don’t touch anything!” Kate shouts psychotically. Kate brags that she is a size four (heh, and those girls are real too) as they squeeze into the narrow area between a counter and the table. I missed how it happened, but Collin cuts his elbow. Kate screams at Jamie to pass her paper towels, pronto! Your name is Jamie, not Kunta Kinte!

Kate will be driving. Who wants to go with her?! Beuller? Beuller?

Collin raises his hand, probably in the vain hope this will somehow improve his standing a millimeter or two up from the basement of the totem poll. Hannah, the golden child, raises her hand because she’s the golden child and likely has no clue what the rest of the children are going through, as her life with Kate is relatively great. Someday, she will most likely be the one disputing the tell-alls that come out about her mother, saying that never happened they’re just making up lies for money, because for her, she would be right, that never happened. Jamie’s son Clay raises his hand because he hasn’t spent that much time with Kate and is blissfully unaware, though not for long, of what a living nightmare being around her is, especially if you are of the male persuasion (he will get an education very soon, read on). Leah raises her hand, then seconds later puts it back down in regret; perhaps she thought she was being asked who wants ice cream. And that’s it. Just three kids of the eleven want to be with Kate. In a democracy, or even in Charlie Sheen la-la-land, this is called … LOSING!

“Hi, I’m Mike,” the RV driver says as he shakes Kate’s hand. Mike what? This is a man who is going to be around her children 24/7 and she’s just meeting him now? Hm, has he gotten a background check or did production just pull some random trucker off his rig at a weigh station somewhere in Maryland on the way up?  Hm, you don’t look like a child molester, how would you like to drive around an RV for a couple weeks with Kate Gosselin? Would a little extra hazard pay sweeten the deal? Okay fine, a lot extra.

Kate takes a stab at driving. “Hold hands,” Hannah says snarkily, “so if we die, we die together!” Ha, good one, Hannah.

Also, what’s a bit odd is that all the sextuplets are now riding with Kate when only two of them wanted to go when they voted. Either the six decided they’d rather just be together narcissistic witch at the wheel or not, or their votes don’t mean a darn thing in the dictatorship that is their lives. I’m guessing the latter. (We find out later, it's the latter. Kate decided herself where they would ride before they ever even left. I hate adults that pretend it's a democracy and take a vote knowing all along they're just going to do what they want vote in their favor or not.) I guess it’s good the kids are going through this together and look to each other like this. Their lives, I mean. Hold hands, sextuplets, so when the narcissist eats your souls, you’ll all be eaten together.

“If you care about your life you’ll ride quietly,” Kate orders.

“How would you ride quietly?” Hannah retorts. I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds funny! Kid’s on a roll!

You know what’s kind of sad about Kate driving for about a mile and a half? The kids are so supportive. Lots of things like, “you did it, Mommy!” and clapping. Far more supportive of her accomplishments than she has been of anything they have ever done. The wacky role reversal here, where the kids are rapidly emerging as far more mature and normal than Kate, meanwhile Kate just keeps regressing to become even more childlike and crazy, is fascinating. "Jesus, take the wheel," Jamie quips. Ha, good song. I guess when you have to be around Kate, all you can do to survive and not poke your eyeballs out with a plastic fork is just keep making snide remarks like that one.

Day 2! It's been cold and drizzly for a few days (huh? We're only on day 2 and it was sunny yesterday) and Kate says everyone's feeling cooped up so they decide to go out in the rain. "You are weird," Hannah accuses Clay, who appears to be doing nothing more benign than playing with a stick. "According to science, you're weird," Clay retorts. Hey, that's a good one, Clay. "You're mean!" Hannah cries, outraged. Well, Hannah, when you start with someone, that's often what happens, they dish it right back, and it can be mean. Ask Kate. On second thought, don't ask Kate, she will deny she ever instigated anything.

"I think camping and freezing cold temperatures with me must go together," Kate says. And I think camping is trying to tell her that, much like the rest of the world, they don't want her.

The kids start a playful mud fight in the creek. How confusing for a child who one day is not allowed to get even so much as a granule of sugar on the floor, and the next is allowed to roll around in the dirt like it’s Woodstock. This will be the one and only time on this trip Kate relaxes and has fun with a child, only it won't be with any of her own kids--she chases around Clay and they sling mud and get the giggles and have a good ole time. My mouth is sort of half open because I've never seen Kate interact with a child like this in my life. She is covered in mud so it's hard to tell, maybe this is just her stand in? Will the real Kate please come out and hit her mark?

 "Have I ever told you how much I love you?!" Kate cries as she puts him in a headlock. I don't know, but when's the last time she told her bio children that? This whole thing should be so cute. But because she never, ever cuts loose with her own children, it has this bizarre undertone. In a way, it's almost like she's trying to rub it in with her own kids. What message she's trying to send them, I don't really know for sure, (maybe, if only you could be like Clay then I could really have fun with you?) because it's the mind of a narcissist and their motives often have no basis in any rational thinking. Weird.

Since everything is on Kate's terms, when she decides she's done and announces as such, all the fun screeches to a grinding halt. These kids must have developed amazing brakes by now.

Day 3! Leah says she was claustrophobic during the night because it was cold and she was zipped up tight in her sleeping bag. That's a big word for a little girl, good for her! I’m guessing she learned it from Kate. This McMansion is so claustrophobic! First class makes me claustrophobic! Steve, make me claustrophobic!

They all pile around the tables in the RV to have breakfast. A little griping from the kids, but the biggest whiner is Kate. They only have full fat coffee creamer, blech! For some reason, Kunta Kinte gets blamed for this. “Yes! All right!” Jamie says with a Jersey-shore style fist pump. Good for her, way to stand up for normal food!  By the way, I find it rather insensitive when a very thin person who really is the last gal who needs to worry about her weight, constantly talks about dieting around friends who aren’t necessarily as horizontally blessed.

It took all night to organize, Kate is freezing cold she was awake all night and her back is killing her. Organize what? A few foodstuffs? What could possibly take so long to line up some cereal boxes, put out some plastic spoons and some fatso fatty-pants needs to get on Biggest Loser to have any hope creamer? Or maybe she means she was organizing her hooker heels? I can see how that might keep one up all night.

Kate has some bizarro explanation I can't follow for why she ended up in one RV with the younger kids and Ashley and Jamie in the other with the older kids. But the real reason is, because nobody likes you, Kate, but it‘s easier to force the younger kids to go with you. Kate’s response to getting stuck with the little kids, you know, her flesh and blood children who are sweet and funny and full of life? “Oh, crap.”

The kids want a servant to go get them extra blankets and things they need. That's Steve, one of the kids says. That one little comment told me so much about how these kids have been groomed to perceive their world. Without a hint of irony, Kate tells them, no that's not Steve's job (Steve is for my vanity, not yours, child), but "someday when you’re rich and powerful, you can have a servant, but you’ve gotta work hard.” Yikes, these kids have worked their butts off for six years even through vacations (with no time and a half!) and for many of those years for free, how many more years does Kate envision they will have to do this before the reap any rewards? I guess early retirement is out of the question.

Day 3! Kate gathers the kids at a table and lays out some clues as to where they are going. A rock, a hammer, a chisel and a dollar bill. How do these all fit together, Kate asks. Um, um, um, I know! Things you can use to knock the stupidity out of Mommy with? Dollar bill, hmm. Uhh, what will be left in the bank for the kids when all is said and done?

Mount Rushmore! Mady blurts out about three seconds later. I’m not sure why this surprises Kate so much, Mady‘s far from stupid. Mady gets the dollar bill for a prize. Better go ask for some change, Mady, Kate will want her 85% of that.

They arrive at Mount Rushmore, the kids have to go to the bathroom and for some reason this really annoys Kate. “We’re a photo opportunity!” Kate cries. She wants the kids to be ready to go at the door of the RV’s to run out when they get to places. One of the kids says if you don’t give me a warning when we are about to get there how the heck am I supposed to know where we are and whether we‘re almost there? Such a good point!

People are taking authorized photos and tweeting them! Kate bemoans. I never saw any photos from this attraction at all, though there were a few tweets after the fact. Kate? Public place. The law says you can take photos of whoever you want if they‘re in a public place or the paparazzi wouldn‘t be able to exist in the first place. There’s nothing “unauthorized” about this. Also, maybe if you didn’t traipse around everywhere with a huge camera crew and boom mics and producers with headsets and a bodyguard, people wouldn’t realize you’re anyone famous, and wouldn’t take photos and tweet! Most people would assume it’s just another school group if this weren’t always such a spectacle. Like waving a sign around all day saying “Somebody please sock me in the face” and then being upset when someone actually takes you up on it.

“There’s nothing we can do about it,” Jamie says sensibly. Exactly, so what is the point in being upset and throwing a fit and upsetting the kids? Ashley’s body language is crossed arms and annoyed. Jamie and Ashley have more common sense in their little fingers than Kate could ever hope for, and their attitudes are eons more healthy for these kids right now than Kate’s.

As they walk to the monument, Jamie whispers to Ashley, “Why does she care who takes pictures? Who cares? They’re going to take pictures.”

Ashley, bless her heart, tries to muster up some kind of defense for this delusional monster she calls her employer, “Well, they don‘t want….” Ashley defended Kate because a good nanny defends the mother of the kids no matter what, and yet Kate threw her under the bus on twitter once the episode aired. Kate doesn’t deserve Ashley’s loyalty.

“But they’re going to do it no matter what,” Jamie goes on, there’s nothing you can do, so why get all stressed?

Jamie, you are applying logic to the most illogical person I’ve ever seen profiled on camera. Like trying to eat fluffernutter without it sticking to the roof of your mouth, it’s impossible to make sense of Kate. Don’t hurt yourself.

It’s so foggy you can barely see FDR up there. Even Mount Rushmore wants Kate to GO AWAY nothing to see here move along. Yes, you heard right, that’s FDR. Even Ashley goes along with this, which doesn’t bode well for home school’s reputation, I hate to say it. Cara is like, ummmm, I’m pretty sure that’s Teddy. Kate insists it’s FDR and even pulls out her pamphlet to prove it. Sure, that’s FDR, right next to President Ben Franklin, Chuck E Cheese, and that guy who invented Post-its. How long were they here, seems like two seconds later we’re turning around. Get enough for the dailies and move on.

Arthur Fry, American hero

Kate is on some tirade about how everything in the RV is broken and she planned and planned. She is talking a mile a minute and sounds truly manic. Something about there are no restaurants? There are very few places in America where you can’t drive to a restaurant within an hour, what in the world is she talking about? She really loves to make it seem like she is schlepping the kids on a sun-burnt pilgrimage through the mountains of Tibet with one canteen and some freeze-dried potatoes and no compass. And no shoes. No matches either.

Day 5! Her next clues are a banana and a rock. Hmm, let’s see. She fantasizes about a rock on her finger from Steve, and wishes she could peel his banana?

Yellowstone, the kids guess almost instantly. Really Kate, stop just finding whatever is within reach and work to come up with some more challenging clues. They see a buffalo and snow. They stop to play in the snow a little. This whole scene goes on for what feels like three hours. Really, TLC?

Jamie and Ashley say they have the party bus and Kate has the boring bus. Shots of the party bus doing what normal fun people do on RV vacations. Eating junk food, laughing and screaming, doing Blair Witch project parodies. All around fun, what vacation should be about.

Shots of the boring bus. Kate removing dirt from under Collin’s finger nails and giving him a warning. Ha. What was that warning, to stop being a boy? Who's next, step right up, kids! Kate is bitching the RV is inconvenient because she has to adjust the little pillow behind her back.

Kate is excited to see Old Faithful because it’s an iconic part of our country. I suppose she thinks it shoots up Jello pudding? Ha, the producers are just having fun with her now, though she appears clueless to it. Do they know anything about Old Faithful? one asks. Sorry to say, no, Kate admits. She Googled it on the way over. I’m guessing she was that kid who scratched out their book report on the back of a bus seat on the way to school and doesn't care if they fail because they're the greatest anyway.

Mady starts to go on about what she knows about Old Faithful, then kind of stumbles and says she wants to start over. You mean, take two? No! says Kate. Oh, give the child another take, Kate, have a heart! You probably would give yourself ten! In case Old Faithful didn’t know, it’s all about Kate. She is about to spew just like it!

Kate does an interview about the day and says it was beautiful but the kids weren’t very appreciative. What, crazy? Does she listen to her children at all? The kids said they loved it, and Leah said that Old Faithful was the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. That’s hardly not appreciative, especially for just a seven year old. Kate is in what is arguably the most spectacular park in the entire country and all Kate can talk about is being back in her own bed.

The kids are racing on a rocky path and some of them get scraped up. Cara goes over to Ashley and accuses Clay of tripping them. The whole thing is on film, and that is absolutely not true. He just slipped. Poor Clay, his expression is like, you’re not believing this are you? Thankfully, Ashley handles it well, telling her firmly it was an accident and she can go sit in the RV if she wants. Good girl, Ashley. There are no playing favorites here.

Kate’s back to her tirade about how much the RVs suck. Hint to Kate, when you’re doing a product placement for Challenger RVs, you might want to say a few nice things about them. Just every couple days. Hey, Challenger? Your RVs look rockin’ to us, in fact, here’s a link to y‘all! Why, Kate could even mention them in her manic tweets. But Kate wouldn't know how to promote something if it hit her in her leathery face.

Day 6! We’re almost halfway through this vacation from hell. Still in Yellowstone, a cranky breakfast in the RV. In the absolute middle of breakfast, Kate decides to grab a vacuum, drag it violently across some rocks, and vacuum the RV from top to bottom. This actually seems to calm her as she breaths a sigh.

After breakfast, Clay wants to play legos with Collin and Cara. Cara is so upset I can’t completely understand her, but she starts crying to Ashley that Kate said she didn‘t have to play with Clay. Ashley is like, No she didn’t, that‘s ridiculous?! I understand Ashley is fed up by the constant absurd undermining by Kate, but sadly, she lets it get the best of her and throws the lego box on the table and stomps off, slamming a bedroom door. Sigh.

You know, I understand a girl Cara’s age not wanting a boy his age around. But it’s an important lesson to get along with other kids, even kids you don’t like, and indulging their desires doesn’t help them.

Cara goes crying to Kate but heck if Kate wants to deal with this. She does everything she can to pass her off on Jamie, Ashley, Steve, the muffin man, Mr. Ed. Anybody but her please handle this. Finally Kate says tell Clay to sit somewhere else. Oh, that's fair. Not! Cara marches back to Jamie and informs her Clay has to leave the table. Good for Jamie, standing up for Clay. She doesn’t indulge this. Jamie goes over to talk to Kate. Kate tries to blame this on any child but Cara, but Jamie pegs it right from the get-go. Kate, the problem here is Cara. Not Collin, not Clay, not anyone else.

“Keep Clay away from her, please!” Kate retorts.

That’s how Kate deals with anyone she disagrees with, isn’t it? Just get them away, don’t deal with them, estrange them out. Never deal with your people problems head on, that’s for wusses!

“You need to control Clay!” Kate has the audacity to say to Jamie. Jamie is the one who should be packing up right now and getting out of this with a big F-U, where the hell does Kate get off? Not to mention, I have not seen a single solitary second of footage that remotely suggested Clay is a problem. He seems quiet and agreeable, sweet and fun. He enjoys playing with sticks for pity sake, how much trouble can he be? I suppose that’s just the editing, right Kate? He’s really a monster?

Finally Kate is just like, you play with your legos and Clay plays with his. I don’t think that was the issue, the problem was playing with each of their legos at the same table. Ashley is just kind of laughing in disbelief saying this is bad, there’s gonna be a knock down drag out!

Still on Day 6! Yikes. I guess we’re camping for real now? The kids gather rocks.

Kate went to the grocery store, it must be organic, Jamie snarks. Ashley says the trip is stressful and actually it‘s mostly the adults who argue, not the kids. They say as long as Kate stays in her bus they’ll be okay. Okay, they’re just bitter now. There’s this interesting bond developing between Ashley and Jamie. I’ve seen this very same phenomenon happen among normal people who have to be around a narcissist. The worse the narcissist treats you, the closer you feel to other victims. Also this can be seen in hostage situations, where hostages come out of a two-year ordeal tied together in a dark basement, and feel like long lost sisters.

She’s baaack! Wowser, where did that nice GMC red SUV come from? Just appeared? Is this anything like that roll of paper towels that appeared on the porch one day?

Kate gives orders to her slaves to cut and wash and chop. Steve, like most men in Kate’s life, is just trying to stay out of this all, which becomes a lot easier when there is a fire to tend and lighter fluid to pour on it. Stuff like that somehow always manages to keep men busy for hours. Meanwhile Kate freaks out on Jamie for ripping some lettuce instead of chopping it.

“If you have to rip it, I’d rather chop it, really!” Kate tells her.

Jamie gives her a confused look. “If you’d  rather rip it you‘d rather have to chop it?” Jamie, stop trying to understand the crazy. Really, you’re going to injure yourself.

More childish sniping over an onion. From the adults. The kids are hitting and tipping each other over in the chairs and crying. The adults don’t know what to do anymore but just ignore it all. So what do you do when it all goes to hell? Why, makeovers! Out of the blue, Ashley starts painting eye shadow and eye liner on the girls. Um, what? The only thing that would make this family seem any more dysfunctional than at this moment is to doll up the seven-year-old girls.

Kate scorched the chicken over an open flame. Really bad choice to cook chicken over an open flame, it‘s one of the most difficult meats, and dangerous, to cook that way. The cavemen never would have invented fire had they known Kate would have screwed dinner up this badly. Kate says she nearly burned the chicken. And a circle is nearly round. The chicken is absolutely charred. Honestly, I don’t know what the plan is for tomorrow! Kate brags. You don’t have to when production does it all!

If you think TLC hates Kate after watching this episode, wait until you see what happens next week.