Recap: 'School's Out!' Jim Boobs gets locked in a room without a muzzle and bitches her way out

Coming up on Kate Plus 8. Which I guess was cancelled, then back for some specials, now back for a "season"? I liked the olden days, like in the 90's, where when your favorite show was cancelled it really was dead and you mourned and cried and then moved on and found a new and better show and hoped maybe someday you'd see those people again at an autograph trade show you stumble upon in a Burbank mall.

Anyway, coming up there will be a lot of whining and arguing and drama, and the comment of the day goes to the lovely Leah, who, arms crossed, quips, "This show should be called Kate Plus Kate." Baw! The kids are finally old enough to get it, and it's glorious.

They heavily promote the terribly awkward Bachelorette date complete with a NYC helicopter ride. Oh, they know that's the pinnacle moment of the "season." The budget was all in on that episode. At least the guy seems very nice for an actor, although I half expect him to hand her a head shot at the end of the night in case she's ever interested in booking him again.

Kate doesn't know what's the proper way to say goodnight at the end of the date. Is this really that hard? Maybe it is for someone who doesn't experience emotion. Usually a polite hug is fine, whether you like him or her. If there's sparks and it was a really spectacular date, a little kiss is appropriate. Kate however shuffles into her limo, the inside glowing with halogen blue lights, and gives him a little acrylic finger wave, avoiding eye contact. Not even a full wave, just a forefinger. She will never get married again if she can't even wave with her full hand at the poor guy.

There's a lot of blah blahing about the beach and how she's sure many families like going to the beach during the summer. Many families could never possibly afford to go to Florida for 10 days in the summer let alone go to the beach every year as she says they do, but she's tone deaf to that.

The kids, the girls namely, pretty much give her lip to everything she asks them to do. The kids are going to pack their own bags for the first time ever? Aren't they 11 and 14?? I wonder if they will also get to feed themselves on their own this year, and even wipe themselves. Geez.

Kate is explaining all this in excruciating detail, without a stitch of make-up on. She is really getting comfortable with the cameras. We flash back to another recent 1 percent boring vacation in Mexico. I keep thinking of the great Betty White, who once said of Facebook, "In my day, seeing pictures of peoples' vacations was considered a punishment!" Oh, it's still a punishment here, Betty.

They head to an unnamed department store because the store probably wouldn't give their permission to use their name. Looks like a JC Penney or Bon-Ton, one of those places that has "semi-annual" home sales semi-weekly. In the parking lot they're all walking just fine, two and three-abreast and relatively close to the parked cars. No other cars are driving around. Kate barks that she wants them to walk away from the middle of the "street" and walk "single file." The kids mostly just ignore her, which is hilarious. Actually, one of my pet peeves is circling the parking lot looking for a spot and there are people walking in the middle of the road you can't get around. You feel like it would be a little much to beep at them, especially when they're bogged down with several shopping bags, yet you don't want to crawl around at 2 mph for the next 30 yards either following behind them waiting for them to get to their car and get out of your way. But since there are no cars circling to be found, is it really worth nagging them about this?

Aw, poor Joel has a back ache and feels sick to his stomach, but according to Kate, he wanted to go shopping anyway. I find it rather disturbing Joel asks his mother for permission to sit down. He has to ask her? Just sit down if you want to sit down. You're her child, not her hostage.

Joel, bored with the coach conversations about this, says I just didn't feel good.

But, but, tell us more. Did you puke? Was it everywhere? What was your temperature? Is it rabies, or amebic dysentery? The sheeple want to know. Autocorrect to this day still wants to change sheeple to something else, this time it was "shekel." Well, tis the season! L'Chaim!

Kate immediately had thoughts of he's sick and, literally, "oh my gosh we have to travel tomorrow!" but then immediately realized she literally doesn't care if someone is sick and they have to travel tomorrow because typically what does that matter. For someone so organized, should they be buying luggage the day before a big vacation? I always like to wipe down new luggage and let it air out a few days to get the formaldehyde smell out. Plus what if they don't have what you're looking for? You'll have to take your old luggage on the trip and that would be just terrible.

Kate was hoping for six different colors of luggage. I don't know how realistic that hope is unless you shop online. Isn't it funny how dated this process already seems, going to a box store and picking out luggage?

How do you read reviews and know which ones the wheels fell off within six months or the zipper broke? What if you pick something out and realized later it only has 2 1/2 stars, or what if you saw it online for 20 bucks cheaper plus a coupon code? That would suck. These days you go try out the luggage in the box store then go home and buy it online, and box stores are desperate to figure out what to do about that. In any case I would be happy to just watch Kate browse luggage on Amazon for the same amount of time we watch her go through these shenanigans in this store, it can't be much more boring and at least poor sick Joel could go to bed.

Different colors helps keep everything organized. I get that, but wouldn't it be easier to just tie six different colored ribbons on the handles? Surely there is a Joann Fabrics nearby to help with that.

Aaden and the girls really want to buy some stuffed animal neck pillows. That strikes me as rather babyish but I guess whatever makes them happy. Another girl is approaching Kate with a memory foam travel pillow. Memory foam? Lol. I'm sure that makes a hell of a lot of difference 14 hours into a trans-Pacific flight. What's next, the twins want to buy Rachel Ray's garbage bowl? The kids are behaving as if a lot of whining and begging has gotten Kate to cave before. And I bet it has, because they hold some serious collateral on her.

They finally decide on their bags, and it looks like she gave in on the neck pillows, heh. This segment was only about four minutes but it sure felt like four hours. I can't really get a good look at the luggage nor know much about any luggage but my own, but some of the posters here said it is pretty expensive. Naturally. Unless you go to a discount place like Target or Walmart, luggage often is crazy expensive and I'm not sure why. Seems a little scammy.

Commercials! Tomorrow they're going to Flar-ida. Heh, you can't take the PA out of the TFW.

The little kids are going to pack their luggage? Who? The 11-year-olds? I took 41 11-year-olds to Sydney last July, six adult chaperones, and no one was nearly this helpless with their luggage.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I could have sworn either TLC or Kate vowed many years ago never to film in the children's bedrooms. I recall them being smug about it too, like of course we wouldn't do that how dare you suggest that! Yet here we are, in their bedroom, filming. They talk to a male production member, a producer or camera man I suppose, about the inexplicably boring subject of packing their own bags. We have, literally as Kate would say, been talking about this subject the entire episode. Just this subject. The door is closed. Sigh.

You know, the whole house is very cluttered in general. It's not Little People level, but it's getting there. That would drive me nuts. There are kitchen gadgets and various crap all over the kitchen, and their bedroom floor is covered with American girl paraphernalia. They have lots of cabinets, shelves and other storage materials, put things away. Kate doesn't work, surely she has time for a little tidying up every day.

The twins tease Alexis about how she rotates the same three outfits over and over. That's common for a child that age and not a big deal as long as you wash them. She'll outgrow it. That's nothing, often boys her age want to wear the same one outfit over and over. Cara has some graphic on the bodice of her shirt that they must not have gotten permission to show because they blur it out, but it's in her bodice area so there's this weird constant blur on poor Cara's chest right where they would tend to blur the Girls Gone Wild women on those commercials. Sheesh.

Mady tries to help Alexis branch out and try out some different outfits just like those montages in the movies where the girl tries out lots of different looks. Where are these outfits coming from? This makes Alexis very uncomfortable, she thinks the outfits are "harsh" and "ugly" but this is a normal sister thing to do I suppose. I think they should leave her alone and let her wear what she wants, but sisters never do. If Collin is the child singled out from the boys, Alexis is singled out from the girls. All the other sisters treat her differently, like she's odd. I feel awful for her.

Well that didn't take long, Kate has taken over the packing for the boys. Lol.

There's a lot of harmless teasing and joking among the kids, and it's a relief to see. At least some of them seem to enjoy and appreciate each other instead of everyone hating each other all day long.

Kate is still going on about the packing like this is interesting, gesturing widely with her fake nails. You know what's harsh and ugly? Those things.

Is that a black and white professional photo of Jon in the background, kissing one of the newborns? I think I see a candle on the shelf there too. That must be the butsudan to him, may he rest in peace Amen.

The packing shockingly went well, Kate opines. But she stepped right in and fixed it all, so what does she mean?

Andrea, the childcare girl Kate can't give the respect to call their nanny, is going on the trip with them and she also went with them to Australia and Mexico. I don't remember her at all. Marley is going with the twins as their bribe. Kate says she knows they've been to the beach a lot but that's where the kids want to go, and Kate loves it, too. Funny, in the preview Mady clearly says she hates the beach. Or maybe her kids just want to go where ever makes her, Kate, happy, because it's just easier that way.

They talk at length about how excited the kids were to find out they were going to the beach. They shook the floor with excitement. Really? After Mexico and the other fun swag and trips they've gotten this year they're still this engaged? Color me surprised. Why do I get just a little bit of satisfaction about seeing that harpy having to fly coach these days, and in the back of the plane too? Lol.

Kate assigns them their rooms in their gorgeous house rental. Is she looking at a notation on her phone for this or is she just using it for a flashlight? Number one, she can't remember the assignments by memory? Number two, can't she just assign them on the fly if she must? I've never seen someone waste so much effort being "organized."

Aaden, Joel and Alexis together? I feel like they're getting a little too old to have to shack up with opposite genders. Not that anything inappropriate would happen, but it's just a matter of respecting a child's privacy and understanding they're getting to the age where everything is embarrassing including having to room with your brothers. Alexis looks dismayed. Well that sucks.

I haven't the foggiest idea why Kate is arguing with the twins about the room assignments. They're not paying, they have a nice room they don't have to share with the opposite gender, deal with it.

The ungrateful twins are upset over something or other they never explain, to which Kate says she has to share a bathroom with five girls and three boys, so this is fair. God, I hate when I agree with Kate. This is a beautiful house, any room is a good room, who cares?

The bottom line is though, this is not a discussion. You don't negotiate with teenagers on nonsense like this. It's clear these girls perpetually feel slighted, and maybe in many ways they have been over the years. But when you start seeing slights in virtually anything your parent ever does, it gets exhausting for the parent.

I think a huge part of Kate likes this drama. She likes to see the twins get strung out, and then she likes explaining the justification behind her wonderful ideas for them as they get even more upset. I think she likes the power she has over them. She won't just tell them this is your room, deal with it, and walk away, because that's not dramatic and interesting. The twins suggest Kate take this room, and Kate refuses. Part of me wants to yell at the screen to just switch rooms and end this. But now I'm thinking no, teenagers don't get to tell their mother how it's going to be, even if their mother is Kate and she might deserve it. The teens could ask her nicely if she would consider the merits of taking this room and switching, but she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. That's not how they approached it though. They were not polite. They were rude and whined and treated Kate like Kate was being cruel to them when she wasn't. Kate's right on this. And a lightning bolt just struck me down.

The kids are all hugging Kate and thanking her. For what? TLC paid for this and likely planned all of it, do they still not understand that? They understand a lot else. I think Mady at least was being a little sarcastic there. Or patronizing. Funny.

Commercials, and we're back. They're staying in what I would call a gated golf course community popular in Fla-rida beach towns. The rental comes with two extra long golf carts to drive down to the beach. They pile them high with beach stuff and hit the road. The kids are griping the whole ride down. I really don't care what they're whining about this time, I've started to tune them out. A tiny portion of the ride involves getting out onto a main road and then making a left turn to the beach. This scares Kate, and she admits she drove like a granny. Safety's first! Kate cries. I think the expression is "safety first" but I understand what she means.

The kids loved the beach and the water. Alexis is so bored talking about all this on the couch she tosses her head back and clutches her forehead. Betty, please pass the sangiovese, we still have 30 minutes to go of this.

Just like in the preview Mady says she hates the beach and always has, including the sand, swimming, and outside in general. Lol. She's kind of an indoor girl, as Jack Dawson would say.

As they head back to get some lunch, the older girls were, wait for it, stopped and chatting with three boys. There must be at least a couple yards distance between the two genders.

"No, that's not okay with me," Kate says. It's not okay with her the twins talk to boys from more than an arm's length away? Why, Jim Boob? I mean, Boobs.

Mady and Cara explain that the boys were simply asking what was being filmed. That sounds credible. Seems like that will often happen when you bring an entire production crew onto a quiet little beach. Lookie loos are going to be curious and ask. Mady tosses her hair and says she told the boys, "If you want to see more of this, like, watch it!" Cara cracks up. Heh.

For Kate's part, she accuses Mady of flirting. I don't know if I would call that flirting so much as showing off. Either way, Mady didn't do anything wrong.

Commercials. The Duggars are coming back and even Anna is now speaking, holy goodness. Anna says it was heartbreaking to hear what had happened. Which part? Is she talking about the child molestation perpetrated by her husband or the fact that the vicious and vindictive media broke the story? Because the latter is all her sisters-in-law seem to be upset over. I don't know if heartbreaking is so much the word as terrifying for the safety of your three young children. If there's one thing the Duggars have done is give me perspective. Kate seems as harmless as the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz compared to that f-ed up family. Or maybe she's the scarecrow. Whichever one didn't have a brain.

Kate i.e. production found this game Escape Zone where you have 60 minute to solve puzzles and get out of a room. Like we've talked about I've done something similar called Exit Game and it was fabulous. But with Kate at the helm we all can predict how fun this will be.

I don't like Mady's lip about this. She says Kate needs to accept the fact that they are not a team. I have no idea why Mady to this day still feels so antagonistic about the family as a unit but I don't like the younger children hearing such negativity. Not that they don't get it from their mother all the time. This is rich, Kate feels team work is important and that she has to instill the idea of working together into her children. She has done nothing but create divisiveness among the children, how can this woman not see that? I think she intentionally pits the children against each other because she's terrified they might some day band together against her.

She hopes the kids someday will stick together when they're older. Heh, she might not like that if they all decide to estrange her together. Be careful what you wish for.

Sadly, Colin is nowhere to be found during this activity, so I guess it's a family team minus one.

This room is much more cluttered than the Exit Game I played. It's full of colored belts, jackets, helmets, clocks, things posted on the wall, books, white boards. I think you would need a big group to be successful in this room just to sort through all the junk.

Thirty minutes in Kate has already lost it and is snapping and yelling at everyone while just leaning against a counter and not helping. She snatches a book out of Mady's hand and says "Who died and left you in charge?" Wtf! It's just a game, and if Mady wants to take a leadership role in it she can if she darn well wants to. It's not like Kate was contributing much just standing there helplessly.

"We" get stressed and "we" fall apart, Kate explains. You, TFW. You. At least Mady was still trying to solve clues at that point.

"You are stupid," Mady says. I'm not sure who she is saying that to, I think it's Kate.

Commercials, and we're back. Twenty minutes left and they seem to be onto something, and are turning off the lights and finding clues I guess you can only find in the dark. Kate's shouting orders, barking at them, and now that things are actually moving along she's suddenly back in the thick of it instead of along the sidelines feigning a headache. Heh, she's a fair weather Escape Game companion. Those are the worst! Mady remarks that Kate gets way too competitive.

I don't understand why Kate is competitive in this scenario. Competitive against what? They're on the same team, or is she too stupid to understand that. In any case, I found when I played it's best to be calm during the game and not get so frantic. It can help to slow down, read all the clues again, and take your time.

Even one of the girls has to tell her, "It's just a game, Mommy!" Geez Louise, that's what we in child welfare call "parentified."

This room does seem hard. They're flipping through what looks like a periodic table textbook. My word, no thank you.

They're getting all kind of clues up on this TV screen. Wouldn't you know it with two seconds left they break out of the room. Kate was right, this season did bring some twists and turns!

The instructors were amazed they got through with just two seconds left. It's not that amazing. What would be amazing is if they got through this without any hints. They got tons of hints including telling them what to do with the numbers they had. That's not really beating it at all. By the way the instructor said earlier no one makes it out without a hint. No one ever? So maybe they should make the room a little easier then. Some people, like me, preferred to play this game without hints because it's more satisfying that way. Getting through something hard but with a bunch of hints from Big Brother along the way doesn't mean much.

People over 40 shouldn't say holy crap. People over 30 shouldn't say holy crap either for that matter.

They take a photo with a "winners" sign. The kids seem very proud of themselves, so that's nice. Poor little Colin missing all this. He would have loved it.

Commercials, and Kate and the nanny are making Korean bbq for dinner. Did Kate get another nip tuck? Those girls!

Kate said it. She said Voldemort! May he rest in peace.

What are we, Alexis asks curiously? Just mutts, Kate remarks lazily. Opportunity blown. Contrary to popular belief, Kate says, she actually cares about their heritage. Popular belief? Was there polling done on this issue? Lol, what a narcissist! She cares about their heritage, right, which is why she blew off their important question about their heritage just now, heh.

Jon is Korean-Hawaiian. No, no, he's not, dummy. Hawaiian "influences," she says a bit afterward. Yes, that I will give her.

I want them to look at who they are as a good thing, and support it, Kate explains. Why on earth would you ever look upon who you are as a bad thing, especially Korean, which is such a colorful and rich culture and heritage? That should just be a given, like saying my life philosophy is to just be nice to people. TFW doth protest too much.

Kate loved what she made and the kids like it too except Cara who is vegetarian.

So, what is in Kate's Korean bbq? They never explain. I've never made it, only been to Korean bbq restaurants, which I very much recommend if you get the chance to find one. L.A. has a Korea town and I imagine other cities do too.

You know, this is part of why these episodes are so mind numbing. Anything remotely interesting, like their heritage and the Korean bbq ingredients, is glossed over and we spend most of the time watching them pack luggage and then escape a room we don't understand.

Kate is honestly amazed at her dinner. Heh, she's something else. Our Asian dinner is out of the way, Kate says. Yes, get that out of the way right away, please. "Asian" cultural heritage activity: check!

Kate has much more planned for the kids. Sweet, there's more episodes to come from Fla-rida, including potentially, some vomit. The sheeple/shekel will be thrilled.