Before kicking off the final episodes of
The Celebrity Apprentice, they treat us to a little clip show featuring, in short, their most "OMG!" moments
. I could just skip this. But since watching this show is such a delicious guilty pleasure and these top moments helped make it so, it deserves a recap.
You would think
Celebrity Apprentice is I-an what with how impressed they are with how wonderfully amazing they have been over the years. Look at all the celebrities, look at all the drama, look at all the crazy. Look at....
Gary Busey. Just a warning, people like Gary Busey make the likes of Kate look like Dorothy Gale. Trump has never hesitated to put the true mentally ill on his cast, and predictably, antics always ensue.
We start with the top five feuds, and first up is none other than Geraldo getting into it with that chump of a Jonas brother Kevin. Lol, that was a good one indeed. Geraldo is ranting to Jonas about something or other and Jonas tells him there is a "five-second rule," you should wait five seconds before jumping into a conversation you just walked into. I thought the "five-second rule" is for when you drop your pizza, I think he's mixing this up. In any case, Geraldo feels lectured at, and storms out of the room still ranting and cursing. Hehe.
Next up, Nene, who surprisingly, I rather liked, and that idiot tool Star Jones. When Star Jones tried to tell Nene that Nene was going to be PM, Nene flipped out on her, accusing her of "playing her." Haha, I'd forgotten about Ivanka's face, which is basically like "ehhhh!"
At number three is Latoya Jackson and Omarosa, the original
Apprentice villain and proof positive
even the White House can make a hiring mistake. Things were going along just like a normal fight when Latoya made the fatal error of telling Omarosa to be quiet. Latoya's voice sounds the way I think a Precious Moments figurine's voice would sound. If they could speak.
I think what really made the fight so good was fellow contestant Lil John's commentary on it, explaining that when a black woman cocks her head to the side and puts her hand on her hip, which both women did almost simultaneously, you know there's trouble. Hehe.
Number two is Meatloaf vs. Garey Busey. I vividly remember this fight, and as I recall it was more frightening than funny, with Meatloaf about to burst a ventricle over this. The fight was over who moved my cheese, by the way. Or art supplies. Ultimately Meatloaf shed some man tears and the two hugged it out.
The number one fight was Omarosa again, this time versus Piers Morgan. When Piers said if Omarosa worked at the White House she must have been a cleaner, Omarosa walked over to him and calmly dumped an entire glass of champagne on his head. Hey, I have all the respect in the world for those who clean that particular house, that looks like hard work. The feud continued over the course of the season and even beyond, with Omarosa taking pot shots at his kids and making "your mama" jokes, and Piers calling her a tramp and making some snide remark about her natural habitat. Oy vey.
You know for all its trashiness, I don't think this is the worst reality show an older kid could watch. At least if your child watches one of these trashy feuds, you can say, now what do you think Jonas brother could do differently to collaborate with Geraldo? Or was Omarosa's reaction helpful or not helpful? Surprisingly, there's some lessons in teamwork to be found here. There's not much sex on this show or at least when there is it's all innuendo, and all of the swearing is bleeped out. Plus, consequences are shown for outrageous behavior. As in it often gets you fired, like Kenya. Those who keep it together, like Leeza, do well. It's one of those shows where the villain ultimately never wins, and that's good.
Next, we're going to look at some of Trump's favorite "fails." Hehe, hashtag failing!
Number four is our very own Kenya and her stupid King's Hawaiian buns on your buns campaign. The baby aspect of their campaign was super creepy and creeped out all the executives. While that was a really bad idea, I'm kind of surprised it made the top four. I know I've seen much worse on this show.
Number three deserves its spot. It's when Dennis Rodman signed off on misspelling Trump's wife's name, Melania, on all their graphics for a perfume campaign. He had it as Milania. Poor Brande Roderick had to present the screwed-up graphics to the panel, which included Melania herself. Funny how Brande acted like nothing was wrong nothing to see here, folks, yet you could practically watch the little bead of sweat dripping down her temple. I like the little "what-what???" double take Melania did when she saw the error, lol. Dennis must be joking trying not to get fired in this situation, not with Melania's husband in charge of who goes. He was toast from the moment he approved that little "i."
Number two is Clint Black's totally disgusting idea for a laundry detergent commercial. His video makes the suggestion that two parents would use the product as lube during sex. It's sort of a long story to get there that you don't need to know. Even Joan Rivers, who would not hesitate to make fun of pretty much anything,
like even the deaf, thought the whole thing was "a disgrace." When Joan Rivers thinks you've gone too far, guess what, you've gone too far. Clint starred in the video, too. Ewww. The executives thought it was almost like porn, yuck. Which, it totally was.
The number one fail was Gary Busey's mechanical dog idea for an LG campaign, culminating in him barking at Trump in the boardroom. The biggest problem with this was it simply didn't make any sense. "I don't understand," poor Penn Jillette said, unable to control his giggles. Penn and Lisa Rinna, who are much smarter than the average contestant, tried their best to salvage this clusterfuck, but there was no turning back.
By the way introducing all these segments is Trump himself, looking less orange than usual, sitting on that silly leather red throne.
Next are the top four earners on this show. Ian vs. Geraldo collectively raised $600,000 on a wedding dress challenge. Ian lost by only $2,000, and because Braveheart and Mr. Peanut are gentlemen, they agreed to split the cash.
Out of the blue, Paul Teutul Sr.'s team raised over $332,000 selling sandwiches, with over $304,000 coming from Paul himself. Total dark horse. Paul gave the money to Make-a-Wish, and simultaneously put other reality stars to shame, proving even a D-lister can fundraise.
Number two is Trace Adkins's radical, though rather brilliant, idea to close their meatball shop to the general public and
only open it to their big check donors. It makes so much sense I'm shocked no one else has done it since, although Geraldo has come close on his fundraising tasks. Don't waste anyone's time trying to schmooze and serve the general public, who may only bring in a few hundred dollars each tops. Everyone's efforts should be on working the phones and chasing down the high rollers. If the same amount of effort (or in some cases, less) is needed to collect $10,000 versus $100, it makes perfect sense to completely forget the $100's and only expend effort on the $10,000's. The plan worked, and over $400,000 was raised for the American Red Cross.
By the way, that's what Brandi was trying to say when she complained about Kate spending so much energy schmoozing the general public at their pie shop. It doesn't help anything. In fact, it's a complete waste of time. The task was not to create the best pie shop restaurant, in which case what she did would be beneficial. The task was raise money, period. Unfortunately Kate skated by again that time, but Trace just proved that Brandi was spot owwwn. This was back in the days of two-hour episodes where they had time to actually show Trace presenting the check to the Red Cross right in the field, which was nice.
Number one is John Rich and my all-time favorite contestant of all, Marlee Matlin! For those who like to brush this show off as just a bunch of D-listers, stop right there. Yes, there are plenty of D listers filling in the gaps, but Trump's managed to book some real legends like Marlee, a brilliant actress and Oscar winner. Without a doubt Marlee is one of the greatest actresses of our generation, and certainly the greatest deaf actress there probably ever was. There are A-list celebs like Marlee out there who are not above doing this because it's for charity, any publicity is good publicity, and their ego isn't so inflated that they care about showing their face on a dumb T.V. show. (You can tell some people on this show are mortified they had to resort to this.) Not only was Marlee sharp as a tack, but she was downright hysterical too, full of one-liners and zingers about her fellow contestants or the situations she found herself in, all delivered through her trusty interpreter and business partner, Jack Jason. As Stephen Hawking has an American accent that just seems to fit him, so too does Jack's clearly masculine voice somehow fit Marlee like a glove.
Apparently, Marlee has been known to tell people, through Jack of course, that she can hear on Tuesdays. You know, just because she feels like messing with them. And who could forget
her brilliant guest appearance on Seinfeld, in which George and Jerry ask her to use her talent for lip reading to spy on George's ex. "Sure, I'll do it!" Lol. For a deaf woman to have such a firm grasp of comedic timing without ever having "heard" a comedian deliver a joke, is really astounding.
Also, her face when that idiot Star Jones tried to whisper over her shoulder to her? Lol.
Rich proved he is a celeb who is sincerely interested in their charity by inviting a St. Jude patient to stop by. Little Collin was cute as a button. Together, Rich and Marlee raised 1.6 million dollars, with Marlee edging him out raising almost a million. With that, she became the celebrity who holds the record as most money ever raised by a celebrity in one sitting not just on this show, but any show. A lot of deaf children have state of the art hearing aids thanks to her. And that's a television legacy worth putting in the history books.
Next up is the top five boardroom backstabs, hehe.
Naturally Joan Rivers's epic duel with Annie Duke is on the list at number five. Joan's insults were colorful as usual, stuff like, "this woman will spit and drown her mother in it" to get ahead. Heh. When Trump suggested Annie is nice, Joan retorted, "so was Hitler." Yipe! They don't show the best part of this feud that happened some time later,
when Melissa eventually gets fired instead of Annie, and hobbles around in her walker boot because I guess she broke her ankle at some point, ranting and raving things like "whore" and such. Then Joan grabs her fur coat and gigantic purse and storms out in some kind of furious Mama bear rage. Joan Rivers had actually transformed into Rose Hovick right then. Good ole Joan, thanks for the best guilty pleasure cat fight ever and may you rest in peace.
Number four is Vincent Pastore vs. Piers Morgan. Wow, Piers is showing up a lot on these lists. I think he's quite good at getting under peoples' skin. He knows exactly what he's doing. Vincent was very upset that Piers made him spy on the women's team. It insulted his honor I suppose. And also it didn't help that Piers called him a fat Italian. This all ended with Vincent practically threatening to see to it Piers was offed, and I don't mean just off the show. I mean
offed-offed. Well, that was a bit scary. I'd hate to see Piers have to be skirted away to Norway or something for his own protection!
Number three, Richard Hatch vs. David Cassidy. Well that alone is quite funny. I hope no one breaks a nail. It's a little confusing what this was about, but Richard says something about how he has been accused of picking on little people. What? Lol! That sends Nene, Lisa Rinna, and the rest of the women's team into absolute hysterics. Little people, lol! Hehe, that
was funny. I think Richard meant picking on people more vulnerable, but little people is so synonymous with dwarfism these days I think that's the first thing most people think. Even Marlee can't help giggling. In other news, it's crazy how much that "I just wanna fly" guy Mark McGrath looks like Ethan Hawke. I bet he gets confused for him a lot in public, which I imagine is a blow to the ego.
Number two is from Kate's season, Kenya vs. Vivica. Yeah, that deserves a spot. Cell phone-gate, of course. Kenya took, sorry
stole, Vivica's phone, tweeted about menopause, and then tried to pretend she had nothing to do with it. It took Vivica way too long to figure this out, especially given, you know,
her phone was missing. When she finally solved the oh-so-complicated puzzle, boy was she ticked off at that "dirty-ass bitch" and "low-down dirty bird." Hehe, I guess Vivica really thinks Kenya needs a bath. Hard to imagine what will top this one, but here it is.
Piers Morgan vs. Omarosa again, of course. Omarosa said he was a terrible father, and Piers said she was trash. That fight was low I guess, but not nearly as interesting as say Rose Hovick vs. the Queen of Hearts or Vincent threatening to stick Whitey Bulger on Piers. Wow, Carol Alt is sheer elegance. I don't even think she's had much work done. She looks so out of place among these doofuses. Or doofi. She looks like how I imagine Duchess Kate will look at her age. You know, keeping it classy.
All these clips make me want to rewatch some of these seasons. I haven't seen them since they aired and some of them were so good!
Trump tries to explain he hates firing people. Please Trump, you love it. This show found its success on the "you're fired" tag line, remember when that was as popular as "hashtag winning!"?
The top five most memorable firings are:
Number five, firing that doofus Kevin Jonas. He made the absolutely suicidal choice of bringing a strong player into the boardroom, I-an, instead of who he should have brought back, the weaker Lorenzo. Except he made a huge mistake in assuming he was as strong as Ian. Oopsie. I guess this would have been an amazing strategic power play had he actually pulled it off, but since he didn't, it's nothing but a flat whoopee cushion. This cherry-cheeked little doughboy couldn't have a bigger ego, and actually thought he could out-think Trump. You're fired!
Number four is what I consider an absolutely classic
Apprentice firing. If you don't know why
Celebrity Apprentice is the best bad show on television, this is the clip to watch. It's amazing how far Ivanka has come in just a few short years. What the hell is Ivanka rocking here? She's got her hair parted in these weird chunks on either side of her head, huge rectangle white earrings that look more like that missing piece to your blinds you've been looking for that fell behind the desk, and some sort of cape-like dark purple regal kind of ensemble. She's so much classier now, much simpler yet stylish. Girls, there is such a big difference in our styles between 25 and 30, can I get an Amen? Conversely, Trump looked much better back then, his hair a sort of brown shade the color a human might actually be able to grow on their own in the natural world. Anyway, the crux of this is Trump practically told Gene Simmons who to bring back into the boardroom so that he could fire someone other than Gene, who for some odd reason Trump loves. Trump always loves the strangest people. But since Gene is Gene, instead he brought back two people who did nothing wrong on the task. Trump was so annoyed at the way Gene tied Trump's hands, you would think his eyes were going to squint right out of his head. Gene, I have no choice, you're fired.
The number three firing is kind of sad, in which Dennis Rodman admits he has a drinking problem which seems to be interfering with the game. The other contestants were rather supportive, which was nice. Hey, an Ed Hardy hat! Those were the days. Trump says Dennis let him down and lets him go. I quite like how Trump handled that situation, because I think it's usually better for addicts to hear that you really screwed up and I'm disappointed, as opposed to things like "I don't mind, don't worry, it's going to be okay."
Lol, number two is Ian's firing. Trump's reaction to his jingle was so funny just because it had to have been everyone's reaction at home too. Wtf, that's La Cucaracha! Lol. Ian gaslights so hard that you can smell it. I still laugh when Eric tells his dad yes Dad you're right, and Trump just replies, "Good son." You're fired!
Oh, number one is Melissa getting fired instead of Annie Duke, and hobbling around in her boot while Mom storms out behind her. No wonder they didn't include this epic clip earlier, that explains it. They were saving it for now! At one point there is so much cursing/bleeping going on all I can make out is ----- lying ----- horse------. They think that you're through, baby, but you'll be swell! In honor of Rose Hovick here,
I give you the greatest stage mother of them all, Rosalind Russell as Rose singing "Everything's Coming up Roses."
Finally we do an overview of the winners, which are Piers Morgan, who was a high roller with no shame whose tactics were pretty aggressive. That's generally a sure way to get to the end on this show. The next winner was Joan Rivers. She didn't quit for good after all, she came back with an incredible focus and drive and used her wits and experience in all things showbiz to beat out her nemesis Annie Duke. I think Joan Rivers is just a classic example of how you don't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, or the smartest, or the tallest, or the most stylish. But, you do need to be the hardest working if you don't have that. Fill up your calendar all day every day with work. And if you work damn hard at it, I mean writing-down-and-cataloguing-every-single-joke-you-ever-thought-of hard, you can get good at anything. In fact, better than everyone else eventually when it all shakes out.
Malcolm Gladwell agrees.
Brett Michaels was the next winner. He was a bit softer spoken than most other winners, but he was darn determined. He beat Holly Robinson Peete, who is as sharp as they come. Apparently, she's a gem. I know one of her son's teachers, and she says Holly once invited the entire class all over to their mansion for a pool party, teachers and all. They're good people.
John Rich was the next winner. I was disappointed Marlee Matlin didn't win, but there's no denying that John was a tough, smart, work horse type player. It was quite possibly the hardest choice Trump ever had to make, given John and Marlee were easily the best players to ever, ever grace this show then and now. But for John on that season, it would have been Marlee.
Arsenio Hall won his season next, which I was pleased with for the simple fact that I didn't really like Clay Aiken that much. As I recall, Clay was very patronizing and not as good as he thought he was.
Trace Atkins won next, another softer-spoken winner but work horse and good fundraiser. He was willing to try some pretty risky ideas, and they paid off. He played the game to win, which is generally how you win, wouldn't you know it. See, good guy always wins.
We're finally up to this current season, here we go! Last time on
Celebrity Apprentice, Ian's nuttiness finally caught up, and their jingle absolutely sucked. Leeza and Vivica came up with a much better jingle, with a few lines from Geraldo that actually worked, the executives couldn't even find anything wrong with their jingle, and Team Vortex finally wins after five straight losses.
Trump fired the entire other team, Brandi, Ian and Johnny, which was bullshit, but I'm over it.
Vivica, Leeza and Geraldo are waiting in the suite to find out who got fired, and nobody is coming back. Leeza says it's been hours now. I completely forgot about the fact that if everybody gets fired, no one will come back to tell them what happened. So they're sitting here thinking this must be the most agonizing decision of Trump's life, hehe! I guess a producer will have to tell them at some point.
Finally the phone rings. Leeza approaches it like she's about to dismantle a bomb, lol, she's so scared. "Team Vortex?" she says as she picks it up. Hehe, that's just adorable. If you're going to play this game, you might as well just get into it.
Trump's receptionist says he wants them in the boardroom. "At least it's not Vladimir Putin," Geraldo says. Heh, current events jokes. Welcome to the nerds club.
Poor things, they must be wondering if he's going to fire them too or something. They all seem pretty happy the other team got offed, which surprises me. I thought they all liked Brandi and Johnny and would at least miss them.
Trump puts them on the spot right there and then and says he's going to pick the final two now, and starts asking them questions like why they should be the next Apprentice. So in essence, four people will get fired in one sitting. I have a feeling this has far more to do with Trump being ordered by NBC to tighten up this season so they can streamline it into just a few short weeks, rather than Trump seriously wanting to off four people at once. A mass firing is a quick and easy way to cut things down without any fuss, done.
Can I just say that I
hate this aspect of reality shows when it happens? You know, the
interview. It's like watching a senior in college meet the boss for the first time at a real job. It's always so awkward and amateur. British Apprentice devotes an entire episode to the interview each season, and it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. Something awful or awkward always happens, always. Even if someone can interview well, they're so darn nervous and put on the spot it never ends well. I don't think I've ever seen a single interview under these circumstances go well.
Vivica says lame stuff like she has more to learn from Trump, and since Geraldo and Leeza are the smartest on this cast, they very slyly team up against Vivica to try to get her fired. Very sharp to team up after the weaker player.
Then Vivica does something completely nuts and says that Leeza is a better player than her, she can't lie. What is with this season? I've never seen so many contestants fall on the sword for each other, from Lorenzo to Brandi to now Vivica. There was clearly some kind of bizarre and intense bonding going on in the suites during production, with some of these people absolutely adamant they've come out of it friends for life. I've never seen anything like it on this show.
Even Leeza looks shocked and is like, what, no, don't do it!
Trump seems to accept Vivica's letter of resignation and even sort of respects her for it, and fires her. Sigh, I don't get that. There is so much more money to potentially win for your charity. It's one thing to quit when Lorenzo did, but you made it to the top three! Why quit now? That's crazy. I definitely put the odds that this was completely set up and scripted as just a quick way to get rid of Vivica, at about 60-40. It's that blatantly scripted. It's so hard to imagine Vivica doing that out of the blue, especially when she had no idea two minutes ago why they were even in the boardroom in the first place. She just thought of this as she was sitting there? Odd. Even if she truly did just decide to do this, this should not be something you decide in two minutes. It's too big of a decision to quit, and too much is at stake for your charity. She didn't think about this carefully, there's no way she did, and for that she disappoints.
For the final task Trump is sending them to Florida on his private jet (ha-ha, suck it, Kate) to make a commercial about Univeral. Okay, I am now convinced Geraldo thinks autistic is pronounced "artistic." He's said it that way about five times now. Malaprop confirmed. What a doofus.
Note that Trump said they should invite
all of their celebrity friends. All! Aw, think somebody will invite Doofus?
Trump says the money raised is just going to be one factor, he will judge them on a bunch of other things too. I like that so much, it's so much more fair. Being a good fundraiser is a nice skill but an Apprentice should be much more well-rounded than that. Plus Leeza is screwed if it's only about money, and perhaps this was set up from the get-go for her to win, so they can't have that.
Leeza and Geraldo have sort of a journalist's code going on between them. Leeza emphasizes that they've known each other forever, which doesn't surprise me. They may both report on a lot of entertainment news and pop culture and perhaps aren't taken that seriously, but they are both among the pioneers of modern television journalism, and that's a small world. This is a gentleman's duel to them, and even if you end up shot you will still shake your opponent's hand and say good fight. Since when did this show get so darn civil?
All right, I'll allow myself to be "just jelluz" of this jet. Airplanes have become such disgusting cattle cars these days, how nice it must be to be the only two passengers on your own little shuttle. Leeza and Geraldo board and set off in style to Orlando. I find Geraldo's mustache really gross up close. It looks like a brillo pad. Ew, stop twisting it.
Geraldo seems to think his charity is the only one to have the idea of getting the mentally disabled out of institutions. He acts like everybody else must stay in a giant 800-bed hospital in the polluted part of town. That's not the case at all, not in 2015. There are group homes everywhere now. In certain communities like mine where zoning allows for it, you can find one on every corner and they often just look like someone's house. And in fact many autistic people live at home with family. I don't think it's that he doesn't realize this, or is deliberately lying. I think it's that he is one of those who just says things and lives his own truth without really being concerned with whether it's really factual or not. He's rather like a politician, actually. Only what is he running for? To be "the best," I suppose.
Woo-hoo, some of the fired contestants are back to help and it's not Kate, baw-hahhaha! I absolutely love that Kate is not included in this. Brandi, Johnny and Jonas brother will be on Leeza's team. Of course Jonas brother feels he has so much more to show and give. Well, we've definitely seen all sides of that silly little ego of his, I wonder what else he could possibly have in there.
Leeza has a good idea to do a "memories" theme, which ties in nicely with her Alzheimer's charity. She is going to try to get Olivia Newton John to come sing for her. Okay, Olivia Newton John is totally in the same group of friends I know who know Leeza. See, they really are true friends, and have been so for decades. I never met Olivia or Leeza, but I heard so much about them I felt like I had. Olivia was the type who preferred to have people over at her house instead of going to somebody else's, so people were always flocking over there. Of course since I was mostly friends with the "kids" in this family not the adults, us kids would end up staying behind while the old folks had all the fun off with the celebs. Olivia's daughter who is my age was trying to build her own music career. Some of my college friends who had videography experience helped her out with making some music videos and things like that. Chloe was a nice girl, I don't think she ever made it though like she wanted to. Like many children of celebrities, she doesn't have that same unexplainable spark her mom does. She is pretty and talented, but so are lots of people. It takes something more than that. It is tough to be in the shadow of someone like Olivia. Anyway, my two degrees of separation to Leeza is turning out to be good fun.
I guess the only worry I would have here is that Olivia Newton John, as nice of a woman she is, is kind of dated. I'm not even sure many younger folks know who she is. I don't know if she has the kind of broad appeal that would attract a broad audience. Leeza admits Olivia is a friend but doesn't disclose that Olivia is one of her
best friends, nor does she have to disclose that, but I know that in fact she is, and I wonder if that is coloring her judgement.
Ian, Vivica and Lorenzo will be on Geraldo's team. Haha, that's
two contestants fired before Kate who are back to help, Lorenzo and Jonas brother. Where is Doofus? How do the sheeple explain this oversight?
In the past, celebs have picked from a selection of former contestants, schoolyard style. I really wanted to see Kate have to stand there and not be picked and hobble herself home empty handed in coach. But I suppose it's just as much fun to imagine the producers not even giving her the phone call to show up for the pick in the first place. I wonder how long she waited by the phone for that call to never come like she does when the kids go to Jon's.
Geraldo is not so happy to have Lorenzo and Ian on his team since he didn't really get along with either of them. Ian says look, he was trying to get Geraldo out of this game since day one, but it didn't work out. That doesn't mean he's not going to work darn hard for him. That's how a mature adult handles such a situation, of course. That's a big reason why Kate flew under the radar for so long, because better players like Ian were much more worried about the big fish.
I do have to say Leeza has the much stronger team when it comes to brainstorming ideas. Geraldo's ideas are always lame, and they already sound lame here, with Geraldo acting as a reporter who leads the kids into the Harry Potter thing. He will even dress up as Harry. Geriatric Harry I guess? Oh, yeah, kids will love to follow after a creepy old Harry Potter growing an ill-advised mustache. Geez, Geraldo, think.
Back to Leeza's team, and they're hashing out their good ideas. Leeza is so much better than anyone else on this season's show it's embarrassing. She fits right in with the likes of Marlee and John. She's using buzzwords like axis point and hook that smart people realize is important to hit on in a project like this. This is about more than just putting together a video. It's about understanding what makes a commercial work, and then executing that. Leeza gets that. Few other doofuses on this show would.
Jonas has a rather great idea of an over-scheduled Dad who finally learns to relax at Universal. It's simple and I'm pretty sure it's been done before, but it's completely effective. They meet with the executives who are going to let them film in the park.
Ian is extremely proud of himself for coming up with questions that Leeza's team didn't think of to ask the executives. Lol, he's a trip. Geraldo's ideas have to do with "inner hero" as a theme, buzzwords the executives actually used. Not bad either.
I'm shallow and notice Jonas brother is so pale and doughy just walking around, I wish he would just pick one and either grow a beard or shave it off, and his style is just downright dowdy with lots of sweaters and patterned pastel shirts. I can see him maturing into a completely ugly 35-year-old man and terrible dresser. And, he's proven to be a tool. The kids these days could do so much better.
I guess they are scouting a bit at a pool and Leeza's friend calls in with a big donation which excites her greatly. Wow, there are a fuckety-million (shoutout to Tucker!) fans everywhere staring and taking photos. I guess it's not every day you were just going to get on the Tilt-a-Whirl and you bumped into Leeza Gibbons and a Jonas brother instead.
Tee-hee, Brandi and Johnny play hooky to go get some beer and hot dogs. I love them. Jonas thinks he needs to get a leash for them like his parents did to him. His parents
put him on a leash? That explains a lot.
What's next, they killed his pet bunnies too? Geez. Leeza's kind of like whatever let's not worry about where they are. Because let's be honest Leeza is running this show and whether anyone else shows up to the party doesn't really concern her that much. I mean she appreciates the help but she could run it on her own too, so it doesn't matter to her. I find it interesting to see how differently Leeza and Jonas brother reacted to two teammates gone missing. Leeza doesn't let something like that distract her for a second. Certainly throughout her career lots of people have not been up to snuff but if she spent all her time worrying about them it would only hurt herself, and she's smart enough to know it. On the other hand, Jonas brother is young, naive, dumb, and a stickler for the rules. He is very concerned with others, what they're up to, and the kind of weight they are pulling, so hot dog and beer-gate bothers him so much more and holds him back from doing what he needs to do. I think it's obvious which approach is more successful.
Haha, Brandi and Johnny are actually in fact doing absolutely nothing, just chit-chatting and drinking. I wonder what led up to this. Were they just like, "Eehhh, I'm bored, you? It's not like we're getting fired so, fuck it, right? Hot dog?" Lol, so great.
Geraldo seems much more concerned with the selling/donation part of this task in which they have to sell vacation packages. This is kind of bad because Ian has already tapped most of his donors for ridiculous amounts, and Lorenzo and Vivica aren't going to be much help.
I think Geraldo would look so much better if he just cut about two inches off his hair. He's just so shaggy and it's not attractive. Geraldo goes back to his old standbys at Fox and such and seems to be making a bit of headway.
Over at Leeza's team, Brandi and Johnny have full bellies and are perhaps slightly tipsy but ready to work. Leeza is explaining that she is going to send them back to the park for something or other. Oh nice, they could go for hot dog number two. Lol, speaking of food, there's a huge half-eaten hamburger and fries in front of Brandi and Johnny, too. Taking a page from Kate there I see, hehe. You can tell how much more relaxed Brandi is now that she has nothing on the line. She's more like how she is on her housewife show, just sort of floating along kind of a hot mess. Apparently she really thrives when something is at stake. Not so much when all there is to do is eat the free food, get filmed doing so, and lend a hand if you can.
Leeza taps some of her previous donors and scores another big donation.
Brandi says she has never met a kinder person who never once has not given 100%. That is so lovely to hear. Leeza is exactly the sort of celebrity who benefits astronomically from a stint on this show in terms of their good will and image. People who know her know she is the greatest and they've told other people like me how cool she is, but news doesn't travel far in this case and other than that small group I don't think anyone else really had a clue who Leeza is other than that she can explain the entertainment news of the day to you in an orderly fashion. Now thanks to this show, millions know her as one of the nicest, kindest, most genuine celebrities there ever was. It has been nothing but good for her.
Conversely, Jonas brother is clearly a fool, and there is no way I would have realized that before this show or even thought much on him. I guarantee I will never be able to hear the surname Jonas again without thinking of what a doofus Kevin was on this show.
Leeza says she's not going to worry about Geraldo because her mother once told her to stay in her lane and do not look at the other horses running the race. That's wise. Bless her dear mother's wonderful heart and may she rest in peace. And that's another thing that makes Leeza great. She listens to Mom.
Jonas brother actually has a good point in that they're probably not going to beat Geraldo on fundraising any day of the week but that's okay because the task is also about the creative side, where they can smoke him. I give him credit for keeping Leeza focused on her strengths and not worry about the part of the task she's not going to beat Geraldo at. He's right, don't waste too much time on something that's a wash. Focus on where you can make the most difference and win that way.
Vivica and Lorenzo go off to scout Universal for Geraldo's team. I remember Lorenzo is a strong director so Geraldo may have more of an edge on this than I thought. This part is sort of like a mini commercial for Universal hidden within the show. It used to bother me shows did this but since this has happened for over ten years from now I think I've come to accept it. I get it, product placements are just a part of reality shows now.
Back in the war room Geraldo is trying to figure out who his entertainment will be. What, Ian who has a rolodex the size of a small country doesn't have any good rock bands up his sleeve? You mean he doesn't even know a guy who knows a guy....who knows another guy? Hehe.
That was a little shoutout to
Better Call Saul, probably one of the best shows on television this spring. Even though I loved the character of Saul on
Breaking Bad and appreciated the attention to detail, at the same time I felt it was one of the show's weaker points, just because it got a little hokey at times, silly, not believable. I expected his spinoff show to be like that, but thankfully it's really not. This latest episode exploring Saul's "guy" Mike's roots, and how his police career ended, almost plays out like a really good Breaking Bad fan fiction with overarching themes like fathers and sons and how far you will go to avenge a wrong against someone you loved. It's a show for fans, for sure, and it's very, very good. Dare I say they've improved on the memorable lawyer character by leaps and bounds.
Geraldo thinks he
might be able to get Josh Groban, but he's not sure. And this is why Geraldo is such a bad-idea idiot, he says if they can't get Josh maybe they could sing themselves. Oh good, Lord. No, Geraldo. Just no.
Yep, Geraldo is just as creepy as I imagined dressed up like Harry Potter.
Lorenzo calls him the X factor. Yeah, pretty much.
Leeza nails down Olivia Newton John, who is ready to hop on a plane right now and come out. That's because she and Leeza are actually best friends in real life. They kind of play it like Leeza can't believe she would do this, but dollars to donuts I bet they had an arrangement Olivia would help her out on the last task if needed. It's too coincidental somebody who always has a full calendar would be so available.
Johnny and Brandi are supposed to be shopping but get bored again and decide to take a roller coaster ride, lol. I wish they cared a little bit more about focusing on helping Leeza, but they're funny just the same. This is also another mini commercial for Universal of course. Brandi is excited about how big her boobs look in the photo they took of them on the roller coaster. Yep, that's Brandi. They come back empty handed? Haha. Because Leeza is never stopped by anything going wrong, she just laughs this off and moves on. She has no time for this. That is because she is a rockstar who would never let antics like this stop her for a second.
Jonas brother, on the other hand, is quietly brooding over all this, getting more annoyed the more Brandi and Johnny goof off. What does he care? If Leeza is not mad what right does he have to be upset? It's not
his project. See as I explained before, for him it's about keeping score and making sure it's "fair" and that everyone pulls their weight and petty stuff like that. You can worry about that if you like, but it's usually a waste of time and isn't going to change people who don't feel like stepping up. All it does is slow you down. What a shame he doesn't see that.
Over at Geraldo's team, Geraldo has already set up the first shot for the commercial, and it's completely different than what Lorenzo has meticulously planned out. Lorenzo can't believe he did that without him there. It's all wrong. This is where Geraldo's ego gets in the way. He doesn't
really trust Lorenzo, or anyone, to do their jobs. He actually thinks it's just better if he does it. What a fool. Even Ian and Vivica can't believe the way Geraldo is ignoring all of the pre-production planning. That is super annoying, as Lorenzo and Vivica spent all day planning this all and now Geraldo is just scrapping it. They are right about this, there was no point in them going to all that trouble all day only to be ignored. If Geraldo had no intentions of using their pre-production work, he shouldn't have had them do that in the first place.
Hehe, Lorenzo does his impression of Vivica, holding up a finger and saying, "This is not somethin' that is on the shot list! Uh-emm!" Lol.
Leeza's team begins shooting their actor family, with that doofus Jonas as Mr. DeMille. Well that's one of the few bad moves I've seen Leeza make. What in the world does he know about this?
Back at Geraldo's team, they are setting up the shot where Geraldo acts as a reporter. Geraldo has given the reins back to Lorenzo fortunately, and things are running much smoother. That is until they can't find the child actors they've hired to be in the shot. Oops. Apparently the actors aren't even on site, they were sent to their war room to wait. They waste a lot of time trying to assign blame for this. That was a huge screw up. It kind of sounds like maybe it was Vivica's fault, but it also sounds like it was an overall communication breakdown. Who really knows, who really cares.
From now on I'm in charge of every shot, Geraldo announces. Oh, yeah, that will improve things, hehe.
Next time, the finale. Leeza vs. Geraldo with Doofus and the other contestants returning, Live!!!
Kate is "nasty, nasty, nasty," the nanny, now social worker, told reporters.
