Recap: Couples Therapy episode 4, That 'entrepreneurial' sex tape

Last week on Couples Therapy, Wu-Tang was upset because he's dating a wonderful woman who, oh sh&&&&t, is an ex-prostitute. He does not understand that not all ex-prostitutes are the same. I didn't know what 'I met her while I was on my grind. And I'm still on my grind' meant last week and I still don't know this week. Anyone? I tried going to Urban Dictionary, but that wasn't much help. It thinks grind means a large group of something, such as geese. Why would Wu-Tang be messing around with birds when there's a nice girl like Kelsey to pay attention to?

The lesbians play detective about Teen Duck Lips, growing increasingly suspicious her accidental unexpected unplanned "oops" sex tape was no mistake at all. They think it might actually have been produced. The lesbians crack me up. They are as serious as Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty, getting to the bottom of this.

There they are laptop out horrifying video keyed up, ready to solve some equations, calculate sunrises and sunsets and wind speeds, memorize some blueprints inch by inch and eventually save first-world civilization from Teen Duck Lips's evil reign. I for one salute them as true American heroes.

Coming up, Liz thinks Jon was masturbating, and Jon says um, what? I wasn't doing any such thing.

Liz, come on.

My bad mood is lifted immediately when I see Dr. Jenn has Teen Duck Lips talking about Debra! Yes! If they won't physically bring Debra on this show (please pretty please?), at least we should be able to talk about her. If you don't know the joy that is Teen Duck Lips's gestational carrier Debra Danielson, you need to marathon watch Teen Mom. She's remarkably well put together for such a nut. She even apparently is quite successful in the real estate business.

She looks a little like she could be Farrah Fawcett's sister, even styles her hair like her sometimes, but she's Howard Hughes crazy, maybe crazier.

Unfortunately that fantastic series was part of the big swiffer Netflix did on January 1 and is now gone from our streaming queues along with Braveheart, Mr. Bean, and a bunch of other great stuff (B.S., Netflix! What will I do without my Scotts, my Brits, and my dysfunctional Iowans?), but I'm sure you can find it somewhere. It's worth blowing a whole weekend to watch, I promise.

Credits roll, and then the lesbians rat out Teen Duck Lips to Duck Lips and her douchebag fiancé who's always too hot, letting them know the "sex tape" is actually produced pornography.  Oh, it's totally backdoor, too, they say.

Backdoor? I'll have to consult Urban Dictionary again for that, stand by ...... Oh, my word.

Well, that's "entrepreneurial" of her, says Duck Lips. Ha, good one, Duck Lips!

One of the lesbians explains look have I done sexual things on T.V.? Yes I have, and I will not stand in judgment of others doing that, too. My issue is that she lied to me about it. Just don't lie, that's not too much to ask. I really like these girls. They're just so rational and full of common sense, and it's refreshing.

They go in for group therapy. Is this all the same day as last episode? Jon and Liz are still wearing the same clothes and it's still dark out. That must have been some marathon night of filming, but as long as it's consenting adults, who cares?

Kelsey is upset that Wu-Tang has cheated on her in the past. He did? What right does he have then to judge her for being an ex-prostitute? Unclean hands! Good grief.

Wu-Tang sits there having a lightbulb moment for awhile, and for a second I think maybe he's going to tell Kelsey he's so sorry for being such a hypocritical tool, she's a great girlfriend and he loves her. But instead Wu-Tang is finally like, hold up, am I being cast as the "bad guy" in all this? Heh, it's like it just hit him how this is all going to be spun on our T.V. screens. Yes, Wu-Tang, you are indeed the bad guy. Too late. Not much progress made there, so Dr. Jenn switches to the lesbians.

Their biggest issue really is not being ready to settle down and one of them doesn't like to hug much. Seems kinda trite sitting among the likes of Duck Lips and Teen Duck Lips. Come back when you have real problems, you're not ready for prime time yet. Liz says she relates to that, since she needs her space sometimes. She sure makes Jon sound overbearing. Jon says sure he likes that closeness because his marriage didn't have a lot of affection and was more like a business transaction. That was one lucrative business transaction! This month, for the first time Jon publicly called Kate a narcissist, after she put the twins on T.V. on Today and they choked. I wonder if Jon has read about how narcissists withhold affection. Sounds like exactly what happened to him.

Is this a reality show or a press release? Jon says it's not true that he had affairs which ended the marriage. You see, the marriage actually ended because of post it notes. Wow, never knew that. I assume he must have been so smothered by Kate's to do lists he had to end it or suffocate.

Jon had a girlfriend when he met Liz, and when they took a break recently he slept with other women and even moved someone in. I guess I should be shocked, but I'm too distracted by the fact that Liz referred to her boyfriend during the split as "a dude." Yeah, she's totally that girl. The lesbians are literally covering their eyes, LOL!

I can't help but like Dr. Jenn, whose hair today is so straight it could be pick up sticks, because I think she understands this situation to an impressive degree, and is saying things that Jon desperately needs to hear. The doc says Jon is still rebelling against Kate (it's TFW, Dr. Jenn, but no matter) with Liz.

Duck Lips's fiancé, who if I didn't mention is Duck Lips's lawyer, also sometimes has trust issues because he gets jealous when Duck Lips talks to her fans. I keep picturing this couple like Joan Crawford and her boyfriend Greg Savitt (also her lawyer) in Mommie Dearest, where she tells him "You expect me to ignore my fans? They're life and death to me, baby! They're the ones who really made me!" And Greg says, "I expect you to walk in with me and sit down at your table with me!"

For some reason Duck Lips's troubles are deeply upsetting to Teen Duck Lips, who is in silent tears again over by her lonesome on the couch. She's even clutching a tissue for maximum effect. Teen Duck Lips uses props when she fake cries, she is really dedicated to this craft.

There goes those vocal chords again. Teen Duck Lips is upset about her sex tape. The lesbians are looking at her like, "Uh-huh .... Go on." Heh. She goes on. The lesbians finally can't help themselves, they're like, So, about this so-called sex tape, Teen Duck Lips. Ha, the lesbians are cracking up now. They can't keep it together anymore.

Oh dear, when even Duck Lips is resting her forehead on her hand in dismay you know it's going to be good. The lesbians calmly confront Teen Duck Lips, skillfully trapping Teen Duck Lips in a lie when she accidentally admits there was a camera person. Not that this actually took a lot of skill at all, they just basically let her talk and the lies spewed forth.

We're not judging you, we're not judging, they assure Teen Duck Lips. No, they're just having fun. That's not judgment. That's just a good time. Dr. Jenn interjects to make a useless comment that it's good Teen Duck Lips is talking about this. Good for our entertainment she must mean.

In a wide angle shot of the couples, you can catch Liz just quietly rubbing Jon's knee, almost subconsciously. Like when you're watching a movie and find yourself playing with your man's hair without realizing it. We never saw TFW make such a gentle gesture toward him and it's strangely kind of touching because clearly he is craving something tangible like that. I believe them that they love each other, I think they both just have a great deal of issues that need to be worked out first and they probably both would benefit from being truly single for awhile. No dating at all. Heck, a year from now they could get back together and be a completely different, and much healthier couple.

Coming up! Jon and Liz are a little behind about what the big deal is about this so-called sex tape, but don't worry Kelsey happily fills them in. Teen Duck Lips feels left out from the group, and trust her she can tell when she's being excluded. Is that because it happens to her all the time?

I can't wait to see Labor Day. I think Kate Winslett has emerged as one of the greatest actresses of her generation. Way better than jokes like Goopy here. Thank goodness Winslett didn't jump off that ship back in 1997.

We're back. Day 6, 12:21 p.m. Ha, this really is starting to feel like Zero Dark Thirty.

Kelsey is apologizing to Wu-Tang? What the...

Wu-Tang can't even bring himself to roll out of bed for her. Rather he acknowledges this heart to heart with a fist bump. Free Kelsey.

Over lunch, Kelsey tells Jon and Liz about sex tape gate, and their reaction is pretty much the same as everybody else's in the house. Yep, sounds like full on porn to us. Jon says just own up to it, sheesh, even Kim Kardashian owned up to hers. I just love how all the housemates love to rub it in that Teen Duck Lips is nothing more than a poor man's Kim Kardashian. Somehow it's just so insulting and clearly drives Teen Duck Lips crazy.

You know I haven't seen this sex tape, but I'll take Catelynn's word that Farrah sounds like a dying horse in it (ha-ha!). I can just see Cate and her sweet boyfriend Tyler pulling this up on their laptop and busting an absolute gut laughing. Teen Mom's Catelynn and Tyler have always been rather mature and trustworthy. Of all the teen parents equipped to raise a child, they were it. And yet they were the ones who gave their kid up for adoption, go figure. (By the way when Catelynn made that comment, Teen Duck Lips accused her of being jealous. Sound familiar?)

To settle any further debate about Jon and Liz's wardrobe, it looks like yesterday they were indeed just wearing frumpy airplane clothes. This afternoon, Jon has on a clean starched Navy polo, undershirt, and nice jeans, and Liz is wearing a conservative black shirt and pressed skirt. They look completely appropriate and professional. Which is kind of funny for a show as salacious as this.

Predictably, that awkward moment arrives where someone you've just been talking about walks into the room. Teen Duck Lips sashays in with her chopped salad, her usual unsettling lack of eye contact, and leaves as quickly as she arrived.

Jon says Teen Duck Lips probably did the tape to change her brand (ugh, I hate when he talks about brand when it comes to human beings, it's just so weird) but now it's blowing up in her face. Jon has practically earned a degree by now in Things Blowing Up in People's Faces. 2013 was the year of things blowing up in TFW's face while he and a handsome guy named Tuma watched from the sidelines popcorn in hand along with the rest of us mediocre.

Aw, Teen Duck Lips. Everyone is having fun out by the fire and Teen Duck Lips is inside by herself being left out. Poor thing. "These people" don't include her, she would never be friends with "these people," she tells a counselor.

Oh, Teen Duck Lips. For starters, you might stop addressing them as "these people" if you're serious about being included. She makes them sound so proletariat.

Aw, Teen Duck Lips has no friends because she's a sociopath and no one likes her, not even other sociopaths like Duck Lips. Wow, that's embarrassing. Usually most deviants can at least find a few friends in other similar deviants. Not Teen Duck Lips. This is all very boring, so while I wait for this sequence to be over I browse Urban Dictionary. I really want to know what Wu-Tang meant by meeting Kelsey on his grind, and I have an idea. Instead of searching for just "grind" I'm going to search for "on my grind."

Bingo, here it is! And now I know. Thanks, Urban Dictionary.

Coming up, finally we get to talk about Debra.

We're back, and Teen Duck Lips goes into a one-on-one session with Dr. Jenn. Dr. Jenn says at this point it's obvious Teen Duck Lips's boyfriend is not gonna show up. Ha, ya think? Teen Duck Lips whines that the housemates don't like her. I swear Dr. Jenn's eyes are drooping, she seems as bored with this as I am. That or the fake eyelashes make her eyes look half closed.

Most of Teen Duck Lips's boyfriends last five to six months. Sounds like it must take just about five or six months to get a complete picture of the depths of her insanity and hightail it out of there.

Dr. Jenn says the problem here is Teen Duck Lips doesn't have enough compassion for herself. For herself? No, that can't be. I skip back and listen to it again. Yes, for herself.  Dr. Jenn! Teen Duck Lips has no compassion for others. This is why she is a sociopath. I'm no psychologist, but way off base!

Teen Duck Lips judges herself too much. And three, two, one the vocal chords are gone. I can feel like this is about to take a long-awaited turn to her Mommy issues; I'm on the edge of my seat. And here it is: "whose voice is that in your head, where'd you learn that, who taught you that?" Dr. Jenn asks.

Oh, me, me. Can I answer?! This woman's voice?

Ding, ding, ding. Correct. Debra Danielson allegedly called Teen Duck Lips names, didn't love Teen Duck Lips, and tried to manipulate her out of her money. Now, Debra is no picnic no question, but I'm pretty sure she would have a different perspective on the situation. Debra owns more than one home and is a successful businesswoman, she really doesn't need Teen Duck Lips's thousands. I also don't believe she doesn't love her, though I do think she is too impatient and has a hard time expressing her love appropriately. As for the name calling, well, maybe she just didn't know what to do with a sociopathic child who went off and got herself pregnant at 16. I wonder if she felt like the mother in We Need to Talk about Kevin, who noticed something was wrong with her sociopath son from almost the moment he was born, but never really knew how to handle it. Who would? And the way Teen Duck Lips verbally abused her mother while her mother just took it, was outrageous--it's all on film. I think Teen Duck Lips is pretty much saying they're estranged now. Big surprise there.  So many of Teen Duck Lips's issues remind me of TFW's issues, and I also have my strong suspicions that Kate's version of her parents may not be reality. Maybe they were just as frustrated with their narcissistic child as Debra is. Any parent trying to raise someone like this must feel like they can't do anything right, and the thing is, sometimes for people like Teen Duck Lips that's probably true. Shout out to Dmasy on this blog who recommended We Need to Talk about Kevin, and to all the other great literary and film recommendations over the years from the folks here.

I love how loosely tied this all is to the original concept of the show, "couples" therapy. This is more like, "why you can't find yourself in a couple to begin with" therapy. But since Teen Duck Lips is just so darn addicting, the producers are rolling with it. Oh noes, Debra nagged Teen Duck Lips too. Dr. Jenn just cocks her head to the side at that, like pups do.

"You know we're going to need to bring them in here at some point" to resolve this, Dr. Jenn says.

Commercials. I really cannot wait to see Dr. Jenn psychoanalyze the Abrahams all in the same room. This is like I'm eight years old waiting for Christmas morning and it just feels like it will never get here, the anticipation is that great. I hope she comes out on Debra's side.

It's the birthday of one of the lesbians, so they throw a party with a bunch of their friends from the outside. They've even got some people dressed up as mermaids for the pool, which is fun. Teen Duck Lips says she's actually having a good time. I think Teen Duck Lips doesn't have a clue why a statement like that is offensive and certainly obnoxious, and that that attitude is probably why no one likes her. On the remote chance she ever cruises by here, I'll spell it out for her. Saying you are surprised to be having fun implies that you did not expect you could have a good time with the people you are with. And that is mean and hurts those people's feelings. There. I kind of feel like the experts are right, it's probably true that you can't change a narcissist. No amount of explaining over the years seems to help Teen Duck Lips understand, or for that matter TFW. I almost wonder if the only possible way to change them is to have them memorize what is appropriate to say and what is not, like you would middle school flash cards. They wouldn't understand why something is the way it is but they may be able to memorize not to do it.

The lesbians really have buckets and buckets of friends, and they all seem to really love them. That says a lot about the lesbians. You don't need to necessarily have a lot of friends to prove you're a good person, but the friends you have do need to be sincere, and these people were very sincere tonight. In some ways I feel sad for the Duck Lips girls because I doubt they know or understand anything like this.

Later that night, the other lesbian is upset because the birthday girl was flirting with Wu-Tang. Because she laughed and gave him a hug? And Wu-Tang, really? He's such an ogre and is mean to Kelsey. This feels so fake. Just as I predicted the birthday girl is like oh my God even if I were straight I wouldn't be attracted to him! Haha. I really don't believe any of this.

Day 7, and the lesbians quickly make up from their fake fight and are back to being normal and likable. Speaking of suspending disbelief, here goes. Jon is in bed, and Liz walks in and thinks he's masturbating. Jon says he was just scratching. Since they don't really show much, much less anyone masturbating, it's kind of pointless to debate what really happened. What is obvious is this is a heavily edited scene with more than the usual cuts, splices and dialogue occurring off camera. Something doesn't add up. Um, no pun intended.

Later in the day, Jon explains that he was hurt and embarrassed that Liz didn't believe him, and withdrew from her.

This is the moment where I stopped liking Liz, when before I felt like, even though she's rough around the edges, Jon needed someone like her to call him out. But I meant call him out on the big things, not on silliness like this. Liz is way over the top strung out about this. Has she known a man before? Any man. Or boy. Or anyone with a Mr. Happy, who apparently, according to that sex, always wants you to come out and play, worse than even the most annoying kid on the block growing up. Liz even admits she's withholding sex from him. So, it's okay for her to withhold sex from him, but not okay for him to relieve some tension from that in a perfectly normal and harmless way? Would she rather he have affairs? She can't be pleased. Now Liz is cackling and making fun of him, and Jon really looks crushed. What a jerk she is being, what the heck?

Liz claims Jon is being victim and needs to man up. Jon's eye contact and deep hurt make me think he is telling the truth about this, that he wasn't masturbating. Telling the truth is not being a victim, and I don't see what manning up has to do with anything.

Jon says when Liz laughs at him and walks away it reminds him of how his marriage was. Oh, dear, that's sad. But not surprising. The extent of Kate Gosselin's humor is picking on others. She is a bully of the worst kind, and I don't know how he could have missed that before he put a ring on it. It is shocking the way Jon has found himself in yet another relationship where he is so deeply disrespected. No one should have to endure being cackled at except Disney princesses.

Next time, thank goodness Dr. Jenn gets it and is accusing Liz of shaming and emasculating Jon. Exactly.  Now Wu-Tang wants a threesome? Oh good grief, this guy. Kelsey finally snaps and throws juice in his face, cheers!!!