Recap: Kate Plus 8: Sextuplets Turn 10 part 1: I ate ate!

The recap is a little later than I thought; I honest to goodness was going to do it Thursday night. Then I lost the use of almost an entire row of keyboard keys Wednesday evening. That's right, the d, f, g, h, j, k, and l keys just went poof. I pounded them a bit, because maybe I just wasn't pressing hard enough in this particular area of the keyboard. Didn't work. I wondered who the a and s keys had paid off. I eventually realized this made "I hate Kate" really difficult to type. "I ate ate" just doesn't calm me down at all.  Even I hate TFW wouldn't work. That was amounting to "I ate TW," which means a whole other thing that's entirely inappropriate for children

Our summer weather is finally poking through the June gloom but there's still never any parking, so I had to steal a spot at the grocery store, buy a jar of marinara sauce and a couple bananas to make me feel like I had good morals and values, and take a long walk in the blistering sun to the Apple Store for my Genius Bar appointment. My d, f, g, h, j, k, and l keys aren't working, I explained, dabbing the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand, and I really need the K like now. Apple blue man, who actually has quite a nice name I won't disclose, was not so interested in my K woes. But he ran a few tests and promptly announced,  "It looks like your d, f, g, h, j, k, and l keys aren't working. We'll have to fix those." Yes. If you please.

I like how these early 20-somethings have a way of sort of shaming you over your stupid laptop. It's your laptop and you can do what you want with it, even be reckless. I mean, you paid for it. They look at you like your dad looked at you in 1986 when you were 20 minutes late for curfew. "So, you spilled something on the keys?" Apple asked disapprovingly.

"No!" I exclaimed, scandalized. "I never eat or drink or even think of such things around my laptop!" I didn't want to let him down.

"Yeah they always say that, then we open it up and find a puddle of sticky diet Sprite."

Yikes. You can't get anything past these blue men. He was making me nervous, like interrogation nervous. And then I was laughing at myself for being nervous, heh. But he laughed too, which was cute. Okay, fine, maybe I did spill a little. Once. It was a Corona. It snorted out when somebody or other on the blog here made yet another wise crack. It was just a few drops, and it was a really long time ago. I can't say he was asking me this to see if I would be covered by my warranty, because my warranty has long since been blown and he knew that. So he was just generally shaming. Probably for fun. A pastime. Count how many people own up to their Corona mishaps in an hour's time. Blue men are sick people.

Alas the Mac will be back next week all prettied up and alcohol free. In the meantime I've dusted off an old Dell which has about 30 seconds of battery life if you accidentally unplug it, so you have to try not to do that or really hurry if it happens. First world problems: I know it when I have them. Now I'm finally off with the recap, checking my power connection every few minutes as I go!

Coming up on Kate Plus 8: Sextuplets Turn 10. Cousin It here decided it's time to throw the "little kids" a big birthday party. Cousin It went to the Joan Crawford school of parenting in that It has a problem with parents who let their children win. Because that turned out oh so well for Christina.

For all the T.V. Cousin It watches you would think she would have seen that film by now. I mean, it replays all the time. She probably skipped over DVRing it because she's not interested in some other mother being the dearest. Hey, I thought we aren't allowed to judge how someone parents. I thought we are to support parents and especially mothers no matter how f-ed up their parenting is. Or is only It allowed to have a problem with how other people parent? Heh.

If you're wondering why I'm referring to Kate as Cousin It, it's not because I can't get my K to work. It's because the hair is really that bad. Like a flat, sad little shih tzu with roots.

Well they certainly had fun with this in the editing room. It crows on and on about how the surprise she has in store for the kids will be the most amazinglish wonderful thing ever and she will probably be crowned bestest Mommy in all the land. Then TLC cuts to the children around the dinner table just as Aaden's face falls. Nice touch.

Credits roll. I think these are pretty similar to what they had before, only you can tell they are really under a tight budget because there was no real photo shoot this time. They just use screen captures of Kate and the kids from the couch interviews. Some of the captures are pretty lazy, with the kids not making their best smile or expression. Cara's is even a little blurry, lol. It was probably one of those things where the deadline is 6 p.m. and you just need the photo in there you don't have time to mess around with getting it perfect. Hannah's hair looks just like Kate during her Baby Jane phase. It looks ridiculous on a ten year old. Also now that she has gotten older she's the spitting image of photos I've seen of Kate when she was a child, only brunette. The rest of the kids look like Jon, mercifully, especially Alexis and the boys, only they have Kate's large teeth. They will grow into those I'm sure but at this age it's awkward. Which is another reason kids this age should be left to hit puberty in private. Even the group photos at the end are old, old, old, which is so silly when it's supposed to be an "update." LOL I can just picture Cousin It's rage when she found out there would be no photo shoot day this time around. No day to glam and primp for hours and play celebrity with Deanna and the "team" while the kids push and shove and raid the food truck.

March. Spring Break. Kate says they've grown up a lot since the cameras left and really learned what's important. Which would be? She never says. I'm going to take a guess she hasn't learned that privacy is the most important thing right now for her famous children and she's vowed to protect it with everything she has from now on.

Oh, Cousin It has been replaced by Baby Jane, which is a bit jarring.

For continuity sake, you should probably stick with the same "look" for one update special or if you must change your look, do something subtle like wear your hair up instead of down. She looks like a completely different person and it's distracting. I get this sense about her she likes showing up with some completely new and different hairstyle every time her fugly mug shows up on T.V. or even more than once on the same program. Because that's what all the cool celebrities do like Brad Pitt. Only he manages to pull the constantly changing thing off without coming across like a complete tool, so he gets a pass.

Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall is just about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's a pity his "just hold me while I quietly cry because I feel guilty that I indirectly caused my kid brother's death" look didn't make it to the above graphic because it was the best one. Okay I can't help myself here it is:

Told ya.

Baby Jane's skin looks like it got run over by a Mack Truck. I hope it has insurance. Kate's right a lot has changed!

Meet Zorro, the newest member of the Gosselin family to be exploited. Okay he's kinda cute, and at least he probably has no idea what a hellhole he lives in. A producer is asking Jane mundane questions about their morning routine and sounds bored. Jane's answers are equally boring. On school days they have breakfast early. On non-school days, it's later. Um, sometimes they make it themselves. Um, sometimes I make it. Um, shoot me. It's hysterical how they act like there is something special and interesting about multiples and meal times. There's not. You prepare more food. Pretend it's a dinner party with eight of your friends over, only this happens every day. Nobody asks how you possibly managed to get dinner on the table for eight friends. Eventually after ten years of this you'd think you'd get into a routine and this wouldn't be a big deal anymore, but it's Baby Jane and she loves talking about the super special ways she does the most mundane of things.

The kids come down for breakfast and Leah gives Baby Jane the most epic eye roll. I'm not sure what that was about, something about a missing sweatshirt and the laundry, but that made my day. Apparently from the moment they wake up they give her absolute hell, even when Jane is trying to be nice to them, and that makes me happy because karma is fun. Does anyone remember that really sweet Disney actress Noley Thornton from the 90's? She was an amazing young actress who one day just abruptly disappeared. I'd love to know why that was, if it was because she chose to leave or the roles dried up. It's hard to imagine the roles dried up. She was holding her own working with legends like Patricia Neal.

Anyway I bring her up because Alexis reminds me a lot of her. It's been impossible to find out what ever happened to Noley other than at some point she studied film at Chapman, which is a very good film school. I wish her the best, she was pretty in demand and must have spent a huge chunk of her childhood on movie sets. I'd love to chat with her about all that someday.

The kids are really wild about the bird. I'm glad they have something to care about. Kate comes about as close to admitting the kids' father is still alive when she says they haven't seen Zorro all weekend since they just got back. Back from? I don't think the kids were off having a spa weekend in the Poconos. It's very sad she can't acknowledge their father's very real presence in their lives.

He loves Rice Krispies! the girls say. Ha, aw. Aaden explains that Zorro is also known as "the president." Um, Aaden, this is about as far from a democracy as you can get. But I appreciate Zorro's optimism. Somebody's gotta try an' veto this bitch once in awhile.

I like Zorro. Hey maybe that's what that dumb Hailey meant about this special pulling presidential ratings. She thought it was actually going to feature the president. You know there's nothing funnier or more pathetic than an ex-girlfriend who ponies up to another ex-girlfriend or ex-wife just because the only thing you even remotely have in common is you both hate your ex.

We saw this part in the promo. Kate has already started a bunch of eggs but only now asks the children do they want eggs. Ah, narcissists are so fun. Nice little trap there, because the only answer is really yes. I mean, yes please, Mommie dearest. If you don't want eggs, you'll be punished for the ungrateful little brat you are. Or at the very least you're made to feel guilty because Jane already spent so much time and energy preparing them so lovingly for you while you got your sleep.

Quick shot of Mady doing her hair in the bathroom. Eek, that's creepy. Can we at least leave the bathrooms off limits? Mady looks really different without makeup. I didn't realize how much she was wearing before.

Poor shmoopy has been home a lot more since the traveling has dried up. She must hate that. Good.

It's hard for Baby Jane to grasp that her children can pour their own cereal these days. No, she really says this. These children are 10 and 13. Shouldn't she be well used to this amazing feat by now? I heard they have started walking too, and drink out of cups. A few are even talking in full sentences. Shmoopy makes sure with every boring thought she shares with us we notice that she spent 49.99 getting her nails all dolled up for the occasion.

Yes shmoop, the kids are self-sufficient now. Which is just the first step in them NOT NEEDING YOU ANY MORE WHICH MEANS YOU'RE IRRELEVANT. Ha-ha, you're toast, shmoops.

"Vacuum up Christmas tree needles" needs to be written into their lengthy and painful chore charts? Only shmoops could suck the ever living joy out of Christmas by making a chore out of picking up after Jesus.

The kids have been asking what it was like when they were babies, like how did they take care of them all. That's kind of cute. Shows they really are getting older and are finally understanding what they are and what that meant when they came into the world. Why wouldn't you just love this time in their lives instead of constantly pining after the baby years? Kids who ask questions about themselves when they were babies are fun!

A few boring flashback clips. The most we see of Jon are his hands feeding the babies a banana. Still, I'd be calling up TLC demanding my cut, Jon!

The girls explain that the "only" chores the boys do are take care of their fifty chickens.  Oh well the only thing a farmer does is farm. Geez, they're mean. Also that's a lie, since we know from their chore charts seen on Wife Swap that the boys are also on bathroom duty. Kendra thought it was very unfair they never rotated the chores. Kendra is right. And Kate has learned nothing from that experience as nothing has changed. Basically the boys are still on constant shit duty, chicken, human or otherwise.

Kate says the reason they have chickens is so the boys can have a "man chore." Whoa, cue 1955. What the hell? How come you don't have chickens because they produce yummy eggs and are fun and feathery? Also as others have pointed out, chickens, Kate, are traditionally not a "man chore." She's so dumb and senseless it's painful. In fact there are a good number of paintings from the 19th century telling us exactly who has always done this work.

 Julien Dupre, French, 1851-1910

 Oh she's such a bitch. She's praying for the boys, because it's not optimal to be raised by just your mom.  First of all they see their father every other weekend and have a dinner date once a week. It's entirely unfair to imply he does not also raise them. They are usually in school or on the bus from sunup to late afternoon; it's not like they see much of Kate during the week. How much quality time can they possibly spend with her during the week between homework, activities and other obligations and eight kids in the house? So practically speaking it really amounts to each parent sharing the only time when no one is running around like crazy equally. And I bet they don't spend all their time with Jon choring, so the time is of higher quality. Plus she leaves them at the drop of a hat for weeks at a time to go screw around in New York City on the set of Celebrity Apprentice or go live with the Basketts in Calabasas, so they have been without her plenty. I think she knows exactly how condescending she sounds toward Jon when she says she's praying for his fatherless children. And ironic too since she dropped the religious schtick ages ago. She doesn't even try to claim they're watching the church services on streaming anymore. Do you remember how religious they were in the beginning? I mean it was heavy. It's funny how God completely went by the wayside, only to be resurrected when He's needed to slam Jon. I for one am praying to God that He in his infinite wisdom will un-fix her face because whatever He did to it it's not pretty.

Some old clips of Aaden, who was probably the cutest of all the babies. He's grown into a pretty cool kid, with rad glasses and a fun belly laugh. I really like the boys. They tease each other but it's not usually nasty and cruel like the girls are. "Sometimes he's a little clueless. In a good way, in a good way!" Collin says. Ha. What's good clueless? I guess this would be good clueless:

Wook at him he's so cuteeeeee. Commercials! How many Amish shows does TLC have anyway? Couldn't they consolidate? As @localyocul pointed out, The Learning Channel has become the little people multiples cake channel. I will add to that the Amish little people multiples cake channel. I guess you will learn a bit about religion, a little bit about reckless reproduction, a bit about obscure medical problems, and a bit about baking. A well rounded education.

Mady gets her LAST REDEMPTION (cue the timpani) when she dares to suggest that the lame "fun things" Kate has planned over spring break might not be fun. That tragic clip has been discussed enough so I won't belabor it too much except to say Mady when you play the Game of Thrones you win or your die.

"I got those girls cell phones and ipads so I could take them away." She's realized she can get under their skin by cutting off their friends. She's good at shit like that. Cutting people off I mean. And getting under everybody's skin.

They can go to this play zone thing but they can only pick two fun activities to do. You may not pick one. You may not pick three. You will make your selections and write your name on the fun zone chart in blue marker for boys and red marker for girls. You will use capital letters, no cursive. Once you have made your selections the contract becomes binding. Should you fail in this mission, your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.

The kids expressions are priceless. They're so dazed and most of them are hugging their knees. You would think she just told them where babies come from. It doesn't take a body language expert to dissect this one. They look both like Kate has never talked to them about fun before and like they're afraid of her. It's funny at first then mostly just disturbing.

Mady tells the little kids about one of the activities and says it's pretty dumb because you can't even touch the ball so don't pick that one. This really pisses Kate off, because apparently Mady is not allowed to give her siblings advice. As @Layla and others so astutely pointed out, the hook of this show was the dynamic between Kate and Jon. Now that he's been so marginalized they need someone new Kate can spar with. Cue Mady! Except, she's thirteen. A child. "Their developing self-esteem is at stake," Layla explained. "It's not a level playing field, and it's not fair."

The twins didn't want to go to play zone at all, they explain. Well, I'm sure they didn't. I've been to play zone type places and they're usually more for little kids. Plus who wants to go to something geared for younger kids with a bunch of your younger siblings. It's just normal to resist this and it's no wonder Mady is frustrated.

Mady explains that she's been trying to talk to Kate all day and Kate just blows her off. I can't imagine that. Kate says she can't talk to her because all she does is whine. Kate is making such a teenager 101 mistake here in that she is trying to debate the issue with Mady.

Mady is a teenager and this is why she has no filter, Kate says. Nope, Mady has lived with you for the past 13 years, that's why she's finally just laying it all out there, shmoops.

Like any mother-daughter relationship, sometimes we don't get along, Mady explains happily on the couch, probably some several hours or days later. Ha, sounds like Mady has been studying the Gosselin PR/BS manual like a good Shmoopy Youth. Kate is sitting right next to her ready to snap her fingers just in case.

Baw-haha, Kate dramatically talks about how she broke her "foot" last year and doesn't want to do that again.  Mom, you broke your toe, one of them explains. Toe, toe, toe! all the rest chime in forcefully. Kate, welcome to the concept of "ganging up." They've figured it out, and it's glorious.

Wow she's really pissed off that they're not letting her set the agenda here finally. Finally I am enjoying this show. "I don't really care!" she says with a childish wave of her hand. "It was broken and you still forced me to hobble about and feed you!" When all else fails pull the "I feed you so I'm the martyr so shut up" card. That's very mature. For that little stunt @AuntieAnne dubbed her the Hobbling Harridan. Lol, perfection. I'm proud to say it happens often on this particular blog.

I love how nothing, nothing is ever Kate's fault. Ever. It's not that she tripped on the island. It's that the island tripped HH. Heh, even the island wants out.

"There's nothing to yell about!" Kate yells.

Lol, the producer is soooo bored. "So you guys have a hard time making a decision as a big group?" he asked tiredly.

"Yes," the twins explain, equally bored.

At this point my DirectTV loses its signal. It's a clear sunny California day and my Direct TV only goes out about once a year, so this is weird. I can only conclude it's gone the way of the island too and can't stand this woman. It leaves me with a bizarre error message reading, "this location is not authorized." That sounds so final.

Well, a reboot did the trick and I'm back. That was scary for about two minutes. Now we're profiling Hannah, the golden child. Of course she's mature, kind and beyond her years, Kate explains earnestly. Why, it's hard to imagine she's part of the sextuplets she's so touched by an Irish angel.

The little kids are a little more on this planet. They say well, let's see how to describe Hannah. Hannah loves animals. Heh. Well yeah cause she's ten not Gandhi. It's a relief to know none of the kids appear to be nuts.

Commercials. Did you know TLC is offering life tips now? Naturally they're life tips for dummies, like keep an extra pair of flats in the office to slip on when you leave work and head to happy hour. Does their average viewer even go to happy hour? I thought most people watching this channel have either toddlers or grandkids and have to fill up on gas after work and swing by CVS for some wipies. I guess this is learning in any case. Nobody wants sore feet.

They spend an incredibly long time talking about the car situation, but they show a few clips of Jon helping the kids get buckled in so it's worth it. Kate "gave" the first BBB to Jon. Wait, the same BBB that they were grifted back in the day? Lol, I have never seen anyone so self-serving. Conveniently nobody makes mention of the two other cars she has including that Audi. Heh.

Some nice workers at Play Days organize some games for the kids. Mady doesn't want to be there, and Kate doesn't like her attitude. Mady explains it's not an attitude issue it's that Kate is not listening to her. Oh, Kate's listening, Mady. She'll just never respect or care about your wants and needs. Mady would be better off saying the opposite, that she does desperately want to be there. Then she might have a much better chance of getting to stay home.

The editors are cracking me up. When Kate talks about some meltdowns the kids used to have as babies, they show a clip of mostly just Kate melting down. Ha! Her number. They have it. And also, this is not a meltdown. This is a thirteen year old child with needs calmly and rationally telling her mother she would prefer not to attend this particular event. What's wrong with that?

Can you imagine if they made an entire series out of all this? I mean, absolutely nothing has happened and we're halfway through the show.

Jenna, Mady's best friend, shows up to Play Days and Mady is instantly much happier.

"You should have told me that. I hate surprises," Mady scolds. Had she just known Jenna was coming she says she would have been in a much better mood. I'm sure that's true. Kate, the bitch, says fine I just won't invite any friends next time then.

Ugh. Oh my God.

"Who does that?" Mady demands. Yeah that is pretty screwed up. I mean, surprises should have a purpose behind them, such as you don't want to spoil the birthday or anniversary surprise until the moment the gift or trip arrives. To withhold someone's friend from them, pretend like nobody's coming to help make this bearable for them, and watch your daughter be in a terrible mood all day because she thinks she's going to have to hang out with her younger siblings the whole time, is actually pretty sadistic. Kate likes to watch her children squirm, and I know there must be a word for that somewhere. Psychotic maybe?

They're playing some kind of variation of dodge ball and Kate is crazy eyes competitive. Well that's frightening to watch. Oh speaking of Crazy Eyes, there was a pop up food truck going around L.A. today promoting Orange is the New Black. A couple of my friends ran into it and posted photos. They had pie and, you guessed it, chocolate and vanilla swirl ice cream. That's so brilliant and fun. I heart that women's prison.

Like they showed in the beginning, Kate has an opinion about other people's parenting! Hypocrite. She even wrote an entire blog posts about how we should only build parents up called "Walk a Day in my Heels." Heh, tool. Thanks to @Kateisatwit for finding it. "It’s time for all of us to make a change whereby all parents truly stick together! Period! No more contests, no more darts; just support, help, and concern for each other!"

Hey, I don't have a problem if Kate disagrees with how someone parents. We're allowed to have disagreements and say so, that is how society progresses and does not become sheep and how we ultimately raise better children. Our goal as a human race should be to communally raise better children, even though we all have our own respective children. Because better children means the human race is stronger. Ultimately I think that's the evolutionary reasons behind why so many people give a crap about somebody else's parenting. I mean, somewhere along the way somebody felt the need to say hey Ezra maybe you should let your child speak at the dinner table once in awhile. Somewhere along the way somebody said hey Prudence maybe we shouldn't hit little Elizabeth here with that paddle. They did it because we all have a vested interest in making things better for society's children, or should.

A picture of pugs dressed up as pilgrims because it's my blog and I can.

But then that's going to go for Kate too. If she criticizes other parents then she too is subject to criticism.

So, she doesn't think parents should let their kids win. At ... anything? Ever?

Oh where to begin. Congratulations, shmoops, you beat a thirteen year old at dodgeball. No one is saying always let your children win. Although come to think of it, my sweet father always, always let us win. I don't think he is capable of beating us, his gentle heart just won't let him do it. That said, what kids need is a healthy dose of both. The need to win some things so they learn how to win, and they need to lose some things so they learn how to lose. The awesome posters on this blog suggested a game of chance like Candy Land to accomplish this goal. That way you don't have to be sort of "dishonest" in letting them win. They will win and lose sometimes in games of chance. So beat them sometimes, and don't beat them sometimes. I guarantee you when they have properly learned how to handle both, they will ask you not to let them win anymore. Just be patient, it comes at about age 15. All that results in never letting your kid win is a child who grows into a frighteningly competitive adult who takes pleasure in pummeling little children with red nerf balls and can't get a date because Dad never let them win at Connect Four when they were seven.

You know her "don't let them win" attitude stretches across the board. It's clear whenever Mady engages with her Kate must have the last word on it and she'll swipe iphones and torture them with surprises and such to be sure she "wins."

Kate's so psycho out there on the court that Mady hurts her knee trying to keep up. Even while Mady is still limping Kate keeps going, just outright pummeling her until she wins. Then she tries to hug her, but Mady dives away in disgust.

"I'm sorry. I had to," Kate says later on the couch.

"I don't accept your apology," Mady retorts. Good, because that wasn't an apology.

Mady and Cara have the same personalities as they did when they were younger only Cara is more beaten down and Mady is more bitter. They show a little montage. It's good to see the twins seem to still like each other and have remained close. Mady needs constant reminders to take on a task to the best of her ability and win, Kate explains.

Win what? Life is not one giant game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, geez. Why is it so important to her the kids be so competitive? Hard-working, yes, but competitive? That can definitely be a negative trait especially when it comes between you and knowing when to quit. This is so funny because Kate doesn't seem to appreciate that this is exactly how Mady behaves towards her. She takes Kate to task and must win. And she does a pretty good job of it for a 13-year-old. It's become a battle of wills of epic proportions, and the awesome thing is there will be at least five more years of this karma every day for shmoops.

They flashback to the time when they ice skated for the first time. I really appreciate how respectful TLC is being to Jon. Every clip of him shows him being a loving and attentive father. For instance his gentle hand on Mady's back when she fell on the ice. I forgot how patient and gentle he generally was with the children when they were little. A few moments of frustration can be forgiven when the vast majority of the time you are very kind and attentive.

Back to today, and these kids still can't ice skate? Wow this is bad. Geez every kid living in the Northeast should know how to do that by now. Joel is the perfect child, Kate announces. I'm sure the other kids appreciate hearing that. Oh, the kids know she feels that way so don't worry, she explains. Oh, okay then.

Kate can't even stand up on the ice. Where has she been the past 39 years? She gets on a chair and the kids push her around. "Is this how you're going to push me when I'm old?" she asks. Eh, maybe. Though I imagine that may look something more like this:

The ice skating wasn't so bad. They had fun and Kate was okay to them, minus making it all about her when she made a spectacle of herself out on the ice..

Some of the younger kids are playing in the living room. Seemingly without provocation Collin blurts out to Hannah that her hair is ugly. Probably just pent up frustration since it's not fun to be the scapegoat and watch the golden child be treated like princess for a day every day.

Kate yells at him across the room that he shouldn't say things like that and we should only build others up. Oh, so that's what that little rampage she went on against the non-fans last year was about, building others up? What about when she ripped Kendra a new one with a laundry list of issues and basically accused her of being lazy and waited on hand and foot by Hank Sr.? Heh.

Collin looks absolutely crushed and just when I think she's really shut him up for good, he says, I was just being honest, it was ugly.

Oh shit.

Collin's eyes are full of tears. Poor kid. Kate explains that he needs to put his words through a filter and instead of saying that's ugly, say something like, "I've seen it look better." Haha. Oh, yeah cause that's so much nicer. Good grief. It's rather amusing watching someone with some of the worst social skills I've ever seen lecture her son about social skills. I especially like the part where she instructs Collin not to be honest. Well, that's confusing. I kind of look like Carrie Ann right now, cheek resting on my hand, just sort of equally fascinated and incredulous of this borg.

Oh and hey how about Leah tattling on Collin and making sure Kate heard what he said. Whatever Leah. There's sibling rivalry, and then there's sibling nastiness, and what I've seen so far is just nasty and goes way beyond normal sibling conflicts. Any one of them will sell anyone else down the river just to survive. There's no loyalty or compassion at all from especially the sextuplet girls, and I fear for their sibling relationships later on in life.

There's really nothing else Collin can say to this nonsense but "yes." Which is what Collin says. Yes, Mom. Sure, Mom.

The old clips of Collin they show are mostly sweet. It's oh so appropriate to call your child "manipulative." What? He's your child, not Lisa Vanderpump. He's also challenging authority. Rise up, proletariat.

Kate's done what any fun mother would do over spring break and filled it up with doctor appointments. Actually, I don't mind that. It's better that they not be pulled out of school. Although like anything this is probably more for Kate's convenience than the children's. The twins say they always get dragged along. Why? They're thirteen. Surely they can stay home alone for a few hours and watch T.V. or something. Or is Kate afraid they might google? You know I have a theory on her paranoia over Google. I don't think it's that she's afraid they'll see something about the family and their feelings will be hurt. Rather I think she's pretty darn afraid they will see some of the countless negative things written about her, Kate, and might actually agree with it! After all, there are numerous articles from numerous well known publications, many relying on psychologists and other parenting experts, criticizing her parenting and taking up for the children. Her own former employer The Stir thought that the incident where she took Mady's iphone away was handled terribly by Kate. A kid like Mady would print that out just to prove a point. No wonder Google frightens Baby Jane.

You know there are so many little things in this monstrosity I could spend forever on this recap, but just one of them is Hannah randomly hitting Leah as they cross the street. I know she then hugs her, but I find this behavior very strange and inappropriate especially from a ten year old. But it's just allowed, no repercussions at all. Why is that? The rules in this family are arbitrary, and enforced arbitrarily, and the resulting chaos is not at all surprising.

Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for a ten year old to have a camera crew along for doctor's appointments? It was bad enough when they were little.

In another of the rare nice moments, the kids all help Aaden pick out a new pair of frames. He seems to love the attention and Kate does another good thing in that she has the kids give a thumbs up or thumbs down to the various frames. Now there is a fun way to help someone out with something that might end up "ugly" on them, without hurting their feelings. I agree with Kate for once, he is extra cute in those glasses.

Kate really liked their third birthday party carnival and wants to recreate it. For a ten-year-old?? I don't know. I don't think the kids remember a darn thing from their third birthday party, that is really a stretch. I think they're remembering the episode. At least Aaden admits he really doesn't remember a thing from when he was little. Ha, so much for the memories. He should get his money back!

Kate announces her scathingly brilliant idea, and the kids immediately think it's the dumbest thing they've ever heard.

Lol, waa-waa.

Because it's a narcissist, they have a fake debate about this but ultimately the carnival theme is of course going forward full steam ahead. Zorro is so cute on Kate's shoulder chewing away on Kate's shirt like he owns the place.

It's great the way the kids constantly poke holes in Kate's catfish of a life on Twitter. You know how shmoops is always posting shit from their parties like bowls of pretzels and Super Bowl cakes like sort of a poor man's Good Housekeeping spread. Hannah explains that actually when they throw parties all Kate does is complain about how she doesn't want to do any of this. Heh.

Because Kate is a tease, she hints, hems and haws about some big thing she has dreamed up but in typical Kate fashion won't tell us what it is. I think the speculation on the blog that it's that Jonas brother who she was on Celebrity Apprentice with is spot on. I guess that might be okay for some of them but for the boys, I doubt this would be that big of a deal.

Mady also thinks this is one dumb idea, which is correct. Kate blames Mady for influencing the sextuplets.

Actually, I would like to point out that the sextuplets all immediately hated the idea and that Cara and Mady, even though they were sitting right there, did not say anything, look at any of them, or influence them in any way. They came up with the notion that they hated it on their own. It was only later when asked Mady said look I really don't care it's not my birthday, but if you're honestly asking, yeah I think it's dumb. So suck it, Kate.

Well this is sad and hard to snark about. Mady said she hopes the younger kids don't look up to her because she's a bad role model and just sits on her bed all day. Is she serious? Well, that's not normal. Cara mutters something about Mady threatening the tups.

Okay, this just took a rather creepy turn. Moving on please!

Leah bellyaches that it's not "fair" that whenever they have something going on Mady and Cara get to have friends over.

What the hell? I'm 100% on the twins side for this one. Of course they should be able to have friends over as much as they want as long as homework and choring and any other commitments are done. Especially when it's something going on with the younger kids. They are thirteen for gosh sakes and shouldn't be dragged along to every single thing that's happening with the ten-year-olds without a buffer. And also, it's really none of Leah's business whether Cara and Mady have friends over and when. That's Kate's call when they are with her and Jon's call when they are with him, period.

What's funny about this is that Kate has absolutely no control over any of this. The kids bicker like cats and dogs, are rude and unreasonable and nasty to each other and their mother, and she has no idea, none, how to get everyone to calm down, breathe and be kind. For all her condescending parenting blogs, these kids are just a mess of chaos and disrespect. To be clear, it's not their fault, and they are desperate for structure and a more pleasant environment, but it's not like Shmoops has set her sights on giving that to them any time soon. The priority here is "filming" not happiness. This pretty much validates everything Jon said last year about their struggles socially. It's hard to imagine very many kids would want to be around any of this.

Mady explains that the sextuplets intruded on her whole life plan when she was three and a half. Lol. The life plan was to not have six brothers and sisters, in case you were wondering.

Yeah, I don't think anyone's life plan includes six little siblings, says Cara, which is the most this poor kid has said in this entire episode.

In seriousness though, it's obvious both the twins have built up massive resentment of this whole situation over the past ten years and they don't even care at this point about blurting it out. Now that they are older, wiser and much more aware of everything, I think their anger has only gotten worse. Therapy would help them both. They desperately need to deal with these feelings somehow or risk never having a healthy relationship with their family. I'm not really sure what they are talking about when they say they are manipulative, but I think they think they have somehow conned Kate about this party and friends. You've lost me there though I do believe them when they say they've got Kate all figured out. Oh you bet they do.

That was a "negotiation session," according to Kate. Oh. I thought it was a knock down drag out. My mistake.

The famous Hannah pooped in Hannah's underwears clip that all the creepy sheeple love. Gross. Kate complains Leah's voice is like a machine gun. That's nice.

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Kate and the younger kids head to a party store where Kate quickly finds a bright pink clown wig for herself. Hey, the model on the package looks just like Shmoopy. She should do appearances.

"Come an' get yer popcorn!" Kate cries. Hey, that's our line!

"Please no!" Leah cries. Ha.

Alexis gives Kate some lip in the store and when Kate reprimands her Alexis tells her, "good!" Ha, omg. Alexis has probably always been the most dynamic of the kids, and as a result probably has the most creepy fans of all of them. Remember that fan in Tennessee who even had her name tattooed on her. Yikes. Kate chews on one of those ugly white nails of hers.

Her favorite food is salmon. That's unusual. I like the metaphor of poor little Alexis swimming upstream against the narcissist that is her mother.

The kids continue to be "rabid beasts" at the store, says Kate. Well they're cute rabid beasts anyway, like this one.

 Any parent would say that about their children, says Kate. That they're rabid beasts? Uh, no! Gaa, stop speaking for all parents. It drives @Vanessa and I, and many others, nuts!

You know, I agree with her, the kids were being downright obnoxious in the store. They were rude and I've never seen children with such a lip on them so constantly. It's super uncomfortable. But, that's Kate's fault. It doesn't have to be this way. Parenting would help. Try it sometime. What Kate does, which she calls parenting, is whine. She constantly whines to them about their behavior and then suggests other often equally bad behavior or only slightly better behavior in its place. Maybe that might work for some children but it's not helping for these kids. In fact it seems to be making it worse because they've learned they can keep pushing her buttons without anything but a lecture. And sometimes even talk her out of or into things they shouldn't. In other words they're playing her like a puppet with strings. Oh what a lovely role reversal. I also strongly suspect a lot of this behavior is due to years of pent up aggression for all kinds of reasons we all well know of, and the whole family needs to go to therapy for that, for starters. In any case, the great tragedy here is that this woman appears utterly clueless that what she thinks she does so well she just downright sucks at.

Kate says the party could be pulled off if the twins wake up in a good mood. Gaa she's such a tool. And mean. And obnoxious. I ate ate! Cara's body language is terrible. She's bending her head and covering her mouth with her hand. It's like the Today show redux. Interestingly enough Kate has not been invited back since that stunt.

Next time on Kate Plus 8, the birthday party is nearly ruined by gale force winds, and Kate gets stuck to a giant Velcro wall. Leave her up there, kids. Revenge for all those years of Velcro shoes. See you next time!