Recap: Celebrity Apprentice Ep. 3: Mrs. Rivera's check is real.

Editor's Note: Guess what? This is our 1,000th post! I can't believe it. The thanks all goes to you all, who have stayed here, some of you many years, through thick and thin, good times and bad, the world falling apart and the world coming together. The hysterical times, the snort your rumspringa times, and sometimes even tears. A special cheers to my attentive staff, the pool is always clean and the lawn tidy thanks to you. The porch we've all helped build throughout all these 1,000 posts is quite nice, thank you everyone.

Last time on Celebrity Apprentice, a montage of Kate Goz-land stuffing her face. The ladies were "starved" for direction with that doofus at the helm so Brandi and Leeza had to take over as the defacto PMs. Nice pun, writers. Because of some other circumstance, Kate skated by on both tasks, even though she stunk both times. Remarkably, even though Kate was PM, they won the Neat challenge. Despite Kate. It's become sort of the running joke on the blog that, as PJ here so eloquently put it, Kate has horseshoes shoved up her ass. Even though she undeniably sucks at this game, each and every time something else will happen that has nothing to do with her, somebody else needs to be fired as a result, and there she is again, veneers twinkling, to live another day. You can't get mad about this stuff, you just have to laugh.

Shawn is still upset that Vivica told Trump on national television Shawn got her period. As I said last time, that is a pretty clear violation of the girl code, except Shawn was the one who disclosed this information on national television in the first place, so this is sort of bizarre. She could have just said she felt the flu coming on. Shawn compares this to talking about one of her teammates going through menopause. Is she suggesting these ladies are old enough for menopause? Vivica gives her a well-deserved look. Shawn's kind of a bitch. There, I said it.

Whoever did the makeup for the women's interviews I have to agree it's kind of creepy how different they look. They look like they're wearing a painting of themselves. Shawn looks like a completely different person. I think it's great the way makeup can help women feel good and give them a pick-me-up, but if you look so different you're not yourself what's the point?

Geraldo appreciates the love from the ladies but the reception from the men upon his return is a bit icy. I think they were all very fond of Gilbert so this was a blow. He is right that the men's team is working against themselves. (For that matter, so are the women at times.) Geraldo is annoying but he's a strong player, and they need to just embrace that and move on.

Trump gathers the contestants in a grand courtyard.

I am happy I actually recognize these iconic steps as part of Central Park and a quick Google search pinpointed this particular area as Bethesda fountain. I have only been to NYC three times in my life, so I recognize almost nothing usually. What a beautiful setting! Production takes their roles seriously on this show, and I appreciate it. The production values are above average, like the time and effort that goes into the locations we see. Seeing what a great job production has done capturing it this season makes me wish for the first time I knew this city better. It's really blossomed.
The teams are going to create a four-page fitness editorial for Cosmopolitan magazine. Doofus over there is blown away. Wow!!! she exclaims. Yeah, not bad for Wyomissing, PA, right Goz-land? Seriously, she's so out of place here. What is she even doing here?

Johnny the cute baseball player and Jamie the snowboarder are going to be the PMs. I think that makes perfect sense and it's nice to see both of them stepping up immediately when in past weeks everyone has avoided this role.

Jamie's charity is to protect our winters. It's going to be hysterical if her team wins because then Trump will have to give the show's money to something he has called the "GLOBAL WARMING HOAX." All caps, lol. He caused this big ole dustup on the inter webs last year during the polar vortex with tweets like that, remember that? There is some real science behind the belief that global warming is not really happening or if it is, it's just normal temperature fluctuations that have been going on since time began and certainly long before pollution, but I'm guessing you're probably not going to get anyone to listen to an idea different than the mainstream just by hitting that caps lock and labeling all the other side's views a "hoax." At the very least, some of the most prominent global warming theorists are acknowledging there has been a "pause" in the warming trend for at least fifteen years, some admitting even longer, that they've been struggling to explain. But it's Trump, so he's never able to present what might be a good point in any kind of reasonable fashion let alone at a normal decibel level. How in the world Ivanka was sired by him is also a great conspiracy. Perhaps even a HOAX. I myself think she really must have been conceived by velvet and cream puffs and I'm sticking to my theory.

Jamie has a sort of "the devil made me do it" look in her eye when she talks about her charity that makes me think she knows full well Trump doesn't believe this shit, but she's going to pry that money away from him and give it to a cause she loves and he despises because that will just be fun. So far, I like her.

Okay, these editors are amazing. As Jamie crows about how their cover should focus on natural beauty, they cut to a shot of Kenya, then Kate, then Brandi, the three most plastic members of the team. Haha, so well done. Why does Kate still look confused? No one is asking her to understand the concept of a scanner scanning in a receipt or bake a pie or anything difficult like that. It's a magazine cover for pity sake.

Shawn has an idea to feature the two Olympians on the team with the theme "coached by an Olympian." Not bad. Kenya points out though Cosmopolitan is a very sex-focused magazine and so maybe they should be sexier. True, but the executives didn't say anything about sex, unless it was edited out. They want a spread about fitness. Bless her heart, Jamie's goal is to just keep the peace on this team. She is one of those naive PMs who thinks she can both win and keep the peace. At a certain point though she is going to have to stand up for herself and her fate as PM if something is happening that could cause them to lose. I'm worried for her on this task.

Lol, Brandi makes a joke about how Kenya could just "buy" more booty rather than do squats and Kenya's death glare is priceless. Brandi just can't help herself, can she?

Over at Team Vortex, the men are once again looking much more organized. They are quietly studying old Cosmopolitan magazines like it's the GMATs. They quickly realize that Kenya is right, the magazine's focus really is on sex. My boyfriend has a wife???? But he's never mentioned her before!

The boys have this idea for some kind of spread invoking the popular "selfies." I love that Geraldo boasts about how he had a very successful "selfie" a short time ago. Well, right, as the butt of the joke, Geraldo. I will certainly not link to that particular selfie or post it here, because I care about you all. If you are a disturbed person and really want to see it again, I will leave you to find it on your own or ask our blog historian. What I will say is that when that selfie came out everyone was making fun of him for it, but he either doesn't realize this or just doesn't care. And this is the beauty of successful people, bad things slip right past them like they're teflon and not only that but they have an uncanny ability to just embrace the bad or even turn it around into something good, like on this task. Dare I say we could learn something from Geraldo and the selfie that America will never be able to erase from our minds.

Johnny is going to bring in his wife who is a model (of course she is) for the cover. I think Johnny is really trying to say something else, but the way it comes out is that women who read Cosmopolitan are perfect women. I imagine some men feel we should all be reading this. Maybe so ... or not. I don't read it and I don't feel I'm missing anything. I don't get the sense this guy is that bright but he seems pleasant enough.

Geraldo has some creepy ideas where he and Johnny will hug and be naked and take a selfie. Johnny and Ian are doing a Kate "ummmm" face. Which is all you can do in this situation. Ian thinks Johnny should have at least gotten Geraldo dinner and a movie first. Lol.

Jamie sticks Kate on the useless job of "counting, time management, etc." Et cetera, lol. These are the jobs you don't really need someone on but you have to assign to someone on the team who is a nuisance to your progress to keep them out of you and your team's hair extensions. Yea! I think she's finally on to her! Great idea, Jamie, stick Kate on counting, lol. Here Kate, count these sandwiches.

Kate's bored of counting already, instead she's texting. Naturally Kate wants to get rid of Brandi, the second strongest member of this team, because Brandi has conflict with Kenya and it's a side show. And Kate would know, she's been the ring leader of an eight-ringed circus since 2004. But Brandi is right, the model should not be Kenya. Kenya doesn't make sense for their theme. Brandi correctly suggests that the models should be their two gold medalists and then a third random male model. That's not conflict that's just stating the facts. Also quite honestly it's on the PM to tell Brandi and Kenya to knock off this little feud for the task and get down to business. Butt out, Barnum. Everything Kate says sounds like a question. 

Commercials! This question thing is not a regional thing, it's an American thing. And it's gotten worse by the year. Especially people under 30, it's like they must never have any certainty in their lives. We need to stop doing the little question uplift at the end of every sentence. Ask anyone British how an American sounds to them these days and they will tell you to please stop asking questions. If it bothers an American it must sound just infuriating to them. Awww, they're going to train guide dogs on the Today show. A friend of mine got a dog last year who detects when she's going to have a seizure, and he has changed everything for her. For the first time in her life she's not afraid to be left alone in her house, or go out on her own. She can have a social life now, even date. Dogs are beautiful, wonderful creatures.

Ohhhhh, now the girls want Brandi to be the model. In Brandi's defense, she never suggested herself. She's basically like well whatever you decide, if that's really what you want, but I did say it should be a man. This is all really pissing off jealous Kenya, who has to take a breather.

Johnny's wife arrives and she is indeed gorgeous, but please, no more duck lips photos. Lorenzo is so sexy when he directs. Even Lorenzo, who is so nice, admits that Johnny really isn't much to write home about of a project manager so everyone else is stepping up too. I really never got the sense Johnny is anything special. You have to be careful going on a show like this if people don't know you're not special. You don't want to accidentally let the cat out of the bag. I think despite his slow start, Lorenzo is shaping out to be one of the strongest players on the men's team and certainly one of the smarter ones.

The women modeling are going to wrap themselves in a flag and it will look like they are naked. Oh, well Kate knows about that. Kate feels this is "spot owwwwn." I don't know, wrapping yourself in a flag has been done only about a million times before. Seems kind of unoriginal. And also, maybe a bit disrespectful to imply you're naked under there.

Jamie's got this, she sends Kate and Vivica to get props and is like, one hour max, people. Lol, after last task's shitshow that's wise. Based on this and the way she's marginalized Kate, I think it's safe to say Jamie is now up to speed on what this doofus really is all about. Welcome, Jamie. I can't picture Kate puttering around with a "superior" Vivica glaring down on her for more than an hour so that should be okay. I think it's hysterical that we so accurately predicted that Kate will always be the one sent off on little mostly unimportant errands and such just to get her out of the way. Called it.

Kenya is trying desperately to make Brandi's butt pop but I'm afraid Brandi is, well, not Kenya. I can't believe this. Kate's useless to this task, so useless all she can do is count sheeple, but there's all this tension and conflict between Brandi and Kenya, and sweet Jamie can't really handle all this big dog fighting that well, so once again some other circumstances that have nothing to do with Kate, like really nothing to do with her, are probably going to keep her safe, again. Lol, this is just too much.

Ian is rather fascinated with how ripped Terrell is. He can't stop talking about his bumpy road of muscles. Simmer down there, Milo, or we'll turn those lights right on out. Hey, that's my camera! The Canon 5d Mark iii. It's the most perfect camera ever made which is why it's probably responsible for most of the photos you see these days including these ones. You could buy a nice used car with the same amount of money it costs, but it's the only electronic I know out there that is actually really and truly worth that kind of expense.

Kenya is not happy with Jamie's PMing because she's asking everyone else what to do. Kenya really hates Brandi's shoot and wants it to be sexier. Take it off, take it off. Brandi is obviously uncomfortable with this, she's like I've had two kids, I haven't worked out in months... But finally she says whatever fine I'll do it, it's for charity, and strips down to her bra and panties. Good for her. Jamie suggests Photoshop. Lol.

Commercials. Did time-lapse guy get fired? All my favorite time-lapses are missing from this episode. A little too much horsing around with the tilt shift lenses and not enough work? Kate and Vivica come back from shopping after "forever" according to Jamie. Oops, should have kept Kate on the counting job. At least Vivica has a pep in her step as she rushes back to the group. They quickly finish up the shoot with the Olympians wrapped in flags and then begin assembling the magazine.

Leeza, the strongest member of the whole team, is worried that they have two different themes going on here, one being sex and "touch me," the other being the athletes and exercising. Leeza, now sex and exercise do go together. You can burn a hundred calories having sex. If you're Brandi maybe even 200.

Ian wants to include a story in their magazine spread about his wife taking pole dancing classes. I really resent hearing about his wife much less her pole dancing. I guess this magazine does sort of feature stories like that. Geraldo thinks the story is too long. He thinks the photoshoot that goes with it is boring and cheesy. They need something to spice up this spread or they're toast. Geraldo to the rescue. Solution: Geraldo in only his socks, shoes and underwear, pumping dumbbells. Genius.

Geraldo thinks he started the trend of selfies. Heh, no, Geraldo, it's amazing you didn't stop the trend of selfies. I imagine he also takes credit for inventing spot news reporting, and talk shows. Certain shades of narcissism are more amusing than anything and mostly harmless. Lorenzo thinks all joking aside Geraldo is just too old for their target market, which is mostly 20 and 30 somethings.

Johnny does an okay job presenting, and good for him getting up there instead of leaving this job to a more obvious choice like Geraldo. Interrupting the presentation to take selfies is awkward, but at least they were trying to tie the presentation into their spread. Their spread looks professional, but the selfie of Geraldo doesn't fit. And is creepy.

Jamie also presents, and she's nervous and a bit stumbly, but again, good for her when she could have just passed this off on Leeza who is always phenomenal at presenting. I'm not quite understanding their concept but their spread is just as professional looking as the men's. The photos turned out beautiful, all of them. Then again, both teams had several unknowns sitting around computers and operating cameras for them on this task. It's not going to look like your fifth grade English assignment with staff like that. It's kind of questionable how much of this can be attributed to the teams and how much to the helper elves.

Boardroom time already again! Another problem with these fast edits this season is that you don't really get to see much of who and what were really the problem on the tasks. 30 second snippets here and there just aren't enough to delve into and analyze all the weak points, which is one thing that is so fun to do as a viewer. What a shame.

The men had a disagreement over what the title of the project would be and felt maybe they were all a little old for this demographic but overall my boyfriend thinks they won. Jamie also thinks her team won, and Kenya thought she was the star of the team. Well, she did work hard to get that booty of Brandi's to pop. Jamie actually agrees Kenya was really helpful here, she claims she did a lot of the work on this project. To me that didn't really come through that strongly in the edit I saw. I mostly saw her picking at Brandi and at one point even excusing herself from the room. I find it admirable though that Jamie can just move on from the little spat she had with Kenya last episode, which in her time was probably only just yesterday, and admit it when she feels Kenya did a good job and was helpful to her. That said, for all her praise, she probably just found out when she saw this episode that Kenya was talking poorly of her to the cameras throughout the task. That's Kenya.

Trump is pressing Brandi to throw Kenya under the bus because the producers I'm sure told him about their conflict during this task, but good ole Brandi is like I want to be a team like the boys so my answer to that is, I think we won! Lol, she's cute at times, oddly enough. Why is Kate making a shocked face when Brandi says they won? Way to back up your team. Kate's probably not going to be on the chopping block this time around, due to this other circumstance, of course. As usual.

Brandi can't help it, she says Kenya is "evil." Yikes, evil? Kenya is explaining Brandi has been way out of line with her since day one and Kate is sitting there nodding wildly and saying "I agree." Shut up, Kate. This has nothing to do with you. What's more, this feud obviously started way before this show, so what do you know about how it all went down, who started what, and which side to pick? You just hate Brandi because she is on to you. You hate her so much you'll support somebody who is obviously equally a basket case if not more. Everyone else is smart enough to just stay out of this one. Does Kate not understand the second Brandi is gone Kenya will just find somebody else to throw under the bus, and it could be Kate next? Guess what, sure enough nine months later Kenya was the only one to directly rat you out about Steve sharing your hotel room. And here you are wildly supporting her, lol. Doofus.

And just for the record, it is simply not true, Kenya (and Kate who is nodding), that Kenya never does anything to provoke this and always just ignores Brandi. This episode was crammed full of Kenya picking at Brandi and making equally snide and immature remarks about her booty and other things, making her take her clothes off in an obvious attempt to humiliate her (which backfired, Brandi looked great), etc. That's hardly ignoring her. She is no innocent here. It's a bitch fight, and they're both guilty.

The executives overall liked a whole lot of things about the men's "selfie" spread but felt it lacked in a specific takeaway. Fair enough. As for the women, the executives liked their buzzwords, but just like Leeza pointed out ages ago, the spread wasn't cohesive, it kind of jumped around. If they want to win these tasks they really need to talk to Leeza more. She knows how you get a message across, that's her entire career. Maybe Leeza needs to speak up louder when they're screwing up, like Geraldo does. The men win it.

Johnny's charity is a charity he started and helps out in a variety of areas, like wounded warriors. He chokes up, as he is a celeb who truly believes in this stuff. Well, he gets credit for being sincere.

When Trump tells the men to get outta here, he makes a grand sweeping gesture like he's a conductor wildly cutting off the French horns. He's so flamboyant and doesn't care.

Trump wants to know whose fault this was. The Housewives, Jamie explains, because they wanted the attention of being the main model. I'm not really sure what in the world she is talking about. Brandi was very clear she did not want to be the model, and had to practically be dragged kicking and screaming into the shoot. For a couple minutes Kenya did want to be the model but once it was decided that wasn't going to be the case I don't recall her ever mentioning it again. Jamie may be smart however to twist her way into a pretzel to blame this on the Housewives. They both hate each so much they're sure to blame each other in the boardroom and take the heat off Jamie. Well played. Ivanka explains that really Jamie is ultimately responsible for missing the boat on not having the four pages relate to each other or showing what the result will be. Oh, now Kate's all nodding at all this?? She used Jamie for what purpose she could, now it's see ya sister, anybody but Kate. Also she seems to have made a few inroads with Kenya by taking her side in her silly feud with Brandi, so the minions are no longer as much use to her I suppose. What a transparent, fair weather friend she is. It's kind of interesting most of the other women aren't really saying much or even defending themselves when Jamie blames them. I think they all know Jamie is done for and it's best to just try to stay out of it. Mel here on the blog pointed out that Kate always makes sure she's sitting or standing near the strongest player so she can bobble her head and act like it was the two of them versus all the other dolts. It's so true. I'm sure the producers must arrange them sometimes, but Kate surely has a role in where she ends up at other times, and it's just too coincidental how she's always right there in the thick of it, having done absolutely nothing of significance to contribute to the task but still bobbling away like she was all part and parcel to everything. What a doofus.

Wow, amazingly enough Brandi decides to swim upstream and wants Kate fired! Lol! She's all like not withstanding all these other issues all Kate does is shop and zone out and how is that at all helpful? If you want to know how I feel about it fire Kate, Trump. You know, if the team got together on this they could make this Kate thing happen but once again, because of all these other things going on distracting people from the fact that she's a doofus, Kate is pretty much sailing on through these tasks and boardrooms giving 10% effort but for Brandi calling her out. How embarrassing it is that despite Brandi's nasty feud with Kenya, she would still fire Kate? How bad is she anyway?

But, but, "doing errands with Vivica and 'et cetera' was assigned to me," Kate says in her defense. Lol, she's so damn literal. Et cetera, lol. Kate, you forgot counting. I want to know how that went, that was assigned to you too.

Trump gets bored with her before she can even finish her sentence and cuts Kate off to ask her who she would fire, haha. Predictably, she would fire Brandi. Because Brandi is on to her. Haha, Trump gets bored again and cuts her off to ask Vivica something. Vivica says quite honestly you know who drives me nuts? Brandi and Kate.  Fire them. LOL!

I think a lot of stuff was left on the cutting room floor on this episode. I mean, we didn't see any of the entire shopping trip with Vivica. That's a lot of time to drive Vivica bananas we weren't privy to. We didn't see much at all of Kate but she must have done something to have these women tearing their extensions out over her when really they should point to Jamie since it's obvious that's what Ivanka wants. Jamie's a shoe-in, but the women are still going after Kate! Hehe.

Kate manages to sound like a tool when she responds to Trump demanding to know why she isn't stepping up, by saying the reason I don't step up for certain roles is because I'm comfortable in all roles. I.e. the other ladies are only good at some things so I wouldn't want to step up and grab something and take it away from such-and-such if it's going to be the only thing that such-and-such is good at, so I'm just being accommodating to all of their shortcomings, your honor. What a narcissist, and what incredible spin, Steve. Trump really can't stand to listen to her for more than a few seconds before he cuts her off again to move on to someone else. Leeza's shaking her head when Kenya's trying to throw Brandi under the bus saying she's toxic to the team. Leeza says she thinks Brandi's great. I'm going to trust Leeza on this, she's the best player here. Ohhh, Jamie brings back Kate and Kenya. That's really not a bad choice at all. Kenya was responsible for so much on this task she could try to blame the failings on her, and enough people have thrown out some ammunition about Kate tonight she could use that as her backup plan.

The men are baffled why she won't pick Brandi. Eh, Brandi's not going to get fired at this stage. She's too hard of a worker and there's nothing about her feud with Kenya that had anything to do with the outcome of this task. Oh, man, Kenya is pissed that Jamie brought her back. The only problem with this is if you get somebody like Kenya mad enough she's going to fight ten times as hard as you ever will, the boxing gloves are going to come out. Eek.

Oh no, Jamie actually tells Trump maybe she made a mistake bringing Kenya back. Oh, no, oh, no. No you didn't, Jamie, you made a great choice because Kenya did all the layout of this project and was very involved with everything they did wrong, and now you just look indecisive, and bullied. Bonehead move. Sure enough Trump turns this right around on her and says this is just part of the problem, you're indecisive. Sigh.

Oh, how nice of Kate to say Jamie sucked so badly at this because she just loves everyone. She's so patronizing and she's not fooling anyone, least of all I would hope Jamie, playing this off like oh I'm so disappointed my minion just isn't up to snuff but I love her anyway, oh well, keep in touch! Bitch, please. Ivanka acts like maybe bringing Kate back wasn't the best move either. Ivanka! She kind of sounds like she has a head cold, so I can only assume that was some momentary lapse with reality.

Jamie finally says I guess I brought Kenya back because she was so involved with this project. Yes, yes, yes, now you're getting it. Unfortunately she should have been pounding away on that two hours ago. It's too late now. She wants Trump to change the rules and fire Brandi but he acts like, change the rules, what, never! Even junior jumps in to say come now, Jamie, you can't be serious. Heh.

Trump says look I could spend time asking Kate and Kenya who he should fire, but that would make him want to tear the rest of his hair out one strand at a time so let's just skip all that shall we? Thank you, Trump. Jamie, you're fired. Trump seems relieved he doesn't have to give a dime to that global warming hoax charity. It's incredible the way Kate tries so hard to act like something she's not. She is so fake. She gives Jamie this awkward bear hug, swaying her side to side like you would your daughter as she goes off to college, stay positive you're just so wonderful and I love you blah blah blah. Stay positive, lol. It's a reality show for gosh sakes. You knew this woman all of what, a week? Good grief.

Jamie doesn't understand that her mistake here was not that she didn't bring Brandi back. That's irrelevant. The mistake was in not explaining why this was all Kenya's fault, as she was more or less in charge of exactly what they screwed up. She should have used Kenya's own words against her! Before they found out they won, Kenya herself said that she was the "star" of this task. She gave herself all the credit. Then it was revealed they fucked up. So who do you blame but the self-proclaimed star? It's so simple. Why no one else seems to get this except Leeza is beyond me, but I think quite frankly, Kenya intimidates a lot of them. As is her right, bullying is part of her game play.

In the car ride home Jamie says this was "almost" her first time being fired in life. Almost her first time? Hehe, I want to hear about the first time!

Oh thank goodness, timelapse guy is back with some cool night shots of city traffic.

Predictably, Kenya just gets cockier about herself having made it through the boardroom. You got through because some 25 year old or whatever couldn't get her thoughts together. Big whoop, doesn't mean you're any good. Look at, Kate. This is her second boardroom and she still sucks at this game.

It seems to me a good many of the players here like Kenya, or at least don't mind her. Terrell touches her ass and discovers it feels real. Brandi thinks it's quite interesting the way she's manipulated them. I don't know if that is the case. I think it's just not the best idea to go around picking fights with people on a show where everyone has a say in who is getting voted off. I think it's as simple as that. Surely at least some of these ladies darn well know, at least Leeza, that Kenya was more or less in charge of a task that utterly failed. I mean pretty much everyone has been shaking their head about Kate, but only Brandi has been actually actively picking a fight with her to her face. That's just game play. Somebody might drive you bonkers, but you might put up and shut up about it because you don't want to call attention to yourself.

The next morning it's pouring rain, who doesn't love New York in the rain, and they meet at the gorgeous Central Park Boathouse. I love it, it's so Dirty Dancing. The task is to sell wedding dresses and raise money for charity. They can charge whatever they want for the dress.

Trump mixes up the teams and the new teams are Kenya, Brandi, Leeza, Johnny, Terrell and Ian as their PM. (Leeza? You're going to have to step up sometime if you are serious about winning this.)

The other team is Kate, Vivica, Shawn, Lorenzo, the crab fisherman, and Geraldo as PM. Geraldo sounds a little bummed he has to step up as PM again so soon but he's like look, I looked around at my team (especially at Kate, right?) and realized I am really the only one who has any business stepping up on a fundraising task. True enough. I am mad Kate got separate from Brandi, the only person willing to call her out to her face. Crab fisherman's lucky if he can figure out how to set an oven timer correctly let alone worry about giving Kate a hard time. Nobody else here is going to give her much grief except Geraldo but chances are he'll be too busy doing actual work and such to bother.

Vivica is so relieved to get some "new energy" on her new team.

If Jamie was a Type B personality, just get along with everybody I don't even realize when someone is upset with me, Geraldo is such a classic competitive, type A personality that you just have to laugh. You cannot stop people like him. Getting mad at them just makes them work against you harder. As Geraldo explains, having Ian on the opposite team, Ian who used to be aligned with Jonas brother, just motivates Geraldo to work harder. I guess Geraldo strongly associates Ian with his nemesis Jonas brother. That feels like ages ago but Geraldo has not set things right yet about that in his psycho mind. It's not really about his charity as much as it's about showing Ian because he is just wired this way, he simply must show Ian. And that's the mistake boyfriends like Ian make. They get in a game with that nut thinking it's poker on a Friday night with the boys, meanwhile Geraldo acts like it's Vegas and the world series and it's Doyle Lawson on his left and Ian on his right and a quarter of a million dollars posted as the small blind. He's just playing this completely psycho competitive crazy thing that nobody else is or ever has before on this show and he's smoking everyone as he goes.

Geraldo is getting the game plan together and there's Kate right next to him sort of in the Barney Fife role, vigorously scribbling down notes for him as if that is at all helpful.  Geraldo wants to know estimated fundraising numbers from everyone.

"I'm pretty comfortable saying 50," Kate says with a straight face. 50, what? 50 bucks, it has to be. Surely not $50,000. Baw-hahhaha. Baw-hahaha.  How do you go from zero on the first task to $50,000 three days later? Rat Claws better have inherited the DuPont estate in the past three days or she's lying.

Ew, Geraldo is one of those men who doesn't cut their nails that often. I have always found that so gross. A man should not have nails unless he plays guitar.

Ha, the crab fisherman, Shawn and Vivica, who are all in the other van, have the same reaction as me! They're just like, 50 grand? You've got to be joking, Goz-land. I love that she's the butt of the joke for just about everyone, even if most people don't feel like saying it to her face. Other reality stars are making fun of her, like crab fisherman and Brandi. She is a joke even among jokes, it's so bad.

Vivica lets us in on the fact that in the Pie Face episode Kate had promised to bring in $25,000 and nothing showed up. That's great information that they never told us before. So Kate was telling everyone that mythical check was for 25 grand?? Hahaha. Kate's not above lying to act like she has any business whatsoever among these real celebs. It's pathetic, sad, and most of all hysterical. Color me shocked that crab fisherman seems to be implying that if Kate pulls that kind of crap again.....you fill in the blank. Sounds like he means to see to it she's fired. Wow, and I was just saying I didn't think he had any interest in her. This is awesome. Carry on!

Ian is talking to his team like he is William Wallace, trying to get them all motivated. The goal is to raise money. The plan is now. His charity is for children who have a genetic disease that causes sores on their skin. Why did he pick this charity? Because he loves skin care. And kids. Thus, a charity about skin care and kids. Ian's even dressed in plaid. Braveheart's army never looked this bored.

And dying in our beds one day, Brandi, will you trade one chance, just one chance, to beat Kate Goz-land at the wedding dress challenge on Celebrity Apprentice? Brandi's eyes glaze over. I had no idea my boyfriend was such a Hollywood fruitcake. I think we may be breaking up in this episode.

Holy shit, Ian has almost $200,000 locked, loaded and ready to go! Way to barely bring out hardly any of that in the Pie Face challenge, geez Louise. There was more game play going on in that Pie Face challenge than I gave these dumb clucks credit for. There is no way Geraldo is going to anticipate Ian has that much he could bring in, is that real? This is the best episode yet so far, mixing the teams around was like a double shot of espresso. I'm ready now.

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Ian's team, every single one, are all working the phones like crazy. Exactly what you should do on a fundraiser challenge. There's a ton of food around and everyone is chowing down but the editors aren't editing this to make fun of anyone for eating. That's just saved for Kate. Brandi is ten feet away trying not to have drama and have some quiet for her phone calls. Ian wants her to rejoin the group, like I said ten feet away. She's like eh, no thanks. Terrell gets bored after a few phone calls and stops calling, eats a sandwich, yawns, and so on. Kenya tries to encourage him to get back to it. I think he is one of the biggest duds but I haven't heard a single person flag him as a weak link. Odd.

Over at Geraldo's team he too is on the phone. Kate's in the background sort of playing with her phone but not actually talking on it. Even Lorezno, Sig, and Shawn are making calls.

Kate is worried that her nonexistent money might not come in again. Why? It's not snowing anymore. It's not even raining. Maybe the abominable snowman melted along with the check?

Oh God, I hate what a good idea this is. Ted Gibson stops by and Kate sets him up to agree to give a free hair consultation for those buying dresses. Was this all Kate's idea? It can't be, it's too good. I'm skeptical about the responsible party. Kate claims it's her idea. She also has this idea that she and Geraldo will dress up as a bride and groom and stand outside getting people to come in. It's better than just a boring sign. I would have bet money on that being someone else's idea to just get her out of the way. Who is this woman and what was in that coffee Steve gave her this morning? She's actually contributing something more meaningful to the task than her usual shocked and appalled faces and knick knacks from Bed Bath and Beyond. I get the sense it's really important to her to impress Geraldo. I know he's PM and all, but she seems really overly eager to please him, almost like a strange sort of father figure type psychology going on here, you know what I mean?

You know the sad thing about this? This just proves Kate does have it in there. There are good ideas to be had in that little noggin ready to go and she can work if she would just apply herself once in awhile and not be so darn lazy and zoned out all the time. Aw, Geraldo gives her some nice encouragement, calls this sudden brainstorm session quite enterprising of her. I guess you can't fix stupid. Kate doesn't know what enterprising even means, lol. Shoulda asked her kids, I'm sure they could tell her, they've lived it.

Kate's thrilled they finally have men on the team so they can do all the heavy lifting of carrying the dress racks inside and she can assume her usual role of ordering others about. If those are what I've lifted before, those racks are darn heavy. Team Estrogen, the crab fisherman mutters. Hehe.

No one can find Brandi. Oh no, she took off. She calls Ian and said she had a panic attack and went back to the hotel and will work from her bed. Oh, dear. Kenya thinks this is because Brandi is all intimidated by Kenya. Nah, I don't think so. I do think it's because she has difficulty controlling herself at times and shuts down. She doesn't want to explode on Kenya or anyone and cause a problem so she checked out.  She's like this on the Real Housewives show, too. She slips into bad places and does unwise things and makes unwise comments. I've thought at times she is the survivor of some kind of abuse, I don't know by whom. She needs a lot more therapy than even she already has gotten, but I do think she means well under all these issues. And, why do I feel like once again some other circumstance that has nothing to do with Kate is going to result in somebody else getting fired other than Kate. Yep.

Lorenzo the rat tells Geraldo Ian has told them his number is $180,000. I like that Lorenzo's the narc here. This is his new team now and if he is not here to win why is he here at all? Ian was a real dummy to tell anyone that number until he absolutely had to. Of course all this information does is motivate Geraldo all the more. Now he has a number to aim for, and that's bad news for Ian. The only way this could ever work out for Ian is if Geraldo did not know his number. Now that he  knows it? Game over for my boyfriend and I'm breaking up with him, too. Kate's all giddy because she's sitting front and center and being treated like a real live team member and confidant. Geraldo doesn't have time to do anything but just act like he's accepted her, he has bigger fish to fry and a sleepless night ahead coming up with more donors.

It's the morning, and look at how peppy and talkative Goz-land is this fine morning. She is finally in her element. She's self-appointed herself Geraldo's assistant and loving the ego inflation from it, Brandi's not in her hair extensions anymore, a semi-real celebrity Ted Gibson is on his way over to help her win and so is a big fat check she hopes. Look at her out there in the wedding dress, laughing and joking with Geraldo about her eight kids and so on. This is just nuts the way she came alive. She's been hibernating this whole time.

Brandi is back and dressed up all nice and looking much better and already bringing in some donations. Good, I hope that's all over with. But Geraldo's team brings in a $100,000 check early. Good Lord, that is so much money. All kidding aside, can you imagine writing a check like that? Rich people are another world.

Ian brings in the Chip 'n' Dales. Hello.

Kate's being all clever and stuff. Kate must have an earpiece in her ear, she has to. She's like Sig was wrestling in women to the store like he must wrestle fish. Well, crabs are better described as crustaceans, but I'll let that go since at least she's making an effort to say interesting and funny things. Guess what, if you make an effort to be cute and clever, you suddenly get edited into the cut a lot more.

Noooo, Ian gets a check for $165,000. You know, I have to say for as silly as this task is I'm almost tearful here. Man alive, the generosity out there makes you really want to believe in the human race again. Who throws around that kind of money at charity? A lot of people, apparently.

Eric Trump comes over to check things out and wants to know where Kate's check is she promised. There's only minutes left. On it's way, she says. Lol. I wonder if Kate ever thinks about this idea that whoever her donor is obviously isn't taking her all that seriously to flake on her the first task and cut it down to the wire on the second. That's not very respectful of her.

Terrell sucks, some of his donors are falling through. At least Kate is hustling on her phone trying to get an ETA. Terrell explains that the reality is he really isn't comfortable begging for money. I see. I mean, I get that. It's the last thing I would want to do. But I'm guessing a lot of people don't like doing this, but they've done it because it was for the team and for the win and it's what was expected of them. If this is really not something you're willing to do then you shouldn't have bothered with this show.

Like a knight in shining armor Kate's donor pulls up in a beautifully crisp Mercedes. Who is this guy? He looks cool, like I own a minor league baseball team and a software company in Austin cool. I skimmed some mutterings about who he was on the blog but haven't had a chance to read most of the comments so I'm in the dark still.

Somebody pointed out a common theme when editing this show is to show some kind of dud contestant making a real turn around, and this was indeed Kate's redemption edit. That was the cliche storyline straight out of the playbook, and they fit her into it. Life's a funny thing.

Final boardroom of the night! Ian sells Brandi out about her little incident, and says it was because of Kenya. Brandi said it had nothing to do with Kenya, she just had a panic attack and felt really sick and even threw up. That does sound like symptoms of a real panic attack and they really aren't necessarily triggered by something big like some huge feud with Kenya. I find it hard not to believe Brandi when she said she would continue to make calls from her bedroom and then once it was over was right back there ready to work the next morning and bringing in money without skipping a beat. It's not like she was checked out the whole task as Kenya loves to spin it. Even Trump said a panic attack is not really "checking out," that's hardly fair.

This is really being set up as Kenya vs. Brandi, and someone will have to go and soon.

Barney Fife just loves her boss. She's in awe of everything about him, it was an honor to work for him. He's marvelous. Lol, what is Trump's response to all this ego stroking? Do you have a boyfriend? Haha, he just blurts it out like your grandfather would in front of everyone at the Thanksgiving table. Kate's like uh, uh, well no, but I'll be Geraldo's next ex-wife. Lol. Oh, Kate, it's not as much fun to make fun of you when you're joking too.

It's amazing what a little self-deprication and loosening up will do, Goz-land. I will never say I actually liked her in this episode, but she didn't grate on my last nerve and I wasn't bringing out the doofus term as much as usual, which is saying a lot. You know what, I think she's so intimidated by other strong women she just can't hack it. She shuts down, can't control herself when provoked. She gets along with people like Geraldo because she responds to people who either are much younger and she can mother, or those so much older and wiser they take on a fatherly role toward her. Nobody was going to mother or father Kate on the women's team, that's not how women are in this competition usually. Thus, she reverted to an ineffective doofus. I have a sneaking suspicion this is why she loves Steve so much, he too fulfills that fatherly role for her she responds to so well, and brings out the best in her.

Trump's still playing the grandfather. He's like hey you over there, Shawn, you've really grown up! Haha, that's all he says to her. Poor Shawn.

Trump said there was $600,000 raised with only about a $2,500 difference. Wow! That's unbelievable! His solution to this is to allow the project managers to each keep their own money or go for broke and stick to the deal with winner taking all. There's no way they're not sticking to this deal, they're both too psycho and Type A, and splitting the pot will always make a Type A feel like they didn't really win even if they did.

Geraldo admits that going for broke would just be an ego move, which is entirely true, and begrudgingly he will have to put that aside and just split it. I'm shocked. Good for him and nice for the charities. How wonderful for both charities. I can't even imagine what a small charity like Camp Barnabas would do with this sort of money. I mean it would change everything for them. You could make a freaking endowment in perpetuity with that sort of money and never have to worry about fundraising ever again. As much as money doesn't have to be important in one's life, it can also do a lot of powerful, amazing things.

Geraldo's team wins. Wow. Geraldo says artistic again to mean autistic. So that wasn't just a fluke, I think he thinks that's how it's pronounced, hehe.

Oh this is so sad. How can Trump fire anyone on a team that brought in almost $300,000? How crazy. Geraldo knew they won because he could actually just add in his head and the numbers Trump was throwing out plus the number he knew he had told him they won before it was announced. I was thinking that. Anyone who can add in their head would know the result of this. But of all these dolts only Geraldo could figure it out. The rest were just sitting there waiting in suspense. Hehe.

Trump agrees to round off both men's numbers to $300,000. Ian admits Brandi raised about $40,000, even from bed at home. Based on that, I say her panic attack is a complete non-issue at this point. Kenya only raised $30,000 without a panic attack, so. Leeza raised a respectable $20,000.

Geraldo says based on those numbers you can't justify firing either Brandi or Kenya. Lorenzo thinks Leeza is safe too. Uh oh, that only leaves Terrell and Johnny. Either one of them is a dud so it doesn't matter to me. Trump is confused how people like Terrell and Johnny with their contacts can't come up with much of anything. It's pretty simple, because some people are shy about cold calling asking for money even if it's for charity even if it means they'll be fired. Ian is absolutely correct to bring back Terrell or Johnny. I imagine these men are shocked he would bring long-standing team members back over the women they just joined up with, but Ian is playing to win so you can't blame him for that. If he does something stupid like bring someone back who raised $40,000, next thing you know Ian will be gone. One of them is done and Ian will be safe, but I'm afraid Ian and I? We've broken up. I'm fine. I'll just box up his stuff and he's going to pick it up tomorrow when I'm not home. Really, I'm okay. Ian is in disbelief that one of Terrell's donors that fell through would have been enough so that they won. That is crushing. Terrell seems ready to go, I think he's had about enough.

My ex has his moments where he's a real nut. "Inspiration" is how he raised this kind of money. Huh? Freak.

Terrell, you're fired. Dud from day one. See ya.

The future will deliver, William Wallace says in his plaid suit as he gazes into Terrell's eyes. It's inside of you. Freedom!!! You know Beverly Hills High was built on an oil well. It pumps $300,000 in profits a year of that stuff believe it or not. Maybe the fumes have finally caught up to him.

Aw, next week the great Joan Rivers will be an advisor on the show. What sweet justice that one of her final acts on this earth is to take Kate Goz-land to task.

Fun fact. Kate and Vivica are the only women to have won their tasks as Project Manager so far. Fun fact, Kate has been to the boardroom twice and come out alive twice. We live in a parallel universe, folks. Happy 1,000th!