Recap: Kate Plus 8 "A Haunting at the Gosselins": life hacks, Pinterest fails, and no babysitters or assistants to be found

Counting On gets an "after show"? Ha, what a rip-off of Breaking Bad's brilliant after show.

Coming up on Kate Plus 8. If they just don't show all seven kids in the same frame, no one will notice Colin is gone. The boys are still the best, laid back and handsomer by the day, and the girls are still whiners and way too prissy for me.

This coming up is basically a Cliff Notes version of all three of the episodes in the mini-season airing over the next few weeks. A kid gets hurt skiing, Kate makes Vermont all about her by freaking out, a couple parties get thrown while Kate loses her mind. There, you've seen the mini-season.

Kate says typically (grr, that word is annoying) she gets the kids costumes and then she takes them trick-or-treating. A mother was taking kids who are 12, 15 years old out trick-or-treating? I'm sure they're the coolest kids on the block.

This year production decided to do a party instead of trick-or-treating. Um, your kids are teenagers. They should have stopped trick-or-treating a few years ago and let the little ones enjoy this holiday in peace. 

I find Kate's explanation as to why they got rid of the chickens to be surprisingly credible. They were a lot of work, came with a lot of problems, like rats in the barn in the winter months, the return on eggs wasn't all that great, and so she decided her farming days are over. You might wonder why she's complaining about the work when she has the kids to do it, but I have a funny feeling most if not all of these kids weren't really putting in the time it required to take good care of them, and since Kate is terrible at getting her own children to do what she tells them to, things fell into disarray. Plus with Collin away, the one who loved the chickens the most, she was really up a creek. I just hope they didn't get rid of the flock by eating a whole hell of a lot of chicken soup last winter. 

At the end of the day I find the abandoned chicken coops rather sad, even pathetic, and very indicative of today's rather blasé culture. Here was a worthwhile, wholesome endeavor that they took on, devoted so much time and effort to, yet now when the going gets tough, they quit. Surely there was some other alternative, like downsizing to maybe five or six hens instead of a fuckety-billion. Quitting this is not the best example to be setting for the kids, but such is Kate. 

Anyhow, most things worth having are a hell of a lot of work. From children, to a house, to chickens. Most normal people find the tradeoff to be rewarding. The eggs taste better, truly. She doesn't get it, and it's sad.

The barn's disgusting, full of feces and other unsanitary matter. Kate blames this on the barn being old. I blame this on not taking pride in your home or making an effort to keep up with the cleaning and upkeep. You can't clean out a barn once every ten years, it's like going into a war zone after that long. With Kate it's like trying to teach a 12-year-old some basic life strategies. One of them being if you don't let things go for ten freaking years, the job will be a lot easier. Clean out the barn every spring, and they wouldn't be in this terrible bind. 

Ew, the cameras catch a live rat diving between the floor boards! Right out there in the open! This is not funny, it's unsanitary and dangerous. 

They find a dead chicken and Kate freaks out. This is getting to be like one of those horrific episodes of Hoarders, where they're uncovering rodents and dead carcasses and it's that moment where you realize so Butters didn't really "run away" like mom claimed. Eventually there is some dispute if this mass really is a chicken; the kids finally prove it's just a massive pile of poo not a dead body. Either way, flipping horrible. Little hint, if you ever can't get in the mood to tidy up, turn on Hoarders and you'll be scrubbing the floors in no time.

Jamie the lackey is here! Woot! Ha, Jamie immediately pegs the barn as gross and disgusting. Yep.

A bunch of flashbacks about Jamie. Kate says they have their fights from time to time. Because I guess they are 12. Hey Kate, not every adult friendship results in knock down drag outs. 

The barn is actually pretty conducive to a really cool haunted house, with all the cobwebs and stalls. Jamie and Kate tour the barn as if they're going to actually do the work themselves, but Kate lets slip that the crew is mostly going to set up this haunted house. Well, at least she admits it. 

A lot of comments were made during this episode about the long commercials. We're on our first set, and for me they began at 13:30 on my DVR clock. The running of the bulls commercial with bulldogs is inspired. Nice one, Geico. We return at 19:30, a whopping six minutes later. It's like the old days of MTV where the commercials went on for ages! Remember that?

Kate had "scheduled" Jamie and her two girls to come out for the haunted house. Scheduled? Like you might schedule the termite inspector? She so frequently lets slip such impersonal and detached phrasing, and her true self comes out.

Jamie's from Michigan. Halloween was on a Monday last year. Did the girls miss school for this? That doesn't seem very responsible of the adults.

Kate is teaching Jamie the wonderful life hack of stacking up a bunch of bread and then cutting off the crusts all at once. Amaze.  Heh, I like Jamie's slightly snarky response to Kate's patronizing tip, "okay, okay, you're like Cake Boss."

Why not get this catered? a producer asked. He must be mocking her. Because of course Kate would have it catered if TLC would pay for it. Kate rambles on for a couple minutes about why, giving every excuse under the sun why, but let's be honest, mostly it has to do with because TLC won't pay for it and it's a good opportunity for her to mug for the cameras anyway.

There has to be some kind of messed up psychology behind Kate saying that food is how she shows her love to her family. I can see a psychologist saying that people who use tangible things as the primary way to express their love are either insecure about showing love and/or are hiding behind the tangible because they are unable to express love in other more genuine ways. Not that making up a big bowl of chicken soup for your sick honey isn't love, it's just, if it's the only way you are able to express your feelings, something might be wrong with you.

Wow, Jamie's girls have really grown up, and they're both very pretty, though seem to be quite camera shy and tongue tied, as I would expect from many teens. Kate claims they were off school. At the end of October, with a Thanksgiving holiday coming up in three weeks? That would be unusual, but without knowing their school I can't say it's a lie. Maybe the school is really into celebrating Halloween, who knows.

They'll be up all night prepping for the party, Kate says. Sounds like pretty poor planning to me. I'm not going to feel sorry for you because you didn't budget your time.

Hm, the bloody fingers they're making out of bread and jam look nothing like the Pinterest photo they're trying to model them after. Pinterest fail.

 There's a hilarious web site that collects Pinterest fails called "Pinterest fail: where good intentions come to die." Heh. A lot of the people who comment are actually rather supportive of one's humble efforts, and the people who post their fails are usually self-deprecating, which I think is such a great trait. I love blogs that have nice commentors! Check it out.

The kids eventually get home and start helping with making cupcakes. Mady wanders in to harass the kids, and later makes fun of them on the couch. You know what I think is obnoxious, when the only thing you can come up with to make fun of someone is based solely on their developmental age. That's Mady. Like, if they were infants Mady would be making fun of them because they're not walking, and if they were three they'd be made fun of because they can't ride a bike. They're infants. And three! Sheesh.

Cara is not even making eye contact with the camera in this episode. She looks pissed about something. I guess the bribe didn't materialize this time.

Leah is just one loud shrill. It is really sad her mother has allowed this method of communication to happen.

Oh, nice, Hannah lets loose a major failing on Kate's part. Apparently Hannah had her costume planned two weeks ago, well in advance of Halloween, like a responsible person. Unlike her mother. She picked it out on the internet and sent Kate the link to order it. Kate said she would get it for her. But, according to Hannah, Kate never even opened the link and the costume wasn't ordered. And there's where Kate really sucks as a parent. I'm not saying she has to buy whatever Hannah orders her to, but don't tell the child you will get it, then not even open the link. That's messed up! Hannah will be telling this story again on the therapist's couch in ten or so years. Heh.

There's Kate in the pigsty of their dining room, crap everywhere, making a present costume for one of the girls. I predict this will be another Pinterest fail. This segment goes on forever. Oh, there's a crated dog when the entire family plus three minus one is HOME. God, she's the worst.

Commercials are starting again, at 28:20. These ones were shorter, we're back at 31:20.

They're embarking on what looks like a day long costume project. There's sequins everywhere.

More dogs trapped in crates with everybody around. I don't object to crate training, but it should not be used all the time and it's rare they should be used when the household is home. Kate is whining about how stressed she is, almost to the point of tears. But everything she is stressed about was completely preventable. The untidy house she still needs to clean, the unfinished costumes, the decorations not yet out. Why on earth didn't she start all of this earlier? It was obvious with all this work they weren't going to finish in time starting only a day or two beforehand. Kate claims this is so not her. Wrong, it's exactly her.

She loved this party, and now she hates it, she shouts. Well, that's not a nice thing for children to hear when they're looking forward to having friends over. Now they're burdened with feeling like this is unpleasant for their mother, and that doesn't feel good to a child.

Kate says now this won't be fun. It appears even an off camera producer is trying to get her out of her funk, promising her it will be fun.

Oh, she's reverted to her same old same old crap that people aren't helping her. Bull and shit. It's all on camera almost every single one of these kids chipping in and helping out, not to mention Jamie and her children, who appear to be working so hard they don't even have time to speak. It is so obnoxious and frankly, mean, for her to make comments like that that just aren't true.

Kate is having a meltdown worthy of the most mentally ill. Even Jamie has to go comfort her. I can only shake my head. Not only is this reaction not normal, but it's terrible that kids have to bear her emotional burdens. Jamie, bless her heart, appears to be acting as a buffer to the kids. She smiles at them, tries to make light of it, but makes sure the kids do not go near Kate at the moment. Jamie is a sycophant, no question about it, but there are moments here and there where I really, really like how she conducts herself, such as right now. I firmly believe she is very intentional in her protection of the children from this meltdown. This is not by accident.

Wow, Kate is still going on about her messy house. She had weeks to clean it beforehand, so that's just her fault. And, a little something about that messy house. It's cluttered messy. Not dirty messy. The floors, sinks and counters are clean. That is a dead giveaway that she does have a housekeeper, a normal housekeeper who cleans, but does not "tidy up." From my limited experience with housekeepers, you, the homeowner, are responsible for tidying up the clutter before they come over, and if you don't, they just clean around it. They don't presume to put things away or they could be there hours beyond what they anticipated and would want to charge you a lot more. A housekeeper who actually tidies usually comes in daily or at least several times a week, and you have to pay them boatloads more.

Mady remarks that even when the kids do help out, it doesn't seem to help with the stress, and Kate makes her own stress anyway, so what's the point. Yes, Mady, correct. The truth is your mother is mentally ill. Mady at the age of 16 is able to describe what is mental illness, but is just not quite there with identifying it by name.

They kill some time with old clips of Kate melting down.

What's really, really unbelievable is that Kate declares boldly that these types of parties will always be stressful and that will never change. Not only is it sad that she thinks it won't change, but it's so easy to change one wonders why she is so against it (i.e., starting to plan earlier.)

Kate says this is too much to do with one person. Bitch, you are not one person! You have seven kids to help who are helping, plus two more and Jamie, who might I remind her flew out there to help, plus all the time in the world, as you don't work. It's no one's fault but her own she didn't leave herself enough time to reasonably put together a party of this magnitude. Her kids are kids, they don't know yet about proper time management, plus they're in school all day and can't be bothered to plan this. They have jobs: school. This is not on them to figure out, not when they have their own obligations to do. For all her crap about all she learned in last year's Kate's Advice episode, she actually has learned nothing. She did the same exact thing years ago on the RV trip, claimed that she had to do everything on her own. It's very rude and ungrateful when it's untrue.

I remember reading once, I forgot where, about a mom who was raised in a "late" family. Always running five, ten, or more minutes behind. Even as a child she felt the stress of it, the constant scrambling to get anywhere or do anything, and she vowed when she grew up if she had a family of her own, she would not put them through that. That she would make special effort to give herself double, maybe even triple the time, and avoid the constant discomfort she grew up with. She had her family, and although she can't say they are never late, they are not "that late family," and she finds her house much more peaceful for it. That's how I see Kate. She's created constant discomfort in the household because of her poor planning, and if she thinks it won't affect these kids, she is mistaken.

She has no babysitter or assistant. Well I don't know why you would have a babysitter when your kids are all teenagers. The babysitter could end up younger than her clients. Ironically when Kate makes this statement, she is outside with Jamie, nowhere near the house, and the kids are nowhere to be found. Who is watching them while you bitch about having no one to watch them? Lol.

As for having no assistant, well that explains it. Nobody is wiping her ass anymore like the good ole days, so the little pieces of poo that are constantly stuck there are putting her in a bad mood. Makes sense now.

I would say I cannot believe the things that come out of Kate's mouth nor that she is serious, but at this point, I'm starting to believe it.

I enjoy the happy pink Outdaughtered countdown clock in the corner. Bet Kate hates that something like that is taking up any real estate on her show.

Heh, when Jamie is pushed enough she starts ragging on Kate, and there she blows, mocking Kate saying she will probably have a meltdown over Jamie putting the tablecloth on the wrong table. Heh.

Mady says Jamie is the opposite of Mother. Oh boy do I love when Mady pulls out the Psycho on us.

Guests start to arrive already. Kate doesn't understand why guests are here early. They're just not late people like her, that's why. They like to arrive at things on time or early. I bet some of them might be school friends and live more than an hour away, so they probably gave themselves extra time for traffic or other snags. In short, they sound like responsible people who are trying not to be rude to their hosts and waltz in hours late.

The food was questionable, Mady remarks. Taking a look at it, yeah, I get that. It's mostly Pinterest fails. The guac vomit coming out of the pumpkin mouth is an odd shade of green, and the hummus puke coming out of another pumpkin's mouth is kind of messy, with residue stuck to the pumpkin's upper lip. Simply wipe off the excess will ya?

This is kind of a stilted party. People are just standing or sitting around. Where is the music? The games? 

Commercial again, starting at 39:10 and going to a whopping 44:10. Yipe! I like the theory that shows like Kate's have to capture more commercials because of all the advertisers who pulled out of the Duggars. Way to take one for the team!

The Outdaughtered promo has pretty high production values. It almost looks like a commercial for Tide, with all the spaghetti and other messes flying everywhere, only without the clean-up portion of it. Real people wrote the music, not just the interns. They show all the girls on the potty. Gross. In any case, the budget allocations TLC is making is glaring, with promotional materials for shows like Outdaughtered clearly getting the bulk of it. 

We're back, and the party finally seems a little more lively, with some of the kids throwing around a football with their friends. Mady makes a comment that not all parties are for the little kids finally. She is turning out to be as ungrateful as Kate. She's had tons of activities and parties for her and her friends. She is not usually left in the dust. 

The haunted house, put together by production, is not bad. It's a lot of spider webs and things hanging from the wall, a graveyard, and a few live action people in costume. I like the hospital room with a dead body on the table. A real rat appears, not part of the script. Again, not funny. Dangerous and unsanitary. The real rat turns out to be the creepiest thing about this all.

Cara finally speaks and says the haunted house wasn't scary. See, this is where these kids have been taught nothing about manners. I know Cara is just telling the truth, and that the twins are maybe pushing a little too old for "haunted houses," but production, people Cara knows and spends a lot of time with, put a lot of time and effort into this. To just deadpan directly back to them it wasn't scary at all, is mean. Basically she's telling them despite all their well-meaning efforts, it was a fail. These twins are well old enough to understand that sometimes you just tell people it was great, and thank them, even if you thought it was lame. White lies don't hurt anything.

This party looks fun now. Eat a donut on a string. I'm pleased to see plenty of boys there, for Aaden and Joel. They seem to rarely be allowed friends of their own around. Also makes it easier not to notice Collin is missing with all kinds of smelly boys running around. What I find kind of sick is that earlier in this episode Kate was bragging about the Lego costume she made for Collin one year. Yet there is no explanation of where Collin is or when he is coming back. Some nerve. A casual viewer of this show, if they notice he is even gone, would be so confused.

Everyone seems to be really enjoying themselves. I wonder why Jamie's son Clay didn't fly out though. Maybe he's still pissed at how unfairly he was treated by Kate and the kids on the RV trip, getting blamed for everything. He should be mad. 

Of note, Cara and Mady seem to mostly be paling around with Marley and some other school friends. I don't see them hanging out with Jamie's daughters much. Wonder what that dynamic is about. It's just kind of funny, because Kate claims Jamie's daughters might as well be her own, yet her own kids don't even seem to hang out with them.

The final round of commercials start at 50:50, and end at 56:40. Wow.

Proof that Kate didn't help with any of this, she goes through the haunted house as if she has no clue what she will see in there. If she helped to put this together, she would know what is coming around the corner and shouldn't be so terrified.

Afterward, they gather around on hay bales around an awesome campfire. What? This is beautiful. They have lovely stringing lights hanging up, and a huge area to run around near the fire. Why don't we see them doing normal stuff like this more? Why are so many of Kate's instagram posts them gathered around the television set, instead of this lovely fire pit? They were lucky to get such a mild night in October, assuming this was really October. Some of the kids aren't even wearing jackets.

The kids really enjoyed the party. The twins are unreasonably vile toward their younger siblings. Cara's favorite part was the fire after all the "dumb" little kids left. Why is that comment necessary? There's healthy sibling rivalry, and then there's cruelty, and I have no idea why Kate has allowed these twins to be so darn cruel. One day, Cara, your siblings will be all you have. And sometimes, when siblings are so tortured in childhood, it makes it hard for the victims to move on from it.

You guessed it, it was all worth it in the end. They made memories. Yes, Kate, they certainly did. And please make no mistake, while they may have memories of a cool haunted house, they also made a memory of yet another mental health episode on the part of their mother that nearly ruined the whole thing.