Recap: Couples Therapy episode 3, The Ghost of TFW Past (and present, and future)

Last time on Couples Therapy, Taylor and Farrah ended their short-lived (and certainly entertaining) infatuation with each other. Aw. Apparently the straw that broke the camel's collagen back was when Farrah insulted Taylor by explaining that she, Farrah, was an entrepreneur, and Taylor was not. Oh, snap! The fact that Farrah can even pronounce entrepreneur correctly is pretty impressive. There is something so hysterical about Duck Lips, arguably one of the most malevolent reality T.V. personalities ever (D.V. my ass, Taylor--there I said it now I can get on with this), being this ticked off at Teen Duck Lips, her baby-eyebrow-plucking lady-in-waiting. Whoever had the divine inspiration to cast these two fools together deserves an award. These sort of brilliant ideas usually only come to producers Sunday mornings at places like the Santa Monica Stairs. Some other stuff happened with the other less-interesting cast that's not nearly as fun as this, but I think I heard something about a prostitute. Coming up, Dr. Jenn (that's the therapist running this whole shebang who sort of looks like a very pretty skeleton) is calling Duck Lips out on her positively mental behavior, and Duck Lips actually takes it to heart and decides from here on out she is going to be a better person and mother. Heh, just kidding, she's pissed as hell.

Day Three in the Couples Therapy pad, and the fallout continues from something that happened last week when we last left them. I think it was over Duck Lips being mad her room was too hot. I'm serious. Some 20-something production assistant sort of rolls her eyes, as if she's been dealing with this diva and her demands for weeks now. I guess Duck Lips hasn't considered maybe that gal or someone else in production cranked up the heat in her room on purpose.

It is soon revealed Duck Lips is also upset because the vast Los Angeles mansion (it's so huge it echoes) is not big enough. Oh, and they gave her pea green towels. Pea green towels, people. Duck Lips says she wants her homemade lattes and filet minon and bigger mansion. I like Dr. Jenn already even though I didn't want to. She is basically like eh, this is really about Duck Lips's other issues going on and don't worry Duck Lips won't get her way. Oh, good.

One of the girls from the nice (and normal) lesbian couple tries to talk Duck Lips back down from outer space as if Duck Lips were a normal person too. That was nice lesbian couple's first mistake. Dr. Jenn soon reveals that this all went down at 3 a.m. Oh, Jehoshaphat.

Dr. Jenn says in 20 years doing therapy in Beverly Hills of all places she's never seen anyone throw a tantrum like Duck Lips just did. Nor has anyone ever complained about the accommodations in the three seasons they've been doing Couples Therapy. Wow, haha. That's embarrassing. And also, that's it, I officially love Dr. Jenn. Tell us more!

I like how Dr. Jenn often prefaces explanations she's about to give with "and here's why." It makes it sound like she really believes what she's saying is important so listen up. She explains that Duck Lips is stronger than the tool she was last night.

Duck Lips misses the whole point and prattles on some more about the food and the heat. Wow, her boyfriend/fiancé/whatever, really does not like being hot. Hm, maybe that's why he lives in Colorado. That's smart. Duck Lips starts blubbering about how she already lost one loved one to reality T.V. (as we recall, her ex husband committed suicide in 2011 after saying that reality T.V. had pushed him to the limit) and she's not going to lose another! Goodness, I've heard some awful things about reality T.V. but I've never heard of death by a heater set too high.

Dr. Jenn tries to explain to Duck Lips that her career did not kill her husband. I hate to tell her another doctor, Dr. Phil, disagrees. ("Exposing the difficulties of your marriage" led to his death, says the good doc.) I mean, it's Dr. Phil. I think he knows what he's talking about. Dueling media doctors!

This third doctor doesn't know what to make of the lot of them:

Actually that third doctor wasn't on the show at all but I stumbled upon his picture looking for the other one and thought it was funny.

Taylor reluctantly admits that chaos and not being in control are what really is upsetting her. Dr. Jenn says we'll have to address what's going on inside to be able to help her. Dr. Jenn, you are assuming she even has an inside and that is some assumption when it comes to this vortex!

Kelsey, Wu-Tang Clan's ex-prostitute girlfriend, is desperately trying to convince Wu-Tang that not all strippers are the same, but he's not having any of it.  Now if it's so hot, why is Wu-Tang Clan wearing a thick beanie on his head and all those layers, huh?

The best part of all this is Teen Duck Lips sitting over there all by her lonesome, making various shocked and appalled faces. Like she's such an authority on relationships.

If you missed how Teen Duck Lips ended up on this show single, you missed quite a treat. There really isn't time to explain the whole fiasco now, but let's just say it involved a fake boyfriend and how contrived this show is, of course, and it was all exposed in all its glory. Heh, good job, Teen Duck Lips.

Dr. Jenn gets the whole room teary-eyed when she tells Kelsey that no man can define who she is. Kelsey walks out, and when Dr. Jenn shoots him daggers Wu-Tang says nope, he won't follow after her. He's completely sunk into the massive couch and is practically reclined by now so I'm not sure he means he just doesn't want to go after her or he physically can't get up. Or maybe he's just comfy and not too hot. Anyway, the Book of Girlfriend Rules say Go after her, you idiot. I'm pretty sure it's in chapter one if not the preface. There have been no proven exceptions to this rule, ever, in the history of girlfriends. Just a little friendly tip from a lady, Wu-Tang.

Commercials (Why do the Mob Wives look more like somebody straight out of 50 Shades of Grey? Not your mother's mob wives.), and when we get back Wu-Tang is still stuck on the couch stubbornly refusing to go after Kelsey, even with Dr. Jenn giving him an even worse look than before the commercials. Wu-Tang, how many looks do you need before you get it? Another therapist, I guess Dr. Jenn's assistant, chats with Kelsey. What I take away from this conversation is it seems like Kelsey certainly loves Wu-Tang, but isn't getting a lot of respect and trust in return. Well, she has some weird hair going on there but she seems pretty nice. Seems like she could do better.

Teen Duck Lips launches into something or other about how she always changes her schedule to accommodate the guy, which Dr. Jenn calls giving up her power. Teen Duck Lips has powers? God help us. There's nothing wrong with changing your schedule for someone you love as long as he does it once in awhile too. Maybe I'm too simple about relationships, but if you don't like giving up your schedule to accommodate someone....then stop doing that. Problem solved. Next?

The nice lesbian couple is being awfully quiet during all this. I didn't even realize they were here until now. The look on their faces is classic. Basically like, "shiiiiit, and we thought we had issues?"

Duck Lips starts tearfully psychoanalyzing Teen Duck Lips. If that's not the blind leading the blind I don't know what is. Duck Lips says Teen Duck Lips trying to be a writer, restauranteur, make sex tapes, and some other endeavors, means she wants the world to love her.  Well, there's some projection if I ever saw it. Or maybe, Duck Lips, Teen Duck Lips just has a lot of interests: food, sex, the great American novel. Duck Lips says she does not want Teen Duck Lips to end up like her. It is hard to pick a side here, they both have marshmallows for brains. There really is no discernible side.

Dr. Jenn says Teen Duck Lips lives in a bubble and does not connect to people. Cut to the chase, isn't that basically narcissism? Or in Teen Duck Lips's case, a true sociopath. Naturally Farrah is in tearless tears by now. Why does her voice sound like someone cut off her vocal chords whenever she fake cries? It's creepy and rather villainous. I'm not uncaring I swear, I care about everything, she sobs.

Well, I'm glad we had this little talk, Dr. Jenn says, and she cuts them loose to enjoy the rest of their day. Ha.

Commercials, and we're back. Nice pool. God help production though if the water's too warm.

Poor Kelsey, she isn't asking much from Wu-Tang other than love and a solid relationship. She sounds like a great girlfriend who does not make unreasonable demands on her man like say, Farrah would. How can he sit there next to both the Duck Lips and not be appreciative of Kelsey? I don't like him. The lesbians and Teen Duck lips are having lunch with Kelsey outside and the gist of the girl talk is that Kelsey is a good person and Wu-Tang is full of it. Yep, pretty much.

Day Five dawns. Aw, the nice lesbians are rousing in bed, giving each other soft little kisses. I love sleepy little good morning kisses. This couple seems so healthy and normal compared to everyone else in the house. I was raised in a very conservative somewhat intolerant part of the country, but things have changed for me and even for much of the people I grew up with. It's hard to watch a nice couple like this, or say the absolutely heartbreaking documentary Bridegroom, and be able to say with a straight face these couples shouldn't have all the rights and protections that the other much less-likable f-ed up heterosexual couples in the house have. Do put in the effort to watch Bridegroom. It is an emotional ride but worth it.

So where are Jon and Liz you say? We know their flight was delayed due to a domestic terrorist attack at LAX. But it was only delayed by a day, maybe two. Jon alluded before to this gig being a sudden thing. I have a theory that after the fiasco with Farrah's not-a-boyfriend, Jon was who they scrounged up to replace them. Then they decided because Teen Duck Lips and her tearless tears are just so darn entertaining to watch even without not-a-boyfriend, they would keep her on. The show calls the delay "logistical issues" but I like my theory better.

Predictably, Wu-Tang is the type of guy who when he hugs his girl, has to go straight for the ass cheeks and squeeze them. Sigh, I've never met a woman who liked a hug like that. Hello, up here, my face is up here! I mean, at least caress her cheek or kiss her first before making a beeline for the rear.

Teen Duck Lips over breakfast says oh my God of course not I would never do porn, bite your tongues! The lesbians are like, well, that's cool, we're just saying we heard on good authority there is a pornographic film out there.

Ohhhh, you mean the sex tape? Well, yeah, she did that.

The lesbians tell the cameras in a nutshell Teen Duck Lips is a Kim Kardashian wanna-be. Ha, the lesbians so have her number, but are just brilliant at playing all nicey-nice with her. I love them. I know Duck Lips works herself all into a tizzy over the stupid things that come out of Farrah's mouth, but I think the lesbians are having a heck of a lot more fun keeping their cool and just playing along with her.

The housemates find out a new couple is coming in. For what feels like five minutes, which is like five hours in T.V. years, most of them lament how anxious they are about someone new coming into the group. Well, they're coming, so all this is a moot point. But that's reality T.V. for you. Drama.

Jon gives a quick summary of who he is in case you've been blessed not to know about this family, and I swear to God my ears heard him say that the family's show documented their "lies," though I think he more than likely said "lives." Same difference. He admits the household was militant and Kate emasculated him. If by emasculate he means she strung up his balls to the Christmas tree and everyone gathered around and sang Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, then yes, I guess he was "emasculated."

Jon says he was lonely until he met Liz. I like how they describe what they saw in each other when they first met. Jon was drawn to Liz's honesty. She certainly is bleeping honest, I'll give her that. Bleepedly bleep. I can see how that would be refreshing after being married to The Former Wife, as The Former Wife could very well be a clinical compulsive liar and is now, the very morning this episode aired, even making her own kids tell her lies. Liz liked how happy and genuine Jon is. They show a never before seen recent photo of all the kids with Liz and her three really cute blondie children. They look like they're in a park and they have bags like maybe they were on a Easter egg or peanut hunt, or perhaps collecting candy at a parade. Half the kids are sticking their tongues out playfully and everyone else is happy and smiling. The photo is strangely sad in that it shows that all eight do have such lovely normal moments with their dad and the woman in his life, but Kate can't just let it go and let them be when they are with him. This is exactly what we mean by the lies. TFW and her sheeple try to paint a picture of how terribly detrimental it is at Jon's, so bad why the twins are practically estranged from him. The photos show otherwise: happy and relaxed children who seem to get along just fine with Liz and her children and certainly their beloved father. I should be happy to see kids happy. Yet, I feel sad because until the parental alienation stops from both Kate and everyone left who supports her, they will not be free to love their father as they have a right to be able to.

Jon says he wants to move past the way he typically handles problems: passive aggressiveness. Well, that's a start, wanting to change.

Farrah is kind of giddy to meet Jon. She immediately recognizes him. People that want to be celebrities so badly themselves usually are pretty goofy around other celebs.  She and Kelsey scurry off to confer. Kelsey slowly remembers who he is. "Was he, like, the good person in the relationship?" Farrah asks. Well, Teen Duck Lips is not as dumb as we thought after all. Yes, Teen Duck Lips, he was the good one in the relationship. Which means Kate would be the bad one. We'll try to keep it simple for you.

Wu-Tang is basically like hell, I know that dude, and shh&&&t, he was going through some big sh&&t there. Yes, that is also true. Even Duck Lips admits Jon has really been through it, which surprises me in light of her issues with her husband really hating reality T.V. and she in turn hating him. But then she snootily remarks that she doesn't like their choice of rather frumpy hoodies and torn jeans to wear. I doubt she listened or cared if anyone told her about the terrorist attack and that they just spent the past two days in airports. It should be noted that it is was also late at night when they arrived; everyone is gathered by the outdoor fire, winding down for the night. I'm sorry for Duck Lips they did not drag out the cummerbund and panty hose for her. Is at least the temperature more to her liking now?

I know some folks weren't crazy about their outfits, and I don't claim myself to feel any desire to run out to the store to get my own knockoffs, but the fact is "frumpy" really is the style a lot of celebs are dressing in now. You can see the same exact style in countless recent pap photos of A-listers wearing ripped jeans and hoodies or other baggy tops, including January Jones and Rihanna, whose outfits in their respective pap photos look almost identical to Liz's, and even Gwyneth Paltrow, the Goopster herself, who apparently loves to wear her ripped jeans when she gets the hankering for strawberries. To prove my point, you know something has gone Hollywood A-lister when suddenly the price makes no sense whatsoever. Elliott Boyfriend Jean in Super Love Destroyed, the ones all the celebs are wearing, will set you back $229! For ripped jeans. Insane.

Anyway, Liz and Jon meet the rest of the cast, and everyone is more or less friendly. Except Duck Lips, who is obviously livid that she the world-famous and revered Duck Lips has to actually share a little screen time with such a D-lister. Heh. Jon remarks in an amiable tone he remembers meeting Duck Lips at some event awhile back. Mel said it best about this one, "Taylor was snooty in response. Like, omg, if we were at the same event it was a fluke....I am sooo much better than you scum types." Ha, exactly. The funniest thing is the event was "Night of a Million Reality Stars." Which from the name alone sounds like one of those L.A. autograph trade shows for has-beens and other D-lister mediocre types like Ted McGinley. Nothing wrong with that, but it's funny that Duck Lips, big as her head is, lowered herself to show up at something like that.

The lesbians watched the show and felt for Jon, which is exactly the reaction I would expect from good women like these two. They like Aaden (who doesn't?), and Jon and Liz just light up. Jon calls him "Chicken Little," and beams with pride. Aw, cute.

Jon says he and Kate are not civil because, well, Kate is suing him. Liz snickers, along with the rest of America. Liz also says she, Liz, needs therapy, which is good to hear. Truly, half of therapy is accepting you need therapy. Liz says she has to be the tough guy in the relationship. She also says it's hard to talk about herself. Jon was right, she is very different from Kate. Liz sort of reminds me of a young Jodi Foster, kinda rough around the edges. Similar voice and mannerisms too.

The house Duck Lips said was too small, Jon is overwhelmed by. It's huge. He says he could fit his whole family in the bedroom alone. Funny how two people from similar T.V. backgrounds could view the same thing so differently.

Liz and Jon get something quick to eat and talk about how Kate judges Jon and that he can't win. She never likes anyone he is with, which pretty much says it all. If I could play Dr. Jenn for a moment, it is not the women that bother Kate--it's Jon being happy, and that is pretty sociopathic. Liz said she tried to be open minded when meeting Kate but that didn't last long. Heh, you mean when you tweeted she rolled her car window up in your face? However Liz also says Jon plays victim about the situation, which is a fair comment.

They head straight into therapy with Dr. Jenn. Well, they wasted no time here. They first met when Jon noticed Liz in a parking lot and later picked her up at the bar. Romantic. Liz thought this was going to be some kind of one-night stand thing, but instead Jon just wanted to be held. Oh, sheesh, that's sad.

Liz said she didn't expect "Jon Gosselin" to be on her couch that night, and Jon gets all strung out because he hates when she calls him that. I'm with Liz on this one, she's just saying it was a little surreal to have a persona you've seen on T.V. suddenly be in your real life. Her initial reaction is a normal one, like how you might be taken aback if you actually saw Santa Claus come down your chimney and eat the cookies you left out you were planning to eat yourself. I see what she means about Jon playing victim, he is sort of being a big baby about some fair points she is making, but Dr. Jenn says she is diminishing his feelings and needs more compassion. I guess, but Jon throwing a fit about her being a little thrown off by a celebrity on her couch is pretty silly.

Jon is haunted by Kate and his past, he says. Normally I would say this is a little dramatic, but when you consider this .... globule.... is his ex:

 it's actually quite understandable. God, can you imagine being haunted by Kate Gosselin? And what sort of medium or ghost hunter would you call who would be willing to get rid of it?

Jon wants to get married, Liz does not because she's concerned that she's interchangeable to Jon. Jon shakes his head in disbelief saying that's just nonsense.

Well, after all that heaviness, coming up next the lesbians are googling Teen Duck Lips and are horrified. Yes!

We're back, and Teen Duck Lips is really looking forward to tomorrow so she can wake up and do her hair. And that is why Teen Duck Lips is such fun to watch. Hey, is anyone else missing Debra right about now? If you watched Farrah's show you know who I'm talking about. Why couldn't she come in and be Farrah's other half? Those two have enough issues to keep Dr. Jenn busy until retirement.

The lesbians are having a pow-wow and decide that Teen Duck Lips is lying about her sex tape because they've heard it was not just some random accidental sex tape but a heavily produced and planned pornography film put together by a camera crew. Ha, they're like let's Google it and decide for ourselves! This gives a whole new meaning to Google is your friend. It will even help you clarify what's porn and what's not, it's that awesome of a friendship. Do folks like Farrah honestly think, when they spout off all these lies, that no one knows how to use a computer? The lesbians find it, and they watch it. And they're horrified, of course. Their conclusion: Oh, full-on porn star, for sure. Baw-haha!

Coming up next week, the lesbians call out Teen Duck Lips on her heavily produced pornographic film. I don't know what this has to do with couples therapy and growing as a couple but this showdown sure looks great. In other news, Jon is still playing victim and Liz calls him a pussy for it.