Recap: Celebrity Apprentice Ep. 4: Abandon ship, Captain!

Last time on Celebrity Apprentice! Geraldo turned a hairy lemon into silky smooth lemonade by leveraging his creepy shirtless selfie from last year into a halfway decent campaign for Cosmopolitan, and the men won it. Due to some other circumstance, Jamie was fired instead of Kate, who contributed nothing to the task except picking up a few more tchotchkes from Bed Bath and Beyond. Trump then mixed up the teams, and with Geraldo at the helm, Schmoopy here came alive, cozying up to Geraldo her newest father figure and giving slightly more than her usual 10% effort. Ian turned out to be a Hollywood fruitcake, and once Geraldo knew the target number Ian thought Ian could raise (oops), Ian's team was toast. Terrell was a dud who was raised to think it's rude to ask people for money. That's fine in real life and he could sure teach Kate a thing or two, but that won't work on a D list reality show, something his mother never anticipated when she was bestowing a fine value system on him. So he got fired.

Kate calls Vivica "Viv." Well, isn't she just one of the girls! She claims the drama in the boardroom made her tense up. For someone who has made a career out of surrounding herself with drama and a half, she sure claims to hate it a lot. She should stop doing things she hates.

Ian has figured out that if he keeps going back to the boardroom, he increases his chances of getting fired. Oh, no, he's dumb, too. Sheesh, that's the sort of stupid comment I'd expect from somebody like doofus over there.

The crab fisherman is smarter than most and has done the calculations and figured out they all made it to the halfway point. Shawn is shocked she made it this far. Me, too. And that attitude is why Shawn is an Olympic dud. She's far too negative and a real wuss. I've never seen an Olympian act this pathetic on a reality show. Successful people are not shocked to make it to the halfway point or even to win, because step one of success is believing they should win. If Shawn doesn't even believe she should be halfway there, she has no chance of ever winning. At least Jonas brother, tool that he was, believed he should be there. Even when he was fired he still believed he should have won.

I haven't said much about the credits but they have always been top notch on this show. I love the heavy saturation and clarity. Leeza is adorable. Some of the montages are really artful, like Jamie's snow and Brandi throwing vodka out of a glass or whatever, which if you know the Real Housewives show you would know how perfect that is for Brandi.

The great Joan Rivers is a Trump adviser! I heart her. Or hearted. :(

They're in the showroom of the Ivanka collection. Whatever Ivanka touches turns to gold, Trump explains, she's a perfect child. I don't find his parental bragging obnoxious because it's true, Ivanka is phenomenal. She's so beautiful, so classy, and so intelligent. She develops things as effortlessly as putting cheese spread on crackers and they are a success. And she's a 90210 super fan in her spare time. I wonder why no one here is "just jealous" of a woman so perfect. They're going to create a marketing event to promote Ivanka's shoes for Nordstrom and their campaign "Power Up." I love Nordstrom! The fact that they have teamed up with Ivanka speaks volumes about the quality of Ivanka's products. She ain't no Kathy Lee.

Crab fisherman is a little disconcerted, all the tasks have been so women-oriented he can't find his penis in the morning. He says this. Kate shushes him, as she is a paragon of virtue. After all she has eight kids she is the role model for, and that comment was inappropriate. Kate totally seems like one of those women who can't stand words like penis and vagina and still call them pee-pee and cha-cha because she has never grown up.

Shawn puts her gymnastics skills to good use by bending over backwards to avoid PM. Shawn doesn't know anything about this, she insists. What does she know about? The most she's ever done for her team is complain about her period and invoke her good sense of balance to scale a wall to hang something. Vivica is like whatever, I'll do it, I've done it before and Shawn needs to step up (and I'm still bitter about her insinuation I'm menopausal), but whatever. I like Vivica. I never expected to dislike Shawn this much. Step up already, even Kate has stepped up. Sheesh!

Ha-ha, Kenya is going to be PM for the other team! Oh, this is going to be tough, Trump says. And good, I predict. Leeza needs to step up and soon but since she pulls her weight so much on every task I'll forgive it. And this is where Shawn's strategy is going to backfire because it could very well be her and Leeza as PMs next task and she has no business going up against Leeza, she'll be done for if she does. Stupid.

Kenya has a brilliant idea to use a piano.

Kenya puts Brandi on this, so she can blame Brandi when it goes wrong. Leeza doesn't like it, it's too old school Nordstrom and they're supposed to be targeting younger women. Again though she really isn't that forceful about trying to take her team in a different, and better direction.

Over at team Vortex, Kate's all gregarious again this fine morning because for some reason Geraldo brings out the best in her. She loves everything about his ideas so much she can't help herself interrupting him to tell him how great he is. Geraldo is similarly amazed by how wonderful and amazing he is. Color me surprised two narcissists would get along so swimmingly.

Oh, no, they put Kate on interior decorating. Have they seen her Christmas tree?

Shawn sucks but at least she throws out some decent ideas on most tasks, including this one. Kate throws out nothing this time but is vigorously taking notes again in an oh-so-helpful manner. You know in case they forget all this. Even Vivica is like I don't get Shawn, she has good ideas but refuses to step up as PM. By the way Shawn explained earlier her strategy is avoidance. That's fine for the first several tasks but you can't do that the whole show! Avoidance is a great strategy to get you into the thick of it, but as Crab fisherman explained we're halfway there now. Avoidance will backfire on you and big time if you try to use that tactic in the second half. You have to step up in the second half, there's just no way around it. And frankly you're better to do it as soon as possible when there are still weak players left as good options to fire. With a team as decent as this one and some duds still over on the other team, Shawn should have just gone for it on this task, now or never.

Commercials! My favorite timelapses are back, with an awesome skyline morning shot and some fun street shots.

Team Vortex gets to their mobile truck for their set up and yowser, it's tiny! Like only two or three people can comfortably be in there tiny. Lorenzo wisely suggests setting up things outside. Geraldo suggests a coffee bar outside. Well, that's good.

Shawn and Kate are dismayed at this change in plan. Dismayed. Well, but they're off in some fabric store where all good PMs send their most useless contestants. Shawn and Kate can't see the set up to realize how small it is. You have to trust your team that the set up is too small to go with their original plan of couches or whatever. Vivica is trying to explain to the doofuses that the setup ... is .. .too .... small .... for .... their ..... original ..... game plan .... to ....work. They're not getting it of course. They already cut and paid for the fabric. Whatever, Vivica says, scrap it.

Kate's shocked. Shocked! 

Shawn says Vivica is "sinking" their entire team. What the hell? No, Vivica is saving it. How difficult is this to understand? They came up with a nice concept with couches that suddenly didn't work because the space was smaller than one of those popular tiny houses. Vivica quickly changed course to an outdoor coffee bar. They're going to have to eat it on the 500 bucks, who cares.

Vivica's just had enough of Shawn being so contrary and hangs up. Story of our lives folks, because of some other circumstance, Shawn just driving Vivica and viewers bonkers, Kate's gonna skate by. I feel it coming and I'm prepared.

I really love the Apprentice editors, they are the best reality T.V. editors in the business. They must have loads of fun in those editing bays. They play sort of "dopety-dough" type music I would call it, sort of a little tuba, you know the kind of music that lets you know the current subject in front of you is an idiot. Kenya is puttering around in their tiny house pointing out where things will go, spliced in with shots of Leeza looking really skeptical. Lol. Leeza doesn't think they have a cohesive concept, which incidentally was their problem on Cosmopolitan, too. Uh-oh, Brandi is worried about this too.

Kenya think the team knows she's the strongest player creatively. Hehe, well what she dreams up about what others think of her is creative that's for sure. Kenya says this is about Brandi being bothered by Kenya's intelligence and creativity. Eh, no, it's about Brandi being worried they don't have a cohesive concept.

Haha, there's so much tension now on Kate's team between Vivica and Shawn and also Vivica and Kate, because Kate has sort of aligned herself with Shawn and is doing negative body language like crossing her arms and looking at the tiny house with scorn. This is wonderful. No more "Vivs" for you, doofus.

Kate doesn't get the concept of shoes and a coffee shop. Of course she doesn't, she was asked to get something within a matter of minutes, and that's far too much for her. Kate and Shawn go off to another room to stuff their faces and lament how much Vivica sucks. Lol. I think all this is about is Kate and Shawn both being so damn immature that they can't stand the fact that Shawn's brilliant concept of couches had to be scrapped. Everyone liked Shawn's idea. Until they saw the space. Turns out, the space was too small. Shawn's idea had to be eighty-sixed because it wouldn't work. It had to be. It's not personal, girls. Now go finish your gyros.

Commercials again. Another lovely rainy morning in New York. That sucks though, since a lot of things are going to be outside. They didn't think to check the weather report? Kate should have checked the weather and pointed that out if she wanted to get what she wanted. Dolt. That said, a rainy day is perfect to attract people who want hot drinks, so maybe this will work out after all.

Kenya's spending large amounts of time on the chandelier and piano. Everyone else is scrambling unwrapping shoes, hanging mirrors, wiping things off, etc. I wish I had a broom, Leeza says. Why don't you ask Kate, she surely has one. Leeza is not above crouching down and scrubbing floors with a paper towel. I wish I had a project manager, Brandi quips, which ends up being the title of this episode. Heh.

Ha, Lorenzo thinks it's a great day for coffee, too. Aw. My new fav team member.

Kate is still going on about how do shoes relate to coffee. I don't think that's that weird. Pop-up coffee shops are everywhere now, including department stores, grocery stores, drug stores. But Kate insists this is the most bizarre thing she's ever heard. When your assistant/bodyguard/nanny is always the one fetching your coffee for you, you can easily get out of touch with coffeeshops these days. The one thing I think Kate's right about however is that they have all the shoes inside the tiny house and no shoes outside. There needs to be some kind of flow and transition from the outdoor cafe inside to the tiny house, tying it all together with the shoes. In other words, some shoes should be outside to draw you inside. But does Kate articulate this to her team and insist they make this relatively minor change? Of course not, unless it was edited out. She'll just put it in her pocket and save that one to throw Vivica under the bus in the boardroom later. Classic Krieder.

Promptly at eleven people start pouring in, getting their coffee and checking out the shoes. People seem to like it. There's even a line. Sounds like the concept is working. The legend Joan Rivers stops by, grabs a coffee, checks out the tiny house and, aww, says they actually did a great job. She loves it. You know, the idea Kate and Shawn hated. Ha, Joan Rivers calls Geraldo "my cookie." That's great.

Over on Kenya's team, they're doing shots and massages. Lol, and that's the Real Housewife vision of this concept. Leeza and Kenya show Joan around and Leeza is surprised that Leeza is actually sort of feeling their concept now, it's grooving. Hey, a few drinks does tend to get things going. Joan likes their set-up too, and wants to know if Leeza has those particular shoes in a "Six Bunion." Haha! Joan, you are greatly missed.

Ivanka shows up and Brandi advises her to watch her head on the chandelier inside. Watch her head? Sure enough inside the tiny house the chandelier is hanging about five and a half feet off the ground. It's eye level with Kenya. That's hysterical. Everything looks even smaller as a result, like the way some little people modify their houses so everything is two feet lower. Good idea, Kenya, hang it right about the level you would hang a pinata at a six-year-old's birthday party, that's where that should go, perfect! If there was one thing I did not quite anticipate coming into this show is that there would actually be as big or bigger idiots than Kate among the fleet.

Ivanka gives the chandelier, which practically blocks some of the people she is talking to from her view, a sort of "hmmm, interesting choice of decor" look. Which is a classy woman's way of saying what in the f--ckity f--- is that? Kenya doesn't see how she could possibly lose.

Over on Kate's team, Lorezno takes over trying to sell their concept to Ivanka. He does a great job and should step up as PM soon, but their set-up really is lacking that transition from coffee to shoes. It seems to me a lot of people are just there for the coffee and are skipping the shoes. That can't be good. Ivanka steps into the tiny house and Kate manages to explain the set-up well enough with help from Ivanka who prompts her with questions. There's that thick PA accent back again, the 9-5 shoe is in "vaa-rious" places in the tiny house. Hehe.

Well, Vivica is just as confident as Kenya is in her team that Vivica's team won. Whenever she is project manager they always seem to make a mad dash for the finish line! Hehe, you mean that one time before when you were PM? Yes there is a definite pattern here.

Boardroom time! Trump praises Joan for a bit, calling her a champion, which is a nice tribute. If you haven't seen Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, make sure that you do. In my review of this fine documentary for the blog I said it was "full of all kinds of layers and insight into the world of celebrity, women entertainers, groundbreaking comedy, workaholics, and the self-absorbed." Worth your time.

Kenya feels they really nailed it and admits even Brandi did a good job. Aw, I love a good make up. Of course she takes credit for Brandi shaping up, claiming she worked a bit of magic on her. Lol, ladies and gentleman we have another narcissist in our midst. Brandi thinks Kenya did well, but to me that just sounds like Brandi being diplomatic because she's not stupid and has a good feeling they've won so there's no use trashing Kenya right now. This reconciliation is so epic Geraldo suggests sending them to the Middle East. Heh. Leeza however was underwhelmed, she thought Kenya was disorganized. I agree with that and I'm not surprised a journalist would notice that since organization is paramount to the profession. From what we've seen Kenya flutters around blurting out random ideas and then chasing after them full throttle, not really seeming to have a clear plan of attack for the big picture. She also tends to get married to ideas really fast and never lets them go, even bad ones, which is generally not a good thing to do in most business scenarios. You can tell who has taken any kind of business class or read some books and who hasn't, and Kenya hasn't.

Ivanka liked Kenya's "Power up your sole" slogan because it was playful and direct. Vivica's "I am ...." listing various attributes was kind of all over the place. Uh-oh.

Vivica pegs Shawn and Kate as the problem on the team, lol, of course they were. Kate was out doing her usual shopping when Vivica had to change up the concept, and they didn't like that and that caused problems. Wow, did Kate ever go from "Viv, girlfriend!" to Ms. Fox's "lack of leadership and delegation" in two shakes of a sheeple's tail. Although she's heavily coached, I hate to say it she does a good job turning this right back around and making her, and the doofus's next to her, total lack of energy, creativity and overall effectiveness into all Vivica's fault. Well played. Strangely, she does think they won. You know, like, despite the utter idiocy of everybody else on the team but her and doofus. She's such a bitch. And delusional.

Kate explains her contribution to the task was recognizing that Lady Ivanka would never stand for plastic flowers, and going out and getting both plastic and fresh so Vivica had the option of choosing the much better fresh. Baw-hahahaha, Vivica flat out mimics Kate under her breath, mouthing "I got plastic and fresh!" like a Valley Girl would. Haha, Vivica hates her. Why? There's so much more to this we never saw, and that makes me so sad. I wanna see!

Vivica's pissed now. She's like congratulations, resting-bitch-face, you brought us fresh flowers, but this was about the overall package on this task and I brought it, Trump. Ha. Blech, Ivanka begrudgingly has to admit that fake flowers would be a bad choice. I mean, I hate fake flowers but have you seen fake flowers these days? The good ones? I am telling you, you cannot tell the difference. They are amazing. Not your grandma's fake flowers. And an argument could be made that's better than wilting flowers by 3 p.m., I suppose. I can't believe Ivanka thinks fake flowers or real ones are that big of a deal on this task. I would have put money on her saying that had all but about 1% to do with my overall impression of your set-up. Sigh, now Kate's gonna be smug for days 'cause Ivanka backed her up. Doofus, purely by accident, hits a home run yet again.

Wow, Vivica starts crying as she very reluctantly admits that Shawn sucks and should have been PM. I get the sense everyone feels like Shawn is or was America's sweetheart and it feels wrong somehow to call her out for the doofus she is. Like attacking your own daughter or something.

Ivanka loved many things about Vivica's team, including the coffee shop (the one Kate and Shawn hated, in case you forgot), but something about the way she is setting this up tells me there is a big but coming and they lost. Sure enough she says they didn't emphasize the shoes enough. Even Joan chimes in to say the coffee shop idea was brilliant. Ha, suck it, Kate. All that whining over changing things to a coffee shop and turns out it's the one thing the advisers did like, hehe. As for Kenya's team the whole thing was totally off brand, Ivanka's like, stopping in the middle of the day for a foot massage is just strange. Lol, so true. This is interesting, sounds like they both had major flaws. Who will it be? I would have to bet Kenya, since at least she emphasized the brand. And the winner is? Kenya! But it was a hard decision, Ivanka admits. Her charity is Detroit Public Schools. That's a good one.

Oh, brother, back at the suite, Kenya wants to be crowned the greatest contestant of them all and is so overwhelmed she's having an out of body experience, lol. She couldn't be more obnoxious and over the top, but I like that she and Brandi were able to just get along and pull off a win.

Kate tries to pull with Vivica what she pulls on Twitter about her kids, you know telling us what they say and think and such. But this is the boardroom, not Twitter. Kate says something about how things were disorganized and how she had to tell Vivica to use her words. Like what you would say to a three-year-old? Use your words, Krissy baby, so Mommy can help you? Wow, what a patronizing hag. No wonder Vivica looks like she wants to punch her straight in that overly-lipsticked mouth. Kate says Vivica begged her to "rescue" her at one point. Vivica leans toward her like she's not sure she heard Kate right. She finally jumps in: Rescue me? Nope, hag, never said that. Bitch, don't put words in my mouth. She orders Kate to tell the story correctly! Lol! Kate's all stammering now. It's the big girls, Kate. You must have forgotten. Welcome back.

Much like naive is a nice way to call somebody stupid, "energy level" is a nice way to call somebody lazy, and Ivanka says Shawn's energy level just wasn't up to snuff. I never imagined an Olympian would have a problem with laziness on a show like this. It's simply never happened before.

Joan starts saying something and Trump gets bored as he often does when people talk for awhile and interrupts her to talk about how great she looks at her age and what a champ she is. Joan has bling on her finger the size of a new Duggar baby.

Vivica oh so very wisely brings back Kate and Shawn. Has Kate been in every single boardroom on every task her team lost on? Blog historian? I think so! LOL! Weirdo Geraldo says something about how this is just like sausage. Mmm, sausage. Everyone back in the suite says Shawn is toast. Nobody seems to think Kate is in danger.

When we come back, the editors have completely cut out the three women going back into the boardroom while the synthesizer drones on and the piano tinkers the usual ditty of impending firing, and they're already sitting there in front of Trump, which is fine since that is an unnecessary waste of time that I'd rather see spent on showing viewers the task itself.

Ivanka asks Vivica between the two of them, Shawn and Kate, who would be better to keep around, an asset. Lol, Shawn, Vivica says. For the complete dud that Shawn is, even for that wisecrack about menopause toward Vivica, she's still better than Kate. That's great. Only problem with this is that I think Trump is going to give Kate a few free points for having stepped up as PM before, and early. Shawn never has, and that's really bad in this situation. You can't play that game this late in the competition when it gets down to the wire like this if you don't have something else going for you, like Leeza or Lorenzo do. Another problem with never stepping up is you never win any money for your charity and risk going home empty handed. You wouldn't want to leave something like global warming to run amok all because you couldn't man up. You might as well jump into the fire sooner rather than later.

Kate's making so many faces even Trump has to chuckle at her. Oh wow, Vivica is pointing out what we pointed out, that Shawn isn't half bad on her own but gets influenced by some of the ladies. I.e. Kate making her and Jamie her minions. That's so spot on, Vivica. Exactly what I saw.  

Interesting, Shawn explains she is well aware she has taken on sort of the minion role but was just playing a part. She's been well aware what some of these women were using her for all along. I did not expect her to say that. To what end she is playing this role however I don't quite understand. Why is Kate all nodding and mm-hmming when Shawn is explaining that she's basically been playing you this whole time? Lol, what a doofus!! Predictably though, the Trumps don't like that Shawn wasn't ever PM, and like that both Kate and Vivica have won as PM before. They leave out the fact that Kate won because of Brandi and Leeza, but I guess you can't start getting that far entrenched in the history when trying to sort this stuff out. Kate's bobbling away like a maniac trying to back up Shawn but Shawn's so done. By the way is it just me, but I seem to distinctly remember in prior seasons Trump saying definitively he cannot judge you on prior tasks, he can only judge you on what he has before him, on this particular task. So your history of doing great is irrelevant to the one screw-up currently. Unless I'm just making that up, that little rule he had seems to have let completely fall by the wayside since now both Kate and Vivica are getting all this credit for prior performances. Odd.

Due to other circumstances, like for the first time in the history of reality shows an Olympic contestant was lazy, Kate is not fired. Shawn, you're fired. This is so funny. Every time she skates by. Every time. Nine lives I tell ya.

I usually find the car rides home boring but I have to note that in the car ride home Shawn laments how she was only 22 and just getting out in the real world. Again Shawn, please read Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath or really anything by that brilliant man. It's simply not true that you are at some wild disadvantage just because you are young and inexperienced. You were going up against the likes of dolts like Kate and Jonas brother for pity sake. You're an Olympian! You've had more experience with the world, hard work, business and marketing than most 22-year-olds. Get a grip. At least Jonas brother never saw himself so negatively. He actually viewed his youth as an advantage. It's all about how you frame things for yourself. Yes he was fired early but I would rather go out owning it than get knocked out this way in some pathetic little heap. I worry for Shawn. Not just on this show but long term. She's never going to be an Olympic gymnast again, nobody is at her age. What's her life plan now? She needs to stop with the woe is me and get out there in the world, make a way for herself. Surely there are a myriad of ways to combine her professional athlete experience with a career. She's done a bit of sports announcing that went fine, but she strikes me as the type that will never be happy even with somebody else's dream career unless she's back on that balance beam. Shawn, it's over. Until you accept that you will always be this down in the dumps.

Back in the suite, Kate's pouting because she doesn't feel Shawn should have gone. Eh, yes she should have, if not Kate should have gone. Kate's just mad she lost somebody she can beat. Had to happen sometime. Vivica was never even close to being fired on this one, no way is Trump going to fire her when it was that close of a call and the PM really should have been Shawn but Vivica just stepped up because Shawn absolutely refused to take it. Poor schmoops lost both of her minions now and all that's left of the women are Leeza and three gals who hate her. Vivica's worried Kate, who is giving her immature bitch looks the whole time complete with a raised eyebrow of bitchiness, will be an even worse problem than before now that she's so pissed Vivica wasn't fired, which is probably a real fear. When even Geraldo, king of not getting over things, is telling you to get over it, that's bad.

It's the next morning, and, oh, good, crab fisherman will be happy this task is finally about nuts. They're going to make a viral video promoting single serve coffees from a local brand called Chock Full o' Nuts.  Oh no, Celebrity Apprentice "viral videos" are rarely funny, interesting or worthy of going viral. Very cool, they're using GoPros. Trump is a rather sickening shade of yellow this morning.

Woo-hoo Leeza is finally PM, versus the beautiful Lorenzo. What a wonderful showdown! They are both perfect for this and might I say quite evenly matched. Nuts on.

I rarely think of my own ideas for these tasks, I'm not that much of a CA nerd, but I'm thinking since this is a GoPro they should take advantage of its capabilities. Maybe track down an extreme sports athlete, or someone who scales tall buildings without equipment or something, and figure out how to get that in their commercial. Just using a GoPro like a regular camera is uninteresting.

Instead Lorenzo goes in a rather boring direction of having Geraldo do a jingle rap. Geraldo says he's the only one here who drank this brand in the sixties. That's probably because he's the only one here old enough to drink coffee in the 60's. Schmoops here wasn't even born yet. But like everything about him, he just owns it, including his age. Kate suggests she and Vivica be his backup rappers. She's really excited she hit on this fantastic idea. This has the distinct feel of a brainstorming session for your group project on modern writers for 11th grade English class. The one where you did a super amazing and awesome Academy Award winning short film with your best friend's camcorder and a mic borrowed from their dad who used to have big dreams. The kind of video you look back on today and it's just not what you thought it was then, now it's mostly just cute. Kate's contribution to this is just basically like yeah, yeah, this is great, do this, do that! Lol, schmoops, calm down. Lorenzo is like sometimes Geraldo's ideas are great....annnnd, sometimes they're not. Hehe, I love him.

Leeza is predictably fantastic. She's got this all figured out how she will manage the various perosnalities. Ian really is cute. He called me up yesterday and he's like, I still love you. And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know?  Like, we are never getting back together, like ever. Taylor Swift reference for Kate. Hey, why didn't she call up her BFF Taylor to donate? Kenya actually says they have four hours to do all this, is that accurate? That seems an absolutely insane amount of short time to shoot a video. Ian is his usual fruitcake self. You know he's being a fruitcake because the music is lighthearted and silly. Ian's idea is a gorilla climbing a building or something. I think the gorilla is a bit ambitious in four hours what with the permits and all but I think he has it right they have to do something extreme.

Leeza has a decent idea to leverage the skirmish between Kenya and Brandi and make their video about that. I think given the Real Housewives fans out there, that very well might work. It's as good of an idea as any.

Kenya finally explains that their little spat is about some comments Brandi made about her in the press. I don't know what those comments were about but sounds like Brandi being her typical self, blurting away and alienating folks as she goes. In fairness, Kenya makes comments in the press too, like saying that Steve and Kate shared a hotel room during the competition. Not that I have a problem with her doing that, she should say what she likes about a situation she was there for, but it seems kind of hypocritical to be upset at Brandi for what sounds like something similar. 

The idea morphs into something I think is rather good, such that the video is going to show Brandi and Kenya cat fighting, and then show what a guy sees when he sees women going at it like that. Which I assume they mean something a bit more sexual. I can't picture Kate being on this team and having the foggiest grasp of this concept. It would be way too much for her to digest in only four hours. Good thing she's over on Vortex where they're just rapping.

Geraldo is happy to offer his endorsement of this coffee for free when normally he would charge millions for such a thing. He's such a generous man. Kate is off by herself getting her hair done in a June Cleaver style that looks like it's going to take hours. Good place to put her. We all know the pool girls and lawn boys, but did you know there are Ted Gibson girls? One of such girls came to do her hair, Kate explains. We may need to add one of those girls to our staff one of these days, she seems like she would fit right in. Ted Gibson seems like a nice guy for helping Kate out so much like this. Hey, who is going to do Vivica's hair? I thought she was in the video, too.

They finish filming some of the shots they need and now they're waiting on Kate. Just as expected this hair thing is taking forever. Vivica comes over in a similar manner to the shopping incident and is like okay schmoops let's get the show on the road here. Somebody had just said they have to film and edit this whole thing in one day. That's just nuts, chock full of 'em, and doing a whole fancy hair thing like this doesn't seem like the best use of time.  Wow, Kate says people think Vivica is more capable than she actually is because she's always looking busy. Holy projection, batman! She, Kate, of course knows the truth about Vivica. Wow, Kate's a real bitch. I like the sort of alternate universe thing going on here where all the contestants the editors obviously don't mind you really liking end up as people Kate hates, and everybody Kate just loves are real dolts. Hehe.  She's an actress, Kate mutters with scorn, chomping away on her gum. But you're a reality T.V. star! Lol! The way it's edited makes it look like Kate ignores Vivica when she tells her to hurry the hell up and asking her what the holdup is, which is pretty damn rude if that's the case. I have never seen such an utter lack of self-awareness. There's Kate, all relaxed, who can't believe that any of this would make Vivica so stressed out and raring to get this done. Yet that's all Kate does on her Kate Plus 8 show is act like that. Just watch the RV episodes. It's go here, go there, now, faster, if we pull up somewhere you are to disembark from the bus on my count, quick march! No potty breaks, no poopy breaks, no crying for your mommy!

Kate's is usually all stress and drama all the time. How can she not see this? At least Vivica is anxious to get going for charity.

If Kate needed such an elaborate hair and makeup thing, she should have been in the makeup chair at 5 a.m. like every other celebrity in the world. That's because this shit does always take forever so they stick you in there at 5 a.m. Or do a hairstyle that doesn't take so long. Simple.

Leeza and Ian are starting to butt heads a bit, as diplomatic as Leeza always tries to be. Ian thinks he has more experience than anyone, so it's an ego thing. I think his experience and Leeza's could compliment each other quite well but someone like him won't see it that way. Some hotdog scene they are doing staring Ian is taking forever as scenes tend to do when you're channeling Shakespeare. They butt heads some more. Kenya thinks Leeza needs to reel this shark in and get on with it.

Kate is finally done and the hairstyle is cool but hardly worth all the time they spent on it. Lorenzo is nice and says he likes Kate but they wasted a heck of a lot of time on the stupid hair and now he has to cut some shots, thanks to Kate. That sucks. Good job, doofus, another f-up is all thanks to you. Kate wants to do this and that shot but Lorezno, who understands the time thing when it comes to making a film, is like it simply is not possible under these time constraints, we're losing the light, etc., all things somebody who actually knows how to make a film would be realizing. She just got out of hair and makeup and they're already losing light, how long did that Gibson girl spend on this anyway and what time did doofus finally roll out of bed this morning?

I don't understand how the rap got transformed into Lassie without the dog but here they are.

Back at Leeza's team, I like Brandi's glasses, she is one of the few people who looks prettier with glasses than without. Somebody said Brandi has some odd angles and I agree. Catch her at the wrong angle and she looks so strange. I think it's her bone structure. But with the right angle she's really pretty.

Brandi's excited about this, she would love to beat the sh-- out of Kenya. Heh. The fight is, well, odd. They're kind of whipping their heads back and forth like a washing machine. Okay then.

Over on Lorenzo's team they have an hour and fifteen minutes to finish up the shoot. Oh no. Lorenzo scrambles to get their outdoor shots. He is a wonderful director, doing a good job explaining to the "talent" what to do. Oh, here's the rap. Or dance I guess. I get it now, sort of. Geraldo reminds me of Mr. Peanut from Planter's.

Kate more like a little Dutch girl, with apologies to Dutch girls.

They look like they all raided the family Halloween costume box and put on whatever struck a chord, like what we used to do at kids on a boring rainy afternoon. The whole thing is just as odd as the other team's video, but in fairness you can't throw together anything halfway decent under such ridiculous time constraints. These time constraints are over the top even for this show. Nobody is going to turn out anything but garbage under these conditions.

Geraldo is kind of struggling to get the rhythm right. It doesn't come to him as easy as his huge ego does.  For a Latin, I'm surprised, Lorenzo says. Lol. Lorenzo must never be fired.

Lorenzo is not that impressed with crab fisherman, who tries to offer his two cents on some of the shots. Lorenzo thinks all crab fisherman does is put a metal cage in water and pull out crabs from it. I think that was a little harsh from my dear Lorenzo. Fishing the Bering Sea is one of the most dangerous things you can do. And he's not just a line fisherman, he is captain of a boat. That requires an incredible understanding of everything about the weather, the ocean, the huge machine you are at the helm of and all the computers that run it, and so forth. You are also responsible for the lives of those men, and those boats can and do go down and crews are killed if you don't understand what to do in an emergency or even if you do. And at least crab fisherman doesn't exploit any kids and if his reality T.V. series ended today and never came back, he'd still have his normal job and could just go back to normal life. I don't know, I think it's fair to say crab fisherman is probably a bit too quiet on this show and doesn't take the lead enough to see what he's capable of, but I would never, ever insult the work that he does on his boat like I freely make fun of Kate's silly "job" being a reality T.V. mom and D-lister. I still love you though, Lorenzo. I think crab fisherman has his first good point of the whole series other than his comments some time back about what a dolt Kate was. He says they use GoPros left and right on his show, he knows what he is doing with GoPros, and it really gives it a nice viral look. He is right and I said this from the beginning. They should use these GoPros the way they were intended. I don't know what that is, that's for them to figure out.

They are using the GoPros, both teams, like just a regular camera. The problem is this camera isn't designed for that. Use your iPhone camera if you want to just make a regular video. Look at some of the footage they have shown us so far. See how it looks so fish eye? That's because GoPros are a fisheye lens, made that way on purpose because that is the lens you usually want for sweeping, grand shots, a sense of scale, and intense movement. When you use fish eye just for regular shots it looks like something is wrong with your camera, either that or your nose is too big.

Leeza's team is filming the sexy part of the shoot. Brandi and Kenya roll around in a hotel bed while Johnny watches. Wow, I nearly forgot about Johnny. Yikes, I feel like he hasn't said a word in like three episodes. These tight edits can be hard on somebody quiet like him. I never got the lesbian thing for guys but I can sort of try to imagine why men might find this little scenario quite "interesting." I think Leeza is right that this isn't so racy the executives are going to be horrified. She is hopeful they struck a good balance.

Seeing Leeza up close I don't think she's had that much extensive work done, other than on her lips, which aren't even that bad. I'm not counting the odd nip and tuck, bit of botox, filler, here and there. For some reason her eyes get all squinty when she's out and about which gives the illusion she's had more surgery than I think she really has. When she interviews and is relaxed, they don't look like that at all.

Leeza's team is in the editing room and Ian's tackling their edit. It's stressful and taking forever. He doesn't want to hear from anybody else. Brandi thinks they're not branding enough. Ian is getting annoyed and kind of flips out on her. He just wants her to shush. I do wish Leeza would step up here and insist he knock it off.

I-an's name make sense because it's all about "I" to him, Brandi gripes.

Lorenzo takes on the edit for his team. He knows what he's doing here. Do Geraldo and Kate know they can take off their costumes now? Shoot's over. Surprisingly their little rap dance didn't turn out half bad when all is said and done. Lorenzo is such a nice guy and praises the whole team, even Kate.

Time to show the videos to the executives. Leeza's video turned out as they envisioned it. Johnny and Ian watch Brandi and Kenya have a bitch fight in the street, and soon they start seeing them doing sexy wrestling in the bedroom. Then they all enjoy coffee together in bed. This is actually really good for the time constraints, one of the best videos I've seen on Celebrity Apprentice. There is an added layer of goodness to it because Brandi and Kenya have a real life feud that many fans know about. I'm definitely surprised how well it turned out.

Lorenzo's video features Kate and Geraldo doing a retro breakfast with coffee and singing his jingle. Kate can sing on tune, wow I had no idea. They really highlight the branding so much better than the other team, but I think the last half of their video with the dancing in the streets is ultimately sort of pointless. Because the other team's video had a cohesive storyline that was funny and interesting, I think they will win despite maybe falling down about the branding.

Final boardroom of the night!

Trump's feeling especially bored tonight and can't even bother with complete sentences. Weak link, who?! he demands. Hehe. Brandi says Leeza has basically been defacto PM on every task, she's great. Leeza said they spun the feud between Brandi and Kenya into gold. Like Geraldo, this is just what successful people do.

Trump likes her form and presentation. Well, she has an Emmy. This sends Trump on a rant about how he cannot believe he lost when he was up for an Emmy. He walked out. Lol.

Kate starts puttering around about who is the weakest player and takes so long to say something Trump gets bored and moves on to ask Vivica. Well, Kate, of course, Vivica says. Kate lets out her usual sigh of shock and dismay. Vivica's like what? The damn hair took too long. Lol, she hates her. Hates her. I wonder if Kate came into this competition expecting no one to ever throw her under the bus. It's going to happen to almost everyone, why does she think she's above it?

Kenya was mad that during the filming Brandi kept making snide comments to her. Either I don't remember that or it was cut out or it didn't happen. Of course she gets in some backhanded slams at Brandi about how her husband left her for somebody younger and prettier. I really don't think LeeAnn is all that prettier and she can't be that much younger. Brandi and Kenya are both a piece of work.

Lorenzo's video had good branding but it was more like a commercial and not a viral video. As for Leeza's video it really nailed the "viral" aspect of it but the branding wasn't heavy enough, they missed the single serve coffee, but it wasn't even close Leeza's team wins it. I agree, it was a much better video. I'm not surprised Leeza has her own charity called Leeza's Care Connection. I know all about this from back in the day when my old employer was a friend of hers. If I'm not mistaken said employer went to an event or two about it. It's to support caregivers for the ailing, which hits home for me since my family is caring for my dad with Alzheimer's. Leeza too has a parent with Alzheimer's.

Vivica thought the other team's video was too racy. It's pointless to go on about the other team, they won. Vivica would fire Kate because they didn't get the shots they needed because Kate's stupid hair took forever. That hair was dumb. Nobody cares about the hair, it wouldn't have helped them win. Their weak story and concept was why they lost, not the hair. Kate says she is always focused on the details because the devil is in the details but that's just not the case usually. The devil is not in the details. It's not in the hair, the flowers, the heart-shaped cutting boards or the note taking. The devil is in the overall big picture. I cannot believe she is still sitting there with this sort of stupid viewpoint on the competition.

Sigh, it's always me, Kate says. Yeah, ever wonder why you're always the common denominator? I really can't stand the sort of "they always pick on me, I'm bullied" tone in her statement. Much like how she tries to paint the "haters" as just one day they all started to pick on little ole me, she is doing that here with Vivica. Just one day, out of the blue, Vivica decided she hates me! I don't get it, Mr. Trump! Little tear. Bitch, please. Kate is still trying to say that Vivica just appears busy but isn't doing actual work. Projection just dropped an anvil on Kate's head. Vivica is just sort of smiling in disbelief.  Kate says in life Kate either does it or kills it. Well that's true, most things she tries she sucks at and they bite the dust in short order.

She moves stealth-like. Lol, what incredible spin. Stealth-like, lol. Edward Kenway is stealth-like. Not Kate.

I think Kate must have meant sloth-like. Malaprop.

Oh, now Kate wants Lorenzo fired. She was all about their concept, cheering and woo-hooing the whole time. Now the concept is shit? And yet she says ultimately Vivica should not be fired. Huh? Then what was the point of all that ranting but to drive a further wedge between them making it impossible to work with her on future tasks? What a doofus.

Poor Lorenzo is having the worst time trying to decide who will he bring back. He feels everyone pulled their weight. No they didn't! What?! Everyone in the suite is like no, Lo, don't do it. Bring somebody back! Anybody!

But Lorenzo has too much honor. He was PM, and he must bear full responsibility for the team. No, Captain, abandon ship, abandon ship! Jump now while you can! There's still time!

Here we go again!!! Due to some other circumstance, a celebrity just not willing to bring anybody back even terrible players, because their incredible honor and moral code commands them to fall on the sword if they were the leader even if a complete dolt is on their team, Kate isn't fired. If Kate had any honor, she would own their time constraints as being all her fault due to her hair, and suggest perhaps she should take the blame. But that will never happen.

Lorenzo, you're fired. Sob!!!! How is Kate still here????

Back in the boardroom the Trumps still can't get over Kenya making that snide remark to Brandi about the younger and beautiful woman. Lol, too funny. None of all this drama that just happened interests them as much as that bitch fight. Even the Trumps can't resist a good Housewife feud. Guess it can suck anyone in.

Aw, a nice little "In Memory of" thing to Joan at the end. Rest in peace, Joan Rivers.