Recap: Celebrity Apprentice Ep. 1, May the Gods of Good Pies Be With Us! And may the Abominable Snowman never eat another check of yours again.

Sweeping shots of New York City as violins and drums pound out an exciting little diddy. The music of CA has always been fun, it kind of sets you up to expect Tommy Lee Jones looking over the roof in a U.S. Marshal jacket radioing in the location of the fugitive. But alas it's just Trump on the roof this time in that thick wool duster of his, making his usual snake oil promises that this season will be bigger and better than ever.

Wow, 78 D-listers have, some eagerly some reluctantly some kicking and screaming, agreed to be on this show over its fourteen seasons. I don't know, does Stephen Baldwin really count as a celebrity or is he just the brother of a celebrity?

I think we all pretty much know the teams now so I won't go through them in detail, but some of the highlights are from the men's team, high school prom king turned shark slayer Ian Ziering, the off-the-market member of the Jonas brothers, and Lorenza Lamas, who after all this time can still make pretty much anything he says sound sexual, including that he's "withholding nothing." Yes please, Mr. Grey. Gilbert Gottfried is "legendary"? I thought he was just annoying.

The women's team. Hey, how come Ian is just a silly little shark slayer, but Vivica Fox, who was in the same movie, actually worse the sequel, is a "movie star"? Lol. Trump has always favored women, no big surprise.

I think "T.V. personality" is a nicer way of saying you're infamous. Which is how they describe Kate, who is wearing a very busy dress in front of a clothes line, holding a stack of, you guessed it, eight lunch boxes. Why would the nanny be packing their lunches out by the clothes line? I don't know, I don't care. Ok, the clip they show of Kate is kind of funny I have to say. She's in a wedding dress and she quips to Geraldo, "stop telling them I have eight kids they will run faster!" Geraldo seems to have a sense of humor, he lets out a big laugh. I mean as long as the kids aren't hurt by that, hehe. By the way, the way she says "faaaaster" is sooo southern PA. She has never bothered to try to sound less regional as any celeb who is serious about their career would try to do. In fact I'm not sure she is even aware how she sounds to someone not from the area.

Well now we know what started the tension between Kate and Brandi. Kate is just a "personality." But Brandi is a "reality megastar." What? Lol.

As a big fan of snowboarding I am super stoked that Jamie Anderson is recognized as a "celeb" and invited to join the cast. I think with two Olympians on the women's team they have a distinct advantage. Olympians historically do very well on competitive reality shows, I think because their work ethic is off the charts and work ethic will, wouldn't you know it, get you far.

Leeza Gibbons! She says she will win, and I'm going to bet she will probably at least make the finals. See, someone like Leeza can get away with saying I'm going to win because she just might. When someone like Kate puffs such nonsense, it's just embarrassing. I have a teeny tiny connection to Leeza Gibons, in that she is a friend of an old employer. I never met her, but I heard a lot about her, and apparently she's just all patience, kindness and professionalism. And she works her butt off, as most celebs who make it as far as she has do. I noticed that on that addicting housewife show she showed up to Brandi's housewarming party recently in L.A. Truly, she didn't have to do that. It's not like she needs the publicity. Of note, Leeza Gibbons is a true southern girl from South Carolina, highly educated in their prestigious university system. But you would never know from the way she speaks she's southern. She dropped it, obviously, because that's what you do.

Well on a positive note,  I know who more of these people are than usual. When I don't know who celebs are I feel old.

Lol, the only clip I can see of Kate in all the preview clips is her doing a big "O" face. Somebody probably told her she's lazy again. She's such a doofus.

Geraldo's been shot at and had knives drawn on him. And that was just when he took his shirt off and posted a selfie on Twitter. But of course nothing compares to a D-lister more or less fake reality show. Why is everyone walking to the meeting point alone and from different directions? I thought they were all staying in the same hotel. Number one rule of traveling, stay together!

I guess I'm not the only one with Direct TV issues, at this point my DVR recording of this freezes on Trump making one of his grand gestures in O.J.-esq black gloves, about to loudly say something. Then it cuts to a minute later and all of a sudden everyone is lined up in a plaza and Trump is saying something about how you believe in global warming yet you're out here freezing your ass off. Heh, great point. I'm confident I didn't miss a thing of substance.

Do you know Pie Face shops? Trump asks. Does it matter? Only two people do, the doughy Jonas brother and Vivica Fox, whose diet I doubt permits pies. They're going to be creating and selling their own celebrity pies. The way that's phrased sounds vaguely cannibilistic, but I assume he means celebrity pies because they were designed by celebs. Kate looks a bit dazed, like she needs the teacher to go over all this again. He's not going to go over it again, Kate. The Cake Boss is going to judge this and the team with his favorite pie gets a bonus. Wait, the same Cake Boss who pled guilty to Driving While Intoxicated last month? I hope he takes a limo to the competition. I'm kind of scratching my head here wondering why he wasn't swiffered from this episode like other celebs who go wrong. So, which crimes get you banished from our T.V.'s for all eternity and which ones are okay? I can't keep up. They're to go back to their hotel and pick a team name, which is usually good fun and ripe for conflict.

It's New York in winter so it's freaking cold of course. You can tell who is a celebrity wuss and who is not. Some of the celebs are shivering, flushed, and practically jumping up and down, and Gilbert whines twice about wanting to go back inside. Other celebs, like Geraldo and Leeza and that sexy baseball player, also Brandi who is pretty much naked from two inches below her butt down, are standing there perfectly poised, comfortable as a hot toddy, as if they were in Martinique not Manhattan. You can tell who is cut out for this and who is not based on this alone. Trump asks if anyone has questions, but Kate's too chicken to ask him to go over all this again.

I always love this part, team name picking. Is there no heat in their vast, purple hotel suite? Half the women, including Kate, aren't taking their jackets off. Trojan horse, Keshia suggests. No Keshia, that's condoms. Ha, leave it to Brandi to say the same thing! Girl after my own heart.

Uh oh, Brandi wants "Gold" and Kenya want's "Infinity." Brandi explains they don't like each other. How did that happen, they're not even on the same Housewives show! Ha. It's Brandi, so apparently conflict even crosses over to Housewife shows she's not even on. Infinity sounds too Buzz Lightyear to me, but this is what they go with.  Kate opens her mouth ever so slightly to say something but everyone's talking over her and she quickly retreats. She's such a big talking fool. She really is a classic bully. She will push you around backwards and forwards as long as she's the bigger and stronger one. The second you place the bully in a room full of bullies, she shrivels up and dies. Unless it was edited out, she doesn't say a thing the entire discussion. If she did say something, it wasn't interesting.

The men are next door and after making a few misogynistic comments get down to  business. I feel like all the team names the men suggest have been used before. The usual ones of Velocity, Tornado, etc. Geraldo insists that they be called Vortex because of their bad winter, even though the rest of the team is like ehhh, yeah we'll write that one down and think about it. A lot of these men live on the West Coast and haven't experienced the winter Geraldo is talking about, so I'm not surprised this vortex thing doesn't resonate with them. I agree with the Jonas brother, what a vortex is, a storm that sort of churns in a circle and goes nowhere, doesn't really make sense to call a team. I like the Jonas brother, he seems bright for a celebrity.

It's time for the women to pick a project manager, and now Kate speaks up of course, because when you don't want to be PM it's a good idea to jump right into this conversation so the arrow doesn't land on the strong silent one. Well played. She invites the ladies to raise their hand and volunteer for it, and Keshia actually volunteers. Kate is quick to jump in and approve of this. Anybody but Kate, right Kate? She's so transparent. It doesn't make any logical sense she wouldn't at least consider being PM for a cooking challenge, given that's all she apparently does. But she went into this knowing she wanted to avoid being PM at all costs, even if the challenge is cooking, organizing and masterminding all wrapped up in one.

Bear with me for some serious D-lister reality show strategy talk. Keshia says this is a big risk. It is, sort of. Not really though. It's really, really smart. You have an entire team of women you can pin down to blame if you lose. And if you win, you're the hero. Yes, if you lose you will automatically go into the boardroom, but you will be able to take two sure-fires in with you, so you're probably safe. And, now you don't have to volunteer to be PM again for at least several more tasks, maybe even until the later half of the show, thus drastically reducing your chances of being fired in the meantime. Good move, Keisha, and I'm surprised she was the only one to volunteer. Surely someone like Leeza would have thought of this too.

Their plan so far is to use social media to spread the pie news. Brandi and Shawn will be in charge. What, Kate isn't volunteering for that either?

Did you notice that Brandi has her seat raised up really high? She's tall to begin with but with her seat raised up she towers over everyone. I read once that the height you sit at plays a major role in the dynamics of the room. If you want everyone to feel comfortable or equal to you, try to sit at the same height as them. If you want to make people uncomfortable and you want to dominate, sit higher. Brandi would be just clever enough to read the management books that explain as such.

Piers Morgan stops by. Kate is in her element, grinning that big toothy grin, loving all this pseudo-celeb shoulder brushing. Piers then delivers the somber news that any one of these ladies will turn on Keshia at any moment. Heh, yes. He suggests Keshia be very clear about who is doing what so that no one can weasel their way out in the boardroom. Damn, he's onto Kate already. And she knows it: There's a close-up of Kate, and I swear to God she looks scared. Like completely out of her element in-over-her-head scared. Which, she should be. I've truly never seen a celeb on this show with this kind of meek body language, and I've watched all 14 seasons. Piers says no, no, no, social media is not going to win this task, the high rollers will.  Again, 100% true. Hundreds of $50 donations are useless if you can just bring in one person to donate $50,000. I'm a little shocked the ladies didn't realize this themselves.

Big surprise, Geraldo is going to be PM for the men. In this case they are wise to just let him do what he wants, he'll self destruct soon enough. In just a few minutes it's obvious how self-absorbed, and obnoxious, Geraldo is. Now he's name-dropping his time in Somalia and Tora Bora. That's nice but it has nothing to do with what we're talking about. He fancies himself the teacher, the mentor, the medicine man. Everyone else is just a grasshopper.

My favorite Trump adviser Ivanka enters--not counting the great Carolyn Kepcher of course.

The Trump kids are generally a big improvement over their father, which is all one can hope for when you have kids. Ha, she calls Geraldo naive, which is a classy woman's way of saying cocky. Trump sort of slobbers over his celebs at times, in contrast Ivanka just doesn't care and tells it like it is. Ivanka's all like yeah I've seen this confidence before and it doesn't pan out. Lol.

Gilbert says he has a picture of the Jonas brother in his bedroom. Creepy is not funny. Ha, Ian already hates Geraldo. He's like, pardon me my name is pronounced I-an not E-an. It's always been I-an and it always will be I-an. Lol!

Ivanka admits she's a huge 90210 fan, it was basically her childhood. Ah Ivanka, at our age, whose childhood wasn't? Geraldo puts on his professor's cap again and says, his pinky finger practically pressed to the corner of his mouth, that 90201 "was a pace-setting, pop cultural program of that era." Next he'll be smoking a pipe and playing backgammon in the library. As pretentious as he sounds, it's actually quite true. "Dylan and Brenda and Kelly," Ivanka goes on poetically. Wow, she really is a superfan. And Dylan and Brenda? That's old school, original 90210. Respect.

90210 really was a great show. Who could forget this poignant gem about every parent's worse nightmare: all you were trying to do was hug your child and a pack of cigarettes falls out.

"I don't even inhale. Hardly." Lol.

The men are also stuck on this tweeting/social media thing, shockingly making the same mistake the women are. I really don't care there are twenty gazillion Jonas brothers fans. They're all like 21 and broke, so it's not going to help. #BadIdea. I don't know if they intended this but when Ivanka leaves you can see the pretty breakfast spread from craft services in the background. Coffee, teas, pastries. No one is roughing it.

Commercials!

We're back. Somebody in production really loves messing around with timelapse shots. And timelapse shots on a slow moving dolly too, which does look like good fun. He or she has a timelapse nerd's dream job.

Only fifteen minutes in and it's already been established Geraldo is a douche. He says their task is "incredibly complicated," they have to make pies and raise money. Is he being sarcastic? I find that insulting to anyone in the restaurant business. Running a bakery or any other food service venue is darn hard work, and many fail. It's actually a very complicated industry, and it's rather rude to dismiss it like this, oh it's so easy even a shirtless Gerlado could do it. Shush up. Oh, no, Geraldo's one of those PMs who wants to have a bunch of useless meetings first. The Jonas brother can't hold back anymore, he's like I think we should be working and baking pies not meeting.

Over at the women's team, they're focused on the bonus money they would get if the Cake Boss thinks their pie is the best.  Heh, Kate starts talking about apple pie and Keshia literally turns her back on her and keeps talking about a blueberry-pear pie. Funny.

Kate has a halfway decent idea for their savory pie, a taco pie. Keshia likes it, and says she has a great recipe for enchiladas. Apparently the flavors will be the same, but Kate is stuck on calling it "taco pie" and Keshia on "enchilada pie." Kate does one of those passive aggressive moves where it's like, well it's your decision but it's your funeral if you don't pick my idea.  Brandi says Kate loves the sound of her own voice. Ha. I think calling it a taco pie probably is a better idea, I think it will play better because people are much more used to "taco" being transformed, such as taco pizza, but Brandi is right, it's a minor point and stupid argument and they're wasting time. Thankfully Keshia seems to realize this is dumb and says fine we'll call it taco-enchilada pie, done. Lol, that's like saying Chicago deep dish-NYC style pizza pie! I think she should have just told Kate to STFU it's going to be enchilada pie. It's two completely different dishes and rather insulting to anyone who knows Mexican food, but whatever. By the way, this is where Kate doesn't understand, well, basic human interaction. When you're brainstorming, you throw out an idea, like say taco pie. Then that idea reminds somebody of some wonderful recipe they have, enchiladas, and gets them thinking about a similar, but perhaps better, idea. That's what happened here, and instead of just sucking it up and yielding to Keshia (even if taco pie really is the marginally better idea), Kate turned it into a battle of wills. It's her classic M.O. and why she sucks at dealing with people. The thing is, she could have killed two birds with one stone here if she just went along, by making Keshia happy because Kate supports "her" idea and for sort of taking half-credit for the idea at the same time because by Kate suggesting tacos, Keshia thought of enchiladas. I think Kate would be well within her rights for claiming in the boardroom some credit for an enchilada pie. What's not going to happen in a million years, however, is anyone going into the boardroom because enchiladas were decided on over tacos, so there is no point to this argument, as Brandi said. Kate's just so dumb and never thinks strategically or smart at all, and statistically she will fail at this show.

Kate says she'll be great at the baking part of this because DRINK she has eight kids she cooks for. This is where Kate is not that bright. Well, if this is so up your alley why aren't you project manager then? Idiot, don't announce how good you are at this task, you just look like a fool now for avoiding PM. Already Kate's throwing Keshia under the bus, saying she, Kate, had to do the delegating on the task and assign the jobs. We don't really see much of Kate "delegating." Rather she is mostly just arguing with Jamie who is suggesting they just eyeball things. There was at least one shot of Keshia specifically delegating a couple of the other contestants to take inventory of the ingredients available at Pie Face, so Kate is full of it.

I would think a snowboarder would be pretty good at eyeballing things. For just some seasonings for something savory, I think eyeballing is fine, but that is not okay with Kate. Really what happened is the rest of the team went off to do something important and left Jamie behind to babysit Kate.

The sweet pie for the men will be the Jonas brother's wife's pudding pie with a graham cracker crust, which sounds incredible, and for savory Lorenzo's low-calorie chicken pot pie. That's really smart, a low-cal option. Just when the men are looking good over there, organized and running like a machine, they burn about 600 pie crusts. Oops.

Commercials, and when we come back we join the women again.

Jamie and Kate, and even Keshia, are pretty happy with how the pie fillings have turned out. I guess Kate gave up on her taco pie, because without blinking an eye she is now calling it "enchilada pie." Ha. She probably consulted with Steve that night who advised her to just let this one go. Per Kate, Kate was more or less in charge of the enchilada pie and Jamie the sweet pie. This fact will be important later so take note. Kate and Jamie seem to work pretty well together and are all lovey dovey. Jamie is either in the honeymoon stage of this relationship or is experiencing some kind of bizarre Stockholm syndrome or both, but I doubt this will last.

Kate thinks that good pies are crucial. Not really. It doesn't matter if you serve pies full of tacks to people, but for the Cake Boss bonus. And while that is definitely something to devote at least a couple people to chasing after, where this task is at, which has been explained to them extensively, is the donations. It doesn't matter if the person eats the crappy pie they paid for as long as they get the money. No high roller is going to refuse a big donation because the pie was crap, that's not the point. While Kate measures and stirs and worries about the wrong things, the rest of the ladies with actual connections are working the phones, with Leeza and Keshia getting several people to commit to donations.

NBC has some nerve keeping in the interview with Keisha where she talks about what a wonderful philanthropist Bill Cosby was. Wow, kind of a slap in the face to everyone else who has taken a stand against him.

I don't quite understand what Gilbert is trying to do here. He's rounding up a hodge podge of people to stop by, including a Howard stern look-a-like, a fire eater and some comics. I don't understand that. They're trying to raise money here, not replicate Hollywood Blvd. This is all wrong, but he says he's desperate to look like he's contributing somehow. Poor guy. By the way, on Hollywood Blvd. those guys are mostly ignored and they probably would be in Manhattan too. I think Terrell Owens is the only person on the planet who would describe Gilbert as "a breath of fresh air." Everyone else wants the Febreeze.

DRINK, Kate is carefully writing the number "8" on each little pie. I think the average person would be confused by that. Eight crazy nights? Figure eight? It's just so irrelevant and weird. Then again the men's artwork of Geraldo's face on the pies looks more like a field of mushrooms so who am I to complain.

Ohh, Shawn is going to put together a PicStitch to promote this. I love that app. Kate's all pissy they're all worried about social media and not paying attention to her, and rounds them up to help finish up the pies.

Brandi's intimidated by the Jonas brother's twitter following but like I said what good is a large following if they have no money to show for it? Brandi's the one who is friends with actual millionaires. Or was she not on speaking terms with Lisa when this filmed, I can't keep it straight but it sure is fun to try.

Shawn and Keshia say that everyone should go on social media to promote overnight, and Shawn emphasizes they should talk to and interact with their followers. Did Kate do any of what she was instructed? I don't remember but I don't think so. Kenya doesn't think social media is going to help and I agree. If turnout were a determining factor it would be. It's simply not. You could have five people show up but as long as they're rich, you'll win. Dare I say social media is a waste of time on this task. You'll get plenty of people who just walk by on the street to make it look fun and happening. That said, when your project manager asks you to do something you either need to do it or respectfully explain why you shouldn't have to do it and then if they still want you to do it do it anyway. Passive aggressively refusing to do what was asked is immature.

Jonas brother was offended Geraldo never really checked on the bakers all day. Ha, two of the men already hate this guy, Ian and Jonas brother, and we're only a half hour in. In fairness though, I don't think Geraldo really needs to check on them unless they ask for help. He needed to be hustling on the phone getting donors, which is exactly what he was doing all day. It really doesn't matter if 600 pies are burned, it just doesn't, and I hate to say it but Geraldo gets this task. Get something that looks like a pie on a plate and get some money for it, you don't need to babysit. Jonas brother said if this task wasn't a fundraising task we'd be mismanaged. But it was a fundraising task, so what does it matter what should have been done if it wasn't? I like Jonas well enough, but his hate for Geraldo is coloring his judgment.

It's morning, and after a few more dizzying time lapses, we join the women in the hired cars. Keshia has a serious discussion with the team about who has brought in what donations. Kate literally hides behind Kenya for this one not saying a word. In fact in several of the shots her seat looks empty, lol! Kenya is really pissed off that Keisha won't call Bill Cosby to give a donation. Keisha said she is too concerned about him not being in NYC, because he or someone else has to physically bring in the check for it to count. Eh, sounds like kind of a lame excuse, says Kenya, he surely has people. Without context, Kenya would be completely right. It looks suspiciously like Keshia could be selfishly saving her high roller for a later task when she really needs him, which many a celeb has tried to do before. Then again in hindsight, maybe she didn't want to ask him for money because sexual favors would be expected in return. A disturbing thought but a real possibility. But there's no way Kenya could have possibly known way back in February when this was filmed about that horrible dynamic so I can't be upset with her. I do find NBC's decision to keep this all in the show terribly tacky and even disrespectful to the victims, however.

It doesn't influence me one way or the other that Keshia has later defended Bill Cosby, says she loves him and he was generous. Many victims have defended the perpetrator, I guess it's part of the denial many people go through. I hope to God she was never harmed (which if you listen closely, she never actually denies she was), but only she knows the truth.  Keshia also explained in this later interview that she actually hasn't spoken to Bill Cosby in ages and that it would be pretty uncomfortable to suddenly ask him for a bunch of money. I wish she would have just explained that then, since it's understandable. I get it. She loves him, she had a great time working with him, but they lost touch. Happens all the time. Imagine calling up some good high school friend you lost touch with 20 years ago and asking for money. Weird, right? That dynamic is not different just because your old best friend is a celeb. I get it, he may have been a good friend in a past life but there's no real relationship today and he's not someone she would call. I guess the lingering unanswered question is did you really just "lose touch" or heaven forbid, did something precipitate this?

The men are setting up all their promotional materials, and Jonas brother is wondering how did it happen that on their posters Geraldo is three times as big as anyone else with the word "celebrity" right next to his huge head? Yes, shouldn't it be "celebrities"? Haha, the joys of a narcissist as your PM, Jonas brother. Jonas brother acts like he's never encountered such a disorder in all his showbiz years. I can't imagine that.

Some of them are passing out flyers to people on the street, which I see as a complete waste of time. You don't know that any of these people could afford to donate a few bucks let alone thousands. Haha, typical New Yorker wants to know who exactly the celebs are at this thing. Cause like, if it's lame celebs, I'm not bothering, I've got a yoga class at 1 I'm not missing for just anyone. That's such a great moment that epitomizes our current D-lister celebrity culture.

Gilbert is puttering around trying to make people laugh with lame prostate jokes and other such nonsense. Geraldo tells him to go out there and supervise the balloons. Aw. The Jonas brother just hates Geraldo by now and is getting all defensive for Gilbert. I mean, Gilbert does seem kind of useless and bothersome. He's one of those comedians completely socially awkward and helpless when not on stage, much like Robin Williams was widely reported to be, God rest his soul. I think people like that probably get into comedy for that reason, as an escape from a world that is more difficult for them than it is for people like us. I'm not sure what Geraldo is supposed to do with Gilbert nor do I expect him to spend time on this problem.

We cut to the women and oh man I wish we saw what led up to this little dust up but Keshia is looking extremely annoyed and tells Kate we need to stop talking and just make pies. Haha. Kenya is getting frustrated because on the one hand no one seems to know what their role is (except Kate, Keshia was clear her role is to shut up and bake), and on the other hand Kenya says Keshia is micromanaging and should consult with them more. Eh, in a group this size with a task this dense there isn't much time for that. While it's a good idea to PM early, I kind of forgot that the disadvantage is managing a huge group with lots of personalities and weak links. That can be very hard, as it's proven to be for both PMs.

Hehe, Keshia is complaining about more people getting on the piping of the pies and Kate takes it personal, like she's not doing her job or something. Keshia admits she feels Kate is getting "tired." Lazy, tired, whatever. And, really, tired? The real task hasn't even started. Good grief. Kate says a good manager finds what you're good at, assigns you to that task, and then walks away leaving you to it. Hey, that sounds just like how she raises her children, too.

The pies aren't really turning out. They're sticking to the containers and some are bursting or crumbling apart. Hey, Kate, did you poke holes in the pies or grease the pie tins, which is pretty much cooking 101? No, it can't be the pies suck, but Kate made them and she wrote a cookbook! Somebody must have sabotaged them to make her look bad. Probably Brandi. Some of the ladies would prefer to give them a taste test. For curiosity sake alone I would support that. No, it's not about the pies, Keshia says, which I suppose is true. It all feels very stressful and Shawn is kind of getting upset. Irony of ironies Kate gives her advice that what is important is how she reacts to this unfortunate situation. Maybe that reaction is a lawsuit, or stick Bullyville on Keshia, but the reaction is indeed what's important. It does not surprise me in the slightest that Kate is palling around with the early 20-somethings like Jamie and Shawn, the women she feels she can have the upper hand with, can give advice to, act as a cooler version of their mom. Of course she doesn't dare take up with somebody actually her age like Brandi or Kenya. What a cowardly fool.

Doors open, and donations are already coming in for the men from Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. Bill O'Reilly doesn't actually show up, but he sends a big burly man to go eat a pie and donate in his stead, which is funny. Jonas brother flat out loathes Geraldo at this point, you can tell he just wants to kill him for standing in the middle of the room and blocking traffic. He is too much of an overseer, complains Jonas brother, who was just complaining Geraldo wasn't overseeing enough earlier.

Over at the ladies, Kenya and Vivica are not happy with the lack of oversight from Keshia, who is busying herself collecting money and not really paying much attention to the big picture. $40 donations are flat out useless, get these people out of there. Finally some higher rollers show up, it's implied mostly from Leeza I think. I'm not sure what Kate's up to other than posing for a photo, texting on her phone, and saying hi to people at the door. I'm sure she was texting her kids of course. Brandi doesn't think this is really hustling, which, it's not. Schmoozing with people at the door is not necessary, Brandi says. She's right. They're already in, just collect their money and get them out. It really is a dollars in task. It's really not about a cozy restaurant environment with a yummy, steaming pie. Sure that all is nice if you can do that, but it's not at all important to the goal. The task is not create a nice restaurant with great food. It's not Restaurant Wars, which Kate seems confused about. Also can I just say Kate's not good at schmoozing anyway. Some of the clips they show she's awkward and avoids eye contact, and the customers look like they feel equally awkward by this approach. One guy seems afraid to even walk in once she starts wildly gesturing at him to get some pie and adamantly shakes his head, lol. Forget this, why doesn't Kate spend her time calling some CEOs at TLC or Discovery, for starters? It's dollars in, period. She can't think of anyone to call? Board members of the Red Cross, owners of the numerous hotels she's been to, anyone she met being in the opening act of the Emmys that year, anyone at People magazine including that stupid Kate Coyne character? I don't expect a reality star to have the connections of Geraldo, but there has to be someone.

Over on the men's team poor Gilbert has scrounged up his little freak show with dancers and impersonators. He's like a nicer friendlier version of Kate but just as useless to this task. 

A pie fight erupts between Brandi and Kenya, and somehow it seems to cut the tension between them. Brandi is so gross, she hates being sticky unless it's with a super hot guy. Ew, no. The Cake Boss arrives at the men's, fortunately in a hired car. Their sweet pie crust is overcooked, the other one was not salted enough.

He heads over to the women, and Kate just cannot help herself, as Keshia tells him it's their enchilada pie, Kate jumps in and says "taco" pie! Ha, she's such a child. Go back to your monkey bars. He doesn't like the pie Kate was in charge of, the taco/enchilada, because the flavors compete with each other, it has too much going on. Kate looks pissed beyond belief, baw-haha. I'm really curious what's in it now, because any basic Mexican food recipe can handle a lot going on without feeling like anything's competing. It's hard to mess up a taco. Or enchilada. He says the sweet one they nailed it. That was the one Jamie made and Keshia was tinkering with, and the one that Keshia pushed through despite Kate whining about apple pie.

Commercials, and when we're back an extremely long timelapse of the city streets. Really, somebody had days of fun with this. The women are scrambling to get their last few donations in, but they're getting worried about the men's connections. Kate claims a check is coming on her behalf, but she's predictably vague about the amount when Kenya questions her about it even though Kate says she has seen a picture of it. Why not just tell her the amount, they're on the same team for goodness sakes. She plays games even with her own team members. Does she understand being that way makes her look like a liar? I guess not.

Piers stops by the women's team, and finds that no one is really in charge and that, as we have said throughout this recap, a long line out the door does not matter as this task is about the big money.

Aw, Gilbert brought in a $10,000 check. "That was me! I got that!" he shouts. Aw, he's so proud of himself. Hey, great. Sounds like $10,000 more than Kate brought in.

Hahaha, Ian said working at Pie Face was pretty similar to working in the Peach Pit. What! The Peach Pit!

And I think I love him. I love that he throws in a 90210 joke like that knowing only true 90210 fans will understand it, and not caring that nobody else will.

Piers visits the men, and I didn't notice this but Geraldo's photo is on their promotional posters twice. Haha, tell me that's a mistake. Piers finds their set-up impressive and they are raking in a ton of money. I've seen this show before and I can't imagine they won't win, the girls are toast. By the way, I could have sworn Pie Face has been a task before, like recently too. If not something extremely similar. I'm sure of it. Trump, at the beginning of the show, promised all new tasks. Hehe. All new people yes. All new tasks, no.

Lorenzo didn't really bring in any real money but Jonas brother said he worked his butt off. Lorenzo looks crushed that he can't compete with the guys with other connections. How did it happen somebody like him has no one to call? I have the same thing to say to him as I would Kate. He has almost 100 separate credits on IMDB. Surely he can think of someone to call from all those projects. All those soaps he did? Money funded those projects somehow, so think network CEOs, directors, producers, even other actors. Maybe it's only a few grand but it would be enough to take the heat off you. For Kate the problem is laziness. He's not lazy, so maybe he's shy? I wonder if he's one of those celebs who never really wanted a part of the celeb lifestyle, kind of lived quieter and more normal, and doesn't even realize he has the kind of contacts that would bring money like this in. That's all well and good, the only problem with that is you never make friends with any rich people or movers and shakers who come in handy on a D lister reality show. In a weird way, some of the biggest narcissists in the room are those who are going to have the most money because this is what they care about, celebrity and rich people. Except Kate, who has no donors because she's lazy at life.

Kate's crying. What? Why? It's only task one, you don't know for sure you lost yet, and the pie tasting went well, at least the pie she didn't make anyhow! Aw, she cries because her "friend" didn't get his check in. You know, the high roller she was being vague about to Kenya. She continues to be suspiciously vague about this whole situation, not explaining how or why it didn't come in. Bad weather, problems at the bank, flat tire on the town car? Raise your hand if you think she's a big fat liar. She didn't raise any money and I think she never had any potential money on the table in the first place. But unlike Lorenzo who made up for the money he didn't raise by busting ass, she was lazy too. Double whammy. You know being completely objective based on what we have just seen, she should be fired. She was the only one who both didn't work hard and didn't raise money. Or at the very least be a close second to Keshia, who kind of missed the point of the task and had a weird hot and cold management style. But as we know, Kate won't be fired. Oh the humanity. I feel a sort of smooth satisfaction, a delicious "I told you so, sheep" feeling, that she is living up to all our low expectations for her and lower. She sucks at this game, and we called it.

Finally the boardroom is here. Everyone's all gussied up. Kate's top is way too low and her boobs look like melons, but Kenya and Brandi's tops are too low too. Must be a reality show thing. I like Keshia's outfit, a white blazer, bright blue top and big jewelry. It's professional while still expressing her individual style.

They have the usual boring conversation about how they each think they did. Of course they both think they did great and won. Yawn.

Keshia admits Leeza did the best at fundraising and Jamie, Shawn and Kate did a good job with the pies. What? Kate's pie sucked. Even Cake Boss said so. They mostly just loved their team leader Keshia, as teams usually do before they find out they lost. Hehe, they won't love her soon. Shawn actually didn't think they won, which is unusual to admit in the boardroom even if it's true. That's risky, because for some reason other teammates take that very personally.

I think Piers's understanding of this game is top notch. He said this is an exhausting game (true, because they film it back to back to back) that is about being cunning and ruthless and when the task is about fundraising focusing all your efforts on fundraising. I agree. They should have stuck two or three people tops on pie making/distribution/collection, one person on social media/promotion, and the entire rest of the team should have been focused on fundraising with the pie makers and social media twits filling in on fundraising where they could when they could.

Kenya really didn't like Keshia's management style and Shawn says really the issue was they were too focused on the taste of the pies and not enough on the donations. Yep.

Geraldo says they are an "egg-letic" group. Well then maybe they should be gathering Kate's eggs instead of her kids. Does he mean eclectic?  Hey, where's Mrs. Malaprop? He's a malaproper! I noticed earlier he also pronounced autistic more like "artistic." I think he's smart enough but it sure is funny when someone so smart fumbles the small stuff, as smart people for some reason tend to do. Maybe you get to be so smart by not spending time on the smaller stuff. Geraldo does know how to flatter and smooth talk, throwing out strong words that appeal to men like power and purpose. You can literally see their chests puff out like they are programmed to respond to such ministrations.

Gilbert finally makes me laugh when he says Geraldo did a great job unless Trump thought he did a bad job in which case he did a terrible job! Ha, that's so true! Well, at the end of the day Geraldo says Gilbert did a great job too. That's nice. I never expected to pity Gilbert of all people.

Oh, Ivanka says there is an interesting psychology about choosing to take on PM first. So true, exactly what we were discussing. Yes, yes, I know this is a silly reality show, of course it is. Does it mean anything in the long run, nope. It is mostly fun and snark? Yep. Are the recaps mostly for just fun and snark, too, big yep! It never won't be a silly reality show. But it can also be very strategically complex much like Survivor, another silly reality show, that is without a shadow of a doubt very complex. You need only read former winner Penn's take on CA to see how someone very bright strategically plays this game to win. This game can be played to win period, if you play it right. Not everyone here is really playing to win, but Geraldo is, Leeza is, and Ian is. You don't win this game by accident or just doing your best or just playing task to task. You must think strategically, you must play big picture, and you must make some bold, risky moves. Most of all you must know exactly why you are making the moves you make, anything less is not chess. Just because something is dumb pointless Sunday night T.V. doesn't mean it isn't very strategically interesting and complex. And it's pretty much why I watch it, because if I wanted just dumb celebrity reality shows there are many other options. Arguably chess and football are dumb too, but they're great strategic games you get sucked into. This is just my chess, my football.

It comes out that Lorenzo only raised 100 bucks. Speaking of complex strategy here it is right here: Piers questions whether maybe someone is holding back on their money. I  didn't think that was the case with Lorenzo, but maybe. I mean Lorenzo does have an incredible amount of connections. His IMDB is ten times the size of Kate's. Still, that's an awfully risky move to call absolutely no one and expect to get away with it. It's too obvious for my game play taste. Either he's some kind of strange Hollywood recluse who really has no one he feels comfortable calling, or he's a huge risk taker and holding back. I just don't see him as the latter.

I have to say as a photographer I really do appreciate the cinematography in this show as a tool to convey mood. It's not just stick an establishing shot in here or there. They use fun and quirky time-lapse shots when the tasks are in full swing, but now that we are hunkering down in Trump's bunker, we get much slower, sweeping, beautifully composed shots of Manhattan at night, whether this was filmed at night or not (sometimes it's not). Very well done by the cinematography department.

Wait, Terrell Owens with all his connections only raised 900 bucks? I call B.S. on that one. And how come no one is upset that Terrell only raised $900, because they like him and his personality better than shy Lorenzo? $100, $900, both are freaking terrible and useless numbers. And what the heck Geraldo saying he would bring to the boardroom the two lowest fundraisers, Lorenzo and Ian! But Ian just said he raised like six grand, so it should be Terrell in the boardroom not Ian. Wth? I guess Geraldo's a malaproper with math as well. Ian, my latest and greatest boyfriend, handles this ridiculousness maturely and calmly. Uh, nope, I raised much more than Terrell thanks Geraldo, oh and it's I-an you stupid donkey. I added the donkey part but you know he's thinking it. Oh and guess what, Ivanka says Terrell actually only raised $750, even less than what he said. How come no one is upset he lied about his true number?

Kate cannot stand to hear Piers summarizing the Cake Boss's critique of her taco pie. She really truly must not read the internet like ever, or she would know that many a similar review of her recipes have come down before Cake Boss had the pleasure of tasting her slop. Her Amazon review page of her cookbook is actually very entertaining. At the end of the day he loved the sweet pie and the women win an extra $25,000. Even Kate has to admit Jamie was the author of the sweet pie. Of course she says this before Piers tells them this really should insulate Jamie from being voted off. Heh, wait before you leap.

You know, I really don't like Shawn's negativity. I don't care that Geraldo and the Jonas brother have a huge Twitter following. The women could have figured out a way to compete with them. I can't say I know what that is, but that was for them to figure out. You don't just throw up your hands and say we're screwed just because a boy band and an outspoken journalist are on the other team. I am surprised at not really liking Shawn that much, because I liked her before. She's way too defeatist and weepy so far. I recommend she read Malcolm Gladwell, my favorite modern non-fiction writer, and his book David and Goliath. It's all about how who you think should win doesn't have to, but they sure as heck will win if you think they should win. He makes you think outside the box about many situations and believe in the power of the underdog, it's a good exercise.  Oh and by the way this is what CA does. It's the great equalizer. It can bring you a whole new group of fans, or it can turn fans away, as it has to me about Shawn.

I think Piers is right that Twitter was not thinking outside the box because the men had them beat on that just with the Jonas brother. Twitter was a losing exercise. They needed to discuss individual donors more.

The women raised $93,000 with the bonus. Goodness, that's way more than I thought they would. In a vacuum, that's a really impressive number and in past seasons would have smoked the competition, but sadly can't compete with the men who raised double that. Geraldo gets the whole amount to donate to special needs children. Wow, that will help.

More beautiful shots of NYC at night. The men are congratulating themselves on being masters of the universe (my favorite quote from Titanic). Oh, I forgot that they get to watch the women get fired on a live T.V. feed, that was a brilliant idea implemented some seasons back.

Keshia said they knew they were screwed because of Geraldo so they tried to focus on getting the bonus. Eh, I don't think that was the best idea. You can't count on a bonus being more than what you could scrounge up in donations to be worth sacrificing hustling for those. Jamie, Kate and Shawn really didn't raise much, Keshia explained.

May I speak, "your honor" Kate asks. Lol, I imagine most people thought that was a dumb joke but I laugh because the tension and scrutiny here really isn't that different from a real bench trial with a pissed off judge. In fact that anxiety must be identical. Kate says sorry, she's been in court a lot. Well, that's true, but most of it was her own fault, like when she didn't pay her ten grand therapy bill, or tried to sue her children's father for squeezing and pulling and hurting her neck in 1982. Kate sure really talks a lot without saying anything. Eventually her check got snowed out? What does that mean? It wasn't snowing in NYC at least. Plus, that was just one check. Where were her two or three other checks from friends and colleagues at People, the Red Cross, or Discovery?

"In the absence of an ability to raise funds, hard work," Kate says.

Hard work, what? Like, she feels she did hard work? Lol, she's so predictably vague! This is as much fun and more that I had hoped for.

Piers recommends she start throwing someone under the bus, and it's a good thing he does because she does need some coaching here. She eventually gets around to this is all Keshia's fault because Keshia didn't assign her a task. First of all, what does that have to do with not getting a check in? She knew what her task was, baking, so what does it matter whether Keshia assigned it to her or not? And she sucked at it anyway, which wasn't Keshia's fault.

Nonetheless, at least two of the women, Brandi and Keshia, jump in and say nope that was not true you were assigned a task. Kate just ignores them and keeps drilling on. She starts going into her home life and how she delegates tasks in her home life. Like the raising of her children? Brandi is just flat out shaking her head and rolling her eyes now, hahahha. I say this is a DRINK even though she didn't really say "eight kids." She implied it. Wow, Brandi was right, she talks, and talks and talks. It's bad. I didn't know there were that many words in that overly botoxed noggin. Keshia can't stand it anymore and interrupts to say nope nope not at all. Notice how nobody is talking about the taco/enchilada pie? That's because it does not matter, Kate.

Brandi really isn't in the hot seat whatsoever and so she doesn't have to say anything, but I like how she chimes in now and again to correct the record, just because the record should be set straight, right Kate?

Trump eventually asks Brandi to sort this out for him, which is kind of flattering, and Brandi just flat out tells it like it is: Kate was lazy, she sat around doing nothing while we all worked. It's all her fault. Brandi provides specific examples of this, like when she asked Kate to please go outside and recruit people in, and Kate refused to. I always tend to give people's sweeping judgments more credibility when they provide specific examples, as Brandi did. Makes it harder for Kate to deny, because then she'll have to explain away all the examples.

Piers admits he didn't really see Kate being lazy exactly. I mean, who knows, it's not like Piers was there the whole time. Kate's crying again. Oh brother, woman, grow up.

Ha, the men are in their suite with their brandy watching this, saying this is getting good now! They're all into it, lol. I imagine all of us at the blog looked the same, except those participating in the "I'm a mom of eight kids" drinking game, who are probably dead by this hour.

Why is Kate interrupting Vivica when she is emotionally saying how great Keshia did? God Kate's annoying. Kate's pretty dumb to support Keshia so strongly when Kate's in the hot seat. What is she doing?

Ugh, they go into this long thing about how Keshia should have called Bill Cosby. Keshia looks uncomfortable. She explained they're not friends anymore. They lost touch! What more do you want her to say? I mean heck, Kate should have called him by this logic. I'm sorry but this should have been edited out.

You know I think Piers is right. It is very high risk to be PM on a fundraising task without fundraisers ready to go, as Geraldo had in his storehouse. Usually it's a good move to be PM early on, but not if you absolutely are going to suck at the task. So I guess I would say strategically it is good to step up as soon as possible, BUT only as long as you are prepared for what you are taking on. Don't step up to lead a team on something you can't deliver on, that's dumb. So for Geraldo it was a great strategic idea to be PM right away. He's safe for weeks to come now and will probably make the finals. For Keshia, it was an epic failure.

Ivanka likes this word "naive." She uses it to mean dumb, stupid, cocky, and everything else us mediocre people say. Keshia was naive (i.e. dumb) to be PM here.

Keshia oh so very wisely picks Kate to go in the board room, but it was a really naive to pick Jamie since Piers already pretty much said Jamie's safe. Have these people never seen this show? God. She should have picked Shawn and tried to pin her down on her defeatist attitude and lack of thinking outside the box when it came to Twitter, which the panel really didn't like. It was a long shot, but Shawn had a CHANCE of going home if Keshia would just bring her back. But I was going to scream if she didn't pick Kate when Piers practically spoon fed the decision to her. Eh, it doesn't matter, the men think Keshia's toast, and I think so too. Even though Kate and Jamie didn't raise anything, Jamie's safe because she helped get the bonus, and Kate's shortcomings just aren't enough for the big dogs to overlook Keshia's biggest faux pas, not understanding the task in the first place. Kate skates by again.

There are no losers here, the Donald says. What? Yes there are. Kate sucked. She lost. Keshia sucked, she lost. Jamie lost too but she's sweet so I'll let her slide. Why is Kate sort of rolling her eyes when Keshia said she helped with the tasting of the sweet pie? Keshia did. It's on film! She was tasting carefully and added a bunch of sugar to it, which frankly could be crucial. Piers is like come on Jamie, throw somebody under the bus, this is The Apprentice. I don't think Jamie is conflict oriented, which probably ain't gonna work on this show. She said if someone threw her under the bus in snowboarding she simply wouldn't take it personally. I think that's probably true. Some people not only don't care if someone is being mean to them but it's like they don't even notice. That's probably usually a good thing.

Oh, "now we're getting down to it...."

Sorry, Sleepless in Seattle reference. The fact is Kate would fire Keshia. For all her garbage about how wonderful Keshia was, she would fire her. Of course she would because of the two she is sitting next to, she knows she has a better chance of having the upper hand with the young 20-something. Not the woman closer to her own age, much smarter and more driven. Kate says give Kate a task and she'll do it.

Uh, so do you think Kate has a lack of initiative given that she basically described herself as a worker bee, Ivanka asks?

Oh, no no no. "Thank you for allowing me to clarify," Kate says. Lol, what? That sounds soooo coached. Oh, she's heavily, heavy coached. Somebody told her a bunch of catch phrases to use in the boardroom, ways to defend herself without sounding like an idiot, how to get a word in, etc. Except she still sounds like an idiot. You can literally see her sweating she's working so hard to think through each and every word, remember what Steve told her to say and do, and articulate all her talking points.

Keshia's done for. It's like watching a drowning man struggle to get to the surface. Kate, shut up. She's going down now. Let it happen. Don't convince them otherwise. Kate seems to be saying that had Kate's check come through she would have smoked Keshia. What does it matter what Kate would have brought in compared to Keshia's real amount? That is a hysterical, pee your pants worthy defense. Especially when I'm pretty convinced now that check was cut and then eaten by the Abominable Snowman sooner than it ever had contact with an actual living breathing human being.

Ivanka says that if Keshia is trying to make the argument this task is not all about the money, why the heck did she bring two ladies back based solely on their numbers? That's a really fantastic point. If Keshia's going to go for that argument she might as well go all out, because she's just screwing herself over bringing people back based on numbers since her low numbers were as useless as zero too, really. And this is the strategy I'm talking about, though probably any strategy is too late for Keshia.

Keshia says she's here for her charity, it's her heart and soul. Kate did not just mouth "We all are." Lol! Kate, who last had any contact with her charity of choice in 2012? That's rich.

Trump's going to give Keshia's charity $25,000. Well that's the kiss of death. Of course he finds Keshia to be an amazing person (uh, I guess), but she didn't make that call to Cosby (ugh!!!) and needs to take responsibility for the failure. Keshia, you're fired!

Piers said it was suicide for her to go up against Geraldo. In hindsight knowing the final numbers? Yeah, actually, it was. (Although in fairness, the women didn't know Geraldo was going to be PM before they assigned Keshia to it. Knowing that, maybe Leeza would be a better choice.) You know I knew Geraldo must have connections but I had no idea they actually liked the man enough to give him almost 200 thousand dollars. Geezus. Keshia's driving away in the limo and is kinda pissed that two people who raised zero dollars didn't get fired. I get that bitterness. Also I'm really sorry they hassled you so much over Bill Cosby, Keisha. Wtf, leave her alone.

Well, kudos to Kate for getting by by the skin of her veneers. She is where she is because Keshia took a huge risk on a task she wasn't at all prepared for and went on to make some huge mistakes, but Kate sure got close to touching the sun, or in this case Trump's pee hair, on just task one. Closer than I'm sure she would have liked. Explains her relative twitter silence. She almost eats it just on task one, lol.

Might I say I quite enjoyed recapping a show I actually like. I tried something new in that I've completely stayed away from your comments and reactions, and any other comments around the web,  until I finished the recap, just so I could be sure my thoughts and recapping were all my own.  Maybe your take on strategy, who should be voted out, who is a tool, etc., is completely different from mine and I look forward to catching up on all your comments!