Recap: Couples Therapy episode 7, a cone without an ice cream scoop

Last time on Couples Therapy, Dr. Jenn called Liz out for calling Jon a pussy. Ratings won out over therapeutic ethics and respect for a good person's feelings, so Dr. Jenn brought in Wu-Tang's other woman on the side to meet Kelsey. Or as we soon realized it's actually Kelsey who is on the side. They're both just side dishes really.

Coming up, Latrice and Kelsey bond over what a pig their mutual boyfriend is. Sada and Duck Lips tell it like it is to Jon. God, I hate that I agree with Duck Lips. I thought the world would turn round the other way on its axis before that would ever happen but here we are.

As I remarked last time, I had just noticed that Kelsey's earrings are giant safety pins. Now that I see them up close, I see they even have diamonds on them. It's a little hard to take her seriously when those safety pins are swinging back and forth.

Kelsey storms out of therapy and you know who immediately gets up and goes to comfort her? Duck Lips of all people. She even leaves the side of her fiancé, you know the one who's always too hot, to go tend to the poor girl.

You know for many former stars, trying to do a comeback on reality T.V. just hurts them. In particular, I had had all good ideas about Dionne Warwick, I would even sometimes hum "That's What Friends are For" in the shower, that is until she went on Celebrity Apprentice. She was just mean. A real bully. And lazy. All in all I would not want to be her friend. And then there are people who go on reality T.V. and they end up being super cool, likable, and hard-working, and their stint on reality T.V. only serves to boost their image. I'm thinking Kelly Osbourne or Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars, both of whom were really hard to hate when they went on that show. Well, Duck Lips is doing some pretty darn fine rehabilitation the past several episodes. Before, I thought she was a fool and a duck. Now I think she's still a fool and a duck, but a nice fool and a friendly duck.

Dr. Jenn goes to her too and basically implies that Kelsey needs to leave Wu-Tang, it's over at this point. This is why Kelsey has a beautiful heart. She says she feels bad for Latrice sort of being in the same position she is in. Who, when they are faced with such a terrible situation, is concerned with how the other woman feels about it? Kelsey, that's who.

Latrice and Wu-Tang are still back in the therapy room. The look on Latrice's face suggests she's a pretty sharp tool in the shed. She says given Kelsey's emotional reaction, you, Wu-Tang, must have said some pretty deep stuff to her.

"I tell her what I tell her," Wu-Tang says. "She got caught up." Pig. Tool. Pig with tools.

Dr. Jenn comes back. She's so pissed. When she's this pissed, she tends to suck her collagen lips in all the way and purses them. It's quite interesting to watch, it looks like she has a giant wad of cotton in her mouth. She tells Wu-Tang that Kelsey is very hurt, and that Kelsey and Latrice need to talk alone.

Kelsey says she wants Latrice to understand that Wu-Tang lead her to believe that he was very serious about her, and that this is some real bullshit. Latrice agrees. Ha. Women will claw each other's eyes out one moment but the second they realize that they both got played by the same man, they're thicker than thieves. The ex-girlfriends club is always fun.

Kelsey, you are someone to admire. She actually wants to apologize to Latrice because she's sure Latrice is hurt. Even though none of this was Kelsey's fault. Wu-Tang should be apologizing, but I'm guessing Kelsey knows he probably won't or if he does it won't be sincere. And this is why that old adage don't judge someone by how they look often rings so true. Kelsey has some kind of bleached out mohawk, a tattoo behind her ear, some other purple spear-like thing stuck through her ear, and giant safety pin earrings. I'm sure our grandmothers would cringe and lead us in the other direction if we encountered her on the street, praying for her as we go. Yet she has one of the kindest, most empathetic souls I've ever seen. You think you're praying for her when really she was praying for you and wishing you health, happiness and prosperity long before you ever thought to do the same for her.

It's important to Kelsey to point out that if she had any inclination Latrice was around she would not have been with him, period. Latrice is upset in her own right. Kelsey tells her that just like she's been learning, crumbs of his love are not enough, you deserve better. Latrice is not sure she can get past this and trust him.

"You ain't gotta worry about me and him no more, that's for damn sure," Kelsey says. Oh thank God for that.

Wu-Tang is outside, head in hands. The future is grim for his relationship with Kelsey. Look, she just fell for me too quick and before he knew it he had some kind of emotionally invested in-love woman on his hands, he explains. What the hell? Why does he keep acting like this was some kind of whirlwind romance Danny Bonaduce style? It wasn't at all. They've been dating a year! And it's not like Kelsey is talking his ear off about marriage or having kids. Geez, a year of dating is a lifetime in Hollywood. In a year the rest of folks like him have already been engaged, broken off the engagement, and now gotten back together and are pregnant due this summer.

Commercials, we're back and Duck Lips is checking in on Kelsey again. Aw, she's very sad for her. Duck Lips is in general an emotional basket case, but I wouldn't say this is behavior typical of a narcissist. It's actually quite selfless. Kelsey reiterates that she's not going to sit around waiting for Wu-Tang to choose, she's done.

Kelsey takes the very wise step of sleeping on the couch that night.

The next day, Wu-Tang sits down with Sarah, one of the resident counselors Dr. Jenn always passes off the work she doesn't want to do, like when Duck Lips and her fiancé were hot.

He says he's never had issues with women like this before. Yeah because you kept it all a big secret from everyone so no one knew they should be upset! Wu-Tang says this blew up in his face like a cigar. Like a cigar? Cigars explode? What kind of cigars is he smoking?

In the evening Dr. Jenn sits down with the group for a "fun activity." Oh, potato sack racing? Hula hooping? She says Teen Duck Lips was oh so very "brave" to do therapy by herself. Oh good grief, this kind of coddling and endless pats on the back is not what Teen Duck Lips needs. I like Duck Lips's no-nonsense approach, basically telling Teen Duck Lips she's f--ed up and that's all there is to it. Ha.

Sarah Gooding and Dr. Steve Oldridge of the online dating site Plenty of Fish are there.

Now, before you are fooled into thinking this is some kind of legitimate endeavor, let's talk about Plenty of Fish. Plenty of Fish was started by a recent college grad and computer nerd named Markus Frind from Canada. He was bored with his day job and thought he could make a boatload of money off an online dating site by making it free but just supporting it with Google's Adsense ads (the same ads we use here on realitytvkids.com). His plan worked. He made millions. He is one of Adsense's greatest "success stories." He boasts that he only really has to work an hour a day on the site. But because it's free, you get what you pay for, and the site has an absolutely terrible reputation for attracting cheaters (a cheater can't have his wife finding Eharmony.com on the family credit card), losers and freaks, and even being so dangerous law enforcement has issued warnings about it. Anyone who finds their future husband or wife on there usually makes up a story about how they met at the gym or reaching for the same jar of pickles at Safeway.

This so-called doctor, Steve Oldridge, is not a doctor in psychology, or sociology, or anthropology, you know something that might remotely qualify him to dissect a stranger's relationship. His doctorate is in electrical and computer engineering, which is probably why Plenty of Fish hired him, because they needed an egghead and statistician to run a web site and make them more money, not Dr. Drew to hold someone's hand. Sarah Gooding just does public relations for the site, so she's no expert. This is just a cross promotion endeavor that has some serious ethical implications that I doubt anyone considered.

Point being, Plenty of Fish is not qualified to analyze a relationship, are not qualified to offer therapeutic type services or understand the ethical obligations of such things, and in my opinion should not present themselves as so qualified. They are qualified to make money off people's need for companionship or sex, nothing more. At least Dr. Jenn said this is just supposed to be a fun game, but in what follows obviously Jon did not take it that way. I wish he knew more about Plenty of Fish before going in.

They pass out tablets for everyone to fill out Plenty of Fish's compatibility survey. Jon already is annoyed by this "game," saying he doesn't need to fill out a dating profile when he already is with his girlfriend. Fair point. The lesbians and Duck Lips just see it as something fun as women tend to see surveys like this. Most of us grew up with Seventeen and know that relationship surveys are just a part of a healthy lifestyle! I think it's mean to make Kelsey and Wu-Tang fill this out when she already said their relationship is over.

Obviously Teen Duck Lips can't fill out a compatibility quiz with a nonexistent boyfriend, LOLOL, so Dr. Jenn has the brilliant idea to make her set up an online profile and go on a date so Dr. Jenn can analyze the date. Oh that's great, I love it and cannot wait. Can they bring her parents in too? The music they are playing is by Switchfoot, which is absolutely one of the greatest most under appreciated bands of the past ten years. They sound like Third Eye Blind only more talented. If you've missed them they have nine albums out, so you can binge listen.

Commercials, and I flip to the Olympics. I'm worried about Bob Costas. If Russia's medical care is anything like their hotel rooms I'd be nervous. Now his infection has spread to both eyes, and it's so bad he's been off the past several nights and that stupid Meredith Vieira "reporter" is filling in. Remember her infamous interview with Kate Gosselin years ago, where Kate cried tearless tears as she explained she had a purse full of bills, Jon took all her money, and that she couldn't even sleep at night?, poor thing. Meredith couldn't ask a follow up question if her life depended on it, like if Jon took all your money why are you in the McMansion and kids in an elite private school, and you fluttering off to NYC for hair extensions every three weeks leaving the kids with a nanny? Is that the behavior of someone whose husband stole all their money and can't even sleep at night? And shouldn't this be a dispute that should be settled by a judge in private, not the court of public opinion?

Day 14, and the Plenty of Fish hacks analyze the compatibility quizzes. Duck Lips and her fiancé are compatible. I think if you are both hot or cold at the same time, that's a good sign you can have a long and happy marriage. There's really nothing worse than fighting over the thermostat every evening.

Kelsey and Wu-Tang are incompatible. Ha, thanks for the reminder, says Kelsey.

The Plenty of Fish hack Gooding says that Teen Duck Lips shouldn't say she wants to get married on her profile because that comes on too strong. I think that's rubbish and that they don't know what they're talking about. I don't buy this crap about that scaring guys off. If a man is scared off because you simply say that you'd like to get married someday, then you don't need him in the first place. A good man will appreciate your honesty and prefer knowing where you'd like to go in the relationship before you're head over heels in love but he was never interested in settling down. Besides, I think Teen Duck Lips has a moral obligation to disclose that she is looking to put a ring on it because any man who does will also be signing up for this woman as their mother-in-law.

The lesbians are compatible, obviously. They're great together. The only reason Whitney rated high in avoiding temptations is because she thought the question meant are you good at saying no to a nice big delicious bowl of melting ice cream. Ha.

Note: This is a stock photo of ice cream. I did not make it or photograph it!

The egghead is very cute for an egghead.

On to Jon and Liz. Egghead says being divorced and having kids can make it less likely to form a successful relationship. What's he basing that on? As the folks here would say, "link please!" Statistics/links actually show the majority of people who get divorced end up getting married successfully again, some pegging it as high as 80%. Of those who do remarry most report high levels of satisfaction in the new marriage as opposed to those who don't remarry. Regardless who he is talking about, so much out of these POF people's mouths seems just flat out made up out of nowhere and it's really getting annoying. You can't just say whatever about something as personal as someone's relationship without knowing what you're talking about, at least I don't think it's right that you should.

Liz and Jon rated low in "family orientation" whatever that means, and that suggests they may feels constrained by their kids. Liz makes a big face and says that's nonsense, what the f-ity f, dude! While they have eleven kids between them and of course that's hard at times, family is huge to them, they're both family oriented, she explains. I wonder if the "family orientation" questions were like the question Whitney thought was about ice cream, like if you were a tree what tree would you be? And if you say willow that means you aren't "family oriented" because it blows around in the breeze a lot.

The have drinking and smoking in common, which actually is a good thing because it's hard for those who choose to abstain to be with someone who does not. This annoys Liz that this is the only positive thing they said about them. Ultimately the POF people say they're incompatible.

Gooding and Egghead admit that the test can't measure chemistry and that some couples like them on their site do just fine, but it's more rare. Jon says he doesn't need a computer to tell him how he feels about Liz. Heck, if he can hack as good as Kate thinks, he should be working for Plenty of Fish, fire Egghead there and put Jon in his spot.

Jon and Liz talk about the test afterward. Liz seems upset too but tries to remind Jon it was just a game. I think Jon hits the nail on the head when he says this reminds him of being on T.V. before, where he would sort of be "set up." I think that is a very fair statement, as I firmly believe that TLC manipulated the situation to an incredible degree, especially financially, to paint Kate as the long-suffering wife and he the bad guy, and ensure that the person who had no problem with filming the crap out of the little money makers just coincidentally happened to get awarded custody, wouldn't ya know it! There is no question about this to me. After finally seeing this scene myself, I think the crux of why Jon is upset is because it's bringing up demons in his past he has never dealt with in a healthy manner. I doubt TLC ever apologized to him for what they did, and I doubt he's really confronted them about it so he could sort of get some closure with it. The POF folks touched a nerve, and his gut reaction is to just call his manager, leave the show and be done with it (although to be fair, he never does call his manager or leave the show, he simply said that's what he felt like doing. There's a difference). I don't, however, think this POF test was a set up. Designed to cause conflict, yes. Deliberately manipulating test results, no. It was a dumb test given by people who are not qualified to give it and Jon and Liz happened to flunk and that's it.

Dr. Jenn comes out to talk to Jon. He says Dr. Jenn was endorsing something bogus. Dr. Jenn said it wasn't a set up, it was just supposed to be fun, scout's honor. She would go "ballistic" if such a thing ever happened, goodness me. She would never allow anything "fake" on her show!

Why do I get a feeling this is also her version of a "rebuttal" to Teen Duck Lip's friend? How sneaky of her. Teen Duck Lips's friend said the whole show was prepared to bring him on and "pretend" he was Teen Duck Lips's boyfriend when he was not, and he even has the emails from them to prove it.  This is pretty much what a fake set up is, so I think the lady doth protest too much.

Liz is so upset she's in tears. Duck Lips and the lesbians all admit regardless of the silly test, forget the test, their own personal observations are that Jon and Liz aren't right for each other. This is not unlike what many viewers here have said, and obviously we're not trying to set anyone up, so I don't think anyone is saying this just to screw with them. I think for most people this sort of thing is being said out of concern for Jon and wanting what's best for a guy we've come to sort of "know" through the years via our T.V. sets and wanting what's best for the parents of children we've also come to care about.

Dr. Jenn actually does a pretty good job talking Jon back down. She says hey let's focus on the many areas you are compatible, and we'll give time to the areas you're not compatible, and you both have come so far already. That seems to reassure Jon and he calms down almost immediately. He admits he overreacted, and he says he does feel he's in a safe environment and is comfortable talking to Dr. Jenn. He apologizes to Dr. Jenn and thanks her, and Dr. Jenn is gracious enough to tell him no apology is necessary. That was nice. I give her credit for being patient but persistent with him.

Commercials, and I never thought a Dominos commercial would make me cry. It's about how you might think your pizza maker is just a punk kid but a lot of them are doing really great things when they're not making pizzas, like working on beautiful artwork. It's a commercial about not looking down on someone based on just what you see or where they work, which society seems to need constant reminders about. 

We're back, and I guess now this is couples therapy for Wu-Tang and Latrice? Heh. Dr. Jenn meets with the couple.

Kelsey says she can't be mad at Latrice because Latrice is in the same shoes that Kelsey is in. This woman has more insight that most women twice her age. This made me curious who she is and how she could possibly be so introspective at such a young age. There isn't much about her since she's a relative unknown talent, but I did find this interview with her where she talks about her childhood growing up in Indiana:

"I grew up a middle child of 10 kids we moved around a lot, I was a girl that came from a small city with a huge imagination. Growing up at first was a little challenging. I was bullied pretty badly in 5th grade which changed me a lot. So by the time I got to middle school and high school. I was already making a name for myself. I was a cheerleader and a pretty good student with a 3.0 GPA. I was very popular. However I still had my troubles and challenges here and there like being pregnant in high school but I didnt let that stop me it only made me go harder."

So we know she came from a big family with lots of kids in small town America, which explains her genuine personality, ability to work so well with others and her empathy for Jon and Liz's big family. We also know she was fairly smart, maintaining good grades while doing sports, too. She also from a young age turned challenges into opportunities, like not giving up her dreams just because she got pregnant. Hands down, she is the most interesting and admirable cast member of the whole lot of them.

Wu-Tang says he's sorry and he still loves her. Latrice says sorry, sucker, but it's over. I'm not your wallpaper to pick for the guest room. Oh, I love this. He deserves every bit of it. In the course of his quest to choose which ice cream flavor was best for him, he was too arrogant to think that maybe one or both of the girls might decide they don't want to be in his cone in the first place. Ha, Daddy wants a hug from his baby but she won't do it, so Dr. Jenn does the honors. Good luck to you, Latrice, you too seem like you deserve better.  

Wu-Tang tells Kelsey what happened and she seems as sorry as one possibly could be about that given the situation. She says she's going to stay on the show for the therapy and to try to be a better person. Kelsey, you're a fine person, and I really don't think there is all that much to work on here, except for a few denial issues which anyone would have in your shoes. I think you were duped by a very good con-artist. It could happen to anyone. I have every reason to believe you will move on from this and find a great man who treats you like you should, and probably soon. 

The lesbians ask Teen Duck Lips what is going on with her POF date. Haha, I was wondering that just as much, lesbians! Pop the popcorn, I want to see Dr. Jenn psycho analyze Teen Duck Lips's dates. Teen Duck Lips said she got a few messages saying she was cute but that they didn't want to go on a T.V. show.

Noooo, somebody turned down an opportunity to be on reality T.V.? Can't be. Even guys in Los Angeles don't want to be on T.V.? I thought everyone would do it too.

"Well, I'm just like whatever, if you're not going to be okay with T.V. than f--it you're not ever going to be in my life," Teen Duck Lips says defiantly as she goes off to probably eat another chopped salad. Ha, like she thinks she's going to be on T.V. forever. Too funny.

The lesbians, Duck Lips and her fiancé and Jon are hanging out in the back. You can tell Whitney is trying to be very respectful when she brings up Jon being upset about POF. Duck Lips says that she does not like the way Liz called him a pussy. She says it's very "unfair" to him. Sada says Liz is dominating and belittling. Duck Lips' fiancé says he needs to demand respect from her. I know Jon feels attacked here, but I get the strong sense that every single person who is confronting him about this is doing it because they genuinely care about the guy and don't like what they see.

Jon goes off to tell Liz they're talking about her. Liz comes out to talk to the group. Duck Lips admits they were talking about the relationship, and says look he just needs you to love him. "This demeaning thing you do to him, you [Jon] don't deserve that," Duck Lips says.

When did Duck Lips emerge as such an authority on functional relationships? Color me surprised to be in agreement with her.

Liz's defensive idea on this is that they don't know her well enough and haven't observed them enough. She says these people are horrendous and terrible. Not really. The ones horrendous and terrible aren't even sitting here right now. I like most of the ones here. I'm all for believing that many reality shows encourage conflict, fighting, and drama, but I think these people are actually just trying to help. Just because Liz doesn't want to hear what their observations are doesn't make the observations themselves wrong.

Next time on Couples Therapy, some other stuff happens I don't care about and oh my God oh my God oh my God Debra is here Debra is here Debra is here!!! And she's standing up for herself and saying I never did the things Teen Duck Lips says I did, Dr. Jenn!!! Woo-hoo!!!