Recap: Couples Therapy episode 5, A crumb of a boyfriend

Last time on Couple Therapy, Wu-Tang was on his grind when he met Kelsey and still is. The lesbians had a fake fight, and Liz thinks Jon is a pussy. Thanks to Urban Dictionary I learned that on my grind means you're working. You know, plugging away at putting food on the table and such. Maybe I'm dense, but it just occurred to me that Wu-Tang might not exactly mean sitting at his desk job filling out spread sheets when he talks about on his "grind."

Coming up, Dr. Jenn rightly calls Liz out for being such a jerk to Jon, and Duck Lips makes an awesome and epic duck face! We never thought it possible, but Wu-Tang is actually an even bigger jerk than before, because apparently he's been seeing another woman while he was with nice, patient, loving Kelsey. Kelsey can only take so much, and gets him back for it by throwing juice in his face. Which I'm sure felt good and was certainly well-deserved so I don't care how immature it looks. Let's face it, he had that juice coming.

Did I mention the independent music on this show? It's not half bad and a great way for raw talent to get their music played. Right now they're spinning "I Want You" by Lindi Ortega. She seems like she's sort of a cross between full-on punk and a bad-ass country singer. Even in her video she has this jet black emo hair, yet bright red cowboy boots. Heh. She's Canadian too! Never heard of her before but I dig it.

Everyone's eating, or working out, or getting ready for the day. Kelsey is giving Wu-Tang the biggest stink eye behind Wu-Tang's back. Ha! This is one of those times where he deserves every bit of her passive aggressiveness. I never expected to care so much about the other people on this show, Kelsey especially and I quite like the lesbians too. That's what happens when you get sucked into such a reality T.V. vortex, which is why it should be avoided in the first place, and I'm really rooting for Kelsey to get out of this horrific "relationship" and find a man who appreciates her for the awesome girlfriend that she is.

Group sessions. Today, Dr. Jenn says, we're going to start talking about S-E-X! Start? I thought that's all we've been talking about that I noticed.

Brrrr, Jon makes Kate sound as frigid as a Nor'easter. Their marriage was pretty sexless or when they did have sex it was a chore. Jon is very attracted to Liz and appreciates their physical relationship. I've always felt like anthropologist and pastor Gary Chapman's five love languages theory is one of the best ways to describe how people give and receive love. Chapman's theory is essentially that people tend to understand love either by words of affirmation, doing acts of service for someone, giving gifts, just spending time together, or physical touch. Depending on what language you best speak, you might not be compatible with someone who speaks a different one. For instance someone who just wants your time, might not understand a partner who spends all day away from home looking for just the right gift. They'd rather just have you around. The partner who then brings home the perfect gift that ends up not being all that appreciated, is crushed. People who speak different languages can work out if they just learn what language their partner speaks and make an effort to cater to that.

Kate's love language is bitterness and hate but since that's not one of Dr. Chapman's options I'm going to say if she speaks one of these at all it would be gifts and acts of service. Of course she would speak the things you can more or less put a price tag on, because she only understands dollars and cents and a points system. It's clear that while Jon tried to run around like a madman doing her bidding, deep down he always craved a more physical relationship, and she withheld it.

Jon said he was going to masturbate the other day, and then Liz walked in. I'm pleasantly surprised that Dr. Jenn gives Liz what for over her juvenile reaction, calling it hostile and emasculating and says she humiliated him over a private moment. That's right, masturbation is something private, and normal, and Liz needs to grow up. And as we recall from last week, Liz admitted she was withholding sex from him, which is passive aggressive. Wow, Liz looks so ashamed of herself she's nearly tearful. Well, it's nice to see she understands. Duck Lips twists and contorts her giant duck lips into an amazing sneer! I can't tell whether that's a sneer toward Liz or Jon or maybe just a fuzzy on the couch but it sure is funny. Jon says when Liz does stuff like that it reminds him of Kate. Oh, Jon, no one is quite like Kate, that's blasphemous.

Dr. Jenn actually agrees Liz is being just like Kate, oh snap! I love that that's such a huge insult, just to simply say you're like that person in general. Usually when you say someone reminds you of someone it's supposed to be a compliment. I bet Kate is watching every minute of this, winding and rewinding all the parts with Jon, and it's fun to picture her face. Dr. Jenn tells Jon that Liz's name calling is not acceptable and that if she does it again he is to immediately step up and tell her that she cannot talk to him like that. That's good, because I think so many of Jon's problems over the years could have been mitigated had he simply stepped up right there and then and said excuse me TFW (or TLC, or whoever) but that is not acceptable. He lets things go on too long. He's like a pressure cooker, steaming and hissing for so long until the lid finally pops off, but by that point he's so mad he can be irrational.

Liz and Jon both say they want to be more responsive to each other's needs, Jon just says he doesn't want to feel ashamed of masturbating and Dr. Jenn says he shouldn't have to be. I've been nodding along so much to what Dr. Jenn is saying the past few episodes I feel like a bobble doll.

Woo-hoo, we turn to Teen Duck Lips, who says her dad caught her having sex when she was 15 and then everyone knew, and her family is just so gosh darn judgmental about it. Well, I should hope to baby Jesus her family was judgmental if they caught her having sex at 15. Good grief. She had sex at 15. She was careless enough to get pregnant when birth control these days is almost foolproof and easier to get than a stick of gum. She had the baby. Then she more or less dumped the baby on her parents. And she acts like how dare they tell her what to do. I really cannot imagine the poor Abrahams having this nincompoop as their child, they must have been beside themselves. Please bring them onto this show, pretty please with sugar on top?

Teen Duck Lips is confused why all her boyfriends always want to have sex. Because they have a weiner, that's why, it's not personal, Teen Duck Lips. These days Teen Duck Lips has shut down sexually, she doesn't even masturbate. Umm. Even Dr. Jenn is like okay, moving on now, Wu-Tang and Kelsey?

Dr. Jenn says Wu-Tang lives in a world where men are encouraged to be #&$*^&*^@#$@#$.

Where men are what? I have no idea what she just said but I think it's awesome that Dr. Jenn can just throw out a word so bad it needs that much beeping and not a stick straight hair moves out of place on her head. Dr. Jenn goes Walter White on us for a moment and explains that after a woman has been with a man for a few months her brain releases oxytocin, the hormone responsible for the bonding that occurs in relationships.

Kelsey has bonded to Wu-Tang of all people and Dr. Jenn says that surprises Wu-Tang. It surprises all of us too. Kelsey was with her son's father for seven years and when they split she didn't have sex for a year before she jumped back in the sack with Wu-Tang. Wu-Tang is like, um, whoa, didn't know it was that special. He looks really guilty about something right now. We will soon find out what.

Kelsey feels very disrespected and wants an apology. "I'm sorry, again," Wu-Tang says in that snotty tone that says he's not sorry at all, he's only sorry he got called out. Kelsey, get rid of this dead weight.

Commercials, and we're back with the lesbians. They have a few minor sexual issues that are rather boring. Whitney says their relationship is sort of a mother-daughter dynamic. I never saw that but I'll take her word for it. I like how Liz is gazing at them, without judgment and fully attentive to what they're saying. She does this to everyone. I give her a lot of credit for giving this 100% of her effort.

Dr. Jenn says profoundly, sex is never just about sex. Have a nice day everyone!

The lesbians are still strung out about the group session and now they're fighting. I think in general couples therapy is good for a couple. But I think this is one of those rare instances where this is a couple that was doing well and didn't really need therapy, and all it's doing is picking at old sores and making them bleed. The lesbians seemed healthy and happy when they came into this experiment. I think Dr. Jenn's "therapy" is in effect stirring the pot, making issues out of non-issues, and getting them upset when they were just fine before.

The morning of Day 8. This is the moment where I liked Liz again. She tells Jon she's sorry about their stupid argument, and that if he has certain needs he just needs to tell her. Liz screwed up, talked about it in therapy, listened to her therapist's suggestions, was contrite, and made a real effort to change. And therein lies the difference between normal people like her, or the lesbians, or Kelsey, versus people like your Duck Lips squared, Wu-Tang, or Kate. Humans are flawed, some more than others. But I will never write off anyone who is putting in a sincere effort to change and grow. And I think it's worth noting that Liz is still a relatively young woman. Other than her ex-husband whom she must have been with awhile to have three kids, how many real relationships has she really had? I think if she can get to where she just got at only 28 or so, there's a lot of hope for her. Liz makes Jon laugh, and he looks at her like we've never seen him look at Kate. That sort of glazed over, quiet look like he can't see anything, or anyone, else in the room. The look every woman needs. Jon is truly in love with her, and I wish them the best.

Dr. Jenn does a one-on-one with Wu-Tang. I've realized that when this show does a one-on-one that means something really salacious or shocking is about to happen so I perk up.

I love women, women love me, Wu-Tang claims. What? Not this woman. Wu-Tang complains that Kelsey is moving too fast. Huh? They've been together a whole year already. Too fast how so?

I think I figured Wu-Tang out. Wu-Tang Clan was an immensely popular group about fifteen years ago, and I'm sure he lived like a rock star for it for many years and made buckets of money and had buckets of women who wanted his buckets of money. And so he didn't have to behave like a good boyfriend in any of those relationships because he didn't need to because he had the money and lavish lifestyle to make up for it. Wu-Tang Clan is still popular, but nowhere near the way things used to be, and he is finally with a woman who doesn't care so much about who he is or his money, but rather just wants a good boyfriend. Not only does he have no idea how to be that but he seems almost offended that he is required to change how he's been living for so long. Like she should just worship him any which way he is because he's Wu-Tang. To break down and just be a good boyfriend like every other man has to be is almost like admitting that the height of his fame is a thing of the past.

Wu-Tang admits he's been with another woman for two years. That's why he looked so guilty earlier!  He thinks it would be a scathingly brilliant idea if Latrice and Kelsey met each other. He thinks the only way he can really decide who he wants to be with is to see them in the same room. Jeepers, you're not choosing wallpaper, Wu-Tang. What a pig.

Uh-huh, says Dr. Jenn, slowly nodding. Um, yeah, that's a terrible idea, you oaf. You can tell she's sort of torn about the ratings, but I also think she's gotten to like Kelsey just like viewers have. Dr. Jenn is basically like hey, I wouldn't be opposed to talking to Latrice, but we are not going to hurt Kelsey in the process, okay? Here, here!

Does the other woman know about this whole Couples Therapy thing with Kelsey? Dr. Jenn asks. Oh, come on, Dr. Jenn, you already know the answer to that--of course she doesn't know. Except I guess she knows by now!

Commercials. From all these Twizzlers and hot Cheetos commercials I think I have a pretty good idea what demographic watches VH1.

People in the house seem to like Jon and Liz, which says a lot. Kelsey is tossing a football with Liz, and invites "J" to come join them. Aw. Jon says he'll be right there. He talks to Whitney, who is looking really bummed about things. Jon empathizes with her, telling her he's been there. At least I got all my masturbation talk out of the way, Jon quips, making her laugh. Ha. And aw. He's totally the type of guy that doesn't mind listening to your girl problems and just wants to see you smiling again. Unlike sort of the Todd Palin types and many other men who just run the opposite direction and avoid such conflicts at all costs. It's nice to have a guy friend like Jon.

Whitney goes to Sada who, oh dear, is crying. Sada claims she's really needy and needs affection, yet when Whitney tries to go to her and hugs her, she pretty much blows her off. Okay, whatever. Dr. Jenn says it's time to sit down with the lesbians and get to the bottom of this.

Dr. Jenn says Sada needs to treat Whitney better (yes) and that really sets Sada off because she thinks she treats Whitney like a queen. I don't think she understands that rejecting a sweet and sincere hug when you are crying is not treating your wife very nicely. Whitney doesn't like the bickering in their relationship. Sada admits her parents' relationship was pretty tumultuous. Dr. Jenn asks if there was abuse, and Sada says calmly look I signed up to air my own issues, but I don't think it's fair to air the dirty laundry of my family members in the process. Even though I think her childhood is probably something she is going to need to confront at some point, I can respect that. She can get therapy in private later to talk about her childhood. VH1 need not be the place.

Dr. Jenn to her credit doesn't pressure her about that and just says they're going to need to change things or the relationship is doomed.

Day Nine. Duck Lips and her douchebag fiancé are eating outside. Hey, how come Duck Lips has barely said a word the past two episodes? It can't possibly be that she's behaving herself and not doing much anything of interest. I have a conspiracy theory that after her stupid diva blowup over the heat in the bedroom, production decided to "punish" her for it by editing her out of almost everything. If there's one way to get to a narcissist, it's to edit their ugly mug out. Ha!

Kelsey is outside doing some yoga poses. It's going to take more than a little yoga to fix this, Kelsey. Dr. Jenn meets with Kelsey and Wu-Tang. Kelsey said she's afraid of losing Wu-Tang. Sigh, why??? Lose him!

Be careful when you just let someone give you crumbs in a relationship that you don't start thinking that's all you deserve, Dr. Jenn says. Wow, that is a good one, Dr. Jenn. Put that on a platitudes poster. I love food analogies, too.

Wu-Tang breaks the news that he's seeing Latrice. Oh, poor Kelsey, she looks absolutely devastated, as expected. Despite Dr. Jenn just telling Wu-Tang what a terrible awful no good very bad idea it is to bring in Latrice, Wu-Tang still persists with the notion that he wants Kelsey and Latrice to sit down together. Gaa!

 

What the heck is that about, Kelsey asks, are you trying to get us in the same room so you can see us together and pick who you want? Yep, that's exactly the sick thing he was thinking, Kelsey. Just like wallpaper. Would you like your drink now because I happen to have some apple juice on hand!

Wu-Tang tries to say Kelsey is no better springing her past on him, about her being a stripper.

Oh don't you even go there! Dr. Jenn immediately jumps in, raising her voice for the first time all season. And here I thought her flat and frozen monotone was the only thing she could do because of all the Botox. Boy was I wrong. She gets those lips moving somehow and says something Kelsey did four years ago she's never done since is not anything like what you're doing presently, you tool! Haha!

Are we done now? Wu-Tang asks, like this is all Kelsey's doing. Oh, don't even think about it; we're done "when Kelsey says we're done," Dr. Jenn says. Oh!!! Dr. Jenn can't even look at Wu-Tang right now, she's that pissed.

Wu-Tang tries to apologize and Kelsey says yeah right you're not sorry and storms out. Cough, so, I take it now we're done?

Commercials. We're back, and poor, poor Kelsey is wondering well geez am I the "side chick" or is she? That's funny I was wondering the same thing and I am kind of afraid Kelsey is really the side chick. That's f-ed up, Kelsey says. Sometimes things really just are f-ed up.

Why can Wu-Tang never get out of bed to have a serious conversation? Get off your ass. It's so disrespectful. If I were Kelsey I wouldn't even talk to him when he is reclined like that. Get up off the bed, sit up straight, and look me in the eyes like a man. Why is Kelsey even listening to him at this point?

Latrice should be more mad than you because I was with her first, Wu-Tang says irrationally. Huh? They both should be furious, what does it matter who he thinks should be madder?

My heart is not a toy, Kelsey says. No, it's not. So just stop this and get out. Wu-Tang rubs her leg, holds her hand, tries to touch her face. Ugh, stop! "Who the f---- are you?" Kelsey blurts. Inexplicably, he asks her to be a doll and go get him some apple juice, his poor throat is just parched. Kelsey is like oh you want apple juice? Oh, sure I'll get you some apple juice. Apple juice, comin' right up. Heh.

You didn't spit in it did you? Wu-Tang demands.

Oh, no she didn't spit in it, Wu-Tang. In one quick motion Kelsey tosses it all in his face, then turns around and walks away. Ahh, that felt good. To Kelsey and to us viewers.

Next time, finally Duck Lips is back in action and can smell a rat from a mile away. She may have impressive lips but don't be fooled, her nose is in tip top condition too. So far I haven't heard one peep out of her fiancé except for him to complain how hot he is. I hope Duck Lips is talking about how Dr. Jenn is falling for Teen Duck Lips's sob story about her childhood the rest of America doesn't believe since, oops, so much of it is on film and we judged for ourselves who really was the bad guy in the family (hint, it's Farrah). I really think Dr. Jenn has not seen Teen Mom, how could she have? Maybe she should do some binge watching this weekend before she goes taking up for Teen Duck Lips like this over the rest of her family. Look, Debra is a nut, no question, and Michael is a pushover, and neither of them are very patient or would win any parenting awards. But Teen Duck lips is a true sociopath, like straight jacket crazy. It was not easy for them to raise her, that much was clear.

Predictably, Latrice shows up, and whoosh there they go. Kelsey and Latrice sit in the same room like pretty little wallpaper swatches, just like Wu-Tang wanted. I knew Dr. Jenn couldn't resist that ratings bonanza.